If an undercover cop, posing as an escort, is hired and no sex is involved, where does the money end up going? Does the undercover cop get to keep it? Does it go back to the person who paid it? To the police coffers? The escort agency?
i LOVED the response to poopnoodle boy; i sent it to my mom and sis! and i enjoyed further use of the term "poopnoodle" in the next letter, too - i liked the column :)
@5, my brother is a cop in statewide drug enforcement (btw, he thinks pot should be legal and taxed), and when they seize money they use it to fund the force. I imagine it's the same thing with escort money.
Not every guy who's a 30-year-old, awkward, gf-less virgin has Asperger's Syndrome....but some do. The results may help you understand yourself in ways you don't right now. Also, listen to Dan's advice - he's absolutely right.
poopnoodle- i do not underatnd you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
poopnoodle- i do not understand you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
I would also advise AAA to try talking to women he's NOT attracted to. Make some female friends. They won't turn into dates, but that's not the point. First of all, if he's not attracted to her he'll have less reason to be anxious so it's a way to practice whatever little social skills he does have. Also, he needs to learn that women are people too. His new female friends might be able to give him some insights he can use later when he starts communicating with women he is attracted to.
I just fondled my wife while she was sleeping and got kicked out of bed with a growl. Now I'm on the computer, what a coincedence! I posted at 4:50 am. mtn. When did people have time to make 17 entries?
As a 30-year-old virgin myself, the advice to hire a sex worker isn't very helpful. Men want to feel desired too; there's nothing lamer than having an attractive woman flirt with you, and then finding out that she was just interested in your money, or free drinks, or scaring off some other guy, or getting you to fix her computer. How is it going to build self-confidence to know that once his $500 are up, she's going to ditch him and forget he exists?
Dan's advice about seeing a shrink, sadly, is probably correct - although there's a limit to what medications can do in place of self-confidence. Otherwise, I think @14 has it right; AAA needs to do this the hard way. I've found it much easier to ask for dating advice from female friends; just make sure they're not going to gossip to all of their friends about the 30-year-old virgin they know.
The last guy who said to me as a blanket statement, "I love women," turned out to be a raging horndog whose only interest in me was as a cum sponge. AAA doesn't seem predatory but he's equally out of touch with women as human beings rather than as (unobtainable) objects of desire. Yes, he should try being FRIENDS with a woman, or just having some friends, period. Maybe he should try to BE a good friend to someone instead of thinking only about himself and his shyness.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Even the most fervent Dan supporters among us would have to admit, whether intended or a happy consequence of poor spelling, "Mr Sanctimoney" is a pretty damn humorous sobriquet for Mr. Snarkage.
AAA: even if you have no intention (for whatever reason) of losing your virginity to a sex worker, going out with one a few times might be very useful (particularly if you *are* an Aspie--that is, someone with some degree of Asperger's or a similar disorder) as, essentially, a practice date.
The same might hold true (probably for less money) if you have a no-possibility-of-going-anywhere female friend (lesbian, happily married, whatever). Aspies in particular can be freaked out or upset by a completely "new" situation, so a low-pressure dress rehearsal, especially with someone willing to (gently) critique you afterward, can be invaluable.
Also, when you do feel ready for the real thing, you might try dating someone of a geekish persuasion. Even if she is not herself an Aspie, she's probably used to dealing with them (there is a significant overlap between sets), so she's less likely to be upset or freak out or otherwise reject you if you're a little awkward. Standard be-an-interesting-person advice applies, of course, but geeks often have somewhat different standards of "interesting", too.
AAA:
You have to start by having conversations with women. This is NOT just a sex thing. This is a life thing. This could be a career thing. You've got to be able to talk to women because they're half the world.
Before you look into paying an escort, I'd actually try having conversations with women. Not picking up girls -- talk to your co-workers. Talk to your friends' girlfriends.
(If indeed it's "talking to women" that's your problem. From your letter I wasn't sure if you were exaggerating and you just freeze up when you see a woman you might be interested in. If it's that, then I guess do what I did -- screw up your courage, say some ridiculous thing, learn to do better next time. I actually asked the same guy out three times and the third time was the start of an incredible relationship. So mistakes really are the portals of discovery.)
One of my ex-boyfriends was big on the "alarm cock" wakeup, as we used to call it. Great way to start the day, refreshed and ready for work with a blush on the cheeks and sparkle in the eye.
