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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Please. And the argument that you can't get funding to study sex drugs! One of the most absurd ever made on SL and that's saying something.
Dress the part. I have a close friend who is a 31 year old woman. She's petite, and in a hoodie and jeans she can look like a teenager. But with a grown woman's haircut and in business attire, she looks her age. Admittedly in our culture a grown woman who looks like a teen is a lot of men's dream, but I digress.
Facial hair and glasses can make a man look older, as can the right haircut. Button up shirts and slacks rather than jeans and t-shirts also can make a man look older. If part of the youthful mistake is a small stature, perhaps he should get to a gym and buff up a bit.
Finally, at 38, perhaps he should aim for that sweet spot somewhere between women his own age and those just able to legally drink. I think it's pretty well established that women in their early 20s are often still looking for their perfect prince, while women in their late 20s are much more flexible about superficial factors than their younger peers.
Kinda undercuts the credibility of the rest of the "expert" opinion. The estrogen is optional.
I think that better advice for this woman is that she should be screened for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse, as well as common medical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid dysfunction, pelvic disease. If these are normal, sex or couples therapy is a good next step. Treatment with testosterone or other androgens has been done but the results are variable and the medications have side effects.
For other people facing problems with sexual desire, speaking to their physician can be a good first step. There are also online resources, via the American Academy of Family Physicians and the Mayo Clinic.
A Concerned Physician
So you call those of us that question the magic healing powers of untested alternative approaches closed-minded, and then claim that all of Western medicine only believes in treating symptoms? It's just. not. true. 'Thousands of years of history' isn't science. It sounds like ashwagandha might have some compounds that have clinical benefit. Awesome. We should (and it appears that scientists are trying) identify the active compounds, isolate them, purify them, continue to test their efficacy, test their safety, identify potential drug reactions, identify ideal dosages and then use them for treatment.
And after all, what is acupuncture and chiropractic but treating the symptom? There's certainly no scientific basis whatsoever for the hypotheses governing their supposed efficacy, regardless of whether or not they sometimes work.
I think Dan's first instinct was right. Not the one telling him to tell YOUNG to lie about his age, but that his lack of success with women has nothing to do with his youthful looks. If anything, he's getting blown off DESPITE them.
There's plenty of younger ladies who like older men. I am one of them. I'm 18, and I normally date 30-somethings. I don't know many women my age who would totally brush a guy off because of his age if he made a positive impression. Generally speaking, women my age tend to be vain. We like hot guys, we like hot reliable guys, we like hot reliable guys who have gotten over the "bro" phase. If women are blowing you off, you either 1) aren't that hot, 2) didn't make an impression, 3) do not act age appropriately. The fact that you're scoping for ladies in areas that cater to the young folk does indicate that you aren't reliable or mature. Perhaps stop frequenting college bars and try branching out a bit.
when I was 21, I walked into a music store, thought the guy behind the counter was cute and asked him out. We went on our 1st date the next day and over lunch I asked him how old is was. "How old do you think I am?" was his response, I said 27 and was off by 8 years. 1 year to the day later, were (and still are) married...a long-winded, sappy story to get to the point: younger women who like older men are out there. You don't have to lie or change the way you dress.
So this is interesting...it turns out Dan actually edited YOUNG's letter for the column. Here's the abridged section:
"I mean there was this one 20-year-old girl who was okay with it and we dated for awhile. She was an actress, but I kind of realized she sucked when I took my friends to see her, so I ended things. Haven't heard from her since.
Anyway, I gotta run. My friend Basil is coming over later. He's kind of a sad sack, but he's got this kick ass buddy Henry who's hella chill to hang with.
Peace out,
YOUNG"
Ditto. The only person who should be asking my age at the bar is the person who's selling the booze. If I'm old enough to have a beer in my hand, I'm old enough to fuck. My birth date, along with my SS#, are private bidness. Keep your nose out of it.
And yes, ayurveda does balance out hormones, remove toxicity - and it addresses the person, his lifestyle, his physiology etc - as does Homeopathy, another ancient AND well-documented science.
