Did you ever stop to think that Casper the Friendly Ghost is actually a dead toddler? C'MON! There's no way Casper could've been more than 4 or 5 years old when he perished and became an adorable poltergeist. And what did he die of, anyway? Car crash? Abusive drunken father? My bet is leukemia. I'll tell you what: If I died of leukemia at age 4, I wouldn't be skipping around acting all friendly. I would be at YOUR house, howling like a banshee and scaring the poop directly into your pants.

Wait. Come to think of it, I'm starting to doubt that Casper is "friendly" at all. In fact, I think his so-called "friendliness" is actually a mask for behavior that is clearly passive-aggressive. Casper is super-pissed that he died of leukemia at such a young age and is therefore expressing his anger by pretending to be nice. That's why when he pops out of nowhere, and we soil our undergarments while screaming, "A g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!!" he can act like he's the victim and make US feel guilty for having a totally normal (i.e., horrified) reaction!

Look, Casper! I don't care if you did die of leukemia—YOU'RE A DICK! And if I happen to drop dead tomorrow following a cocaine-fueled seminude gladiator battle (a more distinct possibility than one would imagine), I sure as shit won't be mincing around the netherworld and boo-hooing, "Awww... nobody wants to be my fwiend." I'll be flying around Dick Cheney's mansion, unapologetically scaring the crap out of everyone, and banging the ghost of Farrah Fawcett on his desk! BOOYAH!!

Anyway, here are some ghostly specials debuting on TV this week. So eff you, Casper.

• Ghost Town (SyFy, Sat Oct 24, 9 pm). When unsuspecting teens (my favorite kind) take a wrong turn and wind up in a ghost town presided over by actual ghosts, horror and feces-splattered underpants ensue.

• Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio, Sat Oct 24, 10 pm). Tom Arnold, C. Thomas Howell, and other so-so celebs recall spooky encounters including coming face-to-face with the ghosts of their now-dead careers. OOH!

• Extreme Paranormal (A&E, Mon Oct 26, 10 pm). Three paranormal experts explore Pennhurst Insane Asylum, proving not only that ghosts exist but they are just as annoyed by nerds as the rest of us.

• Ghost Lab (DSC, Tues Oct 27, 10 pm). Two brothers travel the country looking for ghosts in their scientifically tricked out "ghost lab." BOOOOO! I wanted this show to be about scientists who capture ghosts and then dissect them. Or a ghost Labrador retriever. Whatever works.

• Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, Wed Oct 28, 10 pm). Okay, fine. This show about toddlers being forced to participate in whorish beauty pageants isn't about ghosts—YET. But it's only a matter of time before one of the pushy moms drives her daughter to death via suicide. Or leukemia. Whatever works. recommended

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Jim and Pam return from their honeymoon to discover Michael has a new—and decidedly icky—lover.

10:00 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR CHALLENGE

Debut! Contestants hop around like jumping beans in a competition that was cool... like what... in 2006?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

A flashback episode explaining how sexy Sierra was introduced to the Dollhouse.

10:00 USA WHITE COLLAR

Debut! A slick con man teams up with a straitlaced FBI agent to bust white-collar criminals and remind you of a thousand shows you've seen before.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 TRAV MOST TERRIFYING PLACES IN AMERICA

Includes haunted mansions, swamps, and my Uncle Jeff's windowless cargo van.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Betty and the kids take a trip, which means Don gets to bone the schoolmarm.

10:00 ANI WEREWOLVES: THE DARK SURVIVORS

A fake documentary that imagines if werewolves were real (and preferably hot, like they are in Twilight).

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Dan is alarmed (and aroused) by Olivia's on-screen sex scene.

11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

Special guest: Capt. Chesley Sullenberger. What? Did he save another plane?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN

A series of grisly murders convince the Peanuts gang to leave Linus in the pumpkin patch all night as bait.

10:00 SPIKE 2009 SCREAM AWARDS

Celebrating horror, comics, and sci-fi. Hosted by Quentin Tarantino, Tobey Maguire, and other nerds of note.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28

7:30 FOX WORLD SERIES GAME 1

For this they pre-empt Glee?!

8:00 NBC MONSTERS VS. ALIENS: MUTANT PUMPKINS FROM OUTER SPACE

The M vs. A characters return to take on aliens posing as jack-o'-lanterns in order to take over the earth. DICKS!