But not once have I ever considered that anything but vanilla. I always thought it was sort of de rigueur - whoever woke up first got the party rolling.
Police stings don't work that way. The person responding to an ad for an escort (be it on CL, BackPage, etc.) is arrested generally upon arrival at the meeting location, as the ads are generally explicit enough that LE can charge you for even responding to the ad in person.
Stings involving street prostitutes work differently, in that the undercover police officer will absolutely not get in the John's vehicle, ever. Generally they obtain PC by repeatedly asking you "What do you want to do?" and "How much do you have?".
Don't worry, Dan, I promise not to send any nudie pix of my 46-year-old female body. I realize that is a very specialized taste that is worlds away from your palate!
Ok, that poopnoodle thing was the most ridiculous craziness, ever - how could anyone even think that could happen?? Omg. Like, how dumb do you have to be?? I'm positive that Dan only ran that inane letter to call the dumb-speller "poopnoodle," which of course, I'm totally going to use, now. Excellent.
Ask working ladies for private dances and nude modeling first. No cop is going to do this to entice an offer of sexual capitalism, but a sex worker will jump at the easy money.
If you wish to seek out a escort, Get a membership in a escort review board that reviews escorts. And pick one that has great reviews and a proven and reasonably long track record. It's well worth the $50 bucks or so to sign up.
Escorts that have proven track records are definityly not cops and are great providers, pleasant fun and give great sex
This has got to be the most disappointing Savage Love in ages. I read it aloud to my girlfriend every week. We look forward to it. I felt stupid reading these letters and responses aloud.
Agree with most of the responses to AAA. Guys who profess to 'love women' (as what, a sepcies? All of them?) are usually as big a red flag as self-professed 'nice guys,' but AAA doesn't come across as an asshole. Still, like someone smarter than me once said, a pedestal is as confining as a prison cell. Dude needs to talk to women without an end goal. Hell, just chatting with women online (not sex chats, platonic chatrooms) would be more realistic than web cams.
@10 There are Aspies in my family and I've read a lot about it, and I've worked with Autistic kids, and I have ADHD (which is on the Autism spectrum too).
This guy does not sound like he's got Aspergers at all, particularly since it's only women that he's anxious about. He doesn't say any of the stuff that makes Aspergers special (such as he can't figure out how to identify what emotions other people are feeling). His complaint is not that he can't understand people, it's that he's terrified to be in the same room as women.
There's nothing in this letter to indicate Aspergers. It sounds more like a whole lot of anxiety, which is severely impacting his life, and is certainly cause to go see a shrink.
About AAA: I have a friend who told me he suffers from "love shyness", a term coined by psychologist Brian G. Gilmartin (info on Wikipedia & his website); he's a 30 year old virgin like AAA. His mother was very anxious her whole life... anyway,
he's been seeing a therapist and recently learned a simple meditation, both of which help, especially with confidence. I have hopes he will emerge from this a happy, loving sexual being. Recommending therapy, Dan, is right on; "practice-dating" a sexworker is also a great idea.
@48, I didn't diagnose AAA as an Aspie - I encouraged him to take the test. I have no idea if he's Aspie or not - hence the advice about, ya know, taking the test.
While his "complaint" only addressed his problem with women, he is writing to a sex advice columnist - for advice about sex. I'm guessing most people who write to Dan wouldn't be asking for advice about stimming, meltdowns, problems managing eye contact, etc., so I wouldn't expect to see that level of detail in a question to Dan.
Look, if you'd like to read a ton of posts that sound astonishingly similar to AAAs, take a swing by the Wrong Planet website (online community for people on the spectrum). The "Love and Dating" forum is crammed with them.
@49, up to 40% of men diagnosed as "love shy" actually have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no idea about your friend, or about his therapist's level of knowledge on the subject. I'd encourage him to take the test. Depending on his AQ, he may want to get himself to a teaching hospital for an accurate diagnosis. Good luck.
I'm sure Dan's advice to AAA is pretty good, but unfortunately it only applies to people with the disposable income to spend on shrinks and/or hookers.
I used to date a woman with the same kink as FIP, at least I think I did, as she never never actually admitted it directly. It's just that early in the relationship she told me something along the lines of "Look, I prefer to sleep in, so if you wake up horny and I'm sleeping on my side, feel free to just lube up and help yourself as long as you can do so without waking me up."
#27, I read that as an attempt to cut off responses pinning his shyness on being gay or hating women.
