MONDAY, APRIL 19 This week of killer twisters, assistive chili, and the potentially horrible intersection of bullies and cliffs kicks off in Utah, where today a 37-year-old woman was sentenced to one month in jail for a marital surprise gone wrong. Details come from the Salt Lake Tribune, which identifies today's sentencee as Amy Teresa Ricks, who reportedly promised her husband "a surprise" before blindfolding him and attacking him with a hammer. (Surprise!) In February, Ricks pleaded guilty to second-degree felony aggravated assault. Today, she was sentenced to the aforementioned month in jail followed by probation and community service. She and her husband—who escaped his surprise hammer attack with minor head injuries—have separated.

TUESDAY, APRIL 20 Speaking of women who belong in jail, the week continues with the lady who accused magician David Copperfield of rape, who today dropped all charges against Copperfield. Details on the fluctuating rape allegations come from the Associated Press, which identifies the indecisive alleged victim as Lacey Carroll, a model and waitress who claimed Copperfield invited her to his private island in the Bahamas in 2007 and forced her to perform sex acts. After a two-year federal investigation of the charges turned up nothing, Carroll filed a civil lawsuit last July seeking damages from Copperfield, and today she ditched the whole endeavor. Undoubtedly informing her decision: Carroll's arrest last year on charges of prostitution and filing a false police report after allegedly making a false claim of sexual assault against a man in Bellevue. Condolences to all.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21 The week continues with a horrible story out of Kentucky, where a trio of teenage girls is facing serious felony charges after allegedly brutalizing a classmate who happens to be gay. Details come from the Lexington Herald-Leader, which identifies the victim as Cheyenne Williams, an 18-year-old student at Jackson County High School, who alleges the attack happened last Friday, when three of her Jackson County classmates—18-year-old Corinne Schwab, 18-year-old Ashley Sams, and a 17-year-old female left nameless due to her minor status—restrained, abducted, and attempted to kill her. According to yesterday's news release from the Kentucky State Police, Williams was "taken against her will to the Flat Lick Falls area," where she was assaulted and the other three girls "attempted to push her over a cliff, which could have resulted in serious physical injury or death." Lucky for all, Williams (an out lesbian who cites her sexual orientation as motive for the attack) not only managed to escape by beating her attackers off with a stick, she recorded the incident on her cell phone. All three of Williams's alleged attackers have been arrested on charges of kidnapping and attempted murder.

THURSDAY, APRIL 22 In better news, the week continues in Kent, where early this morning, a 63-year-old woman cheated death thanks to a bowl of insufficiently cheesy chili. Details come from KIRO 7, which reports the saga commenced just after midnight, when a speeding car mowed down several trees in a Kent neighborhood before crashing through the living-room wall of the aforementioned woman's house. Cops arrived to find a 24-year-old Auburn man dead behind the wheel of the crashed car, which was lodged deep in the living room. "The woman inside the house was directly in the car's path, but got up to put cheese on her chili seconds before the impact," reports KIRO. "Police told [us] that move from the living room to the kitchen probably saved the 63-year-old woman's life." The moral: Never doubt the power of chili after midnight.

FRIDAY, APRIL 23 The week continues with a day of reckoning for Eric Lee Garner, the 24-year-old Auburn man arrested last year after threatening a Muslim woman and her baby. As Seattlepi.com reminds us, the July 1 incident occurred at the Seattle Indian Health Board offices, where Garner reportedly lashed out at a Muslim woman about her head scarf before displaying a knife and threatening to cut the woman and her baby. On March 9, Garner pleaded guilty to second-degree assault and malicious harassment, and today he was sentenced to a year and a half in prison. Garner's next legal battle: charges of first-degree rape, filed after he allegedly assaulted a 13-year-old at knifepoint.

Meanwhile in Arizona: Today, Governor Jan Brewer signed new legislation "making it a crime under state law to be in the country illegally," the Associated Press reports. "It also requires local police officers to question people about their immigration status if there is reason to suspect they are illegal immigrants, allows lawsuits against government agencies that hinder enforcement of immigration laws, and makes it illegal to hire illegal immigrants for day labor or knowingly transport them." Also today: President Obama instructed the U.S. Department of Justice to investigate whether Arizona's new law—which seemingly can't exist without threat of gross racial profiling—is legal.

Meanwhile in Iraq, a wave of bombings targeting Shiites killed at least 61 people and wounded more than 100 others.

SATURDAY, APRIL 24 Speaking of sudden deadly destruction, the week continues with a whole bunch of tornadoes ripping the shit out of the Southern U.S., including one that killed 10 people in Mississippi. By tomorrow, ABC News will report that "officials have so far counted 61 tornadoes in nine states," with the total death toll rising to 12.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25 The week ends with nothing, including, thank God, the non- materializing murder of Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of Comedy Central's South Park, who this week drew death threats from a radical Muslim fringe group by depicting the prophet Muhammad in a bear suit. Adding insult to injury, Comedy Central censored all references to Islam—both direct and completely oblique—from the follow-up episode. Shame on Comedy Central for allowing the developmentally disabled religious psychos to win even this little battle, and best of luck to Stone and Parker in avoiding all such developmentally disabled religious psychos in the future. (And don't forget to connect the dots on the cover.)

Attention, talented folk and those who love to gawk at them: This Saturday, May 1, the Stranger Gong Show hits the stage at the Crocodile. Talents will be shared, minds will be blown, and one lucky winner will walk away with $300 cash (along with an avalanche of other prizes). For full info, see thestranger.com/gongshow. (And send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.)