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Now, is her ex an asshole, of course. He shouldn't have pressed, no excuses. DREAD is also an asshole. She drank, hung out with her ex, which she had a history with, set up a bad scenerio altogether.
She wasn't raped. It's that simple.
And that word, that word should NOT be used lightly. In fact, it is my serious belief that when one is caught pulling the-
Definitley
Regrets
Encounter
After
Discovery
"oops, I shouldn't have done that" "what was I thinking" and turns it into an accusation of rape... if it wasn't, and that girl knows, I hope 100 times over that she gets what she asked for. So she'll know what she put that accused person through. Quit using it as an easy out. You blew it. One night stand, no big deal. Deal with it.
You can't be serious. So every single time you have sex you say "yes"? Wow. Talk about foreplay.
When someone starts that pyschological pressure... then add the physical pressure... Women are trained to not fight it. We become meek and weak and unable to fight. It is the rare and brave woman that fights back. Most of us never have had to cope with that and therefore don't know how to.
Women are raised to be good girls. Good girls to what others want them to do. See the problem? Dread had too much to drink, and she was being pressured physically and emotionally.
You know why she couldn't fight back? She COULDN'T! We learn at an early age that to fight back only makes it worse. It was her only self defense at that point.
Psilly: You are a bastard. Your gf... I can't judge her because we only know your side. But you are an asshole. I can only hope that someday you end up in a situation that lets you see how fucked up it is when you are victimized.
So you'd really just take that chance? Nowhere in DREAD's "article" did she state anything about him getting rough, violent or dangerous. Persistant, yes. Was he right in doing so, no! But, that still doesn't constitute as rape. Did she probably drink too much? Likely, but irrelevant. Point is, she gave in to his pressure. Not out of fear for injury to herself, she didn't even claim that. After it happened she may have regretted doing it or "allowing" it to happen. That's when she decided to turn it into a rape scenerio. She's crying wolf, as so many of you are who won't just open your eyes to the reality of what happened. DREAD wasn't raped, she just did something she later didn't want to cope to.
I was an 11 year old fool? All women get that helpless feeling when confronted like that. Fighting it is difficult. I can now. And I'm sure DREAD can now. But when you are there you don't know how bad it will get.
You are a fool for presuming to know what it's like to be in that position.
30 years after being raped by an aquaintance, I don't know which hurt most: the rape or my boyfriend's reaction, which was similar to DREAD's. Once I finally came to terms with what happened I could direct justified anger at the rapist, which gave me a roadmap through recovery. But the shame that my boyfriend's comments created caused the longest-term damage to my sexuality, and the damage most difficult (but possible) to heal.
Bravo to the responders who understand this. 30 years ago, most commenters would have debated who was to blame, leaving it to a handful of fiery feminists to defend the victim. Thanks to those fiery feminists, today a lot more people "get it."
Not falling for it. Cry wolf again next time, and eventually it will REALLY happen... then I wonder how she'll feel when NO ONE believes her.
Attention starved, sad.
Sure you were. And I'll bet you are a dead ringer for Brad Pitt and the girlfriend who "claimed" she was raped but hit you when you tickled her was actually a serial killer.
I call troll, Psilly.
So, when you're passed out in a drunken coma, as long as some guy ASKS 'hey, you want sex?', the fact that you give no answer - your silence - is consent?
No means no. Drunk means no. Unconscious means no. SILENCE ALSO MEANS NO!
Unless you have a very, very clear "Yes! I want sex! I want you!", it's rape.
I'm sure I'm going to trigger someone who'll say 'Some forms of rape are more rape than others!' Perhaps so. But if straight guys are allowed to be upset over gay guys hitting on them, then why shouldn't women be allowed to let their silence imply their disinterest?
If she seems to be 'playing hard to get' - like, say, pulling her pants up when you try to remove them, or saying "No. I can't." - Take note here guys - SHE'S NOT PLAYING HARD TO GET. SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.
It is really difficult to explain to others what it is like to be overpowered by someone who feels way more powerful than you. If it's never happened to you then it is very hard to imagine how deeply and totally powerless you can feel in that situation. And if you've never felt that powerlessness and helplessness before then it can be hard to imagine not fighting back, not screaming "Stop!" or "RAPE!", not "grabbing his balls and twisting!" If you've never experienced this loss of power yourself, then it can be incredibly difficult to understand why you wouldn't speak your truth in that moment and defend yourself. But I want to say to people, just because you don't understand it, or have a hard time picturing it in your head, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does exist.
The closest thing I can compare it to in normal life, is being in a very tense social situation, where you feel a lot of pressure to say and do things that aren't really the things you would really like to say and do. Maybe this happens with your boss, your teacher, your priest or rabbi, with a cop, or your girlfriend's parents, or when confronted by someone who is physically threatening, like a crowd of rowdy, drunken guys outside a bar, etc.
If you've ever found yourself being a little phony in one of these awkward, tense situations; ever found yourself doing or saying things you really didn't want to say or do, just to get along and to avoid trouble, then you have had a little taste of what it is like to give up your power in order to appease someone else.
