O. J. Simpson wrote a "book." It made me feel as if I wanted to puke forever. Then God, sanity, and decency intervened, and they canceled the book. Then I felt marginally better. Then Tom Cruise and What's-Her-Ass got married, and I wanted to barf forever again. Then I remembered that he's a repressed h-mo who worships aliens, and I felt marginally better. Then that tall, skinny spastic from Seinfeld (which I've always loathed, thank you) totally snapped and went crazy-racist-apeshit during his standup show, and he made me want to puke again. Thank goodness for my advanced bulimia, as otherwise all this barfing might have me rather alarmed.

In something else: I've been remembering to forget to write something (any little thing!) about Grey's the Fuck Anatomy or whatever (or as I like not to call it, Grey's the Fuck Anatomy or Whatever) here each week for, oh, say, the last two-ish year-ishes. Ergo, you have not read, for indeed I have not typed, the nariest of typ-ed peeps about anything "Dr. Mc-the-fuck-Dreamy," nor a single detail about some mysterious thing called a "Sandra Oh." And there certainly has been neither mention of violent tempers, nor of fisticuffs, nor of the sudden faggy admissions of sudden faggy fags. I've also never mentioned that various powers have conspired to keep dragging the entire Grey's the Fuck Anatomy or Whatever cast to Seattle to film "on location" (as opposed to?) with ever-increasing frequency, so please, be careful not to trip over any of them or anything, because they'll be everywhere, all the time. And please wear clean underwear. Just, you know, in general.

"Dear Adrian, Lance Bass was at Neighbours. He looked like every fag in the world reduced to the lowest denominators: tortured eyebrows, dyed hair, skinny in a flabby way, big BRIGHT-eyed facial expression. In addition, please note that he has no celebrity aura. At the time of the sighting, I was sitting next to someone who has seen many celebrities (via his job at Microsoft), and he agreed wholeheartedly. No celebrity aura. I also saw his Aryan cyborg beau. He comes across as a runway model or highly paid escort. Hot. But no celebrity aura." —HMB


For some unfathomable reason, Courtney Love thought it prudent to expose her horrible, naked 142-year-old self to the world via the pages of some cruel magazine. The think tank at Adobe Systems, makers of Photoshop, worked frantically to develop airbrushing technology equal to the gargantuan task. It probably failed. I don't know. I'm boycotting all magazines in protest forever.

Lastly: See the Seinfeld spastic FLIP the fuck OUT—AND! indisputable evidence of Lance Bass's tortured flab and BRIGHT expressions at www.adrianryan.com. Hurry!

Send! adrian@adrianryan.com