#33, this is so off topic but Amy Tan's Hundred Secret Senses employed the alarm cock phrase too and I have loved it ever since then. I haven't read any of her books since high school... thanks for bringing her to mind. x)
Hey awkward and alone, here's the scoop: you are a raging sexist. You act as though women are somehow different from men. They are, of course, they have tits and you don't, etc.
But conversationally? They have minds, just like yours. Well, not like yours. Better than yours. Yours is full of stupid thoughts like "I can't talk to women".
@56 Wow! Great, measured, sympathetic response! Thank goodness women are just like men, and AAA doesn't have to worry about any of them biting his head off when he tries to talk to them. Men who feel they can't talk to women don't feel that way (I'd imagine) because they are sexist pigs, they feel that way because they are scared, socially nervous, and insecure. Your raging comment just confirmed AAA's belief that he can't do this. Way to go! Consider a career in counseling, or perhaps parenthood!
#52, absolutely. Even if you're fluid bonded with a monogamous partner and don't use condoms, taking a piss after anal sex is a good idea, to dislodge any tiny particles of shit that might have gotten stuck up there. Of course, if you're having unprotected anal sex with casual partners or strangers, painful urination could end up being the least of your worries.
Oh man, AAA is a little too close to home, except that I'm 30 and female and, thanks to a healthy case of social anxiety, I am fucking intimidated by guys. It's not that I think men are different or dangerous or in any way bad...I can't explain it. I love them, I want them (DESPERATELY!) but I can't get past the fear! I've managed to make a few platonic male friends at least, but that's as far as it ever gets. AAA, I feel your pain!
don't need no one to tell me its okay
really wouldn't have it any other way
but when i first saw u couldn't hide my attraction,
girl u look like u can make my dreams come true
cuz what we share in secret glances and makes me wonder bout a brand new world with u
and why does the time crawl by
when i'm waiting waiting
for this lifetime of mine
to turn around
Awkward and Alone doesn't love "women." Not as people. He loves the way they "look, move, and sound"--ie, he likes them as sensory (and sensual) objects. Dude needs to realize that women are people, and learn to engage them as individuals rather than representatives of some idealized notion of sexual attractiveness.
He still needs to see a shrink prolly, since that isn't as easy as saying "dude, snap out of it and just treat "women" as "people.""
But yes. I wonder if he has the same difficulties talking to women he does not find attractive, or if he ever even attempts to talk to women he doesn't find attractive.
#57, comment #56 is probably a lot less aggressive than you think. It could read like a casual observation: the root of the guy's problem is a sexist inability to perceive women as regular people. Is this malicious, angry, lady-hating sexism? No, but as Avenue Q taught us Everyone's A Little Bit Racist so just sub "sexist" in there and go with it, knowing we all have biases and we need to acknowledge them to overcome them.
Women are unquestionably different from men in terms of our cultural context. Because the sexes are treated differently by society and fiction tends to reduce women to objects and caricatures, I can see how somebody without any close female figures in his life would be incapable of understanding that ladies are pretty chill and normal on the balance.
Remember, this isn't just social anxiety or general shyness: "I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes" is completely beyond the pale.
Definition of poopnoodle: A frat boy who sits around with other frat boys thinking of stupid/painful/degrading/dangerous/inane sexual acts (see: shocker, donkey punch) or ridiculous consequences of sex acts (see: poopnoodle) that they deem to be any of the above that they image gay men perform with each other or that he thinks would be 'hilarious' to surprise a woman with in middle of sex.
@63 - "#57, comment #56 is probably a lot less aggressive than you think."
I'd say it's more aggressive than _you_ think. Do you really think that trying to scold and berate people out of their genuinely felt phobias is an effective technique? Because that's what that post is doing. You might as well tell a depressed person "Just cheer the fuck up already, you whiner; lots of people have it worse than you."
AAA, meet some damned women! Join a mixed softball league or go to the book club at the library or something, anything, that has you talking to and with women - all kinds of women, not just ones you find attractive. Aim to make at least one third of your conversations in any given week with women, and no fair counting ordering your cheeseburger. Right now you can't see the trees for the forest.
I was very similar to AAA. I was a 34 year old virgin (not by choice) and only had a couple of first dates in my 34 years. I could talk to women but could not shift gears to dating talk. I would get incredibly nervous if I tried to shift gears, so I just quit. BTW, I am a fairly good looking guy. I thought I would never have sex and never get married. Then I met my future wife who was very aggressive. We have a great life and great conversations (and great sex).
