Columns Oct 22, 2009 at 4:00 am

Plunge In


thanks as always dan!
Dan, Your comment to staighten out the misconception in the question about going limp is commendable. But I'm starting to see a trend in this week's answers, huh?
Did i read the second question wrong ? I assumed the writer was a woman talking about vaginal intercourse.

The first letter was the best ever, with all those wonderful details!!!
For ANUS - there are sex toys out there that are designed to look less obtrusive; some are even disguised (although these are usually the "pocket rocket" type of vibrators decorated as a lifesavers roll or some such). You might want to look for one of those.

Also, when I was living at home with my parents for a summer in between years at college, I kept all my sex-related stuff in a metal box that locked - I think it was originally designed for makeup, because it had different shelves and compartments inside. Very useful! Then I just kept it locked, under my bed. Of course, my parents are the liberal types that would respect my privacy; I only kept it locked to keep them from accidentally stumbling upon it for some reason. I don't know if that would work for you - maybe a locked toolbox?
ANUS... a good hiding place is inside the boxspring of your bed. Make a little cut in the fabric underneath it, and you can hide just about anything in there, on top of the wood slats so it doesn't leave a telltale bump on the fabric, should your parents look under your bed. Another good place is down your register... depending on the type of register you have. My brother and I hid our liquor in the wall vent of his bedroom... You need to get a bag and some string, and a way to tie it inside the vent (I think my brother put a nail in there when my parents weren't home), then you can hide it in there. Or, walk into your closet, turn around, and look up. No one EVER thinks to look at that space inside the closet above the door. Tape stuff up there.
@4: Dan may have editted some info, but even so, the use of "bottom" strongly suggests gay guys going at it. A woman would describe anal sex as "anal sex" and vaginal sex simply as "sex" or "getting inside me"
I call FAKE on the first letter. Instructive, yes, but still fake. It's too specific in parts, the tone sounds "off" somehow, and it ends with the faux-concern for others that is a hallmark of fake letters.
promoting anal sex just for the Frot Warrior's sake? Dan, your generosity towards your fellow man is truly touching.
I've had the dick going limp before insertion problem. Partly it's because my dick is fairly big, and the head is really big. Getting a condom on can be very difficult. Also, as much as I love fucking ass, and even rimming the exceptional ones, I don't like the fingering and such you have to do first. Also, any whiff of scat is a total boner killer too. So between the fingering and the condoms, it's really easy to lose the mood. Like 30 seconds can be too long.

I've got over the condom problem since my dick is not as big and hard as in my younger years, and also by practicing. As far as the fingering and stuff goes, it helps if you can find a bottom who is ready to ride (clean, and knows how to take it).

These guys might also be more turned on by the passive role in sex. Getting a BJ is much more passive and less work than fucking ass. Try being more in charge. Learn how to slap that condom on. If you want it so bad, be ready to take it up your butt fast. Maybe loosen yourself up with a dildo beforehand (by yourself, if you think he's not into watching - otherwise he may feel this is just more pressure to perform). And make sure you're clean! I can't tell you how to do that since unfortunately I have no talent and little experience in such matters. But if he's like me, he's not going to tell you that your ass smells, even if his dick is trying to tell you.
I had a boyfriend who worked as an EMT and got called to the scene where an old man had been pleasuring himself with a plunger in the beathroom. He slipped and fell. Punctured his colon and died. Horribly, and very painfully. Would love a bit more vehemence in your advice against plungers as sex toys. Just sayin.
I wonder if these guys are just too tight in the anus? I find that when I'm sticking my dick into a tight spot (whether it be someones hole, or those god awful tight extra-thin condoms) I go limp too. Maybe these guys need to get their holes stretched a bit more before full on ass fucking.

Also, props to the first question, I've read Savage Love for years so I'm used to details but that is by far the most detailed letter I've ever read.
Dan, thanks for pointing out that anal sex isnt the defining sex act for EVERY GAY DUDE.
I enjoy oral (including rimming), but just dont get into anal sex. My boyfriend always made me feel like something was wrong with me. Now that we are broken up and Im dating lots of different guys, Im realizing Im not alone. Thanks for confirming that for me.
@4 and @7,
The person signed the letter as "BOY only needs erect dick". So, that's should tell you whether or not the person is male or female.
@14: No, they're talking about the second question, from LIMP.
still dont know about the answer to the third question. dan answered "whats goin on?", not "what can i do?"
still dont know about the answer to the third question. dan answered "whats goin on?", not "what can i do?"
@8 I agree. Fake-O-Rama.
Who cares whether the first letter is a fake or not. There are probably lots of young, and old (what a horrible story), guys (and girls!)out there afraid of having their sex toys discovered by others who could really use this advice. I'd also advise the fake-or-not writer to start practicing coming without anything up his butt. Not so he doesn't need a sex toy, but just to widen his range of orgasm-bilities.
@4: Yeah, women in straight relationships don't tend to describe themselves as "bottom."

