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1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
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As for your little problem?
3 magic lil words...
Voice type program. They do work these days, but you'll need a decent headset. Save the hands for what's really important, grin, and skip the typing already! You don't need to be able to type anymore to write! Technology is a beautiful thing!
Dan isn't advising this woman to cheat - he's advising her to NEGOTIATE. There's a big difference between saying 'sure - sneak around behind his back and hope he doesn't catch you', which is how you seem to be reading the advice, and 'ask him if you can reach a compromise that will allow you to explore your kinky aspects without guilt-tripping him into playing games he's not into.'
It's not exactly cheating if you have permission, you know?
I'd never even heard of BDSM in the 1980s, but yes, Oberlin needs a BDSM club, and maybe a Winter Term project. Bwahaha.
@9 who's bored in prairie country. Labeling you as a "whore" for not wanting to support yourself is a bit harsh, but I've supported myself for 25 years and was always terrified I'd end up w/someone that I couldn't leave for monetary reasons. Hence an obsession with employment. That way if I was with someone, I'd know that it was because I WANTED to be, not because I HAD to be. (Now I view this thinking as naive and unrealistic, even though I still follow it.) It's scary to break with tradition, but I wouldn't have done it any other way.
For all bored women with lackluster lovers, in this column and elsewhere. Have we considered medical issues such as depression, diabetes, heart problems, etc?
Having been in the position myself of having less libido than a partner, I can tell you that feeling pressured to put out on demand (and to "enjoy" it myself!) is a sex killer! Fear of further angering a chronically frustrated partner is NOT erotic. But, the fear is your problem, not your partner's. Once a relationship fell into this spiral, I could never get it back to where it had started... but that's my problem. Probably from dating too many 20 year olds in my 20s. A lot of men nowadays are more sophisticated and they can actually get past this problem by accepting what the other partner needs and then negotiating kindly but also firmly for their own needs. That kindness is so essential when asking for more sex from a (female?) partner.
For Dan's carpal tunnel, how about getting an "intern" who's willing to take dictation for you as part of a "service"? Get a slave for a month, heal your hands, and then take the other advice here about Dragons dictating and the other books. Maybe your intern can help set up Dragon and help you train the software.
Hah... if I weren't employed, I'd volunteer to sleep on your floor for a month, and get up to take dictation whenever you wanted, even at a bar. That would motivate you to heal since after a month you'd likely be weary of having a slave in your face or underfoot pretty much all the time. But Dan would probably prefer a guy.
I don't understand why some women complain about it, I actually love it when a guy comes quickly. I know logically it's just their biology, but I feel super sexy and like I'm a superstar in bed when guys come right away. As long as they don't roll over and go to bed and help me to get off as well, it's really an awesome thing.
The people who want to call you a whore or a gold digger won't be talked out of it, but I wanted to let you know not everyone agrees. I think if you're pulling your weight around the house and treating him with kindness and respect, there's nothing so terrible about hanging on a little longer until it's more advantageous for you to leave. You didn't marry him for his money, did you? You just found yourself out of love but kind of stuck. If divorce is inevitable, putting it off a while doesn't really change anything. Just be good to him now and generous with the settlement.
I don't think I can agree with cheating, though. Maybe get yourself a vibrator and some porn. There's LOTS of time for good sex later.
At the same time, if you're really unhappy in this situation now and want out as quickly as possible, then go. Don't let worries about money or education make you miserable. It'll all work out. Bottom line -- as long as you're not wildly deceiving him and are conscious of his needs, I think it's okay to do what you think is best for yourself.
Perhaps if people were encouraged to do what Dan so often advises us to do, and got out of mixed-libido relationships early on, before issues like co-finances and kids had reared their heads - the people like you wouldn't be insisting that getting out of a physcially unsatisfactory marriage made you into a bad person.
Because you sound an awful lot like the people who looked down their noses at me when I left a year-old realtionship because he went from once a week to 'not this month, honey, I have a headache'. Unless you've been there, you can have no idea how it hurts and confuses you, being constantly rejected by the partner who had told you he loved you, that you were beautiful, that he wanted you. You begin to doubt everything about yourself, and then question everything he's ever told you.
If we were able to agknowledge that a sexual mis-match was a serious issue, then we would have fewer couples in these situations, realising that every year it gets harder to leave. You can say that it's not important enough to break up a family with kids, but let me tell you, growing up with married-but-estranged parents, I wished every year from the age of 11 that they would divorce.