AAA sounds a bit like me in my 30s. I was partly "cured" by just repeatedly diving into that freezing pool, no matter how painful.
The shrink method certainly works: years later during other therapy I could see my original problem: my dating awkwardness wasn't shyness at all. It was actually complicated ...but mostly huge buried anger over childhood abuse issues. Vy do you hate your mutter? Bingo.
AAA - an additional piece of advice for when you hire that escort...DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. A lot of awkward guys have a tendency to fall "in love" with the first woman who ever makes prolonged eye contact with them rather than really intelligently evaluating the nature of each relationship in terms of intimacy, interest, compatibility, etc., as they would if they were able to have contact with women on a regular, casual basis.
This notion that a man who's uncomfortable talking to women must be a raging sexist pig, who believes that women are a separate species, is absolutely ridiculous.
A man doesn't have to believe women are "different" from men in any significant way to be nervous about talking to women, but not nervous about talking to men. Because when a man talks to men, unless he's in a gay bar, he isn't going to be perceived as trying to pick them up. The same is true with women talking to men.
Approaching someone in a "romantic" way, which is what the letter-writer wants to do, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way. And approaching someone in a friendly way, when you believe that they might interpret your approach as a come-on, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way without having that fear.
I'm a gay man, and I feel very different about striking up a conversation with a man in a non-gay environment (ie, somewhere that isn't a gay bar, a pride parade, a party thrown by a gay friend with mostly gay people in attendance) than I do about striking up a conversation with a woman in the same environment. I find there's often a difference in how you're perceived in those situations.
One last thing - if you know nothing about social anxiety, or fear of romantic rejection, please refrain from giving advice to someone with these problems. Saying to the letter-writer, "Just talk to lots of women and you won't be bothered by it anymore," is sort of like saying to an alcoholic, "Just cut yourself off after you've had a few drinks, and you won't lose control."
im a 19 years old girl ....em looking fa date....but not straight date.....gay date....n its n ot just to hab sex n fun....fa da seek of friendship..........holla me bak nebody intrested...
For additional laughs check out the discussion section ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk: Creampie_%28sexual_act%29 ) of the Wiki listing for Creampie. Pages upon pages of folks discussing what is and is not a creampie and what should and should not be included due to poor taste (sorry, a bad pun).
@BDSM
Your letter sounds just like me, except that instead of reminding me of Clark Kent, my Bend Over Boyfriend looks like George Bush (except a very hot version).
When we broke up briefly I discovered that I was no longer vanilla but was not necessarily his kind of kinky. I was attracted to Tantra (sacred sexuality) and when we got back together I turned HIM onto it. Now half the time we play his games and half the time mine. We both think this has enhanced our sex lives.
Awkward, you unfortunately did not discuss your relationship with other men. Do you have good friends? If you do, that's good! You know how to build relationships with humans. 'Cause us girls, you know, we're humans first and girls second. If you don't believe me, go look at boy and girl babies - they're a lot more alike than they are different.
I'm going to add to Dan's sex worker advice. You don't need a girlfriend right now. What you need to do is make some female friends. Stop looking at all of them as girlfriends you can't have! Just talk to them. Join some clubs, if you have some introverted type interests, you need to do that type of stuff and if you're a geek, then meet some geeky people, some of whom will be girls. Make female friends you trust who will tell you then forgive you if you make conversational blunders and get used to talking to them. THEN you can test drive a date!
I definitely agree with Dan on the therapist thing. I'm sorry to snap judge, but you appear to have placed females on a Goddess pedastal, but perhaps a vengeful Goddess. Why does talking to us terrify you? What are we going to do to you? Have you ever seen a girl suddenly grab a weapon out of her purse and shoot a male who dared speak to her? I don't mean to be flip, but your fears may not be, to put it delicately, based in current reality. Talking about it may help you see that and dispel them.
I though #37's suggested definition for "poopnoodle" was brilliant, but #95's is good too. Life is so full of hard decisions...
Although, I suspect those human turds that come out only after already making a political career out of demonizing (or being complicit with demonizing) the LGBT community will just come to be known as "Mehlmans." (Or maybe just "Republicans"). Except for the ones who never come out. Those will be known as "larrycraigs."
AAA: If you aren't exaggerating about not having had any conversations with women, you need a lot of help. Add me to the people who think you don't "love women", you just love women's bodies. Which is a turnoff for a lot of women.
