The best way to tell a celebrity from a regular person is to rip them open with a screwdriver and check for glitter. The second best way to pick a celebrity from the herd is to spot the poor schmuck that's TRYING WAY TOO HARD NOT TO LOOK LIKE THEY'RE TRYING REALLY HARD TO NOTICE IF ANYONE IS NOTICING THEM. It's a singular expression: a high-pitched paranoia and desperate nonchalance accompanied by a shocking abuse of peripheral vision. Should a celebrity go unnoticed indefinitely, it may become frantic and begin to flail wildly, or explode. (Or suddenly produce an accidental AVI of them fucking the Creed guy.) Thus it was last week with that skinny dude from R.E.M. (Peter Buck or whatever), as he was very noticeably not noticing that he was being quite noticed not noticing that he was being noticed as he was walking westward down Pike Street toward the Pike Place Market. His panicky little arms were heavy with fancy packages, which were also noticed. I'm sure we all take great pleasure in assuring Peter and his fancy packages that YES! You were fucking NOTICED!, and pray that he is able to blink and take a breath very, very soon. Praise Shiva. Amen.

So anyway, I kicked it with a couple of CK models last night, and CK models can be such rude bitches. Thank you, lucky gay stars, that fags have manners instead of rude pretty girls, and that I was born the biggest fag that ever fagged a fag in the faggoty fag. Fag, fag. Fag. Amen.

Speaking of Ryan Seacrest: I don't think we were.

Or were we?

Then: Eminem has been left so emotionally bruised by a long series of unfortunate events that his friends are worried that he might try to kill himself. Others are worried that he won't. I just want to fuck him.

"Dear Adrian, I'm writing from Seattle Magazine. Our writer Tamara Paris was informed via you/column that Patrick Dempsey was seen at both the W Hotel and Belltown Billiards. If you could confirm this, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!" —Seattle Magazine

"Dear Seattle Magazine: I'm sorry. Adrian isn't here right now. He is also unable to confirm or deny any information that he may or may not have passed on to Ms. Paris regarding any alleged sighting(s) of Mr. Dempsey, past or future, allegedly received via himself/his column, as people who send him things are quite insane and need glasses. All other requests must be submitted in writing by the third Tuesday of your second trimester. Be sexy, drink Pepsi. Beep."

Send pretty things!