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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Kidding.
I'd like to be a full human pet; at least try it....
The [controlling] girlfriend knew that CLITS was in the closet, so she should just accept that, or move on.
If you want to have sex, at all, ever, doesn't that make you a "sexual" ?
SWAT: You tried something new, it made you uncomfortable for reasons that I can't really understand except that you're someone who looks for ways to feel guilty. But apparently you did enjoy it at the time, so why not focus on the positive? Maybe make the situation different next time with someone you're more connected with. But it's unreasonable and unhealthy (even physically -- just because of the mental stress, which can get physical) to read so much into these experiments. And (as a doctor) I can assure you that unless there was blood-blood contact, the chances of contracting an STD are virtually zero. In some S/M activities there are risks, but what you're describing sounds very safe. Again, the biggest health risk is the totally unjustified guilt factor that raises your blood pressure, affects your immune system, depletes brain neurotransmitters, etc. You should feel positive that you had some short-term fun and learned something about yourself. We should all be so lucky.
@CLITS: Ignore these comments about 'exploiting' your parents. They're supporting you because you're their daughter, and you're staying in the closet because you're afraid they'll act unfairly and cut you off. That would be THEM acting unfairly, not you. Today's society isn't okay with people who discriminate based on sexuality, and that includes parents (although apparently it doesn't include asshole senators, but we expect them to be a bit behind, right?)
On the other hand, maybe they wouldn't cut you off? Maybe you could introduce them to some gay or bi girl you're just friends with, mention her sexuality 'accidentally' (GET HER PERMISSION!), and see how they react to someone else. Who knows? They might be supportive.
Oh, and as a bisexual, watch out for people like 88 who think that means you have to be getting it from both sides at once. Lots of people suffer from 'you said bi, I heard slut' syndrome.
I love your kitty pic, Mrs. Norris!
@CLITS- Dan's soooo right here. Think to 10 years in the future with yet another relationship, but with your financial future, educational future, etc. already on its way to prospering. Your parents will give you far more credulity because you've already shown to be an adult about YOUR decisions, and the future support they give, in whatever way.
Until some kind of emancipation from your parents is underway, or you grow in age (and the implied maturity it brings), MOST parents will view their children as.. young adults. Which in reality really implies Almost-Adults.
The more you show maturity in your actions with life, the more they can and will trust ANY decision you make (no matter how conservative the parent). Prove the other, more important stuff right by them, and the rest will follow. And if doesn't?? THEN use your education and career as proof to them that you ARE ready!
"You obviously are not the parent of a teenage daugther and have limited or no experience with teenage girls," you're right, outside of my experiences with teen girls as a teen, which were varied and generally fun, i have little experience with them; for, such experience at this point in the absence of any progeny would make me at best a creep.
"The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.
That wasn't even a rhetorical question--it was a rhetorical statement. And the person obviously wasn't asking for advice, or even describing a real situation. It was a sexual fantasy with no relevance to this column.
I don't really believe Mr. Savage could have missed that distinction; instead, I believe he decided the butt-plug tail thing would make good print.
Regardless, I was disappointed. The other three offerings were relevant, and serious, and witty, and all that other good stuff that makes us read this column. Including that one seems either a cynical decision to parade someone's goofy fetish for cheap giggles, or legitimate sloppiness, either of which seem below par here.
Something analogous applies to women too.
Listen, I think of 5 year olds as asexual. If I ever saw one expelling his daily load of cum to stay comfortable and reduce his sexual urges (godless heavens forbid) I would think he'd need an endocrine appointment. He may have attraction to no one, but he's not asexual.
PS not ejactulating is not unhealthful, although some sketchy research suggests that ejaculatory frequency may slightly affect prostate cancer risk. If anyone tells you they're jerking off for health reasons you've been lied to.
I completely disagree with your claim that ejaculating lacks health benefits. But that's not really relevant. The point is that it's quite possible for a male to have a strong desire to get rid of the sperm his body is producing and yet to be sexually attracted to no-one. Such a person has a sex drive but is asexual.
As for your complete disagreement with my claim that ejaculating lacks clear health benefits--well, prove it. You're a researcher or urologist or something? What health benefit?
There are of course, as @124 hints, those who are asexual but engage in intercourse*. There are more things... than can be dreamt of in your philosophies, Horatio...
[ By your definition / literal logic, all asphyx kink enthusiasts must be suicidal and depressed, rather than loving life and getting off on their kink. If the discussion is about labels, you need to broaden your scope and range a bit and print some more options]
*Had a catholic partner like that: her mind was 'sex is bad / I don't like sex' but her body was naked allthesame. She was convinced Belief that sex wasn't something she liked was enough to carry her through. i.e. that virginity's a mindset, not a mechanical test. I didn't care to judge whether she was right or wrong - not my place to tell someone else if they are valid or not.
And yes, FFS, vegans swallow. Bacon-flavored spoog or not. Asshole vegans who don't like swallowing are the ones who label vegans as non-swallowers. But they are likely just spermophobics taking their vegan sisters and brothers down with them, or are trying to make themselves more 'balanced', karmically, when they fall in lust for an oral-lovin' carnivore. *sigh*
1. No one is trying to say, "I'm better than you." In fact, many asexuals go through periods of feeling inadequate and worrying that they are "damaged" because they just can't seem to work the way "normal" people do.