You can't dismiss another's pain as trivial. And sexual rejection is very, very painful. I think it is particularly so for women, because we tend to assume our partner's lack of sex-drive is because they are no longer attracted to US, whereas most men I've spoken to on the issue are more likely to recognise that it's more to do with their partner. Still a very difficult situation to be in.
Yes, sometimes sex is that important. Not just for itself, but also as a diagnostic tool that alerts our attention to the other weaknesses in the relationship. If your partner doesn't see you as attractive, then you can't help wondering if they perhaps also don't see you as funny, or clever, or any of the other qualities thet used to praise you for. If they won't stop watching re-runs on TV to snuggle, then you can see that you don't place a high priority on spending time with you. And if they won't touch you, then you're really just a flatmate, aren't you?
There's nothing wrong with taking money into consideration. Suppose you decide to stay with him, and that part of your reason for doing so is that he's a good provider. I doubt anyone would label you a "whore" for that.
Now suppose you make a straight-up whore play: you tell him that you're planning on leaving him once you graduate, but that you'll continue to perform your wifely duties if he continues to support you. Say he agrees to that. Then I don't think anyone (here) would have a problem with two consenting adults entering into a mutually beneficial arrangement.
The problem is that you aren't being up-front about your motivations to your husband. He's investing in your marriage, your education, and you with the expectation of future rewards: a dual income house, companionship, etc. Letting him think he's building something with you-- when you're planning on taking the money/degree and running-- is a huge con job. You aren't a prostitute; you're Madoff.
For the people that can't see why staying with him until graduation is a problem, try switching the sexes of the parties. Say you've got a husband who has two years left on his medical residency, and decides that he no longer loves his wife. However, she's currently working some crappy job to help cover their expenses, and they're living in a house that they rent from her parents (at below market rates, natch). He really doesn't want to move out of their house, find his own place, pay his own bills, do his own laundry, etc., so he decides to just stick with it until he gets out and starts making some real money. Then he can kick her to the curb. Also, since he's no longer feeling sexually fulfilled in their marriage, he may have casual sex with some cute nurses on the side.
Do you see the problem now?
Thank you, guys. I appreciate the constructive advice. I haven't been (and don't plan on) cheating on my husband; it was a thought I threw out there at the end of my post.
As an aside (though some won't believe me, but I don't care), like I said before, I'm not relying on him to pay for college. I saved up when I was working and paid for tuition, books, school supplies. I've got savings, but not enough to move out.
As anyone who has been through it knows, disentangling your life from someone you've been with for the better part of a decade because you have grown apart is not easy. I can't simply "leave and move out" because there isn't just me to think about. I am not a heartless "whore" as some have called me, though I can see where someone might get that. I do love my husband, but it isn't working anymore.
The children issue is a dealbreaker for me, and when that's added to the lack of physical and emotional intimacy (I could go on, but why bother?), it adds up to just knowing that we were right for each other when we got married (at 22 and 26), but we aren't now. I still love him, and I love my step-daughter, and I want to do this right to cause the least amount of hurt to her as possible. (She really is a great kid, which may be part of the reason I want more)
The reason I want to be more independent when the divorce does happen is so I don't have to ask for spousal support. It will be easier to separate our lives if, once we are apart, there's no further issues between us.
I know I took vows to love, honor, and cherish in good times and bad, better or for worse, etc., and that was not a lie when I said it. I am a kind, compassionate, and maybe a bit selfish person, but a gold digger is someone who only marries someone for his money. He didn't have a whole lot of money when I met / married him. I didn't marry him because he made enough money to support our small family on just his income. I married him because I loved the person he was: funny, smart, good dad, good friend. As anyone can tell you, when you're satisfied with your sex life, it's not a big deal. But when it's lacking, sex is a huge factor. Sex isn't the only reason I want out, but it feels big because it isn't there anymore.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice (good and harsh). It's given me a lot to think about and shown me that it's not the end of the world if things don't go according to plan. Thanks.
At that point, you're roommates who just so happen to share a bed.
If we accept that it's the choice of a man/woman who stays with an Honest Non-Monogamous Dude to accept his/her non-monogamy, isn't it only fair that we also say "if she got married to an older man who wasn't as 'sexually driven', nor as kinky, she chose to accept that". It has to depend on whether they were honest at the beginning. I can envision a scenario where she was dishonest about being okay with a lower-sex-drive man, rather than the man being dishonest about his sex drive.
