Question: Are you freaking out as much as I'm freaking out? Because I'm freaking the fawk out! As you know, this national election thingy is just around the corner, which means I'm jumpier than a Catholic towel-boy in the Vatican sauna. I KNOW, I KNOW... there's probably nothing to worry about. The McCain campaign has dug itself into such a deep latrine (and then filled it to the brim with slushy poop), that the outcome is all but certain. So why am I freaking? Because I have PTSDFFYA! (Post-traumatic stress disorder from four years ago!)

Four years ago I was SO confident that John Kerry was going to win the election, I actually talked my brother into naming his kid "John Kerry Humphrey." AND THE KID WAS A GIRL!! Now she's four years old and all the day-care kids call her "LOSER" and try to "swiftboat" her! My brother also says she likes to stick Polly Pocket dolls inside her butt—but I think that's genetics.

Anyway! Since I have PTSDFFYA, I'm deathly afraid the Republicans are going to pull some wild bamboozle and once again slime their way into the White House. AND YES, I'VE TRIED DRUGS, YOU DING-A-LING! Sorry... sorry... it's just that my Valium- Percocet-Oxycontin-vodka cocktail doesn't seem to be helping at all—which means I'm going to have to resort to desperate measures.

At this point, there is only one thing that can calm me down. And that's... THE HILLS (MTV, Mondays 10 pm).

That's right, I admit it. I WATCH THE HILLS—but only for its medicinal purposes! See, whenever I watch an episode of The Hills, my brain activity slows down to the point where it almost flatlines. Similarly, my heart rate and breathing also significantly drop, sending my body into a near comatose state—not unlike when one drowns in an icy pond. I can survive for up to 30 minutes in such a manner, which is lucky because that's how long the average episode lasts. But afterward? POOF! I immediately snap out it, feeling relaxed, refreshed, and rejuvenated! It's like Summer's Eve... for the BRAIN!

How does it work? Here's my theory: The Hills is so utterly devoid of drama or content that the brain enters a deep meditative trance—like staring at a blank wall or watching paint dry. However, there are just enough tiny pinpricks of interest to keep one from going into an irreversible autistic state. For example? Lauren Conrad's mustache. Or Audrina Patridge's donkey teeth. Or that Lo Bosworth resembles a bunny rabbit getting a rectal exam. Or that Heidi Montag looks like a sex cyborg from the year 3082 that was sent back in time because she was awful in the sack. Or that Spencer Pratt and every other douchebag on this show makes Douchey McBaggerson, the grand marshal of Douche Town's annual Douchebag Parade say, "C'mon! How am I supposed to top that?!"

So if you're suffering from preelection PTSDFFYA, join the millions of Americans, like me, who watch The Hills. (Warning: Side effects of The Hills may include nausea, vomiting, night sweats, blind staggers, rickets, and painful rectal itch.) recommended

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23

10:00 VH1 CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW

Season premiere! Dr. Drew returns with more sky-high celebs—and some motivational help from koo-koo Gary Busey!

10:30 COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

Sarah believes she sees Osama bin Laden on the street. OMG! That’s the “October surprise!”

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 NBC CRUSOE

Crusoe loses his wedding ring; his gay slave Friday comforts him.

8:00 AMC HALLOWEEN—Movie

(1978) I like this Mike Myers better than the other Mike Myers. Who’s with me?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Mad Men’s Jon Hamm hosts, Coldplay perform. SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26

8:00 NBC THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN—Movie

(2005) Steve Carell learns the basics of “inserting tab A” into “slot B.” 10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Season finale! With Don still missing, the office scrambles to keep up with their sexual-harassment quota.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 NBC CHUCK

A Buy More efficiency expert doesn’t think Chuck is using his customer-service/battling-international-terrorist time effectively.

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Lauren wonders whether she should bleach her mustache, while Audrina can’t see it because of her large teeth.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28

10:00 OXY COOLIO’S RULES

Debut! Coolio’s new catering business hits a snag when his family says, “Umm… aren’t you supposed to be a rapper?”

10:00 FX THE SHIELD

David’s bid for mayor gets sidetracked by an annoying federal ethics investigation.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29

8:00 CBS/ABC BARACK OBAMA’S MESSAGE

A 30-minute infomercial about Barack Obama! Force your racist relatives to watch it!

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

When the girls are told they will be flying to a European destination, they complain, “But we don’t speak Europe!”