LIMP, don't judge by age. The second you said that, I understood why your boyfriend was getting so nervous. 21-year-olds can get anxious, AND they can have medical problems.

Obtain a real toy. Hide it well, try a locked box like suggested above. You can always tell your parents its for your future wife if they come across it. I do hope they respect your privacy.
@8, I'm with you in thinking it is fake, but on the off chance it is a real letter, I'm thinking this kid is bound to be on an episode of that A&E show about obsessive/compulsive types. That cleaning, prepping, enjoying, cleaning ritual is too extensive and detailed to be anything but the first signs of a progressively regimented lifestyle culminating in counting of the number of eyelashes he has every 2 hours to make sure they're all there.
Your note to parents is good, Dan. Unfortunately, the parents who truly need to read what you wrote are never going to browse a sex advice column written by a gay man.
Even if the first letter is a fake I can assure you there are people out there doing that very thing - myself included when I was a wee young lass. (Except the part about spraying the bag with Lysol or whatever - YEOUCH! Even *with* washing it off that still made me pucker.)

Though I never used the suction cup on the floor part - that was the only thing I call "bogus" on...and if it's not then that's truly dangerous - I would back the bottom of the plunger up against the wall while bent over. Until one day it gave me a weird quiver in my stomach (I literally felt like it hit inside of my stomach) and I bled a LOT. Thankfully no harm came of it but I was lucky.

It's good info, Dan - and I've already had the convo with my own teen daughter about masturbating with foreign objects and she, in turn, has expressed interest about getting a proper sex toy. But as she's nearly of age she's decided to wait until her birthday and get it herself rather than give me "a dildo take-out order". (I admit I'm a little relieved.)
This is what I would advise ANUS to do:

Get a craft product called Friendly Plastic. It's a microwave-melted, moldable plastic. It's low-temp melt so you can sculpt with it by hand, but not so low-tempt that your body heat will soften it (unless you're running a fever of 110, in which case you'll be to busy dying to play with sex toys). It's non-toxic and hardens to be non-porous (making it, actually, safer than most butt toys you can buy) and is available at arts, crafts and hobby stores. You can use it with oil-based lubes, too.

Buy some plastic. Use it to make some dragon models or something in plain sight of your parents. They'll get used to you coming down to microwave a lump of plastic in a cup of hot water. But in the privacy of your room, sculpt that lump into the butt toy of your dreams WITH A FLANGE ON THE END, let it cool for a few minutes, then go to town. When you're done, toss the toy back in some hot water to both disinfect it and transform it back into a shapeless lump that your parents will never dream of suspecting. If you can get a hot pot in your room so that you'll always have hot water right on hand, you're golden.
@24 - by and large, you're right, but there was a woman some years back who wrote to Dan because she was furious that she'd caught her daughter playing with one of her own dildos. Oops...
Can the teenager just take a carrot to his room, pretend he ate it, then throw it out? If it's discovered in the trash he can say it fell on the floor. But I don't know if carrots work as safe sex toys. Do they?
laurelgardner, that is the best advice ever for the first kid! I hope he's reading these comments.
@27, True... I remember that letter too (and how the writer didn't know if the daughter was cleaning it or not, ick).

I suppose giving the advice to people who mostly already follow it can't hurt, and maybe will actually help just in case there's a couple people out there who read Savage Love but somehow aren't informing their kids about sex (and what the hell is going through those people's heads?)
Found the following helpful suggestions via Google at

"I suggest going to Home Depot or Lowes and look in the area where their are small hand tools, with different shaped hand grips and interesting bumps and ridges. I'll assure you, Mom won't question a boy with tools and she won't ever smell them. I have an adjustable wrench with a round ridged handle grip and a knob on the end. Of course I don't use the wrench end, but who's going to question having one in my room. As for size, anything you can close your index finger tip to thumb tip around should fit nicely."

Obviously the handle needs a grippable flange or the tool-end needs to be long/thick enough to prevent the tool from getting stuck inside.

Later on the same page, another helpful tip that might work nicely as a plunger substitute:

"You know the packages of blank cds that come in the round tower things? Take off the cds and wrap the rod with plastic wrap to make it as thick as you want. After you are done you can remove the plastic wrap and put the cds back on and no one is the wiser. This is great because you sit on it and it wont get sucked up and it wont break unless you are really aggressive."
@25: You might be the most caring and open-minded parent I've ever heard if. Kudos to you.

@26: Pure genius. You are the soon-to-be-savior of all privacy-bereft teenagers.
My boner is good in all cases except when I smell cologne or hairspray or Lysol or any chemical stinky stuff. This is part of the sensitivity syndrome that is very real for about 15% of the population, but many people don't even know they have this sensitivity to toxic products. If you're having droopy boners even when you're young, you might consider what you've been exposed to at the time or shortly before.
another route I think would be good, going with another poster above suggestion of getting a toy that doesn't look like a toy, is getting a glass toy.
He likes hard rigid hands free toys (or maybe has not much choice in this). So an Artsy glass toy, that could be mistaken for a cool piece of glass, would throw off parents if discovered. And, glass toys are easy to clean and not porous, so won't spread "ass germs".

