Pee-wee's Big Adventure is my 136th, 27th, and 9th favorite thing in the history of everything, and Pee-wee's joi de vivre—irrepressible in its pitch—was a delicate and overtly covert exploration of the anxious and surreptitious fudgepackery that barely blossomed in the shadow of '80s conservatism. Also, Pee-wee's smart little bowtie, skinny suit, and buzz cut ensemble were nothing if not collectively incisive sociopolitical commentaries on the Nation of Islam somehow, with sociosartorial implications still centuries ahead of everyone's time. Then there was Large Marge. Fucking spectacular. A true demi-genius: crushed by "autoerotophobia" or whatever. The dankest pit of tyranny, indeed.
I'm just saying. It's not like there's a story here or anything.
In almost news: Hilary Swank often has a penis. She is in Bellingham less often. We seem to be experiencing one of those less often moments, for the Swank has been spotted languishing, as celebrities are often wont to do, there. Bellingham. Which apparently has a beach. And some burgers. Read forth: "Dear Adrian, I was walking along the ocean when I saw this really super skinny chick sitting on a log, gazing out to the ocean, in workout clothes, and going to TOWN on a DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER and LARGE FIRES. IT WAS HILARY SWANK! Love, Emily and Sally."
The Swank's skinny Bellingham visit was further chronicled by the kind people whom I'm probably suing for copyright infringement at www.theprettiestpony.typepad.com, who note: "She drinks coffee with her handbag/husband! They tip like true trailer trash!" Her penis could not be reached for comment. And I'm so not kidding about suing.
Elsewhere: Bill Gates was supposed to appear at some gigantic charity concert thing and was forced to wait around in his wrinkly, wrinkly britches because they didn't give him his own dressing room, and I bet that the goofy little bitch just cried....
Concerning Mr. and Mrs. Mary Kay Letourneau's recent visit to Vivace Coffee on Broadway: Reader "Dirk M." assures us that Villi "that's no pederast, that's my WIFE" Letourneau (I'm so sick of looking up that guy's name) was looking "quite studly," while Mary Kay, on the other hand, seemed "a little ragged" for a sex offender. Also, "Mary Kay likes her breve latte tall." Of course, this information in no way reflects upon the fact that Brad Pitt is suffering from a scorching case of viral meningitis, and that Jennifer Aniston is being held on charges of witchcraft, and is expected to be burned alive. Unless, of course, she sinks and drowns.
Lastly: Madonna asked me to snort a line of coke off of her ass. I told her to fuck off. ■
