Columns Sep 9, 2010 at 4:00 am



Three words: Maple-scented-candles!!
As long as you're ok with potential lactation, ORGASM, fenugreek seeds are known to make people smell bizarrely of maple syrup......
Being vegan myself, I'm going to ignore Dan's comment, but suggest a juicer. Smoothies, too, are awesome. Eat solid meals when the mistress isn't around, though. Eating vegan meals wouldn't hurt either.
why not just drizzle a little over her the lick it off and inhale her and the syrups and her aroma all mixed into one happy new fetish
good sex is usually hot and sticky
Oh, ORGASAM, I hope you don't ever lose your sense of smell! Please don't smoke or snort anything up there or you'll be up shit creek when you get older. Pray to god you don't ever get radiation treatment or chemo, and be wary with some other medical treatments as well.

Other than that, I'd say that sweet food + sex barely registers as kinky any more and I doubt many new partners would bat an eye at it -- it's on par with using a silk blindfold. After a few times, they'll notice a pattern and you can 'fess up and make light of it. Just make sure if you sleep with women that you don't ever let any syrup get inside her pussy (she'll get an infection) and you're golden.
Hey, ORGASM, have you tried to pick up chicks who work in maple syrup factories? You just need to move to Quebec or wherever. Or make up more interesting fetishes.
If your partner isn't cool with it and you can't make a mess, just dab a bit under your nose (like over your lips). You'll smell it the whole time and your partner will barely notice it. Plus there's no sticky mess to clean up later.
Dan, you're getting pretty lazy in your dotage.
For SSF:
Please see the recipe for the Special Management Diet Prison Loaf at…

For Dan:
Please see the prize-winning vegan cupcakes at…
Vegan reader saaaad...


Beans, rice, and some sort of baby formula cooked into gruel would probably work.

And I eat quite well, thank you very much.

Pretty sure Seeking Slave Food is looking for Nutraloaf:
@1, maple syrup scented candles were exactly what I was thinking. Here's a particularly good one:…
After all, burning candles doesn't exactly count as a kink; it might even score him some romance points early on in the relationship, and then he can add more explanation as they get more comfortable with each other.
Wow, I normally don't take offense at throwaway comments you make, Dan, but sheesh. Vegan eating isn't bland and isn't tasteless. Vegetables, when cooked properly (and when gotten *FRESH* from a GARDEN!!!), are absolutely delicious. There are plenty of foods that taste fine without meat or dairy (in fact, taste better for it). In fact, I've found I taste more subtleties in food since I've stopped eating meat. My mom's been cooking vegan meals for nearly 15 meals, and they are restaurant quality and better. It's this kind of throwaway comment that makes defending my lifestyle choice (vegetarian, technically, but still) so difficult. Since people assume that one can't eat good non-meat food, I have to be doing it for some activist reason, and I'm NOT and can't even ARGUE the position since it's just taste preference.
Just get her some Maple Syrup perfume:…
I am also angry that Dan Savage should dare direct a joke in my direction. I don't want to be angry, it's just obligatory these days, isn't it? If you don't get angry when someone makes a joke about your sex/sexual preference/colour/dietary preferance then you're not a *real* man/furry/Asian/fruitarian. And I assure you I am real. I have a reflection in the mirror. Therefore I am angry. Bad Dan.
Dan -

I'm a long time reader (over 10 years!) and I usually think that your advice is spot-on. However, the vegan comment was uncalled for. While I agree that vegetarian restaurants used to produce nothing short of flavorless gruel (some 20 odd years ago), vegan food has made huge strides since then. I dare you to take your husband out for a nice meal at Millennium next time you're in San Francisco :)

Just fill up an emptied bottle of poppers with maple syrup and huff at it!
Mix something up using Ensure or a similar drink. All the nutrients you need in a chalky, slightly-sickening liquid. Mix with whatever as needed if you want to make it grosser, but it's a perfect base.
Isn't there a factory in Northern NJ somewhere that puts out a maple syrup smell from time-to-time? You could move there and just wait for the smell to happen.

