Writing about sports for The Stranger under the conditions imposed on it by publisher Tim Keck is about as fun as swallowing a bleach-soaked, diamond-encrusted tennis ball. Keck is a monster! For every Jock Itch that appears in print, between 7 and 10 are submitted only to be trashed by Keck as "TOO CONTROVERSIAL." According to Keck, a born again Survivalist, "Jock Itch has begun to erode Seattle's moral fiber." (Clip and save! This week's column is a coupon for Moral Fiber Crunch cereal on sale now at Whole Foods.)

Keck has destroyed much of Jock Itch's reputation for integrity by placating Jesus and big-money corporate interests while ignoring special people's interests. I am not allowed, for example, to write anything derogatory about Frisbee golf because it's Bill Gates' favorite pastime. Well fuck Bill Gates and fuck Frisbee golf!

Why am I telling you this? Why am I putting my job on the line? Oh, I don't know, maybe because there's a HUGE ELECTION coming up on November 2! Duh. This is our chance to get rid of the ball and chain around Jock Itch's neck--Tim Keck. After all, Jock Itch is your sports column. And, even though it's free, you probably end up paying for it somehow, and although it's not a perfect sports column, despite its insurmountable problems, it's the only sports column in all of Seattle that is truly free. Jock Itch has the potential to be the best sports column in the world, but that requires that you get involved.

During Keck's publisherancy, Jock Itch has lost respect in Seattle. Jock Itch, and by proxy all of those who read Jock Itch, has been reduced to blithering rubbish by the heavy-handed ignorant expectations of a Stalinistic publisher. Once a beacon for freedom, Jock Itch has been curtailed by Keck's belligerence. My reputation has suffered and I'm no longer able to roam Ballard safely. I can't walk into a bar without someone punching me in the balls. My balls have become a victim of Keck's belligerence. Paul the Pretard's lover, an Ichiro bobble-head doll, was kidnapped and beheaded--another victim of Keck's belligerence. There have been many victims of Keck's belligerence, but none more tragic than belligerence itself, which has suffered fucking greatly under the regulatory restrictions placed by Keck on the disenfranchised electorate.


Keck has got to go!