Happy New Year, everybody! Now that I've got that out of the way... WTF, you?!? Is it just my imagination, or are you actually just sitting on your ham while one of the greatest atrocities in the history of humankind is being perpetrated under your nose? (And yes, as a matter of fact, this atrocity is worse than the great snowstorm of 1997 that knocked out my cable for two solid weeks.) In fact, this atrocity is SO atrocious, it makes Darfur look like a trip to the cotton-candy factory. (Look... I know cotton candy isn't made in a factory... JESUS! WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME?? THANK YOU!!!)

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah! ATROCITY! YOU! JUST SITTING THERE! And I'd like to know WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT IT??

Really? You're going to play the ignorant card? You're going to pretend you had NO IDEA of the atrocity being committed on TV this week? What's wrong with you? Don't you read Television Industry Insider Quarterly? (Note to employers: NOW do you see why I keep insisting you need me?)

Okay, fine. I'm happy to explain what should be OBVIOUS to anyone possessing a modicum of interest in the world around them. There's a television show (EVER HEARD OF ONE OF THOSE?) coming on this week that far exceeds the bounds of both morality and intelligence, and it's entitled Conveyor Belt of Love (ABC, Mon Jan 4, 10 pm).

What's a Conveyor Belt of Love? Here's the recipe: Take one gaggle of miniskirt-wearing skanks. Sit them in front of a giant conveyor belt that's loaded up with an assortment of knuckle-dragging men. As each man passes, the women can either reject or accept him. If accepted, he hops off the belt and accompanies a skank on a date. The two instantly fall in love, swap genital herpes, and get married. Within 30 seconds, they're divorced and on to another reality show in hopes of finding someone new who hasn't been infected with their particular brand of herp.

The end and HELLO, ATROCITY!!

"Hold on there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you croak, sitting on your voluminous ham and refusing to do anything about this obvious atrocity. "How exactly is this an 'obvious atrocity'?" Ummm... because it's human beings on a conveyor belt? Imagine if we were talking about anything other than a bunch of doofus guys. Any problem with Jews on a conveyor belt? Any problem with blacks on a conveyor belt, or women for that matter? If those were chickens, PETA would be crapping in their sweatshop-free vegan underpants!

But here's the worst part! I LOATHE the steroid-addled meatheads that populate these shows. In fact, it would be both fine and dandy with me if they were all strapped to the business end of a whirring circular saw while being repeatedly kicked in the face by a methamphetamine-addled donkey. AND YET? Because YOU are not doing your job by being suitably OUTRAGED by this obvious ATROCITY, I have to be outraged for you!

So call your congressperson! Call the UN! Dial 911! Panic, goddamn you! I said, "PANIC!!" (Omigod, I'm exhausted. Scoot your ham over. I'm officially off "atrocity duty.") recommended