Columns Oct 1, 2009 at 4:00 am

No Homo

Comments

102
"...or whether the dildo is penis-shaped or Glenn Beck–shaped..."

To be fair Dan, how would one tell the difference between these two aforementioned dildos? Would the Glenn Beck one be crying tears of lube as it fucked my ass? Because although off-putting, that might be pretty functional.

P.S. Although Glenn Beck has nothing to do with this article, I do appreciate your humorous jab at comedian Glenn Beck. Personally, I thought his early stuff was a little too dry, but Glenn Beck's recent stuff is HILARIOUS! Being the open-minded liberal blog that this is, I think it's great when we get a chance to peek under the hood at your politics, and only the most misguided and confused comment poster could ever have a problem with it. *glares at comment #86*
Keep fucking that proverbial chicken.
103
He specified that the dildo his girlfriend was using to pound his ass was 'not penis shaped'. What other shape of a dildo would we workable for ass pounding? Doesn't it need to be phallic shaped to fit and pleasure the orifice best...? I'm not sure how the fact that it was not penis shaped makes a difference to whether or not he has gay proclivities, but I'm more interested in what shape the dildo WAS. I've seen a lot in my day, and they have all been phallic. What am I missing??
104
To # 101:
I'm the one behind the comments # 56 and and 84 , and although I'm not sure you referred to me when posting your comment I'd still like to take the opportunity and promote my agenda....
Male cross dressers aren't freaks- they're actually great and sexy!!!

Being attuned to and accepting our feminine side often makes us understand others better (especially women), we are great lovers (ok- I admit this is not a scientific statement, only an assumption), more inclined to be GGG than most other straight guys (just an example: many of us would LOVE to be on the receiving end, and I assume the percentage among us is much higher for than at the general non-cross-dressing straight male population out there), we are (again- my observation) more aware of gender/sexual orientation issues and politics, well dressed, and know how to party.

In other words: Cross dressing is sexy and should be embraced as such by all people (and especially by the women I'd love to date) .

Good week to all!
105
#103, Any object that is longer than it is wide does not need to be a replica of a human penis (or an animal peneer for that matter) to please the nerve endings that line a cylindrical orifice.

Now get off the couch and stop writing out checks to that quack Dr Freud.

106
#98

Yeah, sorry, uncalled for.
107
i think that DREW needs to not worry so much about being "gay" just because he likes havin his ass pounded!! i don't even think it should matter if its a man or woman doing the pounding!! first: even if you are gay none of this should matter. second: whats gay anymore anyway now-a-days? sex between consenting adults is exactly that SEX!! enter into a same-sex "relationship", that might be a little different, but if you and whomever your with are being safe and having a good time, then to hell with whats GAY or not!!
108
@107: good luck convincing 1% of the population that just having oodles of sex with men and not having a "relationship" isn't gay. Wanting sex with other men = gay or bi, that's all there is to it.

@103: it was a dildo, just didn't have veins and a cockhead and balls. So that's "less gay." Got it?
109
@ beentheredonethatgotthetshirt Living is a risk, because anything and everything we do leads to death. You are basically saying that people should only date one person and never leave them, regardless of the reason, because if they do, they can upset said partner, and lead to the loss of innocent lives and it's best not to take that risk.

Sure, it's bad that she's cheating on him, it's going to hurt him, but it would hurt him just the same if she left him anyway, it would be the same risk. What if she doesn't date FIM and dates some new guy? There's still that risk that the ex is going to get mad about that.

You take a risk to be happy, no one is going to be together forever. Just because there's a risk of something happening doesn't mean it will. If people lived their lives avoiding the smallest of risks just because, we'd all be dead.

I agree with the others who have said you are making this whole thing way to personal. It seems you have some pent up issues from a past experience you might want to find a way to deal with.
110
Primate. Not a problem.

One of the things about FIM that bothers me is if he is so concerned about consequences did HE? describe his situation in some detail and provide a locational reference (Madison) Presumably he is not the only one from his group to read Savage Love.
111
#86 probably /was/ Glenn Beck.
112
Seems as if all conceivable thoughts over the FIM situation have been posted...but I have one more. This world has billions of people, so there will always be a better fuck somewhere. The reason we commit to each other in relationships is so that we can trust our partners to not indulge those possibilities and scuttle the life that two people are building together.