If she married him, in full knowledge of his lack of sex drive, then she doesn't get to call foul now. She made her bed, literally, and gets to sleep in it. If he was an honest, monogamous, low-sex-drive man, and she said "that's fine by me", she's in the same boat as a woman who says "he's told me he has a higher sex drive than me, and wants to be non-monogamous, but I'll marry him anyway". The latter has to abide by the non-monogamy, the former has to abide by the monogamy and low-sex-drive.
If nothing changed over the course of their relationship, she's agreed to be monogamous to him, and doesn't have the right to expect any more sexual activity or kinkiness than way present before they got married.
Otherwise we're all being a bunch of hypocrites.
One can be a high-sex-drive monogamous person, one can be a low-sex-drive monogamous person, one can be a high-sex-drive non-monogamous person, one can be a low-sex-drive non-monogamous person. Even if I have a low sex drive, it doesn't mean I don't consider sexuality to be a defining part of a relationship. Hell, chances are I consider it even more special, since I don't do it that often. Ironically, the people who put less importance in sex are the ones likely to want enough sex that their partners don't need to be non-monogamous.
If I'm monogamous, and honest about my monogamy, my partner is agreeing to be monogamous (in the same way that if I'm non-monogamous and honest about it, my partner is agreeing to accept that). The difference, admittedly, is that monogamy (or, rather, monoamory) must be a two-way street. It's less necessarily about me not wanting to cheat, as it is about me not wanting to be cheated on.
You'd never suggest that an honest non-monogamous person simply accept monogamy to make the marriage work, and make his/her partner comfortable, but you're essentially suggesting that a monogamous person be forced to do the selfsame thing. Asking someone to change their stance on monogamy is the same thing, whether the change is from "yes" to "no" or from "no" to "yes".
Until you start telling non-monogamous partners that they need to rein in their desires to make their partners happy, stop saying "if you don't care about sex, just let your partner sleep around". Not having as much desire for sex isn't the same thing as not caring about it.
If my girlfriend cheated on me, or demanded that I allow her to sleep/fool around with with other men or women, I'd say no. Her demand that I allow her to be non-monogamous is no different from me taking someone who is non-monogamous and demanding that she be with me and only me.
If you are willing to create a human with someone, you owe it to that human to try your damnedest to resolve your issues with your partner. And when it comes down to it, married folks compromise over sex ALL THE TIME. In fact, the better a couple is at reaching workable compromises, the longer they will be happily married. It is quite possible to moderate your appetites and still have a satisfying sex life. P2EP can always get a vibrator and indulge every one of her kinks in the well-furnished and gorgeously peopled lands of her imagination. Nobody there has bad breath, diseases, or comes too quickly, and she can visit as often as she likes.
To P2EP - your husband should definitely have his testosterone checked. Surprisingly in my mid 30s, I lost my sex drive and energy. Turns out my testosterone was well below normal. Now I use a gel which has everything closer to normal and my sex drive and energy has returned. Would I prefer not to have to pick up testosterone gel at the pharmacy- you bet your kinky ass, but the alternative was a pretty miserable one. Get your husband in to the doc.
As Dan says frequently, there is no settling down without settling for, but 24 is very young to be shackling herself to a man who doesn't satisfy her for the next 70 years.
As far as their son is concerned, he will be fine. Plenty of parents split up when their children are too young to remember mom and dad when they were together. It doesn't have to be a "only see one parent every other weekend". If they split amicably, the kid won't be affected. It is far worse and damaging for a kid to be stuck in a home with parents who openly don't love each other and will not divorce "for the sake of the child". Split when he's young, and he will be OK. The younger the better.
I understand your point. I can even agree with the idea that she not shackle herself in an unsatisfactory marriage, but try to think about the reversed situation.
If this had been an honest non-monogamous woman complaining that her husband had "discovered" that he no longer had a high-enough libido for her, and that he didn't want her sleeping with anyone else, there would be a hue and cry to DTMFA.
If she began from the stance that she was okay with his low-libido and complete monogamy, there's no more right to "change" and expect him to abide by it than if he had been the one to change and expect her to abide by it.