I like Dan's advice, but I also want to urge you to get used to talking to women in non-sexual situations. Try to get friendly with married/happily partnered women you don't find particularly attractive. Or lesbians. Or nuns. If it's clear to both of you that nothing romantic is going on, it will be easier to talk to them. Join a book club where you have to talk to women. Or take dance lessons where you have to touch them. Try to get used to thinking about the person inside that body. Then, after you've seen the shrink and the hooker, you will be much better positioned to meet women whose bodies turn you on, because you will be able to see both the body and the person. Trust me, it will make you much more interesting and desirable to women.
(My oh-so-proper widowed grandmother used to hire male escorts to escort her. She wanted someone to drive her to the theater, and to walk with her on the sidewalk, so she felt safe. She wanted male companionship that DIDN'T come with sexual demands. I'm certain she didn't break any prostitution laws or run much risk of getting busted.)
FIP: I love "middle of the night" sex. I'm not as tired as I am when I go to bed, and there's no deadline re catching a train or generally getting going for the day. It never occurred to me that it's "kinky", and I can't imagine that your partner will be freaked out by the kinkiness of it. Try telling him/her that if he's ever horny in the middle of the night, you'd love to be awakened by his caress. (Of course, if he sleeps like a log, you may just be out of luck.)
Is it just me or does anyone else think that its possible for AAA's issues to get even more warped if he's going to be getting his practice hanging out with escorts? First off, how would he even find a good one that meets his requirements? Seriously, therapist first - and with their blessing, go join some sports teams, volunteer, just get out there and do stuff thats fun. First and foremost make friends that are just friends.
Some of you should clearly be ashamed of yourselves.
Somebody with a serious problem confesses it here and either get's a 'get over yourself', a 'you're weird', a 'you're probably gay' or is even accused of being sexist and his sexism being the cause of why he doesn't talk to women? Come on.
A little bit more empathy would suit some of you and to the person accusing AAA of basically being a sexist pig: if in your world even guys who never had sex in their entire life and don't even talk to women are sexist (for what? for basically never bothering a single female out there?) you should reexamine your own belief system.
From my personal experience many people that suffer from that kind of crippling social anxiety really suffer from Aspergers, ADD or other disorders from the Autism spectrum and the depression and social anxiety are usually comorbidities of those disorders.
Not having sexual or even normal personal relationships is really not that unusual with that kind of disorders. From personal experience I know a lot of people - me being among them - who are basically not that much different from AAA but usually don't talk about it even with their closest friends for fear of exactly the reactions shown in this thread.
I'd suggest to go to a therapist but to one who as a real understanding and knowledge about Aspergers, ADD and other disorders. It doesn't mean you suffer from something like that but it spares you sinking more than five years in useless therapy - like I did - just because your therapist hasn't even heard about those disorders and their symptoms.
If you suffer from more than 'social anxiety', therapy alone will probably not help but has to be supported by medication to be effective.
And to those of you with all of that "vengeful goddess" and "pedestal" suggestions, it's not even close to that.
You could compare it more to someone suffering from a phobia. Someone who has a fear of flying doesn't think "I am not worthy of traveling with this divine machines" either. Relating and talking to unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations causes exactly the same kind of stress and panic as stepping into an elevator would for somebody that suffers from claustrophobia.
@81: If you'd follow the publications closely you'd know that ADHD is considered by many experts to be an Autism spectrum disorder.
There is strong evidence that this might be the case especially since the neurotransmitter deficiencies are similar in all of those disorders.
Even some symptoms correlate: like the reduced ability of the brain to cope with external stimulus that leads to sensory overload, hypersensitivity and hyperfokus.
Those symptoms are extremely pronounced in Autists, to the point that they have to shut out the external world completely in order to cope but ADD patients suffer from those symptoms albeit in a much milder form.
I have seen ADD patients that completely freaked out because somebody touched them and the sensory overload caused by todays world usually makes them to seek solitude and seclusion, something that often gets labelled as 'social anxiety' but is actually at least similar to the symptoms caused by other disorders from the autism spectrum.
If an undercover cop, posing as an escort, is hired and no sex is involved, where does the money end up going? Does the undercover cop get to keep it? Does it go back to the person who paid it? To the police coffers? The escort agency?
