My SIFF pass can beat up your SIFF pass. It's very intimidating. It's aggressively large, viciously laminated, has the power to usher me and 50 last-minute hangers-on into any film or party in the known universe, and it bears a very stern- looking picture of me in which I seem extremely committed to my haircut. Which, of course, I am. What I am not, however, is a critic of film—I'm merely an arbiter of célébrité, boozing myself silly with the visiting glitterati. It's a heavy responsibility, and I take it most seriously. Sadly, SIFF always seems to have a dead pocket at its center, in which all the names anyone would actually recognize skitter back to their Kabbalah centers and Botox clinics, leaving my world full of starless parties. We are experiencing this dead pocket right now. But don't panic! Let's just calmly take the opportunity to pick up on this peculiar Harry Potter issue. It's what you really want to do anyway.

"Dear Adrian, I saw Harry fucking Potter and his girl, Julie, at the Alderwood Mall. He took her to Brass Plum for some cool stuff, then Express, where she was getting a pair of jeans... apparently she has lost a lot of weight; I overheard her saying that she starved herself for three days!" —Fluffy

Dear Fluffy, I don't believe that Harry Potter shops at Alderwood Mall, I don't believe he's ever been to Brass Plum, and I am very, very skeptical about this poor so-called "Julie" person with the alleged eating disorder that you and others insist that he's dating. I refuse to say more. But if you'd like to see a supposed picture of the supposed girl that's supposedly dating Harry fucking Potter, go to You'll understand more once you do. Trust me. —Adrian

In other celebrity things, mostly elsewhere: Jennifer Lopez has fueled pregnancy rumors this week by having a great big fat ass, and the identity of the so-called man-nanny (or "manny") that Britney Spears has hired to take care of her infant son has finally been revealed, and he tells us that he had to wrestle Michael Jackson for the job. Then Lindsay Lohan explained in an interview that she feels like she is actually the "guy" in any "relationship" because she can't keep her legs together and wants to hump every pair of pants that walks by—and I feel it necessary to point out that colloquially speaking, that's not being a "guy"; that's being a "great big slut."