MONDAY, JANUARY 22 This week of homophobia-related rehab, befouled outlets, and yummy humble pie kicks off today in Delray Beach, Florida, where the adult daughter of a recently deceased couple got the shock of her life while cleaning out her dead parents' storage unit. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the unnamed woman had traveled from New Jersey to clean out the aforementioned unit. Among her discoveries: a big suitcase, which held a smaller suitcase, which held a dead baby swaddled in newspaper. As investigators told the AP, the newspaper dated from January 9, 1957, leading the woman to believe the suitcase's contents could be a mummified sibling. The body will now be sent to a forensic anthropologist to determine the cause of death and whether the baby was born alive. Best of luck to the surviving daughter, and hurrah for the spicy turnabout of Last Days' kid-trapped-with-corpse-of-dead-parent motif.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 23 The week continues with the irritating tempest in a teacup that is the Grey's Anatomy "faggot" scandal, instigated last October by actor Isaiah Washington, who reportedly spiced up an on-set argument with costar Patrick Dempsey by angrily calling the show's gay cast member—actor T. R. Knight—a "faggot." To add injury to insult, on January 15 Washington appeared with his Grey's Anatomy castmates backstage at the Golden Globes, where Washington brazenly denied ever "calling T. R. a faggot," simultaneously lying and dropping the offending F-bomb again. After much righteous hubbub, this week brought the commencement of the chastised Washington's damage-control apology tour, which kicked off yesterday with a meeting with representatives from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, to whom Washington pledged his help in "educating the public about the cruelty of such language." Today, Washington took it up a notch, remorsefully announcing he'd be checking into rehab, becoming the world's first inpatient homophobe. Dear Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes: You know what must be done. Enlist your writers to craft a storyline in which Washington's Dr. Burke is revealed to be "on the down-low," after which he is gay bashed into a coma. After an emotional half-season, his heroically devoted doctor-girlfriend pulls the plug. Sandra Oh gets an Emmy, Washington is off the show, everybody wins.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24 As regular readers of this column are aware, Last Days has no trouble casting presumptuous judgment on people we've never met. Case in point: Ken Schram, the KOMO 4 commentator whom Last Days has derided as "a less-funny Andy Rooney" and a charmless crank. And while we still recoil at 96 percent of what passes from Schram's lips, there's nothing like a dangerous loony to make a benign loony more appealing. This fact was made gloriously clear by today's "Schram on the Street" segment, in which Ken Schram bestowed his weekly "Schrammie" (sigh) on the Northwest's most driven homophobe Pastor Ken Hutcherson. "Last week found the senior pastor at Antioch Bible Church trudging to Olympia to file an initiative that would repeal a state law banning discrimination against gays and lesbians," said Schram to his lonely camera. "Between now and July 6, the holier-than-thou self-proclaimed tool of God's avenging hand must convince 224,800 registered voters to sign on the dotted line.... The otherwise personable Rev. Hutcherson is on a crusade to smite those who seek nothing more than fair and equal treatment under the law. So for rising to his self-imposed challenge by sinking to an ecclesiastical low, for his disdain of the human condition and his spiteful desire to steal civil rights under the guise of God, take a bow, Rev. Hutcherson, 'cause this Schrammie's for you." Thank you, Ken Schram, and fuck you, Ken Hutcherson.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 25 The week continues with a story destined to become a classic of the Metro horror-story genre, courtesy of Hot Tipper Naomi. "Today I boarded the 72 bus headed downtown from the University District. The bus was crowded and I ended up toward the back of the bus next to a man of considerable bulk who was hunched over. I soon noticed that he had a plastic cup filled with the remnants of some drink and whipped cream, into which he was plunging his entire hand, then licking his palm and sucking loudly on each finger before wiping his hand on his pants." After five minutes of graphic slurping at point-blank range, Naomi tried to escape, moving away from the overbearing slurper/spit wiper to stand in the aisle a few feet away. But there would be no escape: At the stop before her own, Naomi heard a muffled "Excuse me," then turned around to be body-slammed—full frontal—by the spit-and-whipped-cream-coated slurper. Horrified and sticky, Naomi jumped back, steadying herself by grabbing one of the bus poles. Still, no escape: "The pole was coated with the same gross-guy spit paste that had been all over his pants," writes Naomi. "I will never, ever touch one of those poles again. Or eat whipped cream."

FRIDAY, JANUARY 26 Nothing happened today, unless you count the guilty pleas entered by two teenage brothers in Atlanta, who confessed to charges of animal cruelty after duct-taping a puppy's snout and paws then cooking the animal in the oven. With their names forever connected to puppy killing by the power of Google, 17-year-old Joshua Moulder and 19-year-old Justin Moulder are scheduled for sentencing next month.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27 The week continues with a humongous antiwar march in Washington, D.C., where an estimated 100,000 people urged the government to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq. As today's rally made clear, the case against the war in Iraq is so simple even a kid can explain it. "Now we know our leaders either lied to us or hid the truth," said rally speaker Moriah Arnold, a 12-year-old who organized an antiwar petition drive at her elementary school. "Because of our actions, the rest of the world sees us as a bully and a liar." Meanwhile in Iraq: Seven more U.S. troops were killed.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 28 The week ends with nothing, unless you count the pumpkin-colored sighting of Hot Tipper Bryan, who this afternoon visited a downtown T-Mobile outlet, where he was promptly assaulted by stink. Its source: a little girl, who'd reportedly plunged a hand down her pants and come back with poo, which she happily hucked onto the carpet, the rolling waves of stench instigating what Hot Tipper Bryan described as "a minor stampede to the exit." "But here's the best part," writes Bryan, who lyrically characterized the toddler's output as "orange pudding." "As her parents attacked the carpet with wads of napkins, the little girl wandered around picking up floor-model cell phones with her poopy hand, exclaiming with total seriousness, 'Mommy, it's time to phone home.' I fucking love life."

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