Pissing? Well, I'm for it. It has so much to recommend it. It passes the time. It vivifies the spirit. It allows for a quick and jaunty "howdy-do" with "Mr. Big" (etc.). It also provides an impeccable excuse to wash one's hands. For the ladies, it's a chance to sit down.

Piss plays its own satisfying music—part bad-ass hiss, part jolly splash! It writes in the snow in ways spit never will. Like death, it's a great equalizer, but I'm not about to get into that. Indeed, obvious "gross factors" notwithstanding (and these are often considerable), there isn't much one can really say against a good piss.

Until now!

God damn you, Steve-O! You feckless trailer-trash turd! You make me puke. Not nearly as much as, say, George W. Bush (that's impossible), but at least four-to-six times as much as, say, Paris Hilton, who, to her credit, at least admits that she's retarded, and has had the basic decency to never pull out her crusty little wang (curiously underwhelming for a skinny white-trash dude, a species that's usually hung like Parisian drapes) and spray rusty hepatic sewage all over THE quintessential symbol of everything I sort of hold dear—and surely everything this once-great nation truly stands for: the RED CARPET! SCREW THE FUCKING FLAG! YOU PISSED ON THE RED CARPET! And when you pissed on the RED CARPET, Steve-O, you pissed on AMERICA—the REAL America. You pissed on all of us. You pissed on ME.

Okay, now I'm horny.

"Dear Adrian, As usual, your insightful observations are entertaining and save me from having to read Rotten.com. I fear, however, that your assessment of Whoopi's performance in Ghost was rather generous. Perhaps my opinion is tainted by the pathetically wooden 'acting' of her co'star' Patrick Swayze—although he did a superb job as the drag queen in To Wong Foo... Go figure." —Alena Angel

Dear Alena, Never say the name Patrick Swayze to my face. My face hates the name Patrick Swayze. And I think Johnny Knoxville is fucking hotter than Arizona blacktop. Have I ever mentioned that? I meant to. —Adrian

Lastly: Linnea Noreen, the smart 29-year-old independent Congressional candidate with the world famous "plunging neckline"! I've written her groundbreaking, 30-minute political "news-fo-mercial" called The Daily Report, which isn't at all a Daily Show knockoff, by which I mean it's totally a Daily Show knockoff. (See a preview at www.adrianryan.com!) You are deeply encouraged to attend the premiere public screening at El Portal on Wall Street and Sixth Avenue on Thursday, September 28, at 7:30 p.m. Meet Linnea's neckline in person and experience The Daily Report in its glorious 30-minute entirety!

Send:! adrian@thestranger.com