Are You There, Hal?

In further tragedy: Cameron "beardy" Diaz has officially agreed to marry Justin "flaming" Timberlake (there's a great big ring and everything!). I'm sure I don't have to remind the future Mrs. Polesmoker that, under the current regime, marrying Justin Timberlake is illegal in most states. Fortunately, it is entirely beneath me to further explore the myriad thousands of tasteless but true sideways remarks meant to express something like, "Bwa! Bwa ha ha!" and to covertly or otherwise ponder whether some closet cases out there don't think that the rest of the word is fucking retarded or what.

Beneath, indeed, most of us. Beardy-beard, beard.

"Dear Adrian, You mentioned in your 'Regrets' column that you regretted not getting to fuck Hal Sparks, and concluded with the question, 'Are you listening, Hal?' I just wanted to let you know that he is. I've had a couple conversations with the man, and, in the interest of helping out the sexually frustrated, forwarded him a copy of your article." --CT

Dear CT, Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD! --Adrian

Also, as far as new years go, this one is already pushing February, and yet Courtney Love has failed to be caught doing a single felonious thing. I appeal to freelance psychopharmacologists everywhere for help in this matter, and pray for better things next week.

Hilary Swank, on the other hand, is reported to have busted some serious kung fu moves on a pushy drunk's ass in order to rescue a random woman in some bar from his aggressive advances, but I don't buy a word of that crap. (Do you have what it takes to work in the exciting and colorful field of the Hollywood publicist?)

Lastly, it has been uncovered that Kid Rock, who is greasier than pompadour pesto and capitalizes on dwarves, is also an active member of the Fundamentalist Armageddon Death Cult of America (AKA, the Republican Party), and is to join other such smarmy sycophantic slime as Hilary Duff in propagandizing for the Bush regime. Here's a nice list of other fascist celebrities (besides Arnold) who've supported the Cult, and who should please practice not breathing: Bruce Willis, Drew Carey, Kelsey Grammer, Clint Eastwood, someone called "JoJo," someone called "Dean Cain" (believe it), Tony Danza (whose talk show sucks completely--viva Ellen!), and, lest we forget, Britney Spears, who thinks she's going to quit music to become a forensic scientist, the ridiculous little 'tard. Word.

Beware.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com