Tofu for SSF
Brazzers works fine on my iPhone
I have to agree with the readers suggesting scented candles and meal-replacement drinks to those respective letters. I'm actually a bit surprised Dan didn't think of either of those things.

For the slop letter, I think the food replacement category is a great place to start. In addition to the Ensure and baby formula suggestions, stuff like Slim Fast and Boost would probably also work, provided it tastes as awful to you as it does to me. Maybe you could get creative and mash up some gross-tasting protein bars into it. If you're making it in a blender, you could even grind in vitamin pills as needed, add some of those flavorless fruit/vegetable supplement pills, and you'd be good to go. I'm starting to imagine that white mash from The Matrix that supposedly contains "everything the body needs."

If all that stuff is too expensive, an alternative would be to google "superfoods" and get creative with your combinations. Because while most superfoods are pretty good independently, they sound mostly disgusting if imagined mashed together:……
Primate chow! Think outside the human box.....

Dan's advice to AIASP was absolutely spot on and had me yelling "that's right! that's right!" at my iBook. Except that it was sad to see the myth of domestic violence as a predominantly male crime. It isn't.
@25 except for the fact that it is
predominantly, anyway
You know, Dan, vegans have nearly as poor a sense of humor as fat people and angry polys, right? And I'm saying this as a lifelong vegetarian, too, so it's not like I'm a PETA-bashing, flesh burning, blood dripping carnivore either.
ORGASM needs to look into cooking his lady friends some dishes with the herb/spice fenugreek, which will make them smell overpoweringly like maple syrup for days after consumption.
For a flavorless mush that is also highly nutritious, I would suggest a gruel made from a complete grain such as quinoa. Just cook the living hell out of it till its nothing but a mush. You could use rice to the same effect, which is actually a dish called congee...But quinoa would have more nutritional value. Meal replacement shakes actually have flavors, which it seems you are to be denied as a slave, so they might only be used occaisionally in your case (as a means of reward perhaps)...
Purveyors of fine pornography often transcode their videos to mpeg4 even if they don't have a mobile interface. Kink, explicite-art, ishotmyself, beautiful agony, Abby winters, and even you porn are all viewable on the iPhone.
Exactly, pitchfork wielding mob!

Dan, often times the vegan or vegetarian dishes are as good or better than any other offering.
oh stfu you silly vegans. I am vegan too and that line made me guffaw. way to perpetuate the stereotype of over-earnestness. grow up already.
Dear self-hating vegans:

Other vegans' opinions aren't your responsibility.


You can buy maple syrup scented fragrance/perfume oils as well. You could try wearing one yourself, ORGASM, or scent your pillows with one.
Jesus Christ, would you whiney vegans just shut the fuck up and take a joke already?

Plus, vegan food would make a good slave slop because meat goes rancid too quickly.
Dan, deeply shocked by your comments to AIASP. Is it not accepted now that the only way to approach the slightest possibility of sexual contact is to get medical & psychometric tests done on both parties, prepare legally binding consent forms in triplicate & get them signed, and arrange for a panel of 3 independent witnesses who ensure that consent continues during the act? Shame on you.

To AIASP, grow up a bit and learn; it's his choice if he wants to speak out against your disgraceful harrassment. In case you missed out on your women's studies, according to Robin Morgan, rape exists anytime intercourse takes place when it has not been initiated by the womon out of her own genuine affection and desire.

Personally, I think your thoughts around whether you should move out are associated with wanting to stop the toe-curling squirming, so this is just self-justification with nominally noble and PC rationalisation.

To ORGASM, I wonder if you want more choices, whether you could associate other smells/triggers. The way you could work this is to practice adding other stuff (e.g. vanilla) to the regular syrup smell. Then reduce the syrup till you've got a brand new - and possibly easier to arrange - trigger.
Veganism should be classified as an eating disorder alongside anorexia. And vegans should be classified as bible-thumpers without the book or the sense of humor.