I'm fine with saying "divorce, move on", but we can't really be trying to justify her unilaterally deciding that the sexual relations (which were once fine, and which she entered into the marriage agreeing to continue in perpetuity) are no longer okay, and that she thus gets to demand either more sex/kink, or to be allowed to cheat.
If they had began as a higher-sex-drive couple, and he went through changes to become less libidinous, would you really be okay with him saying "now we get less sex, and we're strictly monogamous now"? If not, what right does she have to demand either more sex, or for them to be non-monogamous?
http://www.youtube.com/suziecocktail
Your answers were great - jeez, how many times can you repeat the same advice to the same type of letter?!
You don't seem to be reading my comments in the spirit they were written.
Firstly, in the case of P2EP, I am not necessarily advocating a break-up, nor suggesting that she run off and cheat willy-nilly. What I actually said was 'Dan isn't advising this woman to cheat - he's advising her to NEGOTIATE.'
Negotiation can lead to many outcomes, but what it does first and foremost, is alert her partner to the fact that this is a serious issue that will not go away if he ignores it. By going to him and saying 'I have needs that are not being met, and it in important to me to have some degree of sexual fulfillment', she places the ball in his court. He might choose, if he wishes their relationship to remain monogamous, to step up his own efforts to a degree, rather than outsourcing the kink. I don't think it's putting him in an unfair position for her to ask, however.
So it's not a matter of her saying 'screw the relationship, forget the kid, I'm off chasing orgasms'. But the other point I touched on is that the lack of sexual compatibility is, for some couples, merely a symptom of deeper rot. This was certainly the case with my own family, and as I mentioned, I believe that all three of us would have been happier if my parents had agreed to part ways when it was financially viable (which it was by the time I was 10).
Having two parents who are married to each other is not a guarantee of a happy childhood or stable adulthood. I'm not saying that this is P2EP's situation, but the husband's casting himself as her moral superior (which is how his comment 'I'm not sexually driven' reads to me) surely isn't a healthy sign.
But if the relationship is to have a chance of success, I think they do need to have this conversation. Guilt and resentment are not happy bedfellows, and certainly aren't very good at parenting.
Oh, and if you can gain the physical excitement and emotional satisfaction of a good shag from your vibrator, I wish you'd tell me which brand you have!
;)
But, this being the new America, one dominated by 20 something shitheads who can't think past their next jerkoff session, we employ a pseudo psychologist like "Dr. Dan" to tell 'em hell yes, indulge your constant cravings, embrace the churn of desire, never say no, never look within. Wonderful. Shove the fucker in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger already you muggy cunts.
@102: That's okay - we don't like you either.
Relationships are not about pleasure 100% of the time, ferchrissake. Sometimes we have to TAKE CARE of our partners and shoulder the weight.
(Mind you, I'm pretty fat, however it sounds like this Lady don't care.....she just has an itch in the ass....!!0
The idea that all my partners should seek sex elsewhere horrifies me. What is interesting is that I am naturally polyamorous, and every relationship I have had, I have had to agree to be monogamous. It is easy for me to fall in love with another person while still being every bit as crazy about the person beforehand. If my partner was so unhappy, I would prefer they leave and even make up the worst lie ever to not tell me the truth. The more insecure I feel about my ability to perform, the lower my drive to do so. If I were in love with a person who told me that I did not cut it and they wanted to look elsewhere while still keeping me as their emotional crutch, I would (besides being furious) be extremely hurt. I agree to monogamy because I believe the person on the other side of the relationship is worth not hurting. I would hope to receive the same consideration.
Take a spoon-ful of cement and harden the f*ck up!!!!!!
Just joshin - wishing you and your wrist all the best - maybe there's a gyno you can go see to get it attended to, since it's one of your sex organs?
The reason people are calling you a whore is that in marriage there is an understanding that any economic support is in the context of a loving relationship. If you really don't love your husband, then it's not right to take his money. However...
It's possible that deep down you do still love your husband, but you are not being at all understanding of his medical condition. He's SICK! How would you like it if you got sick and all your husband did was complain about your sex life going downhill? Why don't you focus on emotionally supporting him through his illness, making sure he stays on top of the doctors and does what he can to recover, and THEN worry about your sex life together? A temporary period of abstinence is not going to kill you. In the meantime, you can focus on trying to build the emotional bond that obviously you once had but is now suffering. You do that by spending time together and meeting each other's needs. Obviously since he's sick your sexual needs will have to wait, but just remind yourself that it's temporary.
