Columns Nov 26, 2009 at 4:00 am

Crossing Over


Dear Susiebook,

Re: "I wish that you hadn't suggested adoption to the pregnant lesbian, Dan. She wants to parent--when people say that they want to parent, brightly mentioning that they could have abortions or place their children for adoption is really disrespectful and shitty. The pregnancy seems unexpected but not unwanted--she has my congratulations."

1. "Parent" is not a verb. Or, it shouldn't be. Please, can't we go back to "raise kids," which sounds less like "office" as a verb and puts the emphasis on the right thing?

2. The reason people are so fucked-up about sex in the first place is because we can't talk like adults about options like adoption and abortion. They are options millions of people avail themselves of, with advantages and disadvantages. I'm frankly tired of saying "congratulations on the baby" when I know the child has a good chance of being as fucked-up as the parent.

3. The baby should be the first concern, not her desire to have the baby. If she's not in a situation where the baby can have a good upbringing, whether with one, two, or three parents, then she should either abort the child or give the baby up for adoption, closed or open.

4. I'm sure people will jump down my throat about this, but if she's not adult enough to go to her freaking OB-GYN after the SECOND pregnancy test, nor adult enough to have discussed this situation with her girlfriend and the father of the child, then she is also not adult enough to raise a baby. Why not wait to keep a baby until you can raise it maturely?

#65 and # 70, right on the money....# 80, of course, talk about it, maybe the gay friend will be flattered, but if he is as smart as he has already demonstrated,he'll let it go at many gay guys would give their proverbial left nut to fuck once with a straight boy..ask someone else to be your one time,not with a great friend who has told you how vulnerable he is to you...
I dislike the word "ambisexual" because it sounds a little to close to "ambiguous", which folks like me have a habit of being labeled already. I say I have bisexual preferences. More often I just say "I like boys AND girls!" If I'm in a safe, comfortable space, I say, "I'm just queer as HELL!" (comfortable like... the internet? ah, hell....)
I agree with my fellow commentors; SEFOG needs to be more delicate in handling his situation than your guidance instructs.

Your advice too generally ascribes the ability to separate sex from emotions to all men, without seeming to consider the fact that human beings come with varying emotional capacities. It took months before the gay friend was able to enjoy 1-1 time with SEFOG again, so some significant emotions were [and to some inevitable degree, still are] in play.
@102 - i'm as pro-choice as anyone but the writer stated in her letter that she's already missed two periods - she's fast closing in on a stage where it's not as "simple" to abort, ethically and/or medically.
hey Dan per your recent pod cast. the term is little person or dwarf, calling them a midget is as offensive as calling a black person the infamous N word. just thought you might like to know.
@92: I bet all the ladies love you for your vocabulary.
"I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way."

"He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience."

Hmmm, SEFOG is giving of a sort of bi-curious vibe, and by "bi-curious", I mean "closet case". He meets a gay guy, they hang out together and become BFF. The gay guy develops feelings and cuts off the private time with SEFOG. During that time SEFOG discovers sexual attraction to BFF. Gay guy deals with feelings and gets back together with SEFOG. SEFOG wants to have one-time, no-strings sex with gay buddy to get it out of his system. Yup, definitely "bi-curious".

Personally, if I were SEFOG, I'd tell the gay buddy I was attracted to him, BUT the friendship was too important to ruin with a fling.
@ 88,

Your ex-boyfriend had a big gay freak out. For 6 months the sex was his thing. His whole view of himself as straight just did a 180 degree shift. His entire life he probably believed he was "normal" and going to have a wife and kids in the 'burbs. 6 months of gay sex (and dating you) just proved he isn't straight. Hence, the dumping. He'll either deal with his sexuality and come out of the closet or he won't deal with it and marry some nice willfully blind beard and be "normal" and "straight" while occasionally sucking dick in airport bathroom stalls.

Sorry about your and your heartbreak. It sounds like you'll be putting some distance between yourself and him soon. Before you do you may want to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and face up to the truth: Gay sex was for him for 6 hot months and all the wives and kiddies in the 'burbs won't make him straight.
The OB/GYN don't normally do blood tests any more, unless there are developing health issues with the mother, like prenatal diabetes. They do a urine test EVERY time you go in (it tests for pregnancy using EXACTLY the same hormonal criteria as a store-bought test), and if that comes back with a diminishing level of progesterin, will do an abdominal or intra-vaginal ultrasound to determine viability.
Unless you actually come to the conclusion that you could love this guy [some of the commenters seem to be rooting for this] then I say don't do it. Don't even ask.

The most analogous thing I can liken it to is sex with an ex. Say you break up with someone, then try to be friends with that someone, and that someone has to try way harder because [s]he is in love with you. But eventually succeeds. Now you have that hard-won friendship. And this person starts looking good to you, and you're not finding anyone else to be with at the moment. Are you going to say, "hey, let's have NSA sex!"? This person is going to hope on some level that you really love him/her. And you will then break his/her heart. Your best friend's heart. Again. This sounds like a plan?

It's not NSA sex if one of you is in love. Two in love = ok. Two not in love = ok. One of you in love = no no no no no, don't do it. Not good. The only reason your best friend isn't in love with you [IF he isn't] is because he seriously gets that you aren't in love with him. You having sex with him for kicks -- are you going to kiss him? -- would send mixed signals, to put it mildly. No matter what kind of conversation you have ahead of time.
I (usually) love Dan's advice. In this case I totally agree with the posters who say the straight guy should absolutely not fuck with his friend's head. Not even in conversation. It's not even a gay/straight issue. It's just common sense and decency.
A hormonal imbalance could cause both a false positive on a pregnancy test and a missed period. Only going to a doctor and having an ultrasound would confirm if she's actually pregnant.
Average length of intercourse is 2-3 minutes, insertion to ejaculation. Since intercourse is often accompanied by so many other distractions, and because the length can vary considerably, most people don't realize this.
@19, you are aware that abstinence only sex ed is not at all the norm in the states?
A quick comment regarding SEFOG...

I have a few female friends who are essentially bisexual, but who self-identify as "lesbians whose soul mates turned out to be male".

They lead consensually non-monogamous lives, and their husbands are quite happy to let them have sex and relationships with woman (then tend to have "no other men" rules, though).

SEFOG sounds like he's in the same situation with the roles reversed. He's met this guy who has turned his usual orientation on its head. Well, maybe he's a straight guy who has met the one gay guy in the world with whom he can fall in love. Maybe they can make it work out long term, and SEFOG can go on being a straight guy with a male soul mate and sex partner.

Hey, maybe the whole thing will collapse in a crumpled heap, but I think it has to be worth a try. SEFOG seems to have a really good attitude, and I admire that.
SEFOG, come on, identify yourself please and tell us what you actually did!

    Please wait...

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