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/…
Not every guy who's a 30-year-old, awkward, gf-less virgin has Asperger's Syndrome....but some do. The results may help you understand yourself in ways you don't right now. Also, listen to Dan's advice - he's absolutely right.
poopnoodle- i do not underatnd you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
poopnoodle- i do not understand you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
Keep it up! The bing bang boom style will keep me coming back :)
Here's a really good link on what a cream pie is.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cream+pie
Let's ask the WHAT IF machine!
Fear it! Fear the poopnoodle!
Now I gotta figure out how to work fucking a tub of frosting into said novella.
This is one of the main reasons why pot remains illegal.
Also, I can think of nothing hotter than fondling someone out of slumber. Say it out loud & odds are your SO will be thrilled to have a green light.
Finally: A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV...brilliant!
however, #19's comment did make me LOL.
Dan's advice about seeing a shrink, sadly, is probably correct - although there's a limit to what medications can do in place of self-confidence. Otherwise, I think @14 has it right; AAA needs to do this the hard way. I've found it much easier to ask for dating advice from female friends; just make sure they're not going to gossip to all of their friends about the 30-year-old virgin they know.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Then, this morning, the morning wood did not go to waste!
Are you a "dominatrix" as such?
No.
You're just one guy's dream come true apparently ;-) (Well done, and enjoy your adventurous action together!)
The same might hold true (probably for less money) if you have a no-possibility-of-going-anywhere female friend (lesbian, happily married, whatever). Aspies in particular can be freaked out or upset by a completely "new" situation, so a low-pressure dress rehearsal, especially with someone willing to (gently) critique you afterward, can be invaluable.
Also, when you do feel ready for the real thing, you might try dating someone of a geekish persuasion. Even if she is not herself an Aspie, she's probably used to dealing with them (there is a significant overlap between sets), so she's less likely to be upset or freak out or otherwise reject you if you're a little awkward. Standard be-an-interesting-person advice applies, of course, but geeks often have somewhat different standards of "interesting", too.
You have to start by having conversations with women. This is NOT just a sex thing. This is a life thing. This could be a career thing. You've got to be able to talk to women because they're half the world.
Before you look into paying an escort, I'd actually try having conversations with women. Not picking up girls -- talk to your co-workers. Talk to your friends' girlfriends.
(If indeed it's "talking to women" that's your problem. From your letter I wasn't sure if you were exaggerating and you just freeze up when you see a woman you might be interested in. If it's that, then I guess do what I did -- screw up your courage, say some ridiculous thing, learn to do better next time. I actually asked the same guy out three times and the third time was the start of an incredible relationship. So mistakes really are the portals of discovery.)
But not once have I ever considered that anything but vanilla. I always thought it was sort of de rigueur - whoever woke up first got the party rolling.
Police stings don't work that way. The person responding to an ad for an escort (be it on CL, BackPage, etc.) is arrested generally upon arrival at the meeting location, as the ads are generally explicit enough that LE can charge you for even responding to the ad in person.
Stings involving street prostitutes work differently, in that the undercover police officer will absolutely not get in the John's vehicle, ever. Generally they obtain PC by repeatedly asking you "What do you want to do?" and "How much do you have?".
If you wish to seek out a escort, Get a membership in a escort review board that reviews escorts. And pick one that has great reviews and a proven and reasonably long track record. It's well worth the $50 bucks or so to sign up.
Escorts that have proven track records are definityly not cops and are great providers, pleasant fun and give great sex
can get it into a dictionary.
The fourth result I got was hilarious:
"Overbeating may cause cream pie to separate"
*snicker*
This guy does not sound like he's got Aspergers at all, particularly since it's only women that he's anxious about. He doesn't say any of the stuff that makes Aspergers special (such as he can't figure out how to identify what emotions other people are feeling). His complaint is not that he can't understand people, it's that he's terrified to be in the same room as women.
There's nothing in this letter to indicate Aspergers. It sounds more like a whole lot of anxiety, which is severely impacting his life, and is certainly cause to go see a shrink.
he's been seeing a therapist and recently learned a simple meditation, both of which help, especially with confidence. I have hopes he will emerge from this a happy, loving sexual being. Recommending therapy, Dan, is right on; "practice-dating" a sexworker is also a great idea.
While his "complaint" only addressed his problem with women, he is writing to a sex advice columnist - for advice about sex. I'm guessing most people who write to Dan wouldn't be asking for advice about stimming, meltdowns, problems managing eye contact, etc., so I wouldn't expect to see that level of detail in a question to Dan.