2. Asexuality is not a choice--it's just the way they're made. The asexual community includes people who spent years trying to like sex, in various incarnations and with various genders of people, trying to understand what the fuss is about. In the end they realized they were somehow fundamentally different, in that sex wasn't part of their wiring.
3. Asexuals don't understand sexuals any more than sexuals understand asexuals. The difference is so basic, it's hard to imagine life from the other side without having experienced it. Asexuals know by now, living in a sexual society, that for a sexual, their sexuality is a thread that runs through their daily lives and colors their romantic--and non-romantic--relationships. However, outside of an intellectual understanding, asexuals can't grasp it themselves or know what it's about. It would be like a straight guy trying to understand what it's like to fall in love with a guy. You can conceptualize it, but you can't ever experience it for yourself or really understand it.
4. << apologies... bitter >> I'm tempted to go hide for about 5, 10.. 15? years while the grand jury of sexuals complete their deliberations on whether or not asexuality exists... 'cause I know in the end, they will find that it does, just like every other non-heteronormative orientation that's come into public awareness over the years. But, damn it, I can't be that irresponsible. So, here I am. I'll stick my neck out--for all the good it will do.
5. Again let me reiterate that we all live on the same planet as for as disclosing. Goodness gracious! Asexuals know by now how important sexuality is to a sexual, and how closely tied emotional and physical intimacy are to them. We get it, stop panicking. We'd TELL you. << / end bitter>>
6. The emotional needs being spoken about are the ones like having someone to share your deepest thoughts with, someone to be your cheerleader when you're down, someone to love you unconditionally and be your first priority--as you are theirs. Unfortunately, asexuals are often forced to make the choice: Sex (that I don't want) + Intimacy, OR Freedom from sex I don't want + No Intimacy. Both choices suck. If there were more societally-accepted ways to have emotional intimacy (beyond "regular" friendship--something emotionally closer, and higher-priority than that) without sex, I think asexuals would be perfectly fine. Personally I feel that American society isn't built for asexuals... but that's only because sexuals are the ones who built it and there are so many of them. They didn't mean to build it that way--it just sort of happened. I'm not hating on sexuals here.
7. For the record, I believe most asexuals would *prefer* to get involved with each other, but it's just that there are not that many out asexuals (and the community is still coming into its own), and that is the reason why asexuals often date sexuals. It's a numbers game. In those cases, I repeat, asexuals (who are self-aware, anyway) disclose and both parties go into the arrangement with their eyes open.
oh man! for some reason, none of these a-sexuals seem to understand why sex is so important to us sexual people!?! WHY IS THIS? LOLOLOL
HEY ALL YOU A-SEXUAL PEOPLE.
You don't understand how important sex is to us sexual people...maybe because you're ASEXUAL? So just take our word for it, sex is VERY IMPORTANT to sexual people, and not disclosing your asexual status in a timely manner makes you a DOUCHEBAG. Srsly, you're going to have to trust us, cos y'all just don't know, okay?
As for asexual people in relationships with sexual people... how is that different from a gay woman/man dating a straight man/woman?
• non-compatible sexual interests
• definitely information that should be revealed early
• possible to work around, but some serious considerations will have to be made
Dan's advice has been pretty consistent: if there's something that's going to affect your relationship with a person in a major way, TALK TO THEM about it. Even if it's minor, he's a huge advocate of communication. One of the reasons I respect his advice much of the time.
Once again, your answers are spot on!
Thanks for another great week!
Imagine living on a planet where everyone but you was extremely obsessed with mustard. Now, you have nothing against mustard, nothing against the people that like mustard, but it just does not taste that fantastic to you. You find it unimportant in the scheme of things, because its just a condiment. However, everyone else's lives revolve around mustard. Political decisions are based on preferences of mustard. Mustard is a big sh*t deal to everyone, and you cannot for the life of you figure out why.
That's what its like for an asexual such as myself. I have nothing against sex, and as a student of biology and a fan of anthropology, sexuality is intellectually fascinating. It does not repulse or bother me that people have sex, sex acts on films bothers me not a whit. It's a little boring, perhaps, like watching people eat, but not offensive. However, the obsession people have with sex will always seem a little odd to me. Fascinating, but essentially odd. Like living in a society deeply entrenched in mustard-love. I'm perpetually baffled, and thus fascinated by this massive obsession over reproductive behaviors.
Dan's advice is sound as far as asexuality goes, and there's nothing asexophobic(?) about the position that an asexual should tell their potential partner before things get too serious. Sex is a big deal for a lot of people, it's assumed to be a significant part of relationships, and such a major incompatability is an important thing for both partners to be aware of early enough to decide whether they want to deal with it or not.
On an unrelated note, Dan has hit on the whole reason monogamy is so hard to define in an asexual relationship -- without the signature act that most people use to define their relationship (sex), apparently simple questions like "am I cheating?" or "are we still in a relationship?" require some real thought and discussion.
FWIW, the tone of the discourse seemed pretty bland over at the asexual forums. It didn't sound like anyone was acting "superior", from my admittedly brief visits. I'm glad that this site exists for those who want help understanding that they are not alone.
I certainly don't think of myself as superior for choosing a celibate life. It is not what I would have decided upon for myself. But after many a year of miserable and abusive relationships I reached middle age, my sex drive dropped, and I no longer have any desire to play the game. In my case its as simple as that.