Neverland Ranch, the totally gross former home of Michael Jackson and "the place where it all didn't happen, officially speaking," has been ordered hereby and possibly forever closed by the California State Labor Commission or something because the big white freak forgot to pay the help. Exorcists representing several major religions (including the Catholics—don't laugh!) have collectively proposed to ritualistically torch the twisted menagerie-cum-Sodom to the ground and salt the cursed earth, if, of course, NAMBLA doesn't get there first to set up their national headquarters, for, you know, sentimental reasons or whatever. Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment, and remains the whitest woman to ever convert to Islam.

"Dear Adrian, I saw Stuart Townsend today at Westlake Center walking around recording the area on a camcorder. Super nice. Nice accent. Seemed really shy but excited when I asked for a picture. —Roderick

Dearest Roderick, are we discussing the hot Irish Stuart Townsend? Whose smooth washboard abs almost made that wretched Anne Rice vampire adaptation moderately bearable? I've never heard of him. Thanks for including the photo, though. I wish he'd been naked in it, and with a great big hard on. —Adrian

Reiterating my feelings on the matter precisely, the rest of the world has finally come to their senses and ostracized that wretched she-bitch known as Paris Hilton. At the time of this writing, Paris has been refused entry to various Oscar and Grammy events and blacklisted from any party Vanity Fair will ever throw. She is forever forbidden to attend any event that Elton John and AIDS have anything to do with (long story), she has at least one restraining order against her, and the little snatch isn't coming to my birthday party this year either, which is coming fast—all I want is cash, just so you know.

"Dear Adrian, Antonio Sabato Jr. and a very good-looking muscular 'Asian-mix' male were seen eating lunch together at the 'Chinese deli' on Lankershim and Vineland in North Hollywood! They looked 'very cozy'... and eating off each other's plates! The 'mystery man' was wearing a sleeveless shirt and flexed his bicep for Antonio, and Antonio reached over the table to feel his hard muscle!"

Dear—Why are we talking about North fucking Hollywood? I've got enough on my plate here as it is. (And I'm not gay enough for North Hollywood.) And lighten up on the "Asian mixes." Jesus. —Adrian


See! Stuart Townsend... downtown!!