And explaining a broken plunger stick that had to be removed from one's ass, to the parents would be interesting.
No offense Dan, but your claim that "there's no such thing as 'act-specific ED'" is incorrect. Some men who experience ED of physiological origin can't get an erection in any situation. However, a large portion of ED sufferers experience highly situational ED. Some men can get an erection while masturbating but can't do so with a partner. Others can get an erection with some partners but not others (even when reporting a subjective sense of physical attraction). Still more can get an erection during some sex acts but not others, even if they enjoy the sex act in question.

One of the major reasons for this is performance anxiety and "spectatoring" (aka getting stuck in your head). You alluded to this a bit in your column, but I don't think you gave it quite enough attention. This guy could easily be fine receiving oral sex because there is no pressure on him in that situation to perform, but as soon as he starts to top he goes limp because he may well be worrying about his ability to pleasure his partner.

Depending on how long this has been happening, it's also possible that it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes men just don't get hard for whatever reason. If a guy experiences this once or twice, he may have a strong emotional reaction and start to worry about what will happen next time. So when the next time comes around, all he can think about is whether or not he will get hard and, surprise surprise, he doesn't get hard.

IF this is the problem, there are a number of things that can be done that may be helpful. For one, I would suggest that LIMP try reassuring his partner that their sex can be good and satisfying even if he doesn't get an erection. Take the pressure off. Also, consider seeing a sex therapist -- look for somebody who is AASECT certified or is actively pursuing AASECT certification, not just some random therapist who claims to practice sex therapy.
Another possibility for the guy who goes soft is that they just haven't been together long enough. I am a gay man with a HIGH libido but I am completely unable to perform sexually unless I am in a monogamous relationship with a man I trust and (gasp) love.

When I used to date a lot, I slept around a lot too, but it became a problem. After a year of this, I began explaining to my boyfriends that if they wanted to have sex, they'd have to be willing to wait until I felt connected to them. In the meantime, we rolled around and fooled around but it was generally non-sexual. Some guys thought this was charming. Most guys thought I was a freak and disappeared... no loss.

I'm in the 18th year of a great relationship now with no end in sight. Sex is fab.
I have to say I am always a bit curious when men proclain their heterosexuality, then write a letter to a gay sex columnist (or, at the very least, a sex columnist who happens to be gay) describing their love of objects inserted in their anus. My "scientific" poll, (scientific meaning my drunken guy friends at the bar), tells me that straight men really don't do this kind of thing and, that such acts are considered homosexual in nature. A few women I know admit to having men make such a request during intimacy, but they all came away thinking their partner was really gay. you really believe there are straight men who like things inserted up their nether regions? Or do we refer to them as "straight" with a wink and a nod, because respnding to them as they present themselves is more important?
I'm generally a top guy and I, at times, go flacid when fucking a very tight ass. Even though it feels great, the tightness just does me in at times.

I can usually remedy this by pulling out, doing other things for a while (jo, etc) and then going at it again, even if it means taking off the condom (and Dan's right, I hope you're wearing one) for a bit then grabbing a new one for another go round.
@37 The prostate is in fact one of the key erogenous zones in men. I'm female, but my boyfriend can certainly attest to this, as my fingering his prostate (or strapping on a dildo) is one of our favorite sex acts! So no, it's definitely not just gay men who enjoy anal sex.
And as echo4u demonstrates, there are in fact very sexually ignorant people reading this column, so thanks to Dan for including the "note to parents"!

Sexual orientation is based on the sex of the person you're attracted to, not on the acts you enjoy. The term sodomy actually includes both oral and anal sex, yet I'm betting that echo4u loves to get sodomized when it means he's getting a blowjob.

Dan has no problem telling someone who presents himself as "straight" that he's actually gay, if the person claiming to be straight is saying he likes to have sex with other guys. 'Cause THAT WHAT MAKES YOU GAY.

Also, either your drunken guy friends have very limited sexual horizons, or they know you're too narrow-minded and intolerant to handle the truth. The straight guys I know who are not homophobic love anal stimulation. Hetero guys have prostates too, y'know.
Ummmmmm.... Am I the only one who's a little skeptical of Dan's advice to ANUS. I mean, this kid's been doing this for 5 YEARS with only slight side effects. It doesn't sound like he's had too bad of an experiance with this. Only "trace bleeding" (although I'm not sure what that means)and a little bit of real bleeding.The only real danger is if he trips and gets his colon punctured like #11 said which is not very likley. If this was ACTUALLY dangerous, he would have already had a visit to the ER. Right?
@28, carrots work just fine especially because of the tapered head but of course they can break. These were among the first "tools" I used to break myself in. Only now, eons later, do I worry about what I would have done if one had broken inside of me (I was living at home with parents at the time)! Thank God it never happened.
@37 Are you retarded?

