Deceivers! Liars! We're drowning in a great sloppy sea of them. Obvious though this might seem, it's nonetheless true. Which also makes it ironic. Of course, irony isn't what it used to be. But this didn't stop Madonna from going to Africa to not adopt a wretched African orphan. Why, then, did the Malawi government claim that she did? Well, because governments are liars—even the African ones; and fossilized pop stars are even bigger liars—especially the Madonna ones. Nevertheless, some poor African orphan remains unadopted, and how do you think that wretched little African orphan feels? Unadopted. Wretched. Lied to and lied about. If, in fact, this orphan even exists. Which of course he must! (Statistically speaking, there are more African orphans on earth than carbon molecules.) So then, the answer becomes clear: Madonna adopts African orphans on the sly and then denies it. Why? Because she keeps them in a deep hole in her secret dungeon (if anyone has a secret dungeon, it's Madonna) where she starves them, harvests their skins, and then stitches them into her burgeoning "African orphan suit" that she will someday wear to satisfy her pathological need to transform herself from a waning slag into an African orphan. If you were Madonna, you'd do the same thing.

Elsewhere: Donald Trump called Brad Pitt a liar. He said that Brad's alleged "refusal" to marry "Angelina Jolie" until "gay marriage" is "legal" is a big ruse masking ulterior motives. What ulterior motives? Donald didn't clarify, but offered, "Brad's a lot smarter than I thought he was," which is also probably a lie. Personally? I think they're both big fags.

In further lies: Jimmy Buffett was detained by French customs officials. They allegedly found (dear Jesus!) over 100 tablets of delicious Ecstasy in his luggage. Jimmy says that it wasn't delicious Ecstasy, but something else. A bad liar (and possible "rolling"), he couldn't conjure up any other plausible story about what the pills actually were, illustrating the importance of having one's story straight before going through French customs. Then, George Clooney was heard to remark that he wanted to "confuse the paparazzi" by holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio, but clearly the only person that's confused here is George Clooney. And then, Oprah passed out at some event and told everyone that it was due to heat, and not decades of repressed lesbianism—the most flagrant lie. Of all.

Lastly: In a bold break from Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Farrah Fawcett came down with intestinal cancer. And she doesn't want to talk about it! And neither do I! No lie!

See! The fabulous Daily Report, here!:!