Columns Oct 8, 2009 at 4:00 am

Not Too Sexy

Comments

1
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. All relashionships are about boundries, and if ANYONE is unable to maintain their own boundries while needing to blame someone else for their own shortcomings, they are not pro anything. . . except manipulative and immmature.
2
Being a little bitchy is a "prerequisite" of my profession. should be the opening line. Whoever edited or proofread this should be fired! or flogged until the mistress forgives him or her.
3
I don't doubt that much of the time their "hooker-with-a-whip" comments mean exactly that (especially because they choose to phrase it that way instead of "she gets more sexual than I am comfortable getting.") But it's possible some of them really are worried that a pro dom being more sexual with clients will make it harder for others to make money without being more sexual with clients. I strip, and there's definite anxiety at my club about the possibility of other girls doing sexual things for clients, because we have to work so hard to maintain our boundaries as is. If some guy tells me "well -she- did it," of course I can say "well -I- won't," but it is much easier to be able to say "a stripper is not a prostitute, you cannot touch me" if that's true of everyone I work with. Because fact is, the customers do not actually respect my boundaries. It's much easier to make it about the rules.
4
No, it's correct. Ask for forgiveness yourself, A-N-O-N-Y-Mouse.

per⋅qui⋅site
1. an incidental payment, benefit, privilege, or advantage over and above regular income, salary, or wages:
2. a gratuity or tip.
3. something demanded or due as a particular privilege
5
@3 other people are not here to make your life easier. it would be easier for me if my employer just deposited a check to my account every 2 weeks without my having to do anything. but unfortunately you have to hustle in this life. so quit whining. if being a stripper is so terible then go be a waitress.
6
@3 - Could not agree more!
7
do you want fries with that?
8
@Bea - you are quite correct, a stripper is -not- a prostitute. However, that doesn't mean you can control whether or not your co-worker is both. If you have a client tell you "well, -she- did it," I'd try telling him, "well, some secretaries sleep with their bosses, too, but you can't go around assuming one will. Hands off." This will put it in a context most guys will hopefully understand - it's against the rules, and you can sometimes find someone willing to bend or break the rules, but if you go around assuming everyone will, you'll quickly find yourself in the position of Not Someone To Work For.
9
@4:

I'm with A-N-O-N-Y-mouse here. While substituting "perquisite" for "prerequisite" doesn't yield an absolutely unintelligible statement, "prerequisite" still makes a heck of a lot more sense in this context, and is probably what Mistress Matisse intended.
10
"Being bitchy is one perk of being a dominatrix." Makes perfect--or do I mean prefect?--sense.
11
I'll go with perquisite. In context, a privilege not enjoyed by others makes more sense than a required accomplishment. No?
12
yuck, the bitchy mistress missed the boat on this one. In my semi-vast experience "hooker-with-a-whip" means exactly what everyone THINKS it means: a hooker with no experience at being a domme who's bought a couple of toys. The distinction is clear between that phrase and a real pro-domme, no matter what matter of sex the pro-domme chooses to have, or not have with her clients. Case in point, Matisse does pretty much everything that would get you arrested for prostitution in most states with her clients, but few would call her a hooker as opposed to a pro-domme. Not everything is actually a cat fight.
13
I'm on both sides of @12's comments, because I've run into both. I see it all the time, and it's not jut pro-dommes, gay men do this, trans people do this, hell I was ostracized by the friggin AV CLUB in Jr High for being "too scary" and "using big words" THE NERDS didn't like me because I had a large vocabulary!

In every marginalized group there's a core insecurity that causes people to hurl insults at each other that are meant to exclude the target of their anger and jealousy out of the inclusive little subculture womb.

Trans women cut each other verbally by calling the other "just a drag queen". Trans men scoff and call each other "butch lesbians". In S/M circles if you have an equal partnership relationship with the person you play with, or god forbid, you have more than one partner and like to screw around, you're ostracized as a "kinky swinger".

On the other hand, there ARE incompetents out there who really ARE just hookers with a few toys. And creepy swingers who figure a leather vest and a deerskin flogger they don't know how to use will up their odds of getting some extra pussy.
14
I'm on both sides of @12's comments, because I've run into both. I see it all the time, and it's not jut pro-dommes, gay men do this, trans people do this, hell I was ostracized by the friggin AV CLUB in Jr High for being "too scary" and "using big words" THE NERDS didn't like me because I had a large vocabulary!

In every marginalized group there's a core insecurity that causes people to hurl insults at each other that are meant to exclude the target of their anger and jealousy out of the inclusive little subculture womb.

Trans women cut each other verbally by calling the other "just a drag queen". Trans men scoff and call each other "butch lesbians". In S/M circles if you have an equal partnership relationship with the person you play with, or god forbid, you have more than one partner and like to screw around, you're ostracized as a "kinky swinger".

