"Don't Blow This, Mike," blares the headline for DOMINIC HOLDEN's screed in this week's news sectionâand, regrettably, we all know what disgusting behavior he is alluding to. Apparently there is now a fantasy lover's tiff occurring in the fantasy love affair that Mr. Holden has (dementedly, disgustingly) been conducting inside his brain with the new mayor of this doomed city, Mike McGinn.
It was more than enough to watch Mr. Holden give unfortunate voice to this insanity by attempting to woo Mr. McGinn during the primary and general elections with encomiums to the mayor-to-be's "bearish" appearance (a "bear," I am unhappy to inform you, is apparently a hirsute subspecies of homosexual) and, when that failed, chattering on and on about the, shall we say, historic nature of his staff. Filthy, subhuman, and worthy of a restraining order, no doubt. But also somewhat tolerable in the sense that all of usâby which I mean myself and the panel of 14 specialists I convened to study Mr. Holden's behavior for any signs of potential threat to public safety and/or the profitability of Steen Industriesâall of us believed that this crush-turned-obsession-turned-imaginary-homosexual-love-affair would fade as it became ever more obvious to Mr. Holden that his ardor was not only unrequited but also unholy, unhealthy, and unstable.
We seem to have underestimated Mr. Holden's capacity for self-delusion and are now faced with a situation in which he is using the news section to publicly announce his intent to withhold (imaginary) homosexual sex from his (imaginary) boyfriend because of (imaginary) slights which could not have occurred because Mr. McGinn (who I wish were imaginary) is, according to my investigators, happily married and living in the Greenwood withâpay close attention, Mr. Holdenâa wife and three children. Ladies and gentlemen, I am of course quite familiar with the unpredictable tantrums that can be thrown by a feminine heart when it is beset by irrational lust for a powerful man, and so even though I am thoroughly disgusted by all that Mr. Holden's attraction implies, I did attempt recently to nip this obsession in the bursting bud by dropping my McGinn file (impressive wife photos and all) on his desk. The response, unfortunately, was a variation on this week's headlineâa variation that, in a hostile manner, encouraged yours truly to do that which Mr. Holden is now telling Mr. McGinn he should not do until they make up.
Which, as I informed Mr. Holden, shall never happen so long as I have teeth in these gums and powder in my pistol. What does need to happen, I can clearly see now, is something more drastic. I shall speak to the authorities about next steps this week. In the meantime, please look away from this sexual-harassment suit in the making.
While doing so, please also look away from SARAH ANNE LLOYD's slanderous accusations against my alligator-hunting companion, Kemper Freeman Jr. The man knows what's best for Bellevue, young lady. You, on the other hand, have clearly never left Capitol Hill and wouldn't have the bus fare to do so if you wished. Also please look away from pages 1 through 4, 6 through 60, 61 through 70, and 71 through 75.
