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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Definitely very tough situation. But get away. Black eyes are only the beginning.
Now we can read all the comments from the people who think everything is all your fault.
Mr. Bret Gillete? Anyone?
If you stay you may think things are fine until *snap* and then it's too late. You see the signs, enough to write to The Stranger about it. So run away, don't walk, don't let yourself be tempted, just get out.
There is only one situation I can think of right now where someone should let the abuser stay(that's right, don't walk, make them leave with a restraining order), and thats if the abuser not only starts some kind of therapy but makes a full confession making no excuses for his behavior to his family and friends as well as yours, and enlists them to help you feel supported by them. Abuse is not just a problem between the couple, the courts, and their therapist, it is a community problem and people need to respond in a communal way to fucking stop it.
Don't listen to all the shitbags who haven't been in the situation you're in. It's hard to leave someone like that and you lose a lot of good things. But what you gain is more than worth it. Good luck.
I'm all for rehabilitation. But it doesn't work if he has what he wants without repercussions. So, he gave you two black eyes. Get a restraining order, kick his ass out, and then after a year's worth of serious work and therapy on his part (though you could use some too) re-evaluate his mental state. But after what he did to you, you must have distance. going thru the motions is bullshit... and that's all he's doing if you're letting him stay. don't be an enabler.
I suspect some are more like drunks or crackheads, overcome with the itch to use.
And that can make it so tricky....
How can the man who loves, honours and values you so much, get off on hurting and debasing you so much?
I think I'm a bit like you, and I seem to have a partner a bit like that.
The 2% is always lurking on the periphery.
When stuff is good, I just take out my magic eraser and tell myself that the bad bit isn't quite so real.
But here is the deal (for me, anyway): As I have developed the courage to stand strong, I have found the ugliness so much less tolerable. Additionally, I have realized that I can only change myself, and not him.
His ability or willingness to change is secondary.
My self-worth and determination to live well, THAT is primary.
Whether or not you think he'll do it again is not relevant.
Why you decide to stay, is.
As for poor # 19, if you can identify him, SOMEONE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, give him some warm milk and a frontal lobotomy!
The high blood pressure, loneliness, stress and addiction to internet porn, (not to mention the immense sadness) are surely killing him slowly.
Please, please run. The fact that he's assuming "full responsibility" for his actions and being emotionally supportive? You have to recognize that's part of the old textbook cycle of abuse. Trying to destroy your self-esteem or relationship with others, that's just one tactic abusers use to control their partners. It's far from the only tactic.
I'm not saying he'll always be an abuser, but it won't stop until he's really forced to own up to what he's doing. And the only way he'll do that is by losing you.
You say that you don't believe him when he says he won't do it again. Even if he doesn't, that kind of stress is not something you need to carry with you. Sometimes, you have to follow your head instead of your heart. End it now.
That violent side of his will always be there. He may be able to restrain it most of the time, but it is never going away. It is part of who he is.
Normal men do not have a desire to beat up women in the first place. It's not a question of restraining or managing a desire to beat up women.
As another commenter said, there are plenty of men who have all of the same positive qualities without the barely restrained desire to beat the shit out of someone.
So now he's broken you. You set boundaries, he's pushed them, and you haven't walked. What next? Probably escalation. Bet your empowered ass that next time will indeed come, and it won't just be black eyes.
Walk don't run.
RUN, don't walk.
He is abusive, the good is to make you stay, and regardless of whether he wants to change, you can't stay with him the way he is now. Break it off, and if you really, truly believe he is dedicated to changing and really, truly feel you need to help him on that journey, do it from a safe place--outside of a romantic relationship. Do not put yourself in a position of vulnerability where he could attack you again, and enlist friends or family in the situation, not just to help him, but also to watch for signs of emotional abuse or manipulation--because make no mistake, whether it's intentional on his part or not, manipulation is what all that niceness and supportiveness and Being A Great Guy is.
As several other people have said, read your letter objectively, and pretend it was sent by an acquaintance or stranger. What advice would you, as an empowered woman, give then?
And they're right. There is no amount of emotional cheerleading that makes up for the fact that he GAVE YOU TWO BLACK EYES.
MAYBE he can overcome his anger-management issues. MAYBE he can learn to control his temper. But maybe you deserve better than to serve as his punching bag until that day comes.
But I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that even after the NEXT time he hits her, she stays. Because he's such a swell guy.
We women are such morons...
He may be intelligent, loving, and never, never *mean* to become an abusive person. But he's made you live in fear, and you still live in fear, and now fear sets the tone in your relationship.
Losing you is the natural consequence of what he's done. Losing you AND facing criminal consequences, even. Natural consequences can bring about change in the willing.
By staying, you're removing the natural consequences, and you're preventing yourself from having safety and peace - even of your own mind and emotions.
Even feminists get battered. Even feminists get raped. Even people who believe in the equality of the sexes abuse their partner because when it comes down to it, it's not about who's "better", but about who has the capability to control through fear.
He wanted to win an argument, so he threatened to rape you.
He is in control of his anger, don't for a second buy the "I couldn't help myself" bit if he tries it, or the "I have anger management issues" bit either. He controls his anger - and he uses it to control you and your responses to him.
