Brad Pitt's lawyer has threatened legal action against anyone who publishes the naked photos of Brad that a mysterious someone allegedly just snapped while he was quite gloriously sunbathing nude on his balcony in L.A., and if the threat works I'll fucking gut the bitch, I swear. I'm sure God will understand.

"Dear Adrian, I was at Southcenter Mall, and Matt and Suzy from The Biggest Loser walked right by me. My girlfriend saw it, too, and she thought they both were hot. My 11-year-old daughter was oblivious to the whole thing." —Dave E.

Dear Dave E., I weigh precisely 149 pounds and probably don't have the foggiest notion what The Biggest Loser even is, let alone possess the ability to identify any of its former fatsos, but I'd like to congratulate you on your bisexual girlfriend. But DAMN! —Adrian

Some British rag did a poll, and Tom Cruise is the most irritating actor in the universe. Or maybe they just pretended to do a poll and simply stated the obvious. It's a mystery.

In more irritating rags: Courtney Love allegedly owns a sprawling and allegedly historic mansion just south of Olympia, and now the place is allegedly in foreclosure because she quit making payments on it three years ago, proving definitively that the crack is wack. Now she's conspiring to sell all her rights to the Nirvana catalog for $100 million. Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic were busy fuming with rage and were therefore probably unavailable for comment, not that I actually tried or anything. Allegedly.

Elsewhere: Tori Spelling, who just got divorced, just got engaged again, and the reason that this is interesting is because I'm in a new movie with her. (See the trailer at www.adrianryan.com!) Kristanna Loken is in a horrible new movie based on a video game for Christ's sake, and the reason that's interesting is because I exclusively outed her when she starred in Terminator 3, and then broke the story about an alleged sexual harassment scandal involving maybe her and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Remember? Of course you do.

Lastly: Some ancient rocker person called Rod Stewart celebrated the birth of his new baby by burying its greasy placenta in his back garden, which means if some ancient rocker person called Rod Stewart offers you fresh vegetables from his back garden, don't eat them.