And it wouldn't hurt for you to educate yourself about his illness so you won't be so insensitive and selfish.
Why not just train your husband better? Tell him you require both foreplay and afterplay. Ask him to use a toy on you. Intercourse is not the end-all, be-all and as long as he gets you off, who cares if intercourse itself only lasts 10, 5 or even 2 minutes? Give him a chance before you give up and turn to other men.
Until quite recently marriage was about economics, not love for most people. In the current recession economics is again more important than love or sex for a lot of people.
yes, he is willing to try kink, but he also says that people that are kinky "have something wrong with them" or "had something bad happen in their lives". im not going to force him to be kinky with me so that i can have this desire met.
also, yes, in terms of sex "all i can think about is" getting satisfied other places.
i love my husband, i love my baby. that's not in question here.
this was a letter about sex, to get advice about sex. forgive me if i don't include a full history of how much i care for my child and how much i love my husband lmao.
p.s. yes im young =) and my husband and i dont plan on getting divorced anytime soon.
he make more money than i do, but i could successfully support myself and my child by myself. so no, im not some fucking clueless "still 19 year old" who sits at home thinking money just magically appears in our checking account.
dont assume that every young woman who has a high sex drive is some fat, ignorant, money leeching fool or some variation of that.
you sound like youre speaking from experience... your own PERSONAL experience. turns out, our lives arent at all the same =)
P.S. Having suffered for years from undiagnosed depression, you might want to have your husband checked out. It could explain his unresponsiveness to your needs.
Shortage of Doms.
The ratio of Doms to subs might be close to the ratio of gay to straight.
But the good part for straights and gays is gays seek other gays, straights seek other straights.
So goody for them.
Subs need Doms and the only way for there to be enough, sometimes the sub has to put on the latex and swing the whip.
Yes, I am sometimes a Dom, when I'm ordered to be.
I'm asexual myself, so you aren't going to see me hooking up with any straight or gay people that need more sex in their life. I think one's orientation and libido is something that definitely needs to be discussed before entering a relationship, otherwise both can lose.
And having a low libido does not necessarily mean a person is asexual, any more than does being asexual mean you have a low libido. Frankly, I'm tired of seeing everyone equate low libido with asexuality. Yes, you can be both, but they are not the same thing. I'm asexual, and I don't have a low libido, thank you very much. I do agree that no one should be castigated for having a low libido, however.
BTW, I love my wife, we have a good relationship and many common traits and likes, AND I'm terribly sexually frustrated due to her low interest in sex. I'm also a divorce lawyer, and I deal with failed relationships all the time.
BTW, I love my wife, we have a good relationship and many common traits and likes, AND I'm terribly sexually frustrated due to her low interest in sex. I'm also a divorce lawyer, and I deal with failed relationships all the time.
Someone once said that "women's virtue is man's greatest invention". Most guys think of women as classy and lady-like, but as we see, women's true nature is very far from this. Look at the way women talk and think - like swaggering, horny alpha males - very classless, crude, unladylike and macho. I'm convinced feminism didn't create this but simply removed all restrictions from women thus unleashing their true hardwired nature, which is to be like the alpha males they lust for.
Once again, women are not men, we are biological opposites, and women should not be aspiring towards the same sexual goals and lifestyle horny young men usually do. Women's sexual prime should be spent bearing and raising healthy children within monogamous relationships.
No, you can't, by definition "kinky" is sexual.
Yes, which is why your husband should've never married you and no man should ever give you a relationship, you should just be used like the cheap blow-up doll you wish to be.
Why any man gets married or even has relationships with women in this day and age is beyond me. They are only good for no-strings sex. I would never want the mother of my kids to be some dirty skank - no boy child especially wants his mom to be that - it's humiliating.
I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM ... all I can think about is getting fucked by some stranger with no strings attached ...
Someone once said that "women's virtue is man's greatest invention". Most guys think of women as classy and lady-like, but as we see, women's true nature is very far from this. Look at the way women talk and think - like swaggering, horny alpha males - very classless, crude, unladylike and macho. I'm convinced feminism didn't create this but simply removed all restrictions from women thus unleashing their true hardwired nature, which is to be like the alpha males they lust for.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my "sexual prime" because my husband already experienced his...