Humans need animal proteins to stay healthy. Being a strict vegan means either being constantly ill or constantly taking dietary supplements. I've seen this in far too many people.
Not too surprisingly, protein shows up in things besides meat. Peanut butter, chickpeas, soymilk, whole wheat bread, lentils, soy milk, nuts, etc.

Meat just happens to be more convenient for most because it requires less preparation if you are into traditional meal.

That aside, it was a joke people, lighten up for chrissakes.
Yeah Dan! The difference is the context of living in a world of male sexual violence where women are more at risk of being the target than men are!! I can't believe her women's studies classes didn't cover that! C'mon everyone, this was a stellar response, forget about the vegan thing, its not like he didn't know exactly what kind of reaction it was going to provoke.
Vegan answer FTW. Totally unsurprising that it pissed some off, the lack of nutrients to the brain damages the sense of humor (kidding! Don't stab me with celery!!!).

SFTSLAFI I don't kow the iPhone but I know the iPod Touch. If you can freely upload music to your iPhone I'm guessing you can probably freely upload videos, in the proper format.

So here's what you do. You download porn onto your computer. You then slog (ejem) through a tutorial on how to convert the video. There are various pages out there that can explain the proper video formats and there is free video conversion software. Here are a few quick links:……

I hope you have a decent computer, because video conversion is a bit of a pain that tends to monopolize resources. When I was more into it I used to leave it going at night. Good luck!

Vegans deserve to be ridiculed, this from a land scaper with a green house! I've often wondered if vegans taste good, and that's not an oral sex reference. My wife was a vegetarian when we met and the first thing I asked her about it was you're not one of those vegan people are you? She wasn't and I tolerated vegetarian meals she was sweet enough to feed me. I wouldn't want to live w/o enslaving holstein's and guernsey's and enjoying cheese! Hare Krishnas even eat cheese and other milk products too.
Hilarious - the vegan high dudgeon is even better than the original joke. Great advice to AIASP.

On a completely different note: I'm curious how many other posters have ever had success with reversing a trend of increasingly bad sexual chemistry with a partner? I'm engaged to someone and while it's never been great, there was a bit of a spark at the beginning - enough to persuade me that we just needed to get to know each other's bodies better. Instead, it's gotten progressively worse and feels "tone deaf". Yes, before you ask: I have tried to communicate about it, subtly at first and finally, much more directly.

I'm about ready to break things off based on this alone - and truly, the rest seems pretty darn good. I have been in an LTR with bad sex before, and it didn't get better. I feel like you've either got it or you don't. I'm a considerate partner, and really try to get her off, but I am losing my own arousal and not getting off.
I`ve been a Vagan for 20 years now and found Dan`s comment absolutely hilarius......
1) Answer to the first question was amazing! Excellent insight.

2) The vegan comment sucked. Vegan food is more inventive/innovative by far, by necessity, and improving daily. BTW, I am a vegan, middle-aged, with a much better body than most teenagers or 20-girls -- without trying.

3) Interesting and funny that the vegan comment should stir up so much. But it's the 1st time I'm commenting.
ORGASM might want to investigate some of the more nichey ladies' fragrances out there. Annick Goutal's Sables has a very strong maple syrup note, which comes from the use of the immortelle flower. (It's not to everybody's taste, but it sure as hell smells like maple syrup.) You can search for other fragrances with that note in the database at With a bit of luck, you might be able to satisfy your maple syrup craving *and* make yourself look thoughtful with a nice gift of perfume.
Forget about debating the merits of vegan cuisine; let's debate the merits of slavery as a relationship model. I mean, I enjoy being tied up, pissed on, and flogged as much as the next kinkster, but when someone blithely declares that their mistress has decided to switch them over to a diet of slave gruel . . . well, that raises a bit of a red flag for me.
@45: "BTW, I am a vegan, middle-aged, with a much better body than most teenagers or 20-girls -- without trying."

I think if you need to overhaul/manage your dietary habits in order to be in shape (as you're implying), that counts as "trying." Also, I'm sick of women equating "nice body" with "healthiness." You can be as thin as a stick and be incredibly out of shape (as my mom still is and I once was ... now I'm fat as well as out of shape).