Any good Ayurvedic practioner would take an hour and have you answer MANY questions about your lifestyle, diet, sleep, sexual habits etc, before they would even begin to treat you. And none of the treatments are going to 'cure' you overnight. It is a lifestyle change that they demand of you, and however suspicious of these sciences you are, please do some research before knocking it altogether.
Ayurveda has been known and practiced in India for centuries. In fact, the first known written text, Sushruta Samhita, was dated to 3rd century AD. A treatise in which were included notes on surgery, and plastic surgery. And in case you think I am being anecdotal, this has been verified by British physicians in the 18th century. Which leads me to wonder if our contributions to medicine and mathematics, and anything else for that matter will only count if it is validated by the west.
NO, thousands of years of history is NOT science. Science is a method for gaining knowledge, based on constantly testing hypotheses to see if they match the facts. Alt medicine too often refuses to put its solutions to the test, with bs claims like those of marrena that they just can't get funding for their amazing treatments.
Just because people have been doing something for a long time does NOT mean it works. It could be a cultural practice, or it could be that theyve been taken in by snake oil salesmen. It may mean that the practice is not harmful, but it doesn't mean it's a proven cure.
Western docs do not say "it's low testosterone" unless they've already given you a test that PROVED that testosterone levels were low. In fact, it's alt medicine that says "no matter what the problem, X is the solution"
The point is that any medicine that wants to be taken seriously needs to be open with its data and willing to consider facts that do not favor its products and services.
Science is defined by experiments whose results can be repeated, and to do this you must keep records of your data. Traditional medicine doesn't do that. And jesus christ, just because we didn't do clinical trials 500 years ago is no reason for not having them as the standard now. There's plenty to be found in traditional medicine, which is why chemists isolate the active compounds and purify them. There is also the issue of the placebo effect in untested drugs. The placebo effect can actually do you a lot of good, but the herbs can have side effects that must be taken into consideration. I'm not trying to insult the history of medicine, but I think it's sensible to move into the modern age and enjoy the benefits of our vastly improved methods and technology.
Your mention of homeopathy as a "well-documented science" tells me all I need to know about your point of view. Since the whole premise goes against hundreds (thousands!) of years of actual science, namely physics and chemistry and biology (hell, possibly some other branches too!). Just repeat to yourself: it's just water, it's just water, it's just water.
@114 (fredricka22)
ML77 already responded admirably, so let me just say: water has been extensively studied, actually.
I like your contention that homeopathy goes against thousands of years of science - let me give you just one example. For centuries, Magnesium has been prescribed by homeopaths for migraines. Guess what? Your allopathic community has just woken up to the fact that magnesium actually does work - only they make it into white capsules of magnesium,a nd add calcium to make it seem like they found it out all by themselves. So instead of the little white magnesium pills that homeopaths prescribe, you can down a bitter chalky LARGE magnesium tablet that your large pharma provides and mock at the origin of that cure.
I have nothing against allopathy, and find it efficacious in treating some diseases / illnessess; unlike you, just because allopathy did not work for me for a particular problem, I do not tar the whole science as a collusion between corporate interests and large pharma, or diss an entire science.
Please, please educate yourself on Ayurveda atleast - it is heavily documented and goes through rigrorous testing. Unfortunately, the testing is also done by Indians so maybe that will not count.
It's an utterly false dichotomy. There's medicine that works and there are treatments that don't. It doesn't matter if we realize something works after studying in a lab, work brought on because an herb has been used traditionally as a treatment or if we realize something works after a large-scale small molecule screen. I don't want a naturapath giving me a magnesium supplement. I want magnesium that is purified, concentrated and regulated. And hey, perhaps it's more effective mixed with calcium! I don't know, but I can guarantee you there are peer-reviewed articles about it.
And for the record: 'Homeopathy' is not synonymous to 'alternative'. Magnesium is not a homeopathic remedy. The homeopathic remedy is a 'magnesium' solution that is so dilute that there is chemically, mathematically, no magnesium molecules left in the solution. That is probably less magnesium than I can get from a glass of water from my tap.