On the other hand, there ARE incompetents out there who really ARE just hookers with a few toys. And creepy swingers who figure a leather vest and a deerskin flogger they don't know how to use will up their odds of getting some extra pussy.
15
I'm a sex worker and I love this week's column. I hear horribly judgmental statements from other sex workers about each other all the time.

@#3 As far as stripping, Matisse has done that, too, and she just wrote about strippers trying to control each others' behavior in her blog: mistressmatisse.blogspot.com

I've never been a stripper, but I do work in a group environment, and I can tell you that, generally speaking, the more sexual you're willing to be, the more clients will pay you, and the less sexual you are willing to be, the more likely it is that the client will go see someone else. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries as a sex worker - I certainly have more than a few myself, but I accept the fact that some of those boundaries mean that I will make less money than someone else who doesn't have them. On the other hand, I have my own individual appeal and I get by just fine doing what I do.

I was also a bartender for years, and I can tell you that *all* bartenders steal a certain amount of booze from the house and give it to customers in exchange for a ridiculously big tip. Yes, it's a risk, because you could get caught, but it's just like stripping or any other business venture - the more risk you're willing to take, the more earning potential you'll have. I tried to get other bartenders to adhere to a certain set of rules about how much "hook-up" is acceptable, but eventually I realized that it wasn't going to work and that I'd have to find other ways to get people to tip me if I didn't want to risk getting fired. I probably didn't make as much money as I could have, but I always had steady employment.

Sex-negativity is so deeply ingrained in our society, it's become a tool for controlling each other in remarkably complex ways, and this column is a great example of that phenomenon.
16
Someone wrote, "the bitchy mistress missed the boat on this one. In my semi-vast experience "hooker-with-a-whip" means exactly what everyone THINKS it means: a hooker with no experience at being a domme who's bought a couple of toys."

In fact "the bitchy mistress" was quite accurate. :) There are review sites for Dominas, and I've seen this specific comment made by Pro Dommes about other Pro Dommes plenty of times; "hooker with a whip" is the functional idiom.

It seems to be some sort of sex-worker universal constant that many will try to control the behavior of the whole and just as many will work around whatever limitations are laid in their way.

Whether strippers or Dominas, there will always be ladies who want to do a bit less with a vested interest in tightening the standard. But the harder it is to break "the rules", the more profitable it is to do so. Thus, efforts to establish boundaries always fail to a significant extent.
17
I think there are two logical reasons for stripper to oppose on premises extras by other girls

1. Not wanting to set in a wet spot created by the fluids from those on premises extras

2. Not wanting to lose their place of work because the club was shut down due to the on premises extras

I have no issues with off site extras but the on premises ones create a potential risk of lose of job or contact with other peoples bodily fluids.
18
"...a mistress who can't maintain her chosen boundaries herself without trashing other women? That's a poor excuse for a dominatrix."

Yes, it is. Unfortunately, not all of us are shining examples of intelligent politics or self esteem. We need to band together - not tear each other apart with separatist crap that pits sex worker against worker. But, guess what - it happens! Where ever people's egos are involved, there's BS to be found...

Some pro dommes like the idea of the fantasy of a lifestyle with all the perks of sex work, doing work they can try to say doesn't have the "icky sex worker" tag attached. These women try to distance themselves from the guts of sex work in effort to curry favour with our society that rejects sex work as "real work". They see "Hookers with whips" as threats and act just as if they are - as these women are straight up about what is actually on offer in a way the Pro-Domes can't be. "If you always have to tell everyone you're a lady, you aren't." (Thatcher)

The other side could be that, due to some greater acceptance and current vogue that BDSM is enjoying, the sex industry is swamped with underskilled workers looking to capitalize. The pro dommes who gave a sh#t to upskill and invest money in a dungeon have a right to be pissed. (I understand as I've worked hard to make what I have.) But - any self respecting pro-dom will hold hold her own regardless and all those who bitch are just... insecure little girls.

It's all just a fight over $ - the lowest form of human expression.

I've been a pro dom in Australia for 10yrs. Sex work is real work. Thanks for the post.
19
I hate to admit I watched this, but Tyra Banks (who for some reason doesn't believe she is in the business of selling her body) recently had a show on about the infighting between different categories of sex workers. She pitted a stripper, a street prostitute, a Bunny Ranch prostitute, an escort, a centerfold model and a porn star against each other. They were to each prove that they were in the most 'morally upstanding' sex profession. What ended up happening was everybody tried to one-up the others, yelling why they were in the best profession and why all the other girls were just whores. It all smacked of insecurity, and of course staging for ratings. I only watched half of it, but I think I can safely say that current mainstream media isn't helping Mistress Matisse's case. Sex workers are vilified in the mainstream, and each worker thinks they can only be accepted by separating themselves from the pack.
20
@8:
sounds like you may want to organize. That's the kind of solidarity you're talking about. Aren't most strippers 1099 contractors though?

- - cue 'strippers union, local 69' joke here - -

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