Full disclosure: a similar thing happened to me when my fiancee started to sleep with a musician / mutual friend...I moved here from overseas so her friends were my friends, they understandably chose her side...but my world imploded...I felt run over, squashed into the carpet like one of those ancient grey chewing gum stains you see on the floors of public places.

Relationships take work...if things aren't quite popping, then try to restart the romance before you go off and hurt the one you 'love'. Otherwise stay single...it seems that many of us in post-modern America (*myself included at times) want it both ways (perhaps the polyamorous have it right).

113
To FIM,

Once all is said and done, she will realize what a loser you are, and regret giving up her previous boyfriend and life, not to mention potentially losing her close friends, to explore the infatuation between the two of you, which is sure to last about 12 seconds.

I wish I hadn't had, but I just went through this same experience this summer (I was in the girl's shoes, albeit in an all-male scenario). I gave up the boyfriend who gave me security for the cheater/loser/FIM-character. Like your love interest, I wanted it to end, but found the thrill of the affair much short-lived and wanted the ex-BF back. He doesn't want my ass back and will never speak of, to, or acknowlegde in-any-way-whatsoever the cheater/loser/FIM-character. So be prepared to lose his respect and that of all your mutual friends.

On a cheerful note, you will probably be single again soon.
114
I was going post a "really" offensive comment (shades of Roman Polanski), but there has already been enough incivility and disrespect in the FIM thread. His letter feels surreal, like something right out of the lyrics of Jessie's Girl.
115
I couldn't take not knowing anymore, had to google Glen Beck. He actually is rather penis-shaped, so I don't think that a Glen Beck shaped dildo affects the gay meter one way or the other. The reality is that having something in your ass feels good, that's why we do it. Who cares about the gender of the giver or receiver? It feels good, that's why we have any kind of sex in the first place. (Don't believe any of the study about why women have sex, we do it because IT FEELS GOOD and we LIKE IT, any questions?) Wine-O obviously gets it, and gets more because he gets it.

ggg, Cunnilingus during penetration | Adult DVD Talk Forum | Porn Fan ...5 posts - 4 authors - Last post: Mar 12
All Forums -> The Porn Pool -> Cunnilingus during penetration ... Females in the 69 position while the male penetrates the top woman
forum.adultdvdtalk.com/forum/topic.../13…;

Enjoy. But I really think it would be more fun to do rather than watch...
116
To wine-o and everyone else. I never said that your wife playing with your ass or anything else you and your wife do makes you gay. The fact that you had a man dick in your mouth and you liked it makes you a little gay.

If my wife invited a woman into our bedroom and got down with her, then my wife with be a little lesbo, wont bother me though. If my wife wanted to play with my ass, Ill grab my ankles.

But as soon as you bring another penis into the picture and its not for your wife, then you are gay. Nothing wrong with that, but dont try to make me seem like im close minded, b/c Im far from it. If you dont want to put labels on things then fine, your choice.

If you like to experiment, fine, but you are not straight b/c you enjoy dick in your mouth, ewven if you enjoy it b/c your wife is in the room.

But, more power to you, and on a serious note, Im glad to here you and your wife are in your fifties and enjoy each other so much. I love my wife to death now, and sometimes I cant help to think about our future and I really hope my love for her never changes.

PS: My sex life is on the same level as you, sans extra penises( or is it peni?)....lol
117
"Gay guys have straight sex in high school like straight guys have gay sex in prison: under duress."

Thank you; this just made my quote file.
118
Hey this stuff is great! Pointing out how people need to be honest with themselves and their partners. Just 'cause it is about sex, people, myself included, want to read it and may take a clue. Great stuff and fun to read!!!

