MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 This week of resourceful robbers, budget-hungry johns, and emotionally gratifying justice kicks off today with a most wonderful thing: a punished pimp. Specifically, Jerome Eugene Todd, the 29-year-old man from Everett, Washington, sentenced today to 26 years in prison after being found guilty of forcing numerous young women in the Everett area into prostitution. As the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports, "U.S. District Judge James Robart sentenced Todd on charges of conspiracy to engage in sex trafficking, interstate transportation in furtherance of prostitution, and three counts of sex trafficking—one for each young woman he manipulated into selling themselves for sex." As Assistant U.S. Attorney Ye-Ting Woo told the court, "The defendant has a keen ability to prey on young women," noting that Todd's victims were "barely out of high school and living with their mothers" when Todd began recruiting them. In addition to the prison sentence, Judge Robart ordered Todd to pay more than $68,000 in restitution to the three women he pimped. Added bonus: Upon his release in 2034, Todd will be required to register as a sex offender.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 The week continues with the amazing crime saga that commenced this morning outside a Bank of America in Monroe, Washington, after a man wearing a dark blue shirt, jean shorts, and a dust mask pepper-sprayed an armored-truck guard, seized his bag of money, then ran 100 yards to the Skykomish River to make his escape on an inner tube. Further amazing details come from KING 5, which confirms today's robber not only had serious inner-tubing skills, but also was a dynamite planner: "In case anyone was hot on his trail, he had at least a dozen unsuspecting decoys waiting nearby, which he recruited on Craigslist. 'I came across the ad that was for a prevailing wage job for $28.50 an hour,' said Mike, who saw a Craigslist ad last week looking for workers for a road-maintenance project in Monroe. He said he inquired and was e-mailed back with instructions to meet near the Bank of America in Monroe at 11:00 a.m. Tuesday. He also was told to wear certain work clothing. Yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask... and, if possible, a blue shirt.'" Investigators continue to search for the flash-mob-inspired bank robber, described as "a white man in his 20s, between 5-foot-7 and 5-foot-10."

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1 Speaking of colorful criminals: Regular readers will certainly remember Last Days' September 15 report on the Green Lake Flasher, the creepy dude who repeatedly assaulted the eyes of Green Lake strollers with a fake wang attached to his real wang. Today brings an update from The Stranger's Jonah Spangenthal-Lee, who identifies the alleged flasher as Kelly Lee Fischer, a 35-year-old Seattle man arrested yesterday on charges of indecent exposure. According to King County prosecutors, Fischer repeatedly exposed himself to women and girls at Green Lake; according to his alleged victims, he "play[ed] with himself through his gray spandex shorts near the park's playground... doing stretches, pelvic thrusts, and masturbating with what was apparently a fake penis attached to his penis with rubber bands." Fischer remains in the King County Jail on $100,000 bail.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2 Nothing happened today, unless you count the first and only 2008 vice-presidential debate, in which Joe Biden came across like a smart, capable politician and Sarah Palin repeatedly answered questions posed only by the voices in her head and winked like a sexual predator with palsy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3 The week continues with a sentence Last Days has longed to see in print since Kimberly blew up Melrose Place: Today, O. J. Simpson was found guilty. History buffs will remember Simpson as the NFL-star-turned-double-murder-suspect, whose 1995 acquittal for the murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman was followed by the 1997 civil-court judgment finding Simpson liable for both deaths. This wrongful-death judgment came with a $33.5 million price tag, securing Simpson's past and future earnings for the families of his victims—a fact which plays into today's guilty verdict for Simpson (God that feels good to type), which prosecutors said centered around a plot to retrieve valuable personal items lost after Simpson reportedly squirreled them away to avoid turning them over to the Brown and Goldman families. As the New York Times puts it: "Mr. Simpson was convicted of rounding up five men, most with lengthy criminal records, and bursting into a $35-a-night Las Vegas hotel room to steal a trove of sports memorabilia from two collectibles dealers. The dozen charges, which include robbery, burglary, conspiracy, assault, and coercion, could carry a total minimum sentence of more than 50 years in prison if sentenced consecutively." A final NYT tidbit, sure to beguile those who lived through the "Trial of the Century": "In 1995, Mr. Simpson was a cause célèbre for many blacks who viewed him as suffering a raw deal from a racist judicial system. This time, not a single black activist in Las Vegas picketed, protested, or even commented on the case."

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4 The week continues with another Sarah Palin Saturday, featuring yet another brilliant SNL impersonation from the solid-gold Tina Fey (whose face should be put on money) and yet another new low by the flesh-and-blood she-doofus herself, who trotted out the "pallin' around with terrorists" line that'll carry her through a half-dozen campaign stops into next week, ultimately securing her a spot in whatever circle of hell is reserved for cutesy-pie race-baiting shitbags.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5 The week ends with a bracing glimpse of life in the New Depression, courtesy of Hot Tipper Jake, who was making his way through the International District early this afternoon when, near the corner of Seventh Avenue and Jackson Street, he saw a shiny silver Jaguar pull up to the curb. "From the passenger side of this blinged-out car emerged a seriously bedraggled woman wearing sweatpants, flip-flops, and a tube top, with slept-in-a-ditch hair. If she wasn't an actual homeless hooker, she was dressed up exactly like one. As soon as her feet hit the pavement, the Jaguar sped away." Dear Jake, thank you for noticing and sharing. Dear Jaguar owner: Either you have a fetish for bedraggled street nookie, or the impending economic collapse has driven you to budget hookers. Either way, ew. recommended

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