Remember Soapdish? That old movie where Sally Field plays this fucked-up aging soap star who drags Whoopi fucking Goldberg into the center of large crowds and forces her to point and scream shit like, "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE THAT FAMOUS ACTRESS!" so that people will freak out and ask for autographs and she can keep her fucked-up aging-soap-star self from sucking on a shotgun for maybe another 10 minutes? I didn't think so. Nevertheless, it has been discovered that Jessica Simpson does the exact same thing (sans Goldberg, naturally—but isn't everything sans Goldberg? It saddens me). Although experts acknowledge that Jessica Simpson probably knows about as much about grocery shopping as she would, say, keeping her legs together and her mouth shut, she was recently photographed actually entering a grocery store and merely pretending—PRETENDING!—to "shop" while she smiled at myriad cell-phone cameras and scribbled her name on hastily ripped pieces of grocery bag. But she conspicuously bought no fucking groceries. This new publicity tactic is, of course, a tremendous departure from her usual attention-getting devices, such marrying (and divorcing) enormous pussy-lipped fags, and being a no-talent whore.

And Whoopi Goldberg has sucked ass in everything since Ghost. So I was kidding. Her absence doesn't sadden me one fucking bit.

"Dear Adrian, It has come to my attention that Beyoncé has released a new album called B'Day. No doubt she intended this title to be read as "BEE-day" in reference to her recent birthday, but my linguistics degree compels me to point out that technically it would be pronounced "bih-DAY," as in the French toilet thing that shoots water up your ass." Yours —Dolly

Dear Dolly, Beyoncé? What? I'm Soul Train now or something?—Adrian

Elsewhere: Certain Russian officials have granted Madonna permission to return to her native country: outer space. Her galactic excursions are scheduled to take place in three years time aboard a Russian spacecraft. It has apparently been a "long cherished" dream of Madonna's to launch herself into space (join the club), and the realization of this dream puts her light years ahead of, say, Lance Bass, who also wanted to reach space, but only managed to reach gay.

In final space monsters: Anna Nicole Smith. Experts postulate that her species, unidentified, instinctively attacks using barbed stingers along its retractable reptilian tail to inject a paralyzing neurotoxin that stops the heart and slowly liquefies internal organs and bones for easy, fly-like digestion. The fatal sting was caught on a certain top-secret hospital security tape, but the tape has gone missing, and is also presumed eaten. TRIMSPA, my ass.