The Seahawks barely held onto their lead in the fourth quarter to win 23-17 against Carolina on Sunday. The New England Patriots, having previously won 21 consecutive games, lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers 34-20 in a well-fought, hard-hitting battle. The Redskins lost to the Packers. Sounds like someone watched football last weekend! That's right, I did. I was partying at the home of my new girlfriend's mother, who was having a Halloween party for her grandchildren. Nothing will drive a person to watch football like a Halloween party for grandchildren. My new girlfriend has four dissimilar children from four previous marriages, and that makes me mad. But what makes me sick to my stomach are her four children, as well as her sister's seven children, and her brother's three children, and her mother's neighborhood's thousands of children, and children in general. Children should be sent to an island and forced to raise themselves.

Being surrounded by screaming children in crappy Wal-Mart costumes eating and choking on candy, with candy and slobber dripping from their cry-holes and hair, and leaves and debris from their diapers stuck to their hands and faces is what forces otherwise-reasonable men to turn to watching and talking about football.

My girlfriend wanted me to "help out with the kids." Meaning since she has no control over them whatsoever unless they're doped up on Mommy's Special Syrup (1 part vanilla soy milk, 1 part high-fructose corn syrup, 11 parts raspberry wine cooler) she wanted me to participate in the ongoing battle to get them to shut up and stop spitting, shut up and pull their pants back up, and shut up and stop eating the cat. Instead I retreated to a dark room at the end of the hall where I found a television.

Soon the word spread amongst the other men at the party that I was watching football. Hesitantly, making sure no one had followed them, they joined me and we locked the door. They were in awe that I had the balls to leave the women and children to fend for themselves. There was much rejoicing.

"I'm the man," I told them. And it's true, I am the man.

Then I said, "This is what football is all about."

"Amen," the men chanted. "Amen!"

Then I said, "We forgot to bring beer, someone has to go back out there."