Look, if you'd like to read a ton of posts that sound astonishingly similar to AAAs, take a swing by the Wrong Planet website (online community for people on the spectrum). The "Love and Dating" forum is crammed with them.
@49, up to 40% of men diagnosed as "love shy" actually have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no idea about your friend, or about his therapist's level of knowledge on the subject. I'd encourage him to take the test. Depending on his AQ, he may want to get himself to a teaching hospital for an accurate diagnosis. Good luck.
#33, this is so off topic but Amy Tan's Hundred Secret Senses employed the alarm cock phrase too and I have loved it ever since then. I haven't read any of her books since high school... thanks for bringing her to mind. x)
But conversationally? They have minds, just like yours. Well, not like yours. Better than yours. Yours is full of stupid thoughts like "I can't talk to women".
poopnoodle, why
really wouldn't have it any other way
but when i first saw u couldn't hide my attraction,
girl u look like u can make my dreams come true
cuz what we share in secret glances and makes me wonder bout a brand new world with u
and why does the time crawl by
when i'm waiting waiting
for this lifetime of mine
to turn around
He still needs to see a shrink prolly, since that isn't as easy as saying "dude, snap out of it and just treat "women" as "people.""
But yes. I wonder if he has the same difficulties talking to women he does not find attractive, or if he ever even attempts to talk to women he doesn't find attractive.
Women are unquestionably different from men in terms of our cultural context. Because the sexes are treated differently by society and fiction tends to reduce women to objects and caricatures, I can see how somebody without any close female figures in his life would be incapable of understanding that ladies are pretty chill and normal on the balance.
Remember, this isn't just social anxiety or general shyness: "I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes" is completely beyond the pale.
I'd say it's more aggressive than _you_ think. Do you really think that trying to scold and berate people out of their genuinely felt phobias is an effective technique? Because that's what that post is doing. You might as well tell a depressed person "Just cheer the fuck up already, you whiner; lots of people have it worse than you."
AAA sounds a bit like me in my 30s. I was partly "cured" by just repeatedly diving into that freezing pool, no matter how painful.
The shrink method certainly works: years later during other therapy I could see my original problem: my dating awkwardness wasn't shyness at all. It was actually complicated ...but mostly huge buried anger over childhood abuse issues. Vy do you hate your mutter? Bingo.
Hilarity level of this week's letters: 11.
Best definition ever - make it official, Dan!
It's an entirely different condition.
And the LW could indeed have Asperger Syndrome, though based off of what he wrote, nobody could tell he does ---- or doesn't.
Obviously, the existence of the book does not equal fact... it's still in hypothesis stage...
She does make a compelling case, though.
A man doesn't have to believe women are "different" from men in any significant way to be nervous about talking to women, but not nervous about talking to men. Because when a man talks to men, unless he's in a gay bar, he isn't going to be perceived as trying to pick them up. The same is true with women talking to men.
Approaching someone in a "romantic" way, which is what the letter-writer wants to do, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way. And approaching someone in a friendly way, when you believe that they might interpret your approach as a come-on, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way without having that fear.
I'm a gay man, and I feel very different about striking up a conversation with a man in a non-gay environment (ie, somewhere that isn't a gay bar, a pride parade, a party thrown by a gay friend with mostly gay people in attendance) than I do about striking up a conversation with a woman in the same environment. I find there's often a difference in how you're perceived in those situations.
One last thing - if you know nothing about social anxiety, or fear of romantic rejection, please refrain from giving advice to someone with these problems. Saying to the letter-writer, "Just talk to lots of women and you won't be bothered by it anymore," is sort of like saying to an alcoholic, "Just cut yourself off after you've had a few drinks, and you won't lose control."
ADHD is NOT on the Autism spectrum. Read the DSM-IV, will you?
Or at least find a cited psychatric/pychological link to back up that claim.
Your letter sounds just like me, except that instead of reminding me of Clark Kent, my Bend Over Boyfriend looks like George Bush (except a very hot version).
When we broke up briefly I discovered that I was no longer vanilla but was not necessarily his kind of kinky. I was attracted to Tantra (sacred sexuality) and when we got back together I turned HIM onto it. Now half the time we play his games and half the time mine. We both think this has enhanced our sex lives.
I'm going to add to Dan's sex worker advice. You don't need a girlfriend right now. What you need to do is make some female friends. Stop looking at all of them as girlfriends you can't have! Just talk to them. Join some clubs, if you have some introverted type interests, you need to do that type of stuff and if you're a geek, then meet some geeky people, some of whom will be girls. Make female friends you trust who will tell you then forgive you if you make conversational blunders and get used to talking to them. THEN you can test drive a date!