"Nether regions"?
"Thinking their partner was really gay"?
"...considered homosexual in nature"
"straight men don't do this kind of thing"

It seems clear that your sexuality is defined by your social circle, which is sad. To receive pleasure from stimulating your anus, you don't need to be imagining a throbbing cock. Ah fuck it, why do I bother? Yes, it makes you super gay. Don't ever touch your asshole except to wipe. If you do, and you happen to like it, you're gay.
it is not a good idea to stick a carrot up an orifice! even if you wash it, the carrot could still be coated with invisible bacteria, mold spores, or pesticides... YUCK!!! Get a good sex toy made of very sturdy glass or medical grade silicone!!!
Wow..seems I struck a nerve. Let's delve into this somemore. Note that I never made a vlaue judgement about homosexuality. Truth is, I could care less about a person's orientation. Yes, I am married and in a "traditional" relationship, but I value and respect others who find love, no matter what theior orientation.

Now...I wanted to engage in a dialogue on this topic. I have never, ever met a straight man who admitted to enjoying anal manipulation. I have never, ever, read a "hetero" sex column or read an article about straight men interested in the same (perhaps being an African American man, I am less likely to come across this in magazines that appeal to AA men). My only point was to ask whether or not these were men who were closeted, since such letters are seldome, if ever, written to advice columnist catering to hetero men or couples. I am a bit suprised at how angry the commenst were's free country. Just would be nice to have an honest, insult free exchange now and then.
I like the support that not all gay men require anal. Another sometimes issue my wife and I have is similar: people sometimes assume all lesbians have oral or strap-ons as a defining sex act. While I quite enjoy performing oral for my wife, I almost never like oral. I'm pretty comfortable with my parts and she has quite good skills with cunnilingus, but it just doesn't do it for me. And while we own a couple, neither of us is fond of strap-ons. Once in a while, yeah, but we both simply love each others' hand-skills far more.

Now, @ echo4u, here's some non-insulting conversation you wanted: When we DO use a strap-on, she likes vaginal and I like anal. But we both are attracted purely to women. Now, I know female sexuality may be stereotyped as more fluid than male, but from what I understand from LOTS of my confirmed-straight male peers, anal stimulation is good for them, too. Perhaps, because so many WILL think that a hetero male who likes anal is homosexual, they either A. Lie about it or B. Deny the pleasure to themself out of insecurity in their sexuality. Now insecurity doesn't necessarily mean that B is in fact gay. Just not sure. When first coming out, I acted on my insecurity by insulting any non-hetero (I'm SO sorry!), but a friend I know was insecure about her sexuality, so she dated a LOT of women, then later realizing she in fact loved men.

Not sure if that made any sense. I tend to ramble. Sorry.
Hi echo4u. I think the problem is that your experience is asking drunk guys in bars and the like. Many guys worry you (or others) would think they're gay. If you want some examples of straight advice columnists asked the question and straight columns addressing it, a simple Google search turns up many results, starting with the 2 below:…

I can tell you that some anal stimulation goes a long way toward making my orgasms much better. I love when my wife pegs me. But then again, if pressed, I'd identify as bisexual since I also love when guys fuck me up the ass. But Dan doesn't really buy that their are bi guys so I guess if I had to choose gay or straight I'd choose straight since I'm generally romantically attracted to women and I'm usually satisfied even when I only have straight sex for months at a time.
I've had act-specific ED for years. At some point in every penetration, there is a sensation that feels like my dick is breaking. That sensation has always made my dick go soft, even in my 20s. I thought that meant I was destined to be a Frot Warrior.

Instead, Viagra got invented. Suddenly, not even the sensation that my dick was about to break in half would make it go soft. Soon, I discovered that I could penetrate past the part that feels terrible, and last through the past that feels amazing. Then, with some successful experiences under my belt, I found I could minimize the dick-breaking sensation, figure out what techniques keep me hard, and talk about them with my partner.

So feed that boy some Viagra, get him used to enjoying boning you, and eventually he may not need it anymore.

Viagra. Sometimes I can't get hard to fuck my boyfriend, but I want to fuck him, I enjoy fucking him, and I have been fucking for over 25 years. A little blue pill takes care of whatever the problem is.

Oh come on, the first letter IS fake. Plain and simple. But more importantly, WTF is this:

"It could be, though, that your boyfriend is more of a bottom, i.e., prefers the receptive role during anal intercourse."

Who for the love of Jesus could possibly be reading a Dan Savage article without a complete understanding of the word "bottom" in this context? Seriously.

Not the best week, here...
amazing amazing, but it felt so short this week :(
I agree, Dan's response to LIMP is incorrect. I have a straight male buddy who can stay hard just fine for oral sex or jacking off, but he has never in his life been able to have intercourse without Viagra. He loves Viagra, because he loves intercourse, but he just can't stay hard without it.

Echo4u, I echo what others have said - yes there are straight men who like to put things up their butts. One of my ex-boyfriends is straight as can be, and not terribly comfortable telling me what he wanted, but after we explored a bit he was delighted to buy a butt plug. He has absolutely no interest in being sexual with men. He just likes how the butt plug feels.