Maybe he can change. But he can't change with you.
That's all.
I, too, work with victims of domestic violence and I'm horrified that the incident you describe apparently came out of a clear blue sky... I'm taking you at your word that the usual signs just were not there, that there were no red flags you ought to have heeded and that makes this assault *scarier* than one that could have been easily predicted.
Whatever his pathology, you are not equipped to "fix" it, nor should you try.
Your relationship will never again be blessed with that feeling of perfect safety, the firm belief that your partner will never willingly, knowingly bring you harm.
You know now that he would willfully, deliberately cause you both physical and emotional pain and that knowlege will forever colour your view of him.... and if you stay with him, he will always know that he can get away with it.
You're reading this wrong, lady.
Get out. Be strong.
"I was gonna leave the guy who beats me, but I'm so smart I talked myself out of it!"
Get a clue, idiot.
It made me feel pretty undesirable, knowing that she would rather get smacked around, raped and treated like garbage than date me. I think a lot of guys can relate to this.
She married one of them, had a couple kids, weighs 300 pounds, and represents the largest metaphorical bullet I ever dodged.
Two black eyes is very serious. Get out before he damages you permanently.
The things that worked for us were Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and couples therapy. I would completely recommend either. If you try couples therapy, find a couples therapist who you are both comfortable with and whose emphasis is on working on solving the dynamic between you, rather than fixing a particular person. DBT would be for him only and helps with impulse control (greatly!). I tried that for impulse control issues of my own and it DEFINITELY made a difference.
I want to caution you that it would be unrealistic to expect him never to hit you again, even if he works hard on it-- these things take time. They get less frequent over time, but not uniformly so. They get better for a while, then worse again, then better again, and so on, but the overall trend is progress. Decide whether or not you can live with that, because it will only bring you unnecessary hurt to expect him to change more quickly than is possible and it would also be unfair to him. He can probably promise that it will be rare and that it will more-or-less get better with time, but he probably can't promise never. He should, of course, agree that hitting you is always wrong, and that if he ever does mess up he owes you one enormous apology and you have a right to be upset with him and uncomfortable with him for a while afterward.
One final thought: the fights my husband and I had were sometimes physical, but never involved real injury. Actually, your situation is slightly worse in this respect because neither of us ever got a black eye. But black eyes, as injuries go, are not serious injuries. They are only serious symbolically. (And in that way, they are a big deal! I am not minimizing that!) If you believe your partner might escalate to giving you serious injuries, you should not even consider staying in the relationship and trying to make it work. In that case, get out now! Another reason to get out now would be if you are living your life in constant fear, whether or not you believe it is justified. Don't put yourself in those positions. You deserve better than that!
You, run for your life.
Please don't do any more work with rape and domestic violence survivors. They deserve better than you.
I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I did have a close female friend who was abusive. We were friends for 17 years, so breaking off our friendship was like a divorce. It was a huge loss for me. She stole from me to buy drugs and then convinced me that I was the one with the problem- not her. She killed two animals that I know of- the first time she told me about it, I didn't believe her. The second time I was in denial, not understanding that the warning signs were clearly there. It took a year of being her roommate and taking shit from her before I finally said fuck you I'm done.
I've been in therapy and it's taken a lot of work to understand that I didn't do anything wrong. For awhile, I felt like I should have seen it coming, because she was always a bit of a troublemaker. I blamed myself when I should have blamed her. Abusers can be extremely manipulative and they prey on your vulnerabilities. They do everything in their power to make you think that all of their problems are somehow your fault. My former "friend" had serious addiction and mental health problems that had nothing to do with anything about me personally. This man has serious problems of his own and nothing you do or say will fix whatever is broken in his warped psyche. It's him, not you.
Leave this piece of shit in your past where he belongs. Walk away and don't look back. You are so much better off without him. It hurts at first to lose someone you love, but what you find on the other side is that you are so much better without an abusive, hateful person in your life. You will lose him, but find the parts of yourself you gave up in order to be with this loser. Don't make any excuses for him- Lot's of people make it out of bad situations without growing up to become monsters. He alone is responsible for what he is doing to you. No one else made him who he is- not his friends, not his family, and most certainly not you. All you did was try to love him and he repaid that with violence.
Be careful when you leave him, because there are too many horror stories out there. An abusive partner is not likely to respond well to what he perceives as being abandoned. I'm sure you know from your professional life that leaving him won't be easy.
As someone who has worked in the mental health field, I know personally that it is doubly painful to realize that you are the one who needs help. Not only are you worried about your personal life, but you are worried that you could be perceived as less fit to do your work. Don't worry about your professional credibility, your safety and health are worth a lot more. Get help anonymously if you are worried that you could lose your job.
Find whatever resources you can and get the help that you need, especially because of the work that you do. Tell yourself what you would tell a client- you wouldn't tell a client that it was her fault or that she should have known better. No man is worth your self esteem, professional credibility and mental health. You know what you have to do, so just do it. Just leave.
if you need more perspective than the stranger comments section, choose five of your most trusted, most admired colleagues in your domestic violence work. sit down with each of them individually and tell them the whole story. be honest and don't leave anything out. then ask for their professional opinions.
please leave.