SSF: Congee? I love congee, but it can made terribly bland if need be.

crying vegans = black kettles ?
Most boring colum ever - and I'm with #33. Way to own that stereotype, vegans. And I love vegan food.
dear maple syrup lover, taking the herbal supplement fenugreek makes one smell like maple syrup. the odor is excreted in sweat and urine and taking the supplement, or someone else taking it, might provide an aroma that helps stimulate arrousal. or, you could date the local IHOP staff!
maple syrup lover- taking the herb fenugreek makes one smell like maple syrup. Alternately, try dating the local IHOP staff!
I'm still dying to get the rest of AIASP's story!Did the "I can't sleep in my own room" ploy work? Did he let you share his bed? What all did you do that was 'throwing yourself' at him?

You sound like you feel guilty, but have not given us the (juicy) details of your guilt!

Ok, so I'm just pruriently curious...

and it sounds like your roomie is an adult who is capable of saying 'no' if he wants to... so... did he?

what happened?!?
Vegans like myself need to understand that meat eaters don`t find the idea of veganism the least bit appealing. It would be like trying to convince me to try being gay.No thanx
Okay I'm a veg and I thought Dan's comment was hilarious. Lighten up people, and accept that some vegan food tastes seriously awful.

Also, because many vegans are very health-conscious vegan food does tend to be highly nutritious, just as our Slave asked for.
Spirulina, it's eatable algae and it's claimed to be really good for you. I know of hardcore backpackers who eat it nearly exclusive on long trips because they can carry so much of it. It also tastes like what it is, dried out pond scum. It's also a filler in fish food. If that isn't slave food I don't know what is.
YouPorn is a good streaming site that I know is at least iPad friendly for playing in the browser. One would assume since it's the same platform that it would play on the iPhone as well.

Also, it has something for everyone.
I thought the vagn comment was hilarious. I honestly laughed out loud. Dan could just as easily written "Are there any McDonald's in your area." It was an appropriately snarky response to a rather lame letter -- the original writer could have easily found the answer with about 10 minutes with Google.
@16 Check ! Have you really taken a close look at the 'reflection' in the mirror ? Are you certain that it is the original 'You' and not an alien construct ? Just because you still have sex does not mean that 'They' have not got to you. :)
I'm exclusively a veggie eater and I thought Dan's comment was really funny. If you (or I, in this case) are going to do something as silly as refusing to eat animal products, we should expect people to make fun and have a sense of humour about it.
ORGASM should check out Aveda's line of jewelry that allows you to soak a little sponge that goes inside a bauble on a necklace, or earrings. Great scented gift for the sig other, or himself! Or there are those snifter rings with a place inside to store fragrance (some maple sugar, maybe?)
The mistress should serve him Nutraloaf. It's what prisons serve inmates to punish them - barely nutritious, totally unpalatable. Recipes abound.…
All this sturm und drang over the vegan comment is really cracking me up. Way to fit neatly into your stereotype, vegans. I would never force-feed you meat, just as (I hope) you would never try to impose your dietary restrictions on me. And as you can call me a patriarchal power-structure-perpetuating carnivore who enslaves our animal brothers for his sick desires, I can call your food tasteless slop. Because words are wind.
Yay, iPhone cribbage!!
"vegan restaurants"! That was fucking hilarious.

To ORGASM-- A saucier of maple syrup on a hot plate in the bedroom should raise no objections.

I mean, it's not like you're using an offensive smell such as vomit, feces, or Jovan.
Two things:

1) a lot of Vegan/vegetarian food does taste awful. Seriously. Have you ever been to the Naam in Vancouver, BC? Possibly one of the worst dining experiences I've ever had. (three words: chocolate robitussin cake).

2) Vegans probably wouldn't be upset if they weren't made the butt of every fucking lazy writer's dietary joke regimen.