Married in Malmo
119
#18 "I take this so personally because it has happened to me and I've seen it happen to others. The results were never pretty. While I never turned violent, some results were truly tragic. Real lifes were destroyed."
Um ... sorry you never got over what happened to you. But you can't really be serious about all this. You're getting so upset over what's happening between a few people that you've never met somewhere far away. Maybe the girl's boyfriend is a complete dipshit. Maybe these two people are 19 years old, or 25 or something super young and this is one of their first relationship issues. Maybe their friends are dicks. YOU have no clue what's really going on under the seams here. AND WHO CARES?! You can't choose sides from reading a column. Sometimes people are driven to cheat by inept lovers. It's a very awkward situation for all involved. Not to mention ... they're only dating. They don't have kids. They're not married. They don't own a home together. That's why "marriage" is the big end-all be all. If you want it THAT bad, put a damn ring on it. Thanks, Beyonce. Until someone's under the lock and marriage key, you can't fault them for trying to get out of a nonfunctional relationship.
In this case, the girl, FIM and the sorry MF that's her boyfriend, could all lose big. Or WIN BIG. Not every break up is the end of the world like beentheredonethat seems to think. Maybe the guy isn't happy in their relationship either. Perhaps that's why things are so rocky. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Dan's advice is completely right. The girl needs to DTMFA. But she needs to take some time out before getting involved with FIM ... unless he doesn't mind being an outcast rebound.
120
#18 "I take this so personally because it has happened to me and I've seen it happen to others. The results were never pretty. While I never turned violent, some results were truly tragic. Real lifes were destroyed."
Um ... sorry you never got over what happened to you. But you can't really be serious about all this. You're getting so upset over what's happening between a few people that you've never met somewhere far away. Maybe the girl's boyfriend is a complete dipshit. Maybe these two people are 19 years old, or 25 or something super young and this is one of their first relationship issues. Maybe their friends are dicks. YOU have no clue what's really going on under the seams here. AND WHO CARES?! You can't choose sides from reading a column. Sometimes people are driven to cheat by inept lovers. It's a very awkward situation for all involved. Not to mention ... they're only dating. They don't have kids. They're not married. They don't own a home together. That's why "marriage" is the big end-all be all. If you want it THAT bad, put a damn ring on it. Thanks, Beyonce. Until someone's under the lock and marriage key, you can't fault them for trying to get out of a nonfunctional relationship.
In this case, the girl, FIM and the sorry MF that's her boyfriend, could all lose big. Or WIN BIG. Not every break up is the end of the world like beentheredonethat seems to think. Maybe the guy isn't happy in their relationship either. Perhaps that's why things are so rocky. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Dan's advice is completely right. The girl needs to DTMFA. But she needs to take some time out before getting involved with FIM ... unless he doesn't mind being an outcast rebound. She's in no position to be in another longterm relationship RIGHT now. Give her some time, even if she doesn't think she needs it.
121
#119/120 Your right nobody knows what is really going on here. Even whether this is true or some sort of fantasy or fabrication. Is someone playing some seriously sick or perverted mind games? See some of the earlier posts questioning who FIM is? I've lived long enough, not to take what FIM wrote at face value. That said, living together usually means something more than just dating. Landlords normally require all parties living together to sign the lease, a prosaic concern which can cause financial problems affecting all concerned. You don't/can't pay the rent you get evicted. As written, FIM's letter could well cause relationship problems for couples who have nothing to do with him.

To FIM: Getting drunk really is a lame ass excuse for sleeping with a friend's girlfriend.
Was it intentional and was she sober? Where were the boyfriend and your mutual friends while this was going down?

122
Tomorrow's Dan's birthday! Everyone should celebrate by getting naked, hammered and pounded!
123
As the poster in #33, I can now report that it happened...I fellated my first guy. With an audience of 2 women, of course.

It was just...odd. It was exciting, my girlfriends could barely contain themselves, video taped it, made a lot of suggestions, etc. It also seemed to go on for a very long time until the natural ending.

I suppose I am gay now, according to some of the posters but I don't feel any different...just a little more...complete? I know I will be doing it again and again, to please my girlfriend.,,she also suggested that we should plan on getting married, which is the strangest, oddest thing to come out of this...but I am thrilled.

The wedding night should be interesting.
124
#123, you might not be gay but your sure are a little Bi-curious....as Butters would say.

125
@65: don't you effing dare. There is a few things in life that really piss me off, and your statement about the AIDS crisis in Africa is one of them. From your comment I am assuming that you've read one, maybe two articles on the issue and have decided that you know all. I have lived in parts of Africa, and your comments are, quite frankly, demeaning to the people there who die because of AIDS. You sum them up to be cheaters and people to stubborn to use condoms. Are you kidding me? Don't talk shit about things that you don't know.
126
Regarding DREW. I disagree with your response, Dan. I am a queer man, and I primarily date and have sex with other queer men. However! I have been dating and having sex with a transgendered man for 2 years, and having sex with other non-trans men, trans-men and occasionally fooling around with queer women. Also, he has a girlfriend. When he is with women, it is a queer act. When I am with him, it is a queer act. When I hook up with queer women, it is also a queer act. I think your understanding of gender is VERY limited in this response. It may make sense to DREW, but it makes no sense to me. Sure, for many men and women, if they are doing it, it is a heterosexual act, but to say this is true across the board makes my experience invisible. I am queer no matter who I am having sex with and what I'm thinking about when I am doing it! And for DREW: no you don't sound gay at all, but who cares what you label yourself - if you like getting fucked, just enjoy it!
127
Hi, sorry for posting twice, I just thought my email to Dan directly was clearer than my last post:

Hi Dan!