You need to ask yourself, like I am asking myself now, why am I even considering staying? I feel like I've been in love with a hologram, an image he projected onto my overly needy retinas. Don't be stupid, don't waste any more time on this man. Time is what your life is made of.
You are an abuse victim. Get help - I'm sure you already know exactly how, and you're lucky to - and get out.
Leave. Now. Inform a friend or relative, pack in secret, call the police, and LEAVE.
I just want to point out that this man is not all of those things that Anon listed: "You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times. You do not try to destroy my self-esteem or my relationships with others."
How is punching someone's two eyes and threatening to rape her "compassionate" or "adoring". How does punching and threatening not destroy her self esteem? Hello?????! If it were only once in many years and he had no past, and it were ONE black eye... .well, I could see giving him another chance. But two black eyes. This seems WAY over the line.
There are good guys out there! Go find one.
Also, it'll help you help others in domestic abuse situations. I'm not a counselor, I tried, but to be honest, I couldn't hack it. So, I'm a psychology professor. Good luck to you, and what a warm, fuzzy I, Anon thread this is. It's usually neither.
You know, while previewing my comment, it occurs to me to ask...if you're still living with this guy, you clear your browser history, right? Or use your work machine? I hope.
Now get out.
Like this moron here. Listen up, doofus. Ask anyone about their best friend, as you called this guy, and they’ll tell you that their best friend has never given them a black eye. What should happen is that you and this guy should part ways and keep in touch via phone calls/emails/live chat etc till the time he proves to you that he’s got his anger management sorted out, whether that is six months from now or five years from now.
Of course, that won’t happen. Instead, you’ll stay with this loser who has no incentive to change his habit of using you as his punching bag whenever his angry. If he felt like not doing it, he’d at least punch a wall and walk away till he calms down, but your face must feel so much nicer underneath his fist. And he also has no reason to go through the difficult path of self-improvement because his hardon-reliever already gives him everything he wants now. You’ll tell yourself that the black eyes, busted lips and broken noses are better than putting up with being single on Valentine’s Day, you’ll buy dresses and make-up so he’ll want to keep f***ing you, and he’ll buy flowers and jewellery so you’ll want to keep f***ing him, and capitalism wins again.
And on the long run, you’ll settle down with him (again, beware the curse of the single people who find their path in life alone!) where his abuse will most likely shift from physical to emotional/sexual/financial (the ones that are committed more because they’re less visible) and you’ll keep telling yourself that you’re happy while desperately doing retail therapy or drinking booze every morning for breakfast or snorting coke.
Empowered woman, indeed.
Moron.
If you really want to help this guy, the best thing you can do for him is to LEAVE.
If you need to quit your job in order to evade an abuser, Washington State will enable you to collect unemployment for this purpose. Good luck.
I pray that you can utilize the resources available here in Washington State to get out of your abusive situation.
You and all others who have suffered from rape and abuse remain in my heartfelt thoughts and prayers. I've been there too.
"Me Too" comments here. Truly fucked up, for real.
So, he went to jail, I divorced him, found a good therapist, went back to school and found a good job. I had a rough first year, but my daughter has had ongoing problems and some really hard times. I help her as much as I can. I thought I was so smart, but staying was the worst choice I ever made.
You can't even imagine how bad things can get if you stay, whether you put up with the abuse or not. Save your own life! Be the heroine of your own story. And don't die of a life unlived!
Because as long as you stay, and continue to enjoy your pseudo-romantic drama and self-destructiveness ("Oh, but I luuuv him!"), some other woman is that much less likely to step in that pile of shit you're currently rolling around in.
Go for it. Then you can add Martyr to Love Slave.
The fact is, it doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is- all the matters is that it only takes it happening one time for you to know that that is a possibility with him for the rest of your life. And it's been more than one time. Even if he successfully dealt with his problems/behavior and never repeated his actions, you will still be walking on egg shells and spending your life with someone who you know is willing and capable of hurting you like that.
The relationship that you had that you liked and are tempted to try to preserve was over forever the moment you found out was he was capable of doing to you, now it's time to take it off life support.
Get The Fuck Out.
period.
You can analyze it later.
Remember: don't piss him off...
All the pretty language doesn't cover the fact -you are a battered woman
There is no excuse for what he did.
Now get out
Here's the thing: he may abuse you because he's mentally ill, unable to stop himself, and is later legitimately sorry. But if he can't help himself, HE CAN'T STOP IT and -- stay with me -- will keep abusing you. He will keep morphing back into the abuser when whatever-it-is (THAT NEITHER OF YOU CAN CONTROL) sets him off again. It sucks for him, but more importantly, it sucks for YOU. You need to decide RATIONALLY (not with the illogical and optimistic assumption that he'll be able to improve himself) how often he abuses you, how bad it is, and if you are willing to stick around and take it. I know you love him, and he probably loves you in his 'good' personality, but love isn't going to stop it.
If you've given him one "never again", and it's happened again, then don't give him another. Get out.