MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7 The week kicks off with the greatest cheerleaders in the history of the world—20-year-old Renee Thomas and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, the Carolina Panther cheerleaders arrested early yesterday at a Tampa bar following an alleged parade of mayhem. Details come from the Associated Press, which solicited conflicting reports from lucky eye-witnesses: Some said Thomas and Keathley angered patrons waiting in line for the bathroom by having sex with each other in one of the stalls; another witness discounted the sex allegations, crediting the trouble to Thomas being "drunk." But the ultimate report came from eyewitness/victim Melissa Holden, who told WCAU that she walked into the bathroom and found Thomas and Keathley in a stall and in an unspecified "compromising position"; whether Keathley was holding Thomas's hair or buffing her muff, the bitches allegedly came out swinging, with Thomas reportedly punching Holden in the eye before being hauled off by cops. (Extra twist: The underage Thomas thought it wise to give police the borrowed driver's license she'd used to get in the bar as her own ID.) For her alleged crimes, Thomas has been charged with giving a false name and causing harm to another, a third-degree felony punishable by up to five years in jail. Meanwhile, Thomas's partner-in-whatever, Keathley, faces charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Both women were fired from the cheerleading squad for violating a code banning "conduct embarrassing to the Panthers." Unsurprising silver-ish lining: Thomas and Keathley are being courted by Penthouse, which hopes to feature the ex-cheerleaders together in a nude pictorial.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 From the world of kooky cheerleaders we now turn to the world of women who should have their uteruses made into handbags: Today brought the ridiculously awful story of Shannon Woods, the 22-year-old woman in Martinez, California, arrested after allegedly attempting to rent out her sexy, sexy 4-year-old daughter over the internet. Icky details come from KTVU and Bay City News: After police received a tip about a Craigslist posting soliciting for prostitution, a sting operative contacted Woods online. According to Martinez police detective Gary Peterson, "there was an inquiry about the child and the person offered $500 for sex with the kid and [Woods] did not object to that." For her alleged efforts at kid pimping, Woods was jailed on suspicion of offering a minor under 16 for lewd and lascivious acts. For their own safety, Woods's two daughters—the aforementioned 4-year-old and a brand-new one-week-old (eep)—have been placed with Child Protective Services.
•• Speaking of potentially doomed-for-good children: Today in Jacksboro, Tennessee, a 15-year-old high-school freshman allegedly exercised his second-amendment rights by fatally shooting an assistant principal and seriously wounding two other school administrators.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Nothing happened today, unless you count the al Qaeda suicide bombings that hit three U.S.-based hotels in Jordan tonight, killing 60, wounding hundreds more, and proving that Islamic militants deserve whatever fucked-up God they imagine condones such atrocities in his name.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10 In far lighter news: Today brought the case of Spanaway's alleged cat murderer into a Pierce County courtroom for a cavalcade of diabolical accusations, rejected plea bargains, and fierce feline mourning. Details come from KING 5, which reports the case against 42-year-old Donna Clark began last May, when prosecutors allege Clark attempted to avenge herself over a scratched fence by using a mix of chicken and antifreeze to fatally poison her neighbor's three cats. Today Clark got a bitter jolt of her own: After preparing to plead guilty to the lesser charge of gross misdemeanor animal cruelty, Clark found herself under the gavel of Judge Gary Steiner, who summarily rejected Clark's plea bargain and ordered prosecutors to proceed with felony charges. Per the judge's ruling, Clark is set to stand trial next week on three felony animal cruelty charges, for which she faces up to a year in jail.
•• Also today: After a good few weeks out of the spotlight, today the pitiably stupid televangelist Pat Robertson opened his big fat mouth, blasting the residents of Dover, Pennsylvania, for ousting eight school board members who supported the teaching of "intelligent design," and warning, as usual, of God's forthcoming revenge. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," spake God's self-appointed spokesmodel on today's broadcast of The 700 Club. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin." Congratulations to Pat Robertson for taking his righteous opportunism to a new low, and thanks to God for allowing this endlessly entertaining idiot to remain alive.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Today was Veterans Day, the national day of remembrance devoted to honoring U.S. war vets through absent mail and closed liquor stores. To underscore the insult, President Bush gave a speech, blasting "Democrats and antiwar critics" for attempting to rewrite history while demoralizing American forces (still) on the front lines. "We will never back down. We will never give in. We will never accept anything less than complete victory," said our retarded-monkey commander in chief before a crowd at Pennsylvania's Tobyhanna Army Depot, aiming particular scorn at Syria, whom Dubya said "must stop exporting violence and start importing democracy." What a concept.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 Speaking of retards foisting their shit on the public: Today brings a hilariously brown Hot Tip from Hot Tipper Emily, who was enjoying a midnight drive with friends through Northgate when she came upon a mysterious figure in the middle of the road. "At first I couldn't believe my eyes," writes Emily. "Then it came into focus: A man, squatting with his pants around his ankles, taking a shit in the middle of the road. What's more, he was reading a newspaper! Just when we thought we couldn't laugh any harder, a few more cars pulled up to the intersection, and the man stood and ran to the side of the road, with his pants still around his ankles and shit hanging out of his butt." Thanks to Emily for noticing and sharing, and thanks to the public squatter for confirming that no matter where you are, it's always nice to have something to read while going [insert preferred poo euphemism here].
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 The week ends with a response from a reader regarding a wisecrack made in last week's column. The wisecrack: A wordy transitional phrase positing President Bush and Colonel Sanders as "cartoon figureheads who pretend to like black people." The response (from reader Gitai): "Hey, no badmouthing Colonel Sanders on issues of race. Check out This American Life's 'Poultry Slam '99' for the entire fascinating story of the Colonel." So we did, and learned that in his real life, Colonel Harlan Sanders was no racist, just a fun-loving showman who loved a good fight (complete with knife and brick throwing) and had a sizable soft spot for his colored brethren, one of whom worked closely with the Colonel for most of his life, during which the good Colonel made a habit of fucking with people's race biases by opening doors and carrying bags for his black colleague. However, the "Colonel Sanders" whom we suspect of shining on the black community is not the historical man, but his postmortem, rappin'-and-breakin' cartoon counterpart, who remains worthy of whatever scorn anyone can muster.
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