MONDAY, JULY 21 This week of public-transit pedicures, perplexed septuagenarians, and more creeps than we care to count gets off to a disconcertingly brown start, courtesy of Hot Tipper Marnie. "Shortly before 1:00 p.m. today, my fiancé and I were exiting the University District's Big Time Brewery after securing a couple kegs for our upcoming wedding. On the street, we were confronted by what appeared to be a homeless man, squatting between two cars, shitting on the Ave. After speeding past the man—whose bare butt was jutting out into traffic—we made a left turn onto 43rd Street, where we were visually assaulted again, this time by the sight of a guy stumbling toward us who'd obviously and very recently pissed his pants." Dear Marnie: Thank you for surviving and sharing. According to the lore of many cultures, being struck by bird poop is an unequivocal harbinger of good luck. By our calculations, watching a hobo poop on the street brings even greater luck, and all but guarantees you and your fiancé a long, harmonious marriage. Even better, according to Last Days lore, your subsequent sighting of the soggy-pantsed man only enhances your fortune, guaranteeing that after a glorious stretch of decades, you and your husband will die on the exact same day. Congratulations and good luck.
TUESDAY, JULY 22 The week continues with two of the week's newsworthy creeps. Creep number one: Warren Jeffs, the leader and alleged prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who's currently imprisoned after being convicted of serving as an accomplice to rape. Today, Jeffs faced further charges, as he was indicted on a charge of felony sexual assault of a child, following investigators' discovery of photos of Jeffs in intimate "matrimonial" embraces with several apparently underage girls, and Jeffs's journal entry purportedly indicating the marriage of his 15-year-old daughter to a 34-year-old man. Also indicted: five of Jeffs's followers, four of whom face charges of sexually assaulting girls under the age of 17, while the fifth faces charges of failure to report child abuse. Creep number two: Robert Soloway, the 29-year-old Seattle-based "Spam King" sentenced today to nearly four years in prison for his merciless four-year spam barrage that clogged countless in-boxes with tens of millions of junk e-mails each day. At today's sentencing hearing, Soloway said he was "sorry."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23 Speaking of creeps: Today we meet Mark Joe Levison, the South Seattle man facing hate-crime charges after allegedly threatening to burn down the home of a 13-year-old autistic boy. Details come from Stranger news reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee, who shared details of the King County court documents on Slog, the Stranger news and arts blog: "On July 8, around 11:00 p.m., Mark Joe Levinson yelled at his next door neighbor—a mother of three children, ages 13, 10, and 2—to 'keep your fucking retarded son in the house or the backyard like a dog; if you don't, I'll burn your room down.' The mother called 911 and police showed up at Levison's door. Court documents say that when officers arrested Levison, he 'smelled of intoxicants' and told the officers he 'pay[s] $1,000 a month rent and shouldn't have to see that idiot spinning around and staring at my house.' Levison is being held on $25,000 bail. If convicted, he could face three to nine months in jail."
••In lighter news: This evening forced an aggressively unpleasant experience upon Hot Tipper David, who was riding home on a number 18 Metro bus when he noticed the gentleman on the bench next to him pull off his work boots, remove his socks, and give himself "the complete 'Queen for a Day' treatment, including use of a 'pumice wand.'" As David writes, "The skin was falling off his heel like freshly grated Parmesan cheese."
THURSDAY, JULY 24 Speaking of wanting to die: Today Washington State's "Death with Dignity" initiative—which would allow terminally ill people to end their lives with legally obtained prescription drugs—officially qualified for the November ballot. Power to the (terminally ill) people!
FRIDAY, JULY 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count what history will remember as the Critical Mass melee, an act of civil disobedience turned bike-brawl Rashomon that's explored in all its community-damning messiness on pages 11 and 75.
SATURDAY, JULY 26 Today, Last Days turns to an issue near and dear to our heart: John McCain's ever-growing stature as a bumbling, Mr. Magoo–style old coot.
Among McCain's recent gaffes: confusing Somalia with Sudan, Germany with Russia, and Sunnis with Shiites. In addition, the 71-year-old McCain—who's been hyping his allegedly superior expertise in foreign affairs—has made multiple references to Czechoslovakia (which hasn't existed since 1993, when it was divided into the Czech Republic and Slovakia), and at least one reference to the Iraq/Pakistan border, which hasn't existed ever. ("Iraq and Pakistan do not share a border," ABC News was required to report. "Afghanistan and Pakistan do.") Details on McCain's spookiest senior moment come from the website Politico: Earlier this month, McCain repeated a story he's told many times over the years, about his experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, where he tried to confuse his captors by swapping the names of his squadron mates with the names of the Pittsburgh Steelers. The problem: In all prior tellings of the story, McCain "always referred to the names he gave as members of the Green Bay Packers." Best of luck to Grandpa McCain, who'll be lucky to make it through debate season alive (and unencumbered by manslaughter charges after mistaking the gas pedal for the brake and plowing through an innocent farmers' market).
SUNDAY, JULY 27 The week ends, horribly, with a grade-A American monster:
Jim D. Adkisson, the 58-year-old unemployed mechanical engineer who today walked into Knoxville's Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church—where more than 200 parishioners were gathered to watch a children's performance of the musical Annie—and allegedly opened fire. The Associated Press reports two people were killed and five more wounded before Adkisson was tackled by parishioners. As for Adkisson's motive: Clues come from the four-page letter he left in his car, reportedly detailing his hatred of "liberals and gays," along with his plan to keep shooting parishioners until the police showed up and killed him. "It appears he did choose that church intentionally," said police chief Sterling Owen to the AP, acknowledging the church's reputation for progressive social work and advocacy of liberal causes. "We're certainly investigating it as a hate crime." As for Adkisson's future: He's being held on $1 million bail on charges of first-degree murder. Condolences to all, including Jim D. Adkisson, who looks like a prime candidate for the morally bankrupt/emotionally gratifying death penalty.
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