If we're going on anecdotal evidence, then 100% of the straight males I know (and know about their proclivities) enjoy anal action of some sort. That's 100% out of one, but that's the problem with just asking your buddies.

I agree with the other commenter who said sometimes people lie because they are embarrassed. It also kinda depends where you live. Here in Seattle, its more acceptable for guys (white guys anyway) to explore their sexuality and their bodies.

And there are still tons of people who think that if you do one gay-ish thing, you must be gay. It's simply not true.
I'm a big fan of hiding things in plain view. Buy yourself a butt toy that looks like some kind of groovy sculpture. Bring it home, show your folks the art piece you bought from the funky new art gallery you visited, and then put it by your bedside.

One like this, perhaps.…
LIMP might be facing a different, simpler problem.

I take adderall pretty much daily, and if I'm messing around, I have no problem getting and staying hard while making out, with a little hand action, or even while getting head (an activity which, though pleasant, rarely gets me to climax). But the second I go for the vag, something happens. Either the distraction of trying to get it in, or a lack of distractions while concentrating on getting it in.... but in any case, no more erection.
This happens 99% of the time on the drugs, and 0% of the time off of them. I've heard similar (though not quite the same) issues from other guys on stimulants, and even with some antidepressants. The easy option is, if its a short-acting stimulant, just to plan around it and avoid taking the thing on "intimacy days" (though, this isn't always practical for the college-aged).

Or, as with most medication-induced issues, he can follow the advice of everyone above and take Viagra.

Or maybe he doesn't like buttfucking.
echo4u, by your reasoning liking cunnilingus would make me a dyke because it's a staple of lesbian sex.

I've pegged a fair number of boys at this point, and they all loved it. Do I think any of them were gay? Only two: the guy who refused to touch or look at me, and the ex boyfriend who was becoming increasingly distant so I read his diary (yeah, I know, but I was 18 and didn't know what else to do) and he'd written that he kinda wanted to try fucking dudes.

The others enjoyed the pegging as part of a good roll in the hay that also included some or all of the following: vaginal sex, cunnilingus, caressing, and EYE CONTACT. A gay dude might be able to get off on pegging if he strenuously pretends that it's another dude doing the job, but he's not going to stay hard while burying his face in my crotch or stroking my breasts or staring right into my face. You know why? Because gay dudes DON'T DIG NAKED CHICKS.

And African-American male culture seems VERY much about machismo and enforcing traditional gender roles, so it's not surprising that you're not hearing a lot about anal play in your usual social circles. Just sayin'.
LIMP's issue made me think that maybe his partner is having guilt issues about being gay.

Like, maybe oral sex is okay (in the boy's mind) because it's something straight people do, too, but anal sex has this huge gay stigma and it freaks him out. The kid's only 21; he might have just come out and is still processing some self-hatred.

Not saying this is DEFINITELY the case, but it's a thought.
@26 ...Brilliant. I hope Dan pays attention to this idea. I don't really have a need to be this sneaky, but now I just want to try it out if only to get a custom-shaped dildo. :)
There are tons of straight men who loved getting fucked in the ass - several hundred on alone - and then there are gay men like me who want nothing to do with it. Thank heaven for people like Dan who occasionally point this out, because there seems to be a continuing assumption from people - both male and female, both straight and gay - that if you're a gay man you automatically do it.

Oh and did I mention that most of my male friends who kiss me hello & goodbye are straight? Yeah, I don't get it either, but I think all you need to know is everyone's different. To each his bone!
@ #5 - Toolbox. Heh.
@26 is genius, and certainly a lot better than if somehow ANUS' parents managed to catch him in the act of riding the plunger.
Is ANUS featured on youtube? Just wondering.

Black male culture is so homophobic there is *no way* your friends would tell you they liked it, drunk or not. Why do you suppose there's the whole "down low" phenomenon?
Thanks Dan for your advice to BONED and LIMP. My boyfriend and I (We are 22 and live together) have been having the same problem- namely that I have absolutely no problem being aroused when I'm the receiving partner of anal. But when it comes to me being the top, about a third of the time I lose my erection- which makes us both pretty self conscious. I know he loves to bottom just as much as me so when I can't get it in right away (as we're reaching for the lube or something) and it goes soft, I feel really bad. I explain to him that it's not him, because it's definitely not, it's just that sometimes, I go soft. If I do get it in successfully I can maintain an erection, however if it slips out during the act, it can be hard to get it back in.

I appreciate reading that other couples experience this too. It helps a lot.
I'm concerned that no real solution was offered to LIMP. Many were offered to the soft BF, but LIMP mentioned that he needs anal penetration to get off - he's a bottom. I think they should incorporate a toy into their sex life, so that LIMP can get off, and the boyfriend doesn't feel pressure to perform until he's ready. Plus, this way the BF can attempt to penetrate, then they can switch to the toy when necessary, and work up to the point where he can stay hard while penetrating. Baby steps. Plus, this will keep the lines of communication open and help them be clear with eachother about what's going on.