Once again, women are not men, we are biological opposites, and women should not be aspiring towards the same sexual goals and lifestyle horny young men usually do. Women's sexual prime should be spent bearing and raising healthy children within monogamous relationships.
I can seek out kinky play with others without it being sexual.
No, you can't, by definition "kinky" is sexual.
being monogamous is a mistake...
Yes, which is why your husband should've never married you and no man should ever give you a relationship, you should just be used like the cheap blow-up doll you wish to be. Why any man gets married or even has relationships with women in this day and age is beyond me. They are only good for no-strings sex. I would never want the mother of my kids to be some dirty skank - no boy child especially wants his mom to be that - it's humiliating.
Takes a bit of getting used to, but you can spew the words out real quick.
I still touch things up with the keyboard afterwards. But there are people so skilled they never touch the mouse or keyboard.
Cheers
Anthony
Please don't take any of the following personally- being blunt is just faster.
Have you talked to your husband about this at all, or have you been stewing about it, torturing yourself with the idea that he doesn't love you? I know from experience that it is sometimes easier to wallow in self-pity about a perceived problem in your relationship than to get the courage to ask your partner about it and potentially have your fears confirmed.
But it is absolutely essential that you ask him directly about this and hear what he has to say. It could turn out to be something completely different or unexpected- you said you're in school and taking on a lot of household responsibilities, which is probably making you a little too busy and self-centered to objectively analyze the situation. Or he could tell you exactly what you fear. Either way, how could it be worse than the anguish and uncertainty you are living with now?
True, but it's less often referenced, so it's easy to forget about. Thanks. :)
I have talked to my husband about it, but he hasn't been very receptive. As another poster pointed out, the country is in a recession, and the stress of supporting our family by himself isn't helped when I have been unable to find a professional (full-time) job and he's worried about his job. I have backed off the issue for the past few months, but it's just a whitewash right now. It's not going to go away just because we aren't talking about it, but now isn't the time to discuss my emotional and sexual needs being unfulfilled when our basic needs could be threatened. So thank you all for your helpful (and some not-so-helpful) advice. I will talk to him about my feelings again at a time when he is less stressed out about his job and our finances (probably sometime during his PTO he has coming).
I know it sounds like I am a leech, moocher, deadbeat, whatever, but if you (directed to the ones thinking that about me) look around, you'll see plenty of couples where situations are similar, you just don't know all the facts. I'm not offended. I knew what I was getting into when I posted my comment asking for help. I'm not new to SLOG. However, to call me a whore is inappropriate, because whores have sex for payment. If I'm not having sex (which was my issue), how can I be a whore?
I do love my family. Like all families, we have our issues (I know he's got his own issues with me, as well). I'm just not sure if our relationship is strong enough to get us past our issues, to help us through them so they can be addressed and corrected and we can come out the other side stronger.
i think savage love should have a dating service of some sort... a way for Savage love readers to connect with other savage love readers beyond the seattle area.
oh and if DYKES wants to email me... she should.
I just wanted to let you know that we're out there. I'm a 21 year old bi girl from a lib-arts school in the North East, and I always always always make the first move. I'm also a total dom in bed, but am sweet and accommodating otherwise (kind of the opposite of you). Sorry sex hasn't worked out as well as you would have liked (it's probs cause you've never had sex with me, *wink*). I just wanted to give you some hope. We're around, more numerous than you would imagine, just waiting for our paths to cross with yours.
Re: possible carpal tunnel: ART is not for everyone. More is not better, especially when we're talking about pressure. I would suggest starting with a licensed massage therapist who specializes in trigger point therapy. An alternative is to see either a pain specialist who does "dry needling" (the precursor to trigger point therapy) or an acupuncturist and massage therapist who can co-ordinate your treatment.
I've been a massage therapist for 10 yrs. and a massage therapy instructor for nearly 3 yrs. Start with a more gentle approach. You can always get more aggressive as the treatments progresses, but once the therapis has caused pain, you can't take that back.
Women don't try to be like men. Women try to be...women. And apparently, men (or just you) have a problem with it.
I looked at the link you provided which just went to cement the conclusion I'd already had in my head: the Bible is NOT the "literal word of God" as some would have us believe. It's been written by people (uncontested FACT), and therefore, is open to interpretation. Anyone taking what is said in any part of the Bible literally and as unmitigated truth is free to think that way. I am free to believe people who think that way are wrong, but to each her / his own, right? :)
Who am I to take away their imaginary friends?