I enjoy your column. Your DREW response, however, put my whole household up in arms. Call us hippy polyamorous gender-fluid freaks, but we hated it, and we are not actually hippies nor freaks.

I am a queer man and I am not trans, but I am not your traditional man (many consider me culturally and emotionally more like a lesbian), and I generally date and have sex with other non-trans queer men. But for the last 2 years I have been dating and having sex with a trans man and also sometimes doing it with other trans men and queer women. My trans boyfriend also has a girlfriend. None of our sex is ever heterosexual, no matter who we are with. I have vaginal sex with him. He fucks women and I do too. Would you call any of that heterosexual? Sometimes I think about men when I am with women, and sometimes I think about women when I am with men. That is all queer.

I think that your understanding of gender and sexuality that you put forth in this response to DREW makes me and so many of my friends and family invisible. Please don't generalize. Sure, for many for many men and women (such as the case with DREW) if they are doing it, it is a heterosexual act, but to say this is true for all men doing it with women (or vice versa) is just not true. Because there are more than two genders! The women I hook up with are boyish! The men I hook up with are often feminine! Please don't make gender-non conforming people invisible.

Thank you.

up in arms
128
@69 - brava on getting your second post to land precisely at post #69. *starts slow clap*

Critics that claim getting pegged "makes you gay, huh huh huh uh huhh" are (closet) homophobes, or just don't really understand how sexuality works beyond what their parents, Beavis, or the childhood priest taught them.
Pity them. They have no idea how much fun they are missing.

@90: in response to your last line: Dan's column, indeed. Insert obligatory "That's what HE said" here.

@86: dear beck fanboy. You know you'd buy a Glenn Beck dildo if it was offered to you so stop protesting so much. Putting one up your ass makes good sense since he's full of shit, and then so too would be your ass.

@103: I also think penis-shaped implies realism, and he (OP) draws the line at a realistic phallus (whereas bananas, broomhandles, maglites, cukes, certain waterbottles, and empire state building -shaped are AOK). and check out babeland.com: I'm not sure I'd call the pink bunny entirely 'penis-shaped' (I've yet to see a conjoined-twin-bunny attached to anyone's penis. Have you?). The 'ponytail' anal plug, while not strictly a dildo, is far from penis shaped as well.
129
Dan,
a Glenn Beck shaped dildo IS dick shaped. Other than that minor quibblke, great advice all around this week. I agreed with all of it.
130
@125 I guess you don't believe the WHO, CDC, and NGOs and their reports on the reasons for and wide spread transmission of AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa. You probably also deny the role played by bath houses in the spread of AIDS in this country. Both are human tragedies that could've been prevented if gutless politicians hadn't been afraid of offending their political supporters. I feel nothing but scorn for all parts of the political spectrum.
131
@125 Since you imply you have greater knowledege and expertise, perhaps you can explain the wide spread transmission of AIDS among the heterosexual population of sub-Saharan Africa. Or how you get wide spread transmission of any STD without unprotected, promiscious sex.
132
@123 There's always "heteroflexible." To me, it sounds more like you're submissive and were just doing your duty entertaining the ladies. Maybe it was fun because the women found it so hot?

If you only like sucking cock under the orders of a female audience, I'd say you aren't interested in men. If you would go suck cock on your own, then maybe bicurious.

And that was a seriously hot story.
133
@123 There's always "heteroflexible." To me, it sounds more like you're submissive and were just doing your duty entertaining the ladies. Maybe it was fun because the women found it so hot?

If you only like sucking cock under the orders of a female audience, I'd say you aren't interested in men. If you would go suck cock on your own, then maybe bicurious.

And that was a seriously hot story.
134
Ursa major,

I am definitely submissive, as you can see from 123/33, but I think only because I met my girlfriend at a particular moment in my life when I was open to being taken by her and made into what she wanted me to be. Otherwise, even if we had met later on, I do not believe all of this would have happened.

When she told me to undress for her in her living room on our second date in front of a large window at night I almost bolted out the door. When she told me to pull my underwear into my behind, I thought I was crazy to stay. When she showed me 2 of her favorite magazines - one with anal insertions of billiard balls! into men, the other of gay sex, I reached for my clothes, but she lightly brushed my cock - and I stayed.

