Fun Humpy family fact: I have twin sisters! And before you say ANYTHING: No, they are not bisexual. And no, you have not seen them on a Coors Light commercial, they do not walk around in bikinis, nor do they like to get loaded and make out during spring break. Are they attractive? How the fawk am I supposed to know? They're my sisters! I guess they're okay looking. I sincerely don't know. What I do know is that when other guys meet my sisters, they are constantly asking me to videotape it when they make out. Which would be fine except for two things: (1) They never, ever "make out," and (2) if they did, the vomit would never stop squirting out of my mouth. BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS!!!
"Oh c'mon, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Since when did YOU of all people become such a prudish schoolmarm? Surely you must agree that identical bisexual twins are God's most perfect creation." As a matter of fact, I DO agree that identical bisexual twins are one of nature's most miraculous phenomena. It's rare enough when a single egg is fertilized to form one zygote, which then divides into separate embryos. But when the resultant twins also turn out to be identically hot and identically horny for both sexes? Ah, truly this is an occurrence so exquisite... so remarkably uncommon... even Baby Jesus pales in comparison. (I'm sorry Christians, but c'mon. You know as well as I do that if identically hot baby bisexual twins were born in Bethlehem, the three wise men would've left Baby J in a cloud of dust.)
HOWEVER! When the hot identical bisexual twins are MY sisters? Ewwwwwwwww! Blechh! Pa-tooie! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! If my skin could crawl off my body, it'd be halfway to Arizona by now! So for the love of all that's holy, can we PLEASE never again mention the idea of my two sisters oiled up, naked, and ramming their tongues down each other's throats? THANK YOU. Now, shall we discuss identical bisexual twins who AREN'T my sisters? Yes? Again... THANK YOU.
This coming Tuesday (Dec 9) at 10:00 p.m., prepare to delouse your TiVo for the season premiere of MTV's A Shot at Love—but this time? There isn't a skanky bisexual Tila Tequila in sight, because this bikinied walking petri dish has been replaced by... you guessed it... identical bisexual twins! And curiously enough they're BOTH looking for the love on a reality show jam-crammed with horny single guys and horny lesbian ladies.
Unnervingly entitled Double Shot at Love, the show features the aptly named Ikki twins: Rikki and Vikki, who you may have previously seen skanking it up in ads for Hooters and on that terrible Criss Angel show. Together they will dry-hump and tongue-wrestle every douchebag (and -baguette) in sight until they each find their one and only true love! (Sigh! It's like a Disney cartoon... with genital herpes!)
Will I watch it? OF COURSE! It's got hot identical bisexual twins who aren't my sisters. Will my sisters watch it? Well, if they do... DON'T GET ANY FUNNY IDEAS! Blechh! Ewww! Pa-tooie! 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Tensions flare over how to spend a $4,000 surplus! (How about 400 Dwight bobblehead dolls?)
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Jack gets screwed AGAIN when the GE CEO (Rip Torn) awakens from his coma.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5
9:00 ANI WHALE WARS
Check out this reality series about a whale-rescue organization... staffed by a bunch of jerks!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6
8:00 CMT HULK HOGAN'S CELEBRITY WRESTLING
Season finale! Four celebs enter the ring... three leave in body bags.
9:00 SCIFI CYCLOPS—Movie
(2008) Another supercheesy SciFi flick, wherein two-eyed Eric Roberts battles a one-eyed freak.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7
8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season finale! The remaining teams race from Moscow to the finish line in Portland (where no one will really care who won).
9:00 HBO HOUSE OF SADDAM
A four-part biopic of the rise and fall of Saddam Hussein. Features the song, "Spider Hole, Here I Come!"
MONDAY, DECEMBER 8
8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
This week starring hunky Josh "No Country for Old Men" Brolin!
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
In a surprise twist, Heidi marries Spencer and... is she freaking INSANE?!?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9
10:00 BIO SHATNER'S RAW NERVE
Bill Shatner interviews ex-porn queen Jenna Jameson. Really, what else do I have to say?
10:00 MTV A DOUBLE SHOT OF LOVE
Season premiere! The contestants learn they will be pursuing bisexual twins, which renews their belief in God.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10
8:00 FOX SECRET MILLIONAIRE
This week, a generous millionaire goes to Utah Mormon country, and can't find a single deserving person. Weird.
8:00 NBC LITTLE SPIRIT: CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK
A magical sprite gives tours of NYC (which happily bypass Rudy Giuliani).
Where's the show about omnisexual quadruplets? steve@thestranger.com