@echo4u - I've had two boyfriends who enjoy anal stimulation. It's not the only thing they enjoyed, and it was something I was glad to do to further our mutual sex lives. Neither of them was or is gay, nor would I make that assumption about a man with these interests in the future.
Christ, just listened to #157. Did the woman with the crazy friend who was going to meet the homocidal maniac from Houston ever call back?? Please update us.
@ echo4u: If you've got a bunch of straight, drunk guys in a bar, and one of them says, "Only faggots like that anal stuff," and then a couple more chime in, "Yeah! faggots!" Do you really think the strong minority of other straight men around who like it, or would like it if they gave it a chance, are going to speak up and argue? Please. Your sampling sucks.

I'm a straight woman and my second serious boyfriend LOVED anal penetration. He'd sort of tried fooling around with men a bit, because getting fucked would be so much more convenient if the fucker had a real cock, but he just wasn't attracted to them. Fortunately for him, I really took to the harness and the silicone.

It was so much fun I suggested it to my subsequent had tried fingers on his own and liked it, but couldn't handle anything bigger. The other had never tried anything in his ass, but now he really likes fingers inside him during oral, and he says medium-sized toys make his orgasms different (we both like variety, so different is good). I am reasonably certain that neither of them is gay.

You should really try it, except that after the opinions you've expressed, your girlfriend/wife will probably think you're admitting to be a closet case...too bad for you.
I think what was missing the most in the LIMP advice is the fact that many gay men, especially younger, may not yet be comfortable with what they like. How many times do you know of a friend that starts dating some hot guy only to find out that both are bottoms (or, it seems rarely, tops)?

This happened in my first serious relationship because I couldn't accept what I liked better. This caused me nothing but anxiety trying to perform for a more experienced bottom (being early 20s with PE issues didn't help)!

I think every gay man likes to say they are versatile but really leans strongly in one direction. Or in my case, it is person-specific what role I prefer. Rarely have I met someone where we are equally versatile with each other.

Maybe it really is act-specific ED or an aversion to anal sex in general. But based on experience, I bet the BF may really like to bottom more and is just trying to please LIMP. I'm surprised Dan didn't play that angle more.

And I'm surprised that some commenters think that a couple can or should stay together if they like different sexual activities. Having sexual interests align may not be the only important thing in a successful partnering, but it sure seems pretty damn important to gay men I know.
With a little creativity, hiding sex toys isn't hard. When my mother helped me move, I wrapped my strap-on in a shopping bag and hid it in a box of sweaters, coats, and mittens (this was May). When mom went to unpack the box labeled "winter clothes" I said, "Don't worry about that one, I'm not going to unpack that 'til it gets cold." Problem solved, crisis averted!
Yep, ANUS is a fake. And a plagiarist, to boot. This was actually a question he lifted from fake letters printed by AskAmy.
Well, this will be my last word on this...I really gotta "move on" says the Mrs. A few points, I don't think that blacks are more homophobic than other groups-I think it is an "American thing" not a "black thing". Every gay person I have met or watched on tv talked about difficulties growing up in whatever community they came from. Black or white, being gay I imagine is an increadible burden to bear. We (blacks) coined the term "down low", but not the practice, all communities struggle with the gay stigma and many gay men hide their true feelings.

Now, the drunk friends comment was a bit "tongue in cheek", but people took it so literally. I have sent these links to several dozen people now (most of whom were not in a bar) and have gotten a ton of responses, some may even have posted here. I don't believe still, that most hetero men think about anal manipulation. Just doesn't cross our minds. Are their straight men who do? Perhaps, but they clearly represent a minority-a tiny minority. Interesting that many of the examples given to me were by bi men or women who had bi lovers. Nevertheless, variety is the spice of life and folks are free to do what makes them feel good. Still, when I read an article like the one that started this..I will still wink and nod. Bottom line is, my opinion will not and should not affect a person's behavior. Thanks to everyone who gave comments-this has been fun. Haven't been called "retarded" since i removed the heads off my sister's dolls :-)

"I don't think that blacks are more homophobic than other groups-I think it is an "American thing" not a "black thing"."

Quite possibly. But, as I said, it can't really be argued that black culture tends to focus way more on gender stereotypes, though. Manly, manly men; super-feminine women. You won't find the members of the band Weezer bragging that they've been to jail and/or been shot, is what I'm saying. And people's perception is that being penetrated is a girly act. Therefore, you're not gonna get a lot of black guys admitting that they're into it.

"I don't believe still, that most hetero men think about anal manipulation. Just doesn't cross our minds."

Of the guys whose asses I've plundered (and there have been MANY; I got into it almost 20 years ago at the request of my then-boyfriend), I'd say 10% already knew they loved it (either from solo experimentation or a previous gf), 50% wanted to try it because they heard it was pleasurable, and the rest had no particular opinion but tried it because I brought it up and they were open minded enough not to freak out at the idea.

"Interesting that many of the examples given to me were by bi men or women who had bi lovers."

My boys were all straight, with the probably exception of those two that I mentioned in my previous post. But it seems you're determined to ignore what I've said so you can go on believing your own theories.

