NEWS A reader named Mary from Marysville (I kid you not) writes: "Dear Mr. Birch Steen, I am a big fan of The Stranger and think you are just a miserable old cooter [sic]. Have you even reading [sic] any other papers? They can't touch The Stranger! Why don't you just keep your opinions to yourselve [sic]. The Stranger rules!!!!"
Dear Mary, I see by your appalling spelling and grammar that you fall squarely within The Stranger's targeted readership. Therefore, you will no doubt find that this week's rather paltry news section—covering tantalizing topics such as newspaper guilds, neighborhood parking, and strip clubs—also "rules!!!!" Take care, you colossal idiot.
SHORT FEATURE Nipples and Chocolate Sauce
Wherein The Stranger forces "Our Worst Enemy" sufferer Cienna Madrid to audition for Girls Gone Wild. At the rate she's going, Ms. Madrid will soon have enough ammunition for a sexual-harassment lawsuit that will bring The Stranger to its knees. (Here's hoping she doesn't mind a settlement paid entirely in broken Macintoshes and bong sludge.)
FEATURE Power Failure
THOMAS FRANCIS files a report on the local chapter of the NAACP. Against all odds ("all odds" being the unimaginable ineptness of editor Dan Savage), Francis's piece manages to be both readable and engaging. ALSO: CHARLES MUDEDE sobers up long enough to defend his use of the dreaded n-word.