Ahh, it's the always-popular 'requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!' gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
It's an utterly false dichotomy. There's medicine that works and there are treatments that don't. It doesn't matter if we realize something works after studying in a lab, work brought on because an herb has been used traditionally as a treatment or if we realize something works after a large-scale small molecule screen. I don't want a naturapath giving me a magnesium supplement. I want magnesium that is purified, concentrated and regulated. And hey, perhaps it's more effective mixed with calcium! I don't know, but I can guarantee you there are peer-reviewed articles about it.
And for the record: 'Homeopathy' is not synonymous to 'alternative'. Magnesium is not a homeopathic remedy. The homeopathic remedy is a 'magnesium' solution that is so dilute that there are chemically, mathematically, no magnesium molecules left in the solution. That is probably less magnesium than I can get from a glass of water from my tap.
Ahh, it's the always-popular 'requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!' gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
This is a legitimate side effect that women should be told about before making the decision to take the pill. I was not told this was a possibility, and after voicing my concerns, my gyno told me that my sex drive would return to normal after I'd been off the Pill for a few months. Well, she was wrong.
Thanks again for your great advice.
Either YOUNG isn't entirely forthcoming about what's really been going on, or, if he's telling the truth, the older women, having enough experience to recognize an unstable personality when they see one, are letting him down easy.
Every woman learns this trick by age thirty or so because it's better than arguing with a nutcase for two hours about whether she has the right not to go out with him.
Ahh, it's the always-popular 'requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!' gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
---
I had written a long post which seemed to have disappeared into ether, but anyway, two things - one, thank YOU for exposing your ignorance of homeopathy. Magnesium in homeopathy is not so dilute that there is no trace of it in the solution. If you knew anything at all about it, or were even interested in finding out, then you *would* know that homeopathic medicines come in different concentrations from 100x to 1c.
Two, I did point out ONE science based branch of medicine - Ayurveda, which you have conveniently ignored in *all* your subsequent ripostes - only it is not the 'science' you know. And whether you agree or not, Ayurveda IS *real* science.
It is a well-known, well-documented, rigorously tested discipline, and many allopathic practitioners from the west are now acknowledging what Ayurvedic practioners have always been saying regards diet, lifestyle, etc. The more open-minded among them are also digging into old treatises to find mention of illnesses and diseases that have baffled them for ages, and using those texts to see how they can help people today.
My original post *said* that blind belief in herbal remedies is idiotic. However, closing your mind to *any* other option other than allopathic medicine is ridiculous. There should be a happy medium between these two extremes. I offered one. You do not believe in homeopathy. That is fine. You do not know anything about Ayurveda? That is fine, too. But do not knock something because you do not know anything about it. I come from a long line of Aryurvedic practioners. Every generation, for the past 14, has also had one or two allopathic doctors. I see the good in both.
If you choose to disagree, that is fine. But you can do so without the aid of snarky remarks. And oh, you pulled the racist comment out - I do not bandy terms like that even as a joke.
I went through a very long dry spell after a divorce and full responsibility for young children. My sex drive came back better than ever doing what I suggest. I am multi-orgasmic in my 70's, and probably haven't any hormones left at all. It's largely in the mind.
Well, that's kinda my point. There doesn't have to be a line there. Yoga absolutely has health benefits, both in terms of physiology (increased strength and flexibility, weight loss, etc) and mentally, if you're someone who likes the meditation-deep-breathing stuff. And probiotics...well, not all the products on the market have been tested, but we certainly know (and with the advent of next generation sequencing are learning more all the time) about the importance of our natural microbial flora and its role in health. And of course a drug like aspirin you might use for pain relief has its origins in traditional herbal remedies. The lines blur.
@137
Yeah, it did that to me too, but somehow I ended up with a double post.
