Dear Ex-Roommate: Remember when you went away for the weekend and asked me to take care of your cats? When you came back, you found a big scratch on one of their faces, and both of them were cranky and extra needy. That's because one night I got wasted and forgot to close the back door. When I woke up in the morning, I found muddy paw prints all over the kitchen floor. I think they were raccoon prints. Also, the cats' food dish was upside down and empty, and the kitchen was filthy and obviously rummaged through by a wild animal. One of the cats was hiding behind the washing machine in the laundry room and wouldn't come out. I blamed the scratch on your other cat, telling you they were fighting while you were gone. I did my best to erase all the evidence. But you know what? I didn't feel bad at all, because you and your goddamned cats were the most annoying, high-strung, chatty, needy creatures I've ever lived with. I now live with two mellow, easygoing people and their mellow, easygoing pets. I knew the guy you flew miles away to meet and hook up with would reject you, because you never relax and you never shut up. Good riddance, annoying bitch.