First Britney Spears was a vapid snatch that hadn't sped down the freeway with a squalling newborn toddling perilously in her lap; now she's a vapid snatch that has. I don't much see the difference.

In blacker folk: The biggest news one could possibly wish to dwell upon this week (or any other) is Dave Chappelle—who may or may not be totally batshit, who never, ever does the drugs, and who is performing a super surprise show at the Paramount Theatre right now, as I sit typing this, which reminds me, I need to drop the bong and get my ass down there.

Then, amidst much fuss: Formal criminal charges are pending against so-called actor Vince Vaughn for apparently attempting to murder his latest "pump" (Jennifer Aniston) during her 37th birthday party using the most odious of all weapons: catering from McDonald's. The attempted murder was reportedly attended by all of Jennifer's closest friends and smile lines—each of whom I'm sure is equally sympathetic, and probably has clogged arteries and a big fat ass anyway, and whom I'm also sure hopes that Jennifer's one big birthday wish finally comes true so she'll stop bitching and dragging everybody down already. Whatever that may be.

Speaking of big floppy dicks: It's been widely reported (by me) that the hippie-haired Christian fruit that fronted Creed or whatever has engaged in a perverse sex-tape adventure with Kid Rock involving one or more alleged "groupies." The tape is about to be "accidentally unleashed" of course, as were seems so very many things that night. And don't call me groupie.

Elsewhile: Wildlife officials report that Bruce Willis has attacked again. The mad Republican, 105, launched a tirade against two of America's three remaining living saints—Oprah and President Clinton. It had something to do with a lying drug addict that wrote a book, and it went like this, "Hey, Oprah. You had President Clinton on your show and if this asshole didn't lie about a couple of things, I'm going to set myself on fire."

Lastly: I met Chappelle once, and I was all like, "DAMN! J. J. Walker! You look fucking INCREDIBLE!" No joke. Maybe eternal youth is what's driving him so totally not batshit. And having to like totally change his identity every 20 years. Think about it. Yay Chappelle!