Now multiply this scenario by 10, or 100, or 1000. It all depends on the individual how strong this powerlessness feels. After all, not everyone is as confident and tough as you are.
People shouldn't give up their power, but they sometimes do, when they're scared and feeling helpless and alone. It's not their fault that they do. We are all only human, after all. Most of us are not able to be Chuck Norris all the time, in every situation. Most of us can manage some Chuck Norris some of the time, but not all the time. And some folks have a really hard time getting in touch with their inner Norris in any situation.
So understand that a girl shouldn't have to rip out her attacker's throat in order to prove that she doesn't want to have sex with him. Saying "no" just once, in a meek voice, is all she should ever have to do... If her "no" is ignored many times, and she switches her defense tactic to acquiescence, that means she was raped.
I know it is hard for some people, especially some men, to understand that this woman was raped. And frankly all the hateful insults being hurled at these people for not understanding are totally counterproductive. People who don't understand need to have it carefully explained to them, not have insults and curse words thrown at them. It isn't very effective to put someone down at the same time that your trying to educate them. I know I wouldn't understand it myself, if it wasn't for that molestation that happened to me so long ago...
(((peace)))
It is really difficult to explain to others what it is like to be overpowered by someone who feels way more powerful than you. If it's never happened to you then it is very hard to imagine how deeply and totally powerless you can feel in that situation. And if you've never felt that powerlessness and helplessness before then it can be hard to imagine not fighting back, not screaming "Stop!" or "RAPE!", not "grabbing his balls and twisting!" If you've never experienced this loss of power yourself, then it can be incredibly difficult to understand why you wouldn't speak your truth in that moment and defend yourself. But I want to say to people, just because you don't understand it, or have a hard time picturing it in your head, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does exist.
The closest thing I can compare it to in normal life, is being in a very tense social situation, where you feel a lot of pressure to say and do things that aren't really the things you would really like to say and do. Maybe this happens with your boss, your teacher, your priest or rabbi, with a cop, or your girlfriend's parents, or when confronted by someone who is physically threatening, like a crowd of rowdy, drunken guys outside a bar, etc.
If you've ever found yourself being a little phony in one of these awkward, tense situations; ever found yourself doing or saying things you really didn't want to say or do, just to get along and to avoid trouble, then you have had a little taste of what it is like to give up your power in order to appease someone else.
Now multiply this scenario by 10, or 100, or 1000. It all depends on the individual how strong this powerlessness feels. After all, not everyone is as confident and tough as you are.
People shouldn't give up their power, but they sometimes do, when they're scared and feeling helpless and alone. It's not their fault that they do. We are all only human, after all. Most of us are not able to be Chuck Norris all the time, in every situation. Most of us can manage some Chuck Norris some of the time, but not all the time. And some folks have a really hard time getting in touch with their inner Norris in any situation.
So understand that a girl shouldn't have to rip out her attacker's throat in order to prove that she doesn't want to have sex with him. Saying "no" just once, in a meek voice, is all she should ever have to do... If her "no" is ignored many times, and she switches her defense tactic to acquiescence, that means she was raped.
I know it is hard for some people, especially some men, to understand that this woman was raped. And frankly all the hateful insults being hurled at these people for not understanding are totally counterproductive. People who don't understand need to have it carefully explained to them, not have insults and curse words thrown at them. It isn't very effective to put someone down at the same time that your trying to educate them. I know I wouldn't understand it myself, if it wasn't for that molestation that happened to me so long ago...
(((peace)))
He should get the same criticism that 'Ask Amy' got. This was outrageous. An advice columnist, particularly one who gives relationship/sexual advice should have some awareness/training of what to do when asked advice by victims of crime.
Awful.
You said "I figured the easiest way to get out of this situation was to let him finish." That's consent.
Now it is crucial that you understand that this is absolutely false. Saying YES is consent. When someone has said NO, consent, afterwards, cannot be accepted as IMPLICIT.
Actually, some professionals recommend that you DO NOT FIGHT BACK, because that could lead the rapist to seriously injure or KILL YOU.
No means no. Letting a rapist rape you after you said no DOES NOT MEAN YOU CONSENTED. It means you were afraid and overpowered and out for self-preservation.
It is STILL not your fault, and you can still call the cops and press charges if you want to. Whether you decide to press charges or not, go to a hospital and get a rape kit done on you in case, after thinking about it or after counselling, you decide to press charges.
Be safe.
I do kind of want to talk about the present boyfriend. While it's unfortunate he's not totally in his GF corner... from his perspective, she must be lying to cover her own cheating. This situation actually covers a lot of the, uh, disagreements between men and women when it comes to rape and sex.
From your typical guy's perspective... this situation is literally impossible. There isn't any amount of social pressure in the world that would cause one to shut up and accept being raped - physical violence is the only currency that rates. It's no wonder he can't imagine that his girlfriend's story.