MONDAY, JULY 4 The week kicks off with the Fourth of July, the federal holiday commemorating the United States' declaration of independence from Great Britain in 1776. Once celebrated as a great day of rebellion against tyrannical Brits, the focus of the Fourth has since shifted, with the vast majority of Americans (softened by Jane Austen novels, Office DVDs, and at least four different British musical invasions) forgoing expressions of anti-British sentiment for big, noisy pep rallies for the U.S. of motherfucking A. (Tragically, within 72 hours, terrorists will unleash an expression of anti-British sentiment that will make today's U.S. fireworks look even more out of place and pathetic.)

TUESDAY, JULY 5 In quietly creepier news: Today the advertising journal AdAge.com reported on the hot new recruitment strategy being undertaken by fast-food monolith McDonald's, which is hoping to up the cachet of a $6 starting wage by recruiting some of the fashion world's hippest names to redesign the employee uniform. "We're looking at how do we make our uniforms more appealing, more desirable," said McDonald's Chief Marketing Officer Bill Lamar Jr. to AdAge, characterizing the company's talks with such labels as Abercrombie & Fitch, American Apparel, Jay-Z's Rocawear, and P. Diddy's Sean John as "purely exploratory." But should the company's exploratory talks stumble into reality, the desired result is clear: the transformation of once-cruddy employee uniforms into hip street wear, and of once-degraded employees into walking billboards for the "McDonald's way of life." "This is not a country that loves uniforms," said Stan Herman, president of the Council of Fashion Designers of America, to AdAge's Kate MacArthur. "Everybody wants to be an individual. That's why McDonald's is thinking this way."

••Speaking of spooky recruitment maneuvers and the American aversion to uniforms: Last Days has recently been super creeped out by the new commercials airing for the Army. Juiced by the additional $500 million recently bestowed upon its embattled recruitment program, the Army's aiming to counteract its multi-month enrollment slide with a pair of ads portraying Army enlistment as the ultimate in impassioned individualism—a move so punk-rock it's bound to frighten your parents, but if you're man enough, you'll make them understand. The latest Army ad—the third we've seen—takes a different tack, ditching scenes of pre-enlistment contention for a first-furlough reunion, with a stoic Southern father (played by the same guy that played Russell Crowe's sidekick "Stens" in L.A. Confidential) sitting next to his soldier son on the steps of the front porch. The father solemnly praises the son for doing "two things you've never done before, at least not at the same time: Looked me square in the eye and shook my hand." (Note to parents: If your children's social skills can only by improved by the Army, you suck.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6 Today in Manhattan's U.S. District Court, Kimberly Jones—better known as Old Navy spokesmodel, Notorious B.I.G. protégé, and adorably filthy solo rapper Lil' Kim—was sentenced to a year and a day in prison after being found guilty of lying to a federal grand jury. (Short version: During a friend's trial, Lil' Kim repeatedly testified under oath that something was false, when available videotape proved this something to be unequivocally true—AND a direct contradiction of something Kim had told a federal grand jury. Whoops.) As for today's sentencing: MTV News reports the diminutive Ms. Jones—convicted of three counts of perjury and one count of conspiracy—wept and held a Bible while imploring her sentencing judge for leniency. "I testified falsely to the grand jury and during the trial," said Kim to Judge Gerard Lynch, in an admission that eliminated all possibility of an appeal. "I know it was wrong. I am a God-fearing, good person, and this is the toughest thing I've ever been through." And while Judge Lynch blasted Kim for her "blatant perjury," the court ultimately took pity on her, sentencing her to only 1 of a possible 20 years behind bars, plus a $50,000 fine and three years probation. "Today Kim showed compassion, courage, and dignity," read the official press release from Kim's camp two hours after the verdict. "The entire hiphop community should pay attention to the results of this case and honor the strength and sacrifice that Kim has made." Tomorrow, Kim will release the "official first single" from her forthcoming new album, a radio-friendly smackdown of such real and perceived Lil' Kim enemies as gossip mongers, reality doubters, and Star Jones, cryptically titled "Shut Up Bitch." On September 13, the new Lil' Kim record, The Naked Truth, will hit stores, and on September 19, Kimberly Jones will hand herself over to authorities to begin her 366-day prison term. In lieu of flowers, fans and sympathizers are encouraged to purchase at least one copy of The Naked Truth on the day of its release. (If we must send Lil' Kim to prison, we can at least have the decency to send her off with a #1 album.)

THURSDAY, JULY 7 Today brought the worst terror attack against English-speaking western-hemispherers since 9/11, as three bombs hit the London subway within a span of 50 seconds, with an additional explosion tearing through a double-decker bus nearly an hour later. At least 49 people have been declared dead in the coordinated attacks, but as news agency Ananova reports, none has been identified, as today's explosions were so destructive that ID endeavors are left to rely on dental records, fingerprints, and DNA. Further creepy detail from Ananova: Speaking out after the blasts, the Iraqi government's chief spokesman, Laith Kubba, said Islamic extremists have been using his country as a planning center for attacks around the world since losing Afghanistan as their base in 2001. "We don't know exactly who carried out these acts," said spokesman Kubba. "But it is clear that these networks used to be in Afghanistan and now they work in Iraq."

FRIDAY, JULY 8 Nothing happened today, including the expected retirement of the 4,000-year-old Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist. Thank God and cross your fingers.

SATURDAY, JULY 9 Just as the smiley-faced stink had begun to clear from June 25's "Love Won Out" conference at Bothell's Northshore Baptist Church, today brought the "Love Welcomes All" counter-rally to Bellevue's Newport Presbyterian Church, where the good folks of Eastside P-Flag offered a legitimately Christian response to Love Won Out's conversionist Christian shtick. Heartbreaking central figure: 60-year-old Mary Lou Wallner, a lifelong fundamentalist Christian—and passionate James Dobson follower—whose faith-based rejection of her daughter's lesbianism was tragically followed by her daughter's suicide. Yay for better-late-than-never counter-protests, and double yay for recovered fundamentalists who do the right thing.

SUNDAY, JULY 10 The week ends with Hurricane Dennis, which roared through the Florida Panhandle and Alabama coast, mercifully weakening just before striking less than 50 miles east of the terrain clobbered by Hurricane Ivan 10 months ago and killing no one (yet). Meanwhile in Iraq, at least seven suicide bombs killed at least 48 people.

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