MONDAY, MAY 28 This week of foiled terrorism, hideous provisions, and differently abled street brawlers kicks off today with a tale of freakishly misplaced aggression from the wilds of Capitol Hill. "Today, I was walking by the 10th Avenue and Denny Street entrance to Cal Anderson Park," writes Hot Tipper Zach. "A fortysomething man in a highlighter-yellow jacket flew into the park on his bicycle at top speed, immediately colliding head-on with a slender, middle-aged woman out for a stroll. Everyone who witnessed the accident was stunned, even more so when the man looked at the shell-shocked woman with whom he'd collided and began to berate her for failing to get out of his way. 'Why didn't you move!?' he screamed. 'You stood there like a deer caught in headlights! You could have moved right or left!' I thought that was bad enough, but he continued to yell, 'I could have killed you—how do you think that makes me feel?' It became very clear he was deranged, tweaking, or perhaps just plain evil. People began to back away. He eventually ran out of steam and peeled out into the depths of the park, leaving the woman relatively unharmed but totally bewildered."
TUESDAY, MAY 29 Speaking of violence and bewilderment, the week continues with news of a policy change at Fort Lewis, confirmed today by a spokesman for the army base, where individual memorial ceremonies for soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan will be replaced by a single ceremony for all soldiers killed during a given month. "This is not an intent to streamline the process or in any way detract from honoring the soldiers," said Fort Lewis's senior chaplain Colonel Jack Van Dyken to the Olympian. "It's just being cognizant of the fact that when you have this many, the time involved in doing each one individually is just prohibitive." Ten thousand Fort Lewis troops remain in Iraq, where 16 were reported killed last month; here's hoping the digging of individual holes doesn't necessitate a switch to less-prohibitive "consolidated" graves. (The moral, which seems obvious to everyone but those in control: Bring the troops home, preferably alive.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30 In much better news, today brought the arrest of Robert Soloway, the 27-year-old Seattle man accused of polluting the virtual lives of millions through a decade-long campaign of spam. Details on the arrest of the man crowned "the Spam King" come from the Seattle Times: Arraigned today on 35 counts of mail and wire fraud, including aggravated identity theft and money laundering, Soloway stands accused of defrauding customers who paid him to send out high volumes of commercial e-mail or who bought his software to send spam themselves, with the variety of charges potentially adding up to 20 years behind bars. The government is also seeking to have Soloway forfeit $773,000 he allegedly earned through his allegedly fraudulent enterprises. Stay tuned, and in the meantime, enjoy the (most certainly temporary) drop in penis-enlargement and auto-loan offers stinking up your inbox.
THURSDAY, MAY 31 Nothing happened today, unless you count Hot Tipper Beth's report of watching a well-dressed man on the Bainbridge Island ferry shave the inch-thick scales from his feet ("leaving a huge pile of foot shavings on the deck," adds Beth), or Hot Tipper Matt's report of watching an otherwise-normal-looking man alternate between making love to and kung-fu fighting a street sign at Boren Avenue and Yesler Way. "While making love, he'd sing R. Kelly–style R&B," reports Matt. "While fighting, he'd beat-box. He was having a GREAT time."
FRIDAY, JUNE 1 The week continues with the aforementioned differently abled street brawler, thanks to the eagle eyes of Hot Tipper Genevieve: "As I was meandering my way through Westlake Center toward Pacific Place for this afternoon's SIFF screening of the documentary Crazy Love (highly recommended) [Last Days seconds that recommendation], I saw a twentysomething woman in a kiwi-green halter top and tight capri pants who'd somehow managed to pick a fight with a slightly obese middle-aged woman in a wheelchair. And I mean a real fight. The sporty young woman would swoop in mantis-like for a strike only to be fended off with a skillful hook from her stationary adversary. Truly, the disabled pugilist dominated the fight, making solid contact with every blow, causing the other woman to dance back skittishly after failing to land a single solid punch. As I watched from a distance, I reflected on the epic proportions of the Manichaean duel taking place, thinking to myself that the meek shall inherit the Earth, indeed."
SATURDAY, JUNE 2 Speaking of Manichaean: Today brings news of the foiled terror plot to blow up New York's JFK Airport. Details on the plot—mysteriously code-named "Chicken Farm"—come from CBS News, which identifies Chicken Farm's alleged ringleader as Russell Defreitas, a 63-year-old Brooklyn resident and retired JFK employee originally from Guyana, who allegedly hatched his plan to destroy John F. Kennedy International Airport by blowing up a jet-fuel artery more than a decade ago, when he was but a disgruntled cargo handler who "wanted to do something to get those bastards." So said Defreitas himself, in conversations recorded by an FBI informant last August. "Any time you hit Kennedy, it is the most hurtful thing to the United States," said Defreitas to the informant. "They love John F. Kennedy like he's the man... It's like you can kill the man twice." Lucky for all, Defreitas's alleged appetite for destruction wasn't coupled with an ability to succeed: Despite months of trying, Defreitas reportedly failed to acquire any explosives, and his alleged plot was foiled by authorities before it got out of the planning stages. Nevertheless, Defreitas and his three alleged helpmates—described as Muslim men "motivated by a pattern of hatred toward the U.S., Israel, and the West"—were all indicted today on charges of conspiring to blow up JFK. Thanks and congratulations to the international team of investigators who nipped this horror in the bud, and stay tuned for updates.
SUNDAY, JUNE 3 The week ends with what could prove to be the hot crime of the summer: Alleged gas hijacking at gunpoint. Details come from the Salt Lake Tribune: This morning at a Salt Lake City Chevron station, a woman was filling her car's gas tank when she was approached by two men who'd parked next to her. According to the police report, one of the men shoved something against the woman's back, told her he had a gun, and instructed her to fill up the tank on his Jeep Cherokee (14 mpg city/19 mpg highway, FYI). The woman did as she was told, the suspects fled, and Utah police are looking for a Jeep Cherokee with Wyoming license plates.
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