In short: yes, vegans need to lighten up a bit. Alternatively, writers need to come up with something more clever than "hur hur, it's funny cuz dey don't eat meatz!"
I miss my vegan roommate :( He made the best food. I'm a boring omnivore.
@26: Sexual violence is a predominantly male crime. Domestic violence is not. It's probably true that there are more women who get the shit beaten out of them by men than vice versa, i.e. that men are likely to do more extensive physical damage. But there's pretty ample evidence that when it comes to initiating domestic violence, it's close to 50/50. And that doesn't even touch the realm of non-physical abuse, in which women are more than competitive.
cvilletop @43: when sex has been really good, and then it gets into a rut, you can get the sex back to really good again. But if the connection was never really there ("never been great"), there's nothing to work with. What you thought was a spark was the new relationship energy, but the sexual chemistry sounds like it was missing from the beginning.

That said, I'm not sure what "really try to get her off" means. Is she having an orgasm? Do you know? Does she know how to orgasm? Sounds like neither of you is coming, which is for sure a major sign of something wrong. If you've tried communicating explicitly about this, and that didn't help, then yeah, end this relationship so you can both go find someone you click with, in bed as well as out.
The guy tells a reader to eat vegan, and this pisses off the vegans? Really?
"But much more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent"

Going to repeat myself here (but hey the letter is a repeat SLLOTD, so one repeat deserves another)...

So, your behavior did not reflect "active consent," eh? In other words, you didn't "consent" to your own actions? Is it dawning on you yet how batshit crazy that sounds?

I hope your Womyns' Studies teacher makes you do a remedial essay to sort out your concepts.

What you did is, you got drunk enough to do something that you regret the following morning. You don't get to wriggle out of responsibility for your own actions by claiming to be too drunk to consent to your own stupid ideas. Of course you consented -- you initiated, and you followed through.

Unless someone has implanted a chip in your spinal column and is running you by remote control, you actively consented to whatever happened that night by actively pursuing it. You're the one who approached the roommate in the first place, you are the one who used a bogus excuse to get into his bed. You were sober enough to figure out that scheme and run it past the roommate. You are 100 percent as responsible as the drunk who "consents" to get behind the wheel and run his car into a building.

The person about whom "active consent" is a legitimate concern is the one on the receiving end of your actions. You should not be questioning whether your own behavior reflected active consent on your part with respect to your own actions; you should be worrying about whether HIS behavior reflected active consent to what you proposed.

Now, having said all that, Dan is right about the big picture. Relax, already. Your roommate is a big boy, and he can take care of himself. From his perspective, all you did was ask to fuck him. He's probably more disappointed that you decided to freak out over it and disavow everything the following morning.

As far as daydreaming about it, but never daring to try that while sober goes: why not? What exactly is so bad about roommates with benefits?
Re - Vegan comment: It's a one-liner, people. It was intended to be funny, if evil -- not accurate. Get over it.

Similar example:
Why do they call it "PMS?" Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

theres a condition where your sweat smells like maple syrup... just sayin...
Maple syrup urine disease FTW!
Dan, you need to come to my house for dinner sometime. I make a MEAN "chicken fried fake" (with bocca burgers..otherwise, just like my Texas Granny taught me, vegan cream gravy, mashed 'taters and all. The meat is really the least vital component...secret's in the batter and preparation). Yes, I thought the joke was hilarious, and I've had my share of nasty, bland vegan (and non-vegan) food. Not at MY house, though. I've fed many a non-veg seconds and thirds (some who didn't even notice they were eating vegan). Just saying. No inherent reason for vegan food to be bad. :)
Has anyone mentioned yet?
ORGASM, you should get a scented candle, but you could also get a candy flavoring extract like LorAnn which would be strong and sugar-free.
When I first began dating my wife 17 years ago, she was in high school and working at the local Tim Hortons. I'd pick her up at the end of her shift and she would literally smell like a donut. It was great. She left Tim Hortons when she was done high school, and while I miss that smell about her, I'm still capable of performing just fine for the last 16 years. How long was this guy masturbating to Mrs. Butterworth? I would tend to blame this guy's death grip on his penis while masturbating than Aunt Jemima.
@7 FTW! A little dab of maple syrup on your upper lip or right inside your nostril and you will be good to go.
And here I was expecting the womens studies comment to get all the rage...