I'm only going by the very definition of the field. Hahnemann seemed to think that all the diluting made the 'remedy' more powerful, and even a 1C is, what, 1:100? And homeopaths consider that a higher potency than 1X, which is 1:10? At any rate, even the lower-X-value dilutions haven't been show clinical efficacy better than placebo.
Ayurveda is based on the fire, earth, water, air and ether as the elements that make up the universe! No part of that is scientific. It's unscientific from the premise. Just because it advocates living well and taking care of yourself doesn't make it scientific; so does everyone else. Good on them for developing an early system to prevent and treat disease; that doesn't mean everything they did was right, and it doesn't mean we should cow to their tenants when they've been shown ineffective under controlled study.
Dude, come on, you implied that I was disregarding Ayuvedra because it is primarily practiced by an entire ethnicity of people that you assume I am not part of (snarkily, no less). That's pretty clear-cut. But always a risky gambit on the internet, since you don't know where I'm from or what color I am.
I’m pretty “granola,” but I am also a medical student and a historian of medicine. My view on most “alternative” medicine is that if people have been using it for so long, it must work. Even if it only works by placebo effect, that’s still more than I’m getting from my allopaths right now. Of course there has been harmful medicine (blood-letting, anyone?). But by asking around my community I figure I can find somethings to try that will do more harm than good. And yes, I’m well aware of the fact that herbals are not regulated, so I’ll definitely research this stuff.
What it comes down to, for me, is wanting to get that spark back—even if it means getting back to the acne and PMS I had before starting the Pill. I can give my husband mind-blowing orgasms, but sex for me is “nice”—like if you were petting a cat. As intellectual as I am, I still feel “broken” because I can’t enjoy the prime of my sex life.
Um. . . What if they are asking because they think you are attractive, intelligent, and interesting, but don't want to get arrested. That's not rude. That's well within the realm of "information they need." I suppose they could ask "Are you over eighteen?" and that would be okay, but they aren't being rude to ask.
Let me say I support drug trial tested meds over herbal "remedies" that may not even contain the herbs they claim. I do this because (aside from usual human error and venality) the medical establishment's record of effectiveness overall has been demonstratively superior and generally indicates a better control factor. The large amount of simple-minded ego, and cultishness in most of the herbal movement is a turn off too.
That said, isn't it interesting that the birth control hormone problem HNHN is writing about is from a professionally derived medication that DID go thru extensive medical trials and has been around for decades?
And here we have many people touting more drugs that have been through peer reviews and clinical trials, etc. to fix her problem.
So maybe some innocuous herbs may give her a placebo effect? Well, many recent studies show that effect is MORE beneficial than actual drugs for some problems. So I guess I'm a bit on the fence here.
I definitely agree with Dan about her finding a sex positive doctor.
Hopefully she will have better luck than I ever did. If I had a dollar for every OBGyn who asked if I "had pain with intercourse?" and then had no further suggestions when I said, "Yes", I'd be a rich woman. (Turned out to be stage 4 endometriosis, BTW)
I also agree with the Kinsey doc and the "cycle of dread". I don't know about other women, but when I've refrained from sex, especially vaginal, for a while, my arousal will be quicker and the intensity of my orgasms MUCH greater.
I've had acquaintances I knew 30 years ago strike up conversations telling me that I remind them of someone they once knew...me...very odd...
Western medicine isn't all that great, either. Consider the word "iatrogenic." Treatment that does more harm than good is a far-too-common cause of death in the U.S.
But just in case you weren't just trying to be funny, I'll add some anecdotal evidence in support of acupuncture and herbs.
I went to acupuncturist for cramps. Within 2 months, my period was completely changed to 3-4 days instead of 5-7 days, with less pain and annoyance.
I heard once that you could use ... sage or thyme? Drink it in a hot tea, and it would warm you up. Drink it in a cold tea, and it would cool you down. So, without any info on dosage, I stupidly boiled an entire package of fresh sage/thyme and drank the resulting tea. Yeah, I got warm. I sweat. I also had heart palpitations for 4 hours. Herbs are powerful.
