This week, I'm not speaking to the ladies, who make up the bulk of Jock Itch's readership. I know you love Jock Itch and you love me, and I thank you for that. You're the creamy mashed potatoes next to the meat and beans on the plate of my life. But I'm speaking to the men this week, because we've got to make some changes. You fat losers have been sucking ass for long enough. Look at your team's record! What have you accomplished? Look at your fat, slushy butt--it makes me sick. All you do is masturbate like a filthy monkey. You have no ambition. Well, management has asked me to make some changes. Consider me your new coach, assholio. DROP AND GIVE ME 20!

Now pay attention, because I'm only going to say this once. There is a short Japanese man who is playing in the NBA. Did I say Chinese? No, you worthless scum-sucking pigs, I said Japanese. His name is Yuta Tabuse, he plays for the Suns, and he's only 5' 7" tall. I know, it's weird, but get over it right now, because the real issue brewing here is that the NBA is being overtaken by brown people from other nations. Japanese people aren't necessarily brown, but they aren't black and they aren't white. I'm half Japanese, and I'm sort of a pale greenish color. In the summer I tan to khaki. But that's not the point! DROP AND GIVE ME 20!

Yellow? Stop asking questions! It's not the International Basketball Association, it's the National Basketball Association, which means only brown and khaki people who were born in this nation, America, should be allowed to play. If the Japanese, Mexican, Buddhist, Hawaiians, and all the other brown people want to play basketball, then start your own goddamn association, goddammit--The Brown Basketball Association!

GODDAMMIT SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOUR COACH SAYS! Memorize this next paragraph while you DROP AND GIVE ME 20! The Seattle Supersonics have the best record in the Western Conference. Will it last? Answer me: Will it last?!

Okay, good job men. I know I was a little hard on you today. It's because of the war on terrorism. It saddens me to think of all those little brown bastard terrorists who don't have a basketball association of their own. I, like them, react to my feelings of sadness with rage towards you idiots.