I have received 3 more fellatio lessons from the same man since 123 - in a week!. He has complimented me on how much I have improved since the first time; the last time, he was quite rough at my girlfriend's suggestion and to her delight...and yes he got into my throat, a bit.

I agree I am not 'interested' in men. Unfortunately, my girlfriend gave this guy my cell number while I was still on my knees in front of him and told him that I was available whenever he wanted me, that he did not have to wait for my girlfriend to call him.

I suppose I am going to fulfill your condition of going to suck cock on my own. This guy is also part of a couple, by the way. My girlfriend is also 'moving ahead" with our wedding plans...what a life...it's just so exciting.
135
Dear beentheredonethat, I followed your post and I'm thinking next time don't get the t-shirt.
136
I think too many people have an opinion about FIM! The only ones that need to be heard are from FIM and the woman in question. Dan, what about open relationships and other situations where it is allowed, encouraged, and not exactly lying? And what about the leases involved? How can a woman, or man, simply break up and move out just to laid? A lease is usually at least 6 months of not a year! That is a long time and some people do not like to or want to live alone. Most people I know move in with their new lover, once the breakup has occurred. I think this whole thing with FIM shows the current lack of respect for women. A woman is automatically blamed, reduced to slut status, and shunned for having anything to do with another man, love or no love. If she seeks to get her needs met, even with the permission i=of her live in boyfriend, then she loses friends (if that is what you would call them) and many people lose respect for her. The two people who could enlighten us the most are the woman and h er live in boyfriend. Yet we have not heard from them, therefore it is all gossip and nonsense. If FIM and her are in love, are falling in love, there is no timeline to love. DO continue to stay in touch and let her know of your feelings. Tell your friends to watch some good tv and back off of real life. I see and hear way too many comments on reality-based tv shows like Maury Povitch and those shows that regularly degrade women who are doing the same thing that most men do without even thinking about it!
137
re:34,123, 134 postings...it has happened so many times since my last post that i don't know where to start. I am on 'speed dial' on the phone of my fellatio 'trainer' and he calls me at least once a day, usually twice. I have serviced his boyfriend - sometimes both of them together - at their home, office, in their car...wherever they want me. On one special occasion, my girlfriend removed the hair on my legs and chest and everywhere else, dressed me in a maid's costume and delivered me to a birthday party for my trainer. The party was a kind of coming out event and I ended up smeared in birthday cake. My girlfriend is thrilled - most of it was her idea - and has created a web site and posted pictures of me at the party. She also has some pictures that she carries in her wallet and has framed a couple of the best ones for our 'secret' room.

We are getting married just before Christmas, by the way. My girlfriend tells me that our wedding night is going to be something I will never forget and that the honeymoon will be spectacular. She has bought me a theatrical pig costume -nose and ears, hooves, body suit, including a butt plug with a curly tail, but won't tell me when I will be wearing it. She has also pointedly told me that she has bought a number of feather pillows(?).

I suppose I will find out soon what is going to happen.
138
A clarification for Dan: ovaries don't throb with arousal. It's like saying "my gall bladder is throbbing" or "my spleen is throbbing". Kind of yucky, and not at all sexual.

A more accurate thing might be to say, "my clit is throbbing" or "my pussy is throbbing".
139
What is GGG?
140
GGG is short for the sound made by someone deep throating
141
@9 (forlornpanda) who said this:

"I am trying hard, and thus far failing, to read this in a way that does not equate gay guys' experience in high school with rape."

Not all prison sex is rape. Sometimes it's just "this is all that's available and I'm really that desperate, so let's take turns closing our eyes and pretending the other one is Jennifer Love Hewitt." For that matter, being someone's bitch can have advantages in prison politics and, to some guys, that's worth it.

While prison rape is a problem, not all prison sex is exclusively rape.
142
and now, with my pierced cock, pierced guiche, red lips - I own no men's clothes - we have been happily married for a couple of years. I no longer have sex with men and we are going shopping for mens clothes for me...my wife is pregnant and we moving back to normal...for now, although as I type this, my wife is pulling her whole hand out of my ass!
143
...and my wife just made an appointment to have my balls(scrotum really) pierced about 4 times per ball so that, when my Prince Albert and guiche rings are attached I look like I have a pussy from the front. She is very excited - so am I!

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