Columns May 15, 2008 at 4:00 am

Modern Love


Hah, a first at last! Lol. "Manpussy" -- I don't think calling it the "Manclit" or "Mangina" would actually ruin it for you (or me, or the rest of us, but I do enjoy the jest). Great advice -- as always -- of course (me resentful? Nooo).
Any-T-Ways, I think Cusoon should be a new word for slut (cum + spitoon = cusoon) and in text speak it sounds innocuous (C u soon). I am getting extremely tired of using cum-dumpster, cum-slag (slag is a welding term, and they also haven't given it the proper definition on the Urban Dictionary), cum-guzzler, etc. And cusoon isn't already defined in the Urban Dictionary. Here's hoping that you will magically find this post -- heehee....

B.S.M. -- not what you think....
Monogamy isn't an orientation. It's not something that some people "just are". It's a limited perspective our society has programmed us to believe is the only correct way to view relationships. We are programmed to feel that there is one person out there for us and that once we marry that one person we will no longer ever be attracted to anyone else, let alone sleep with them. This is not reality. We can be attracted to many, many people and desire to be with them sexually - all at the same time as being in a fully committed, loving relationship with our partner. A lot of people are too insecure to let their spouse sleep with anyone else, that's all - insecurity. Monogamy is a perspective that can change with trust and committment within the relationship and more security in our own selves.
Annalove7: Monogamy works for me. If you do not want to be in a monogamous relationship, then don't be in one. But please don't turn around and call monogamy unnatural if you don't want other people to turn around and shame you for your needs.
If we accept that one man may require being pissed on to be happy, that another may need to watch his partner have sex with someone else, etc., the idea that monogamous sexuality should be rejected as "unnatural" is simply hilarious.

None of this is "natural". All of it is related to the way in which we've been socialized and the experiences we've had. What works for one person may not work for another. Characterizing monogamy as immature, as a product of insecurity or "programming" is hypocritical and shaming....and frankly, despicable.

That's the same kind of pseudo-psych that led to homosexuality and paraphilias being in the DSM IV.
I have been working hard on this monogamy thing for my personal use (I couldn't care less what you do in your bedroom). In my head I can tell it's one of those things I should be willing to accept, but in my heart I just can't face it. I have spent most of my life in LTRs and have never come close to cheating, but infidelity on her part killed two of those relationships. I will admit that in one of them I was partially happy to receive a "get out of jail free" card. In the other I was devastated.

I will be honest about why I can't handle it. If any partner I have had decided to open our relationship she could have three encounters before lunch and a six-way before afternoon tea. I, on the other hand, would spend the next six weeks looking for a halfway decent opportunity. Part of that is that I have always been with pretty hot women who attract guys like bugs to a light, another is that in general men are far easier to seduce, however a large part is my own inability to initiate casual sex. Don't get me wrong, I crave the ability to bag any chick I meet, I just don't have it. Part of that is that women are attracted to me in a long-term way. Women who are not normally jealous or possessive seem to get that way with me. I have been with several man-eaters who stopped being bad when I came into their lives. I was forced to push them away when they wanted to get more serious (and in several cases I was the first guy who ever dumped them). I don't like breaking hearts and I don't want to ever do it again.

Since I moved to China it appears that my odds would be far greater, but I haven't tested that theory. I get gobs of attention from women here, but don't know if I could parlay that into meaningless sex in a country that values marriage so highly. The girls here are really sweet and I just don't have the heart to break theirs.

In the end, I think if I believe that I could grab some strange as easily as she could I would have no problem with it, but since it would most likely lead to a frustrating equation for me I have to protect my turf.

In the unlikely scenario that I was presented with the "open up or split up" ultimatum I would probably choose the split, but predicting behavior in a hypothetical situation is impossible.

I will keep working on it.
He called it a sexual PREFERENCE, not an orientation. Jeez.

Please wait...

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