I definitely agree with Dan on the therapist thing. I'm sorry to snap judge, but you appear to have placed females on a Goddess pedastal, but perhaps a vengeful Goddess. Why does talking to us terrify you? What are we going to do to you? Have you ever seen a girl suddenly grab a weapon out of her purse and shoot a male who dared speak to her? I don't mean to be flip, but your fears may not be, to put it delicately, based in current reality. Talking about it may help you see that and dispel them.
I thought Midori Ito was just a championship skater.
Although, I suspect those human turds that come out only after already making a political career out of demonizing (or being complicit with demonizing) the LGBT community will just come to be known as "Mehlmans." (Or maybe just "Republicans"). Except for the ones who never come out. Those will be known as "larrycraigs."
I like Dan's advice, but I also want to urge you to get used to talking to women in non-sexual situations. Try to get friendly with married/happily partnered women you don't find particularly attractive. Or lesbians. Or nuns. If it's clear to both of you that nothing romantic is going on, it will be easier to talk to them. Join a book club where you have to talk to women. Or take dance lessons where you have to touch them. Try to get used to thinking about the person inside that body. Then, after you've seen the shrink and the hooker, you will be much better positioned to meet women whose bodies turn you on, because you will be able to see both the body and the person. Trust me, it will make you much more interesting and desirable to women.
(My oh-so-proper widowed grandmother used to hire male escorts to escort her. She wanted someone to drive her to the theater, and to walk with her on the sidewalk, so she felt safe. She wanted male companionship that DIDN'T come with sexual demands. I'm certain she didn't break any prostitution laws or run much risk of getting busted.)
FIP: I love "middle of the night" sex. I'm not as tired as I am when I go to bed, and there's no deadline re catching a train or generally getting going for the day. It never occurred to me that it's "kinky", and I can't imagine that your partner will be freaked out by the kinkiness of it. Try telling him/her that if he's ever horny in the middle of the night, you'd love to be awakened by his caress. (Of course, if he sleeps like a log, you may just be out of luck.)
Somebody with a serious problem confesses it here and either get's a 'get over yourself', a 'you're weird', a 'you're probably gay' or is even accused of being sexist and his sexism being the cause of why he doesn't talk to women? Come on.
A little bit more empathy would suit some of you and to the person accusing AAA of basically being a sexist pig: if in your world even guys who never had sex in their entire life and don't even talk to women are sexist (for what? for basically never bothering a single female out there?) you should reexamine your own belief system.
From my personal experience many people that suffer from that kind of crippling social anxiety really suffer from Aspergers, ADD or other disorders from the Autism spectrum and the depression and social anxiety are usually comorbidities of those disorders.
Not having sexual or even normal personal relationships is really not that unusual with that kind of disorders. From personal experience I know a lot of people - me being among them - who are basically not that much different from AAA but usually don't talk about it even with their closest friends for fear of exactly the reactions shown in this thread.
I'd suggest to go to a therapist but to one who as a real understanding and knowledge about Aspergers, ADD and other disorders. It doesn't mean you suffer from something like that but it spares you sinking more than five years in useless therapy - like I did - just because your therapist hasn't even heard about those disorders and their symptoms.
If you suffer from more than 'social anxiety', therapy alone will probably not help but has to be supported by medication to be effective.
You could compare it more to someone suffering from a phobia. Someone who has a fear of flying doesn't think "I am not worthy of traveling with this divine machines" either. Relating and talking to unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations causes exactly the same kind of stress and panic as stepping into an elevator would for somebody that suffers from claustrophobia.
There is strong evidence that this might be the case especially since the neurotransmitter deficiencies are similar in all of those disorders.
Even some symptoms correlate: like the reduced ability of the brain to cope with external stimulus that leads to sensory overload, hypersensitivity and hyperfokus.
Those symptoms are extremely pronounced in Autists, to the point that they have to shut out the external world completely in order to cope but ADD patients suffer from those symptoms albeit in a much milder form.
I have seen ADD patients that completely freaked out because somebody touched them and the sensory overload caused by todays world usually makes them to seek solitude and seclusion, something that often gets labelled as 'social anxiety' but is actually at least similar to the symptoms caused by other disorders from the autism spectrum.