Dear Science,

It drives me bonkers when vegetarians make a HUGE deal out of how if one tiny morsel of bacon or one drop of chicken broth enters their system, it would make them instantly vomit all over the place because "Yeahhhh, I can't digest that because my body doesn't produce those enzymes anymore, sooo..." They're full of shit, right? Surely it takes more than, say, four years of vegetarianism to FUCKING CHANGE HUMAN EVOLUTION. Right? Surely if they do get sick, it's psychosomatic. Surely they're just looking for something to yap about. I feel the same way about 50 percent of the people who claim to be lactose intolerant.

Obviously, I could be completely wrong, but this is my gut feeling. I no longer have the enzymes in my gut to digest these people's horrible yapping. JUST EAT A CHICKEN IF YOU WANT TO EAT A CHICKEN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR BODY IF YOU CAN'T DIGEST SOME FUCKING PROTEIN AND FAT? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Omnivore Pride!

The vegetarian lament is half true: People who have not eaten meat for years (and I mean years—make that decades of not eating meat) really do lose the ability to digest it properly. So bloating and maybe some diarrhea and really stinky farts are all part of the punishment (or reward) for slipping up. Not barfing, however.

What's changed in your vegetarian nemeses/friends isn't human evolution, it's the mix of bacteria in the gut. A goodly chunk of human digestion is actually done by the bugs that live happily within us. When someone stops eating meat (for decades), that person loses the meat-digesting bacteria; the bacteria starve. Then that person farts and poops liquid when he or she eats meat.

People can regain these bacteria if they restart eating meat. How? By kissing. Hence moms kissing their kids: to give bacteria (and love, I suppose). Another means is by people not washing their hands after pooping. (If you want poop bacteria, eat poop. Just make sure it's HEALTHY poop. And only a little bit at a time.)

This is also one idea about why people are becoming more obese really rapidly. There is a "genetic" component. Some of that is the bacteria you inherited from your family. If they're really efficient digesters, you eat a little and absorb a lot of energy (and become unfairly fat). If you were endowed with bacteria crappy at digesting, you can eat ice cream for dinner and stay skinny. (And probably pack awful-smelling farts. Think of that when you see a picture of a supermodel.)

So vegetarians kissing omnivores makes the world a better digesting place. (Let's not discuss sex acts between vegetarians and carnivores that aid the transition back to meat eating.)

Floraly Yours,


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