Sean Lennon. Il Bistro. Matt Bellamy. Il Bistro. Some girl. Il Bistro. Dear God, what's the connection? And what the fuck exactly is a "Matt Bellamy"? And what the hell does our prodigal Jim Castillo have to do with any of this? These are the questions that face us now as, indeed, one or more of them faced our intrepid friend "Susan" recently when she allegedly found herself face face-to-face with Sean Lennon and, as you might have guessed, some girl, at a little Bistro called Il. Shhh... listen:

"I saw Sean Lennon at Il Bistro. He was with the same chick I saw Matt Bellamy with ALL OVER Capitol Hill when Muse was in town. They were with about 10 other people, drinking, singing, and being pretty damned adorable in general. I was really excited."—Susan

Intriguing. Drinky. Singy. Chicky. Adorable-y. Sadly, however, Susan's sighting answers only one of our initial questions, and I hardly know at this point which question that was. Neither do you. I have no further comment.

Next, in this week's featured huge raging homosexual: Clay Aiken. Check that faggot out! What a huge raging homosexual!

Elsewhile, in a place called denial: I have not been able to face the implications of the return of Jim Castillo. Yes, I said the return. Of. Jim. Castillo. The hottest newscaster in the history of hot newscasters, which is short, and features only Jim Castillo. We loved him, and he left us—we lamented, but moved on. It was painful. We embraced other, lesser casters of news. Now that he's back (on KOMO, not Q13), I feel confused. And betrayed. And itchy. And ever-more tumescent. Let's move on. Quickly. Before Leslie Miller shows up and kills my boner.

There are only two good things about "reality TV": You can always just throw the TV out the fucking window, and it reinforces the immutable truth that fat people are inferior slobs who should change or be "sent home." By which I mean slaughtered and rendered for oil. (Fat people are the fuel resource of tomorrow!) Two former fatties who sort of "won" some show on NBC called I'm a Rancid Ball of Blubber... Please Kill Me! or something got married and have settled their newly skinny butts... here. In Seattle. Which is where here is. Their names are Matt Hoover and Suzy Preston-Hoover, and in response to their arrival, Mayor Nickels has changed Seattle's official nickname from "The Emerald City" to "Where Some Former Fat People from TV Live Now."

Lastly: That racist Kramer person just keeps apologizing and apologizing. Let's all just nod reassuringly and get back to the important business of forgetting him. Thank you.