@Dan: The advice you gave Not Horny Not Happy was the most valuable advice I've ever read on this issue! Thank you!
My fiance is 19 years older than I am, and he lied to me about his age when we first met. He shouldn't have; I still would have dated him and would have trusted him more if he had been honest.
If a girl (or guy) judges you based on age, then they are not someone you should aim to be with anyway.
And you need to respect what other people want for themselves. If a 20 year old doens't want to date a thirty year old, people should respect that even if they disagree with the logic.
If you're still reading this far down - I've been there. Mine was post-partum. Cardio is the answer. I still need about an hour a week of cardio to maintain a libido. I do it for his state of mind as well as for mine. If your boyfriend is worth anything at all, it really matters to him whether you want him or not.
I was the pill for 10 years. When I went off, it took about a year and then Whammo-I discovered what my libido would have been like if I hadn't been on the pill! Wowza! Worth waiting for, definitely. It takes a while for some bodies to cleanse. I say, do NOT take hormone replacements--they are experimental and apparently dangerous. Try a good cleanse, or wait it out with happy, healthy living and don't stress about it. Tell the boyfriend not to take it personally. Try Karezza (kareza?), or white Tantra, or anything like that to bring the vibe back better than ever. And enjoy equilibrium while it lasts honey!
Nope, sorry. Low libido is a common side effect for birth control (as are the depression and anxiety you suggest looking into), however slow studies are to catch on. I worked at a college clinic for five years and the number of girls who came in who couldn't connect their mental and health problems to their birth control was mind-boggling. Most thought it was due to a new relationship (the one they started taking birth control in) or starting college (and birth control at the same time). And when they went off their pill for 2-3 weeks? Literally the closest thing to a miracle cure for depression. Takes longer if you have been on it for a while. (Yes, some women's libidos aren't affected and their skin is clear – but again, in five years when they're losing their hair or can't lose weight and they cease or switch birth control methods and their problems clear up – there is a connection, even if no doctor gives a shit).
As the child of a doctor and a physicist, I am not a huge follower or fan of 'alternative' medicine. If it works, do it, but I don't like the idea of people profiting of ignorance. BUT the only reason people – especially women – seek it out is because so many doctors either couldn't care less or don't know what they're talking about. How many women are even warned about side effects like depression or two months of bleeding, hair loss, anxiety attacks, etc. when they get birth control? Or told that they're overreacting when they complain? How many other drugs are tested exclusively on men before having their dosage simply reduced for women,a s if they are nothing but smaller men?
Hell, birth control, that scientific miracle, was affecting women's health without their consent when it first came out– the only info they got was that it was for regulating their period. Why do we think it's reached a perfect plateau now? Yes, I believe in science. So let's get some more research into hat different pills are doing to women's bodies and mental health.
You are funny. Nobody needs to bother to do what it takes to get FDA-approval for "libido-improving" herbal drugs, because they can just claim that it works, and people will buy it!
You can send penis enlargement pill spam and somebody will buy it!
People in China believe that eating the balls of some endangered species works for male sexual potency. But who knows if it really does, and you know, Viagra is actually *proven* to work.
As for me, if I were having this kind of problem, I'd get a bloodwork-up done to see if anything explained it. Eating healthy is never a bad idea. I never did hormonal birth control though, the side effects didn't seem worth it.
Dirty little secret with the Pill, that whole loss of libido thing. I gotta agree with the IUD ladies. I got mine a little over a year ago, and I have fully recovered from the low libido I developed from years of being on the Pill. I am 100% certain that my declining sex drive was from the Pill.
I was a little disappointed that Dan recommended trying to counteract the effects of the Pill with another pill. I would have first recommended replacing the Pill with one of the many fine non-hormonal, low-failure rate birth control products available to women, and seeing where it went from there
Here's my advice: don't bring up your age. If they ask, be honest. I once dated a woman 18 years my age difference, and it wasn't weird until she was weird about it. If a girl's turned off, she's turned off. But I know a lotta girls out there love an older man - my sister always goes for the older men.