Jared Leto. Taco Del Mar. What's the fucking connection? That's the question you're undoubtedly asking yourself, and dammit, that's the question I'm undoubtedly asking yourself, too. And we've all been undoubtedly asking yourself that question for quite some time—hearken indeed to this weird crap from Celebrity I Saw U circa April 2002: "Jared Leto (was) spotted munching cheap Mexican cuisine at Taco Del Mar on Broadway and Pine." Now, glut your puzzled eyes on this new report, circa right-the-fuck now: "Adrian, my friend and I saw Jared Leto at Taco Del Mar (Broadway and Pine). We got caught like douche bags trying to get a better view of where his friends were sitting. We made eye contact and I really felt the connection.—Heather"

Barring the inclusion of douche bags, these two reports are FREAKISHLY the SAME. We can draw from this several conclusions, mostly these two: Jared Leto likes the Taco Del Mar on Broadway and Pine, and he makes a lot less money than you think he does. But that's just a little too fucking easy, I think.

Oh, yes, I do indeed. Think that. Whatever.

Then, suddenly more douche bags! Mel Gibson is a fucker of Jews. It becomes all too easy to forget this fact sometimes, I know. But that's why God arranged that the freakish old drunk should get pulled over for DUI last week, whence he allegedly accused the arresting officer of being a "Jew" and assured him repeatedly that he was going to "fuck" him. Ergo, Mel Gibson is a fucker of Jews. (And who can blame him? Meow!) And although accredited celebritologists agree that Mel Gibson has aged like bad cheese—with his scraggly gray-streaked beard, crazy staring eyes, and terrifying resemblance to psychotic mass murderer and raconteur Charlie Manson—he expressed no intention of killing Sharon Tate again at this time.

"Dear Adrian, (Re: Lance Bass is a big, gay fag, Celebrity I Saw U, July 2006), I am horrified and deeply offended that you would use such language to talk about a gay individual. That term is incredibly offensive and rude. I would ask you to think about how you would feel if you had a good friend or family member who came out and was taunted with that word."—Shanon Fox

Dear Shanon Fox, Fag. Fag, fag. Faggity-fag, fag, fag. Gay fag. Gay fag. Over.—Adrian

P.S.—Go to www.adrianryan.com to learn more about a fabulous event called Tokyo 2025, featuring live music, dance, and DJs at Barça on Thursday, August 3! Come on, fag! DO IT!

Send! adrian@adrianryan.com