It's like 10 minutes to Memorial Day weekend or Labor Day weekend or the weekend Lincoln Logged or whatever (I loathe utilitarian, government-invented holidays in general and refuse to get them straight-including the Fourth of July. Fuck patriots! FUCK THEM!) and all my deadlines are early and it's like 10 gazillion degrees outside as I sit here gaily typing anyway, so I am pretty much not going to put any effort into this shit at all. And you can trust me on this-I'm in an excellent position to know. But I mean, you can keep reading, you know, if you want to or whatever.

And you will. And I love you. Or do I?

"Adrian, I believe I saw Bill Goldberg wandering through the lobby of the Olympic Hotel... he took up the whole room. I could barely squeeze between him and the front desk, though God knows I tried."-Doug (AKA Doug Wells)

Dear so-called "Doug Wells," The next time you are at the Olympic Hotel, please ask the concierge if that hooker ever came back with my car. Say, "Excuse me, Adrian would like to know if that hooker ever came back with his car." He'll know what you mean. Thanks.

In other news: Who the hell is Bill Goldberg?

"Dear Adrian, Sonia and I saw Alex from The Apprentice at Ballard's Cupcake Royale/Verite Coffee Shop. He was drinking some sort of coffee drink, and chatting with a woman. Well, really, he was talking at her. He has big business ideas and all. That means you have to talk loud. Also, he's not as cute in person as he was on TV. And he wasn't that cute on TV."-Amy

Dear Amy and Sonia, I watched The Apprentice one time! I like America's Next Top Model better. And I hate America's Next Top fucking Model. Except when that one chick got a flesh-eating virus infection or something all over her face and she cried and cried. That was awesome. And yes, this is indeed the first time I've ever used the word "awesome" in a colloquial context. Thanks for noticing.

"Adrian, This afternoon, David Cross came into the porn store I work at downtown and purchased a black Lycra zippered-mouth hood. I thought you would like to know."-Catherine

Dear Catherine, that wasn't David Cross. That was me disguised as David Cross to buy skanky S&M accoutrements. Me and my wacky schemes! Sheesh!

"Adrian, I totally saw Maggie Gyllenhaal at the Rosebud this weekend. She was hotter than I thought she would be. So there."-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, Who the hell is David Cross? Does anybody even know? Jesus Christ. ■