"I don't believe still, that most hetero men think about anal manipulation. Just doesn't cross our minds."

Let me try to explain this in a way that might be easier for you to understand. It's not necessarily that a guy just woke up one day and randomly thought, "Y'know what'd be awesome? Wedging something into my colon!" (Although I have no doubt whatsoever that this does happen. Guys have a strong drive to experiment with stuff, and also to stick things into other things). A lot of guys are really erogenous at the OUTSIDE of the anus. So something brushes up against the hole by accident and it feels good. The guy is intrigued by this, so he (or his partner) brushes up against the area again on purpose and it still feels good and after a fair bit of experimentation maybe the guy starts wondering about going a little further with it.

No well-adjusted guy, gay or straight, is going to discover a part of his body that feels awesome and go "Huh, how 'bout that" and then NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN.

And there's no inherent reason why a gay guy would randomly want to stick things in himself and a straight guy would not. Curiosity is curiosity. Men like to mess with stuff. That's just how it is.
@ 56 - " dudes DON'T DIG NAKED CHICKS."

perversecowgirl, I think you've hit upon one of the very few truly universal truths.
Ok..I said it was my last comment and I should be in bed but...@72, gotta respond. You won't find Anthony Hamilton, Prince, Maxwell, etc., etc talking about going to jail and getting shot. You can hear any number of rock bands extolling the virtues of doing drugs, having unprotected sex, talking about "crazy bitches" and the like. There is a genre that exists in pop culture where such negativity exists. You might not find Weezer talking this nonsense, but have you listened to any Guns & Roses albums lately? Male society is "heterosexist" period. Yes, in inner city black culture you find a hieghtened sense of masculinity but have you never gone to working class white areas of new york? Boston? New Jersey? How about a trip to the South? There might be tolerence in Atlant, but take a venture out into the hinterlands of Georgia.

I am way too old to be in any way identify with gangsat rap and that culture. I grew up in the Earth Wind and Fire Days. My kids are growing up in a typical (although infused with black culture) middle class upbringing. I am guessing you are fairly young but trust group has cornered the market on this thing. Don't belive me? take a stroll through Boston or Alabama with a rainbow flag and, will see my point.

That's it. I'm going to bed
It's perhaps worth mentioning that if LIMP is having insertion problems, he could use a toy. Then you can get fucked and he won't have performance anxiety problems.
"Ok..I said it was my last comment and I should be in bed but...@72, gotta respond. You won't find Anthony Hamilton, Prince, Maxwell, etc., etc talking about going to jail and getting shot. You can hear any number of rock bands extolling the virtues of doing drugs, having unprotected sex, talking about "crazy bitches" and the like...Yes, in inner city black culture you find a hieghtened sense of masculinity but have you never gone to working class white areas of new york? Boston? New Jersey? How about a trip to the South?"

Excellent points. Of course, rock musicians, working class New Yorkers etc. are ALSO not likely to admit to liking anal play. You know, because of the whole "very strong sense of gender roles" thing I mentioned. So what you've said has absolutely no bearing on my argument, which is that cultures that enforce traditional gender roles are not going to freely discuss the idea of guys being penetrated because the concept has a "feminine" stigma to it.

And it's increasingly obvious--and HILARIOUS--that you're willfully ignoring everything else I've said because you can't logically refute it and you're determined to cling to your irrational beliefs.

Not that it will have even the slightest impact on your position, Ima have to side with EVERYONE who has responded to you. For someone who seems at least moderately intelligent, you are embracing your ignorance with disturbing tenacity. In what world does your social circle represent the opinions of the general public? You are exhibiting the egocentrism of a 3 year-old. You made a statement about your perception of social norms, the majority of people on this forum disagreed (thereby discrediting your contention that the majority sides with you), yet you maintain that you represent the majority.

I'm sorry that your concept of masculinity prevents you from enjoying something that the vast majority of men in my life delight in, regardless of their sexual orientation. But I am simply astounded that you refuse to submit to reason in this discussion. In the immortal words of Barney Frank, β€œTrying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.”

The thing to remember is that gay men and straight men don't have different anatomy. Their bodies are all basically the same.

Why do gay men do anal sex? Well, straight couples often spend a lot of time on vaginal sex, and everything else is "extra". But since that doesn't happen for gays (nor do they want it to happen), they focus on other things like oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage and anal sex.

There's nothing about being gay that makes a man automatically want something in his butt, or want to put it in somebody else's butt. They're just less likely to feel uncomfortable with it for peer pressure reasons, and are more willing to experiment. It's not as if there's some sort of differnt physiology. The prostate is in the same place for all men, regardless of sexual oriantation.
The last three straight guys that I dated liked me fucking them with a strap on. Many more of the straight guys I dated enjoyed a finger while I blew them. Oddly enough, the guy I dated in college who in fact came out of the closet after we broke up, never, not once, ever suggested assplay, neither giving nor receiving.
I have only ever been with straight guys, and easily half of them already knew they liked a finger in their ass. As Dan says, what makes it gay is when you want it from the same gender--none of the guys I was with wanted a GUY'S finger in their ass, so that's what makes it straight.
@ echo

"I have never, ever, read a "hetero" sex column or read an article about straight men interested in the same (perhaps being an African American man, I am less likely to come across this in magazines that appeal to AA men)."