Hope you feel better soon!
Eh. My issue with that is that the "he can pleasure her in ways aside from straight sex" is contrary to the advice Dan gives in the opposite scenario. When it's a high-sex-drive man with a low-sex-drive woman, the advice is that the woman "allow" him to eat her out, or "deign" to sit on his face, and "let" him jerk off. I'll advice P2EP to ask her husband for more direct stimulation when Dan advises women to give more blowjobs/handjobs to their higher-sex-drive husbands. He suggests they dress up for their husbands, or act as models for them to jerk themselves off, or that allowing their man to go down on them is sufficient.
Here's what Dan's advice should have been (if he were consistent):
P2EP should take the pressure off of sex, and masturbate more frequently. Ask to be able to play with her husband's dick, and finger herself. Ask to be able to suck him off, and finger herself. Ask him to dress up for her, and allow her to finger herself.
We should be fair and equitable in our advice. If we'd never accept saying to a woman "eh, giving me a blowjob should be enough for you, right?" Then why do we advise women to say "eh, eating me out should be enough for you, right?"
Women and their alpha male bad boys (matriarchal polygny) are taking us back to a destabilized, savage pre-civilized era way before the 1950's. Civilization and stability was the result of patriarchal monogamy (via the major religions) and its triumph over matriarchy. Since the sexual revolution the West has steadily returned to matriarchy and the decivilization of our hominid past.
Reed -- yep, I can either be a baby machine or I can be a blowup doll. There are no other options! Woe!
Women don't try to be like men. Women try to be...women. And apparently, men (or just you) have a problem with it.
Yep, without birth control and abortion (medical technology invented by men - like all other technology) women naturally have no other options, and humans are still hardwired to see and feel the situation this way (madonna/whore). So I guess in a sense we men have ourselves to blame, but I bet few men at the dawn of the sexual revolution truly understood the true nature of women (all whore, no madonna) as has been revealed since. But tis better to know the truth - and avoid marriage and committed relationships - and simply accept and use women for what they are (and really, always have been). Nice guys need to wake up and avoid being the sucker who invests time/money in sluts who bad boys use for free, and instead get some Game and learn how to use women for free also.
In some of your subsequent posts, you have indicated that you do love your husband and are simply not sure if the two of you can work out your issues. If this is the case, I would encourage you to make active efforts to discover whether or not your relationship has a chance. Please, do this now. Don't use excuses to put it off and thereby rob both your husband and yourself of time that could be invested in finding a relationship that can work.
However, in your first post you indicate that the only reason you were staying with your husband was money. You are in school, unemployed, and don't want to move home. You said that you would leave him in a heart-beat if these money problems weren't around, and you asked if you should stick it out until you aren't in school anymore. If you are really asking if you should have your husband support you until you aren't in school, at which time you would leave him, then I really need to ask you if you think he would be willing to support you if he knew you were going to leave him at the end of it. If the answer is yes, then you should be asking his opinion, not ours. If the answer is no, then your actions would, in effect, be stealing both his money and precious time. It's one thing if you simply aren't sure if you can work things out, but if you believe that you can't be with him for the long haul, then it isn't fair to pretend otherwise so that he will support you. After all, would you be ok if the situations was reversed and you spent years supporting someone who had only been with you so they could take your money? I don't think you would or should be.
As you have said in other posts, we don't know your situation. I'm sure it's more complex than anything you can write up for a comment on a blog. However, I have seen what it did to my mother when my father left her after she had spent much of her adult life supporting him and his goals. It hurt her and made her feel foolish and used to have invested so much him because she though they were a team, only to have him abandon her and refuse to acknowledge her sacrifices for what they were. My mother's life has been permanently altered because she spent her time supporting her husband rather than using that time and energy on herself. Please, don't do such a thing to your husband.
I hope you're feeling better soon. Keep up the excellent writing and advising!!
And, as far as your assertion about technology: http://www.enchantedlearning.com/invento… , http://staff.lib.muohio.edu/shocker/FemI… , http://invention.smithsonian.org/centerp… , need I go on?...
If you ever move to the Northeast, look me up....
you come across to me like a sexual ragging and rampant rabbit, lol beffiting your nickname :)
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filipinaheart