If you are upset that people are saying that machismo and typical gender roles are sometimes more of a "black thing," then can I just ask for clarification on the quoted comment? Are you not claiming that it's (possibly) more unlikely to find mention of this in a magazine that appeals to African American men? Why?
Dan, have you forgotten about the Hitachi Magic Wand? The "muscle massager" that isn't overtly a sex toy and that anyone can easily purchase regardless of age. The kid could sit in the living room buzzing that thing against a "pulled neck muscle" right in front of his parents to give it some legitimate cover.
Dan, have you forgotten about the Hitachi Magic Wand? The "muscle massager" that isn't overtly a sex toy and that anyone can easily purchase regardless of age. The kid could sit in the living room buzzing that thing against a "pulled neck muscle" right in front of his parents to give it some legitimate cover.
I've got a similar problem to the guy in the second letter. I can't keep it up if I put a condom on. I don't mean I can't feel anything during penetration, so I go soft, I mean that the ACT of putting on a condom completely deflates me.

I listened to Sue Johanson's advice when I was young -- that condoms are one size fits all -- and ended up with a lot of bad, kind of painful condom experiences.

I have no problem keeping it up for any sort of sex, as long as it's bareback. Condoms set up a bad performance anxiety feedback loop, where I'm sure I'll get soft, so I put it on and I do. Fucking new partners is almost impossible. I can occasionally get it to work with someone that I've been with for a long time, but by then, we've usually made it to the bareback stage anyway.

A lot of people are talking about viagra; can you really get it prescribed for a non-physical ED? I mean, my issue is obviously psychosomatic.
@37: Successful Troll is successful.

On the off-chance that you're not just trolling, let's correct something: You've never met a straight man that ADMITTED to liking anal stimulation. On the other hand, the tone of your post indicates that you might have biases in this area and those biases may communicate themselves when you talk about it. Just a suggestion.

As for women thinking men who like anal stimulation are gay... those sound like pretty limited women. The kind who think that a guy wanting to fuck the woman's ass makes the guy gay or some such. Broaden your search, Echo4u.

Better yet, post an ad on CL to talk to someone about it (via e-mail or phone, perhaps) and see how many responses you get. Make sure to post locally, and you may be surprised by how many answers you get.
@21 Bottom could be a kink thing, too. I've described myself as top/bottom in a straight relationship, and I'm a girl.
Do *you* really believe that in this society a bunch of straight men will sit getting drunk with their bros in a bar and casually cop to loving anal?
You were right about your poll being non-scientific, but you forgot to mention silly.

And my non-scientific poll of girlfriends tells me that about 1 in 5 has had a boyfriend either request or respond REALLY well to anal, particularly combined with their standard blowjob.

This is thankfully on its way to becoming a dead issue, (though very, very slowly), because as the pressure on a guy to hide being gay dies, the puerile pleasure in this kind speculation will die too.
dan, the questions, acronyms, and your answers were informative, entertaining, and made our day very fruitful. thx, teresa and nat
This is a comment to the letter in the October,22/28th issue. Letter by ANUS.
"Please get yourself a toy" the blood could be because the plunger stick is going in too deep or it is probably because the stick is too hard on your sphincter muscle causing little tears.You are going to over time hurt yourself internally. There are toys that you can use that are safe and gets just as much stimulation as your plunger.
But, if not there is a plunger that you can buy probably at your local Walmart that has a curved handle-put a Condom on it "free from your local walk-in-clinic"and it already comes all lubed up. The plunger sucks nicely to the floor and it might have just enough bend in it to hit your "G" spot.
OH- if your mom's wondering where the new plunger came from give it to her as a gift so she doesn't question where it came from.
Oh! as for the cucumbers I hope you don't wash them and put the back in the fridge.
Let's hear it for sex toys safer than toilet plungers and cucumbers and enlightening otherwise 'You-will-burn-in-HELL-you-hedonist-sinner-get-out-of-our-house-NOW!' religiously fanatical parents.

Thanks again, Dan!
I, too, assumed the second letter came from a female.

To the above respondents: Women do too describe themselves as "bottoms" -- when they've been around enough to know the difference between "bottom" (one who likes it rough in the bedroom) and "submissive/slave" (onw who wishes to assume a subservient role in ALL aspects of the relationship).

Signed -- a straight female bottom
I, too, assumed the second letter came from a female.

To the above respondents: Women do too describe themselves as "bottoms" -- when they've been around enough to know the difference between "bottom" (one who likes it rough in the bedroom) and "submissive/slave" (onw who wishes to assume a subservient role in ALL aspects of the relationship).

Signed -- a straight female bottom

Please wait...

and remember to be decent to everyone
all of the time.

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