Try the Army's MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat). Chock full of calories, bland as sand, and they come with a moist towelette to clean up any messes.
I hope that SSF's Mistress has him on a strict, fitness trainer approved, exercise make him a lean, mean, sex-slave machine. With that in mind, how about this recipe:

For 1 serving

Cook 1 3-4 oz boneless skinless chicken breast in a covered saucepan with a little water. A pressure cooker would be even better, follow the directions that come with the cooker. Do not use salt or any other seasonings. Note that many chicken breasts could be cooked at once ahead of time, refrigerated, and used as needed.

Chop the cooked breast into smallish pieces and put into a blender pitcher. Add about 12-20 oz unflavored soy milk, you can adjust the amount of liquid for the proper slop consistency. Some water could also be added later if it is too thick. Add 2 teaspoons of good quality liquid fish oil, (not the capsules). Add a couple scoops of unflavored, unsweetened, good quality whey powder, read the label for the serving size. Then add a handful of random raw veggies, (carrots, broccoli, sprouts, etc.). Finally, add a portion of Life Extension Mix Powder, read the label for the correct amount. A couple of servings of a fiber supplement 2x a day would not be a bad idea.

Blend until smooth. Serve in a trough or feed-bag.
iphone porn site:

(yep, that's a url)
EricaP @69 - Thanks - this is what I'm thinking too: that the initial spark was just new relationship. I've actually suggested that in our conversations.

I'm not positive she's having an orgasm every time she seems to be - I really wondered (at the beginning) if the miraculous and rare simultaneous orgasm was for real. I opted for not over-analyzing. I feel like the chemistry may have been off from the get-go and our method of BC (condoms) combined with her preferred 'motion' (lots of grinding, very little in-and-out) is killing me. Let's not even talk about my frustrations with explaining how HJs and BJs could be improved (ooh, yes, more like that). I have tried repeatedly trying to get feedback on my own technique, without success, but I'm not sure I'm really doing it for her either.

I think I needed someone to tell me what I already know: this is not going anywhere. I've been trying to light a fire for a year, time to get some fresh kindling.
The vegan comment was funny.

As an omnivore who loves food but eats very little meat, I'd just like to point out that yes, vegan food can be bad. And so can poorly cooked food that includes meat. And if you're ever in Edinburgh, I highly recommend this place: I had a fantastic meal there, and it just happened to be vegan.
The herbal supplement Fenugreek is used by women to increase their breastmilk supply when breastfeeding. You know you're taking enough when your B.O. smells like maple syrup.

I suggest that ORGASM hit the health food store and stock up on Fenugreek. If he takes it himself, he can have his fetish close at hand (or close at armpit!) at all times. If he gets into a relationship, maybe he can get his partner to take it.

And if someone also has a lactation fetish, so much the better.
I think Dan was saying to go to a Vegan restraunt to get ideas for food options
@1 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. It'll come across as romantic and thoughtful, even. Way to turn a hang-up into a plus!

(Though I agree with Dan. I don't see why it's a problem, and I'm not sure I believe the guy.)
Yeah, I second YouPorn for iPhone-friendly porn sites. Some of the videos are flash and won't work, but I was happily surprised to find the site worked when I first got my iPod Touch.
There are quite a few Mobile Porn sites that are available, some are good and some aren't.
AS it's where i work i lean towards iPinkvisual(dot)com and our related sites, but Kink(dot)com has a very nice one and so do some others.
A while back I sorted quite a few for Seego(dot)com which is a free directory we put up for mobile sites a while back.

Of all the jokes that Dan makes in his columns, I find it a bit silly that the vegan comment has generated such response.
Anyone who is offended by that comment shouldn't be reading this column.
Grr argh obligatory vegan rage! Way to make us look bad, crazies. Yes, vegan food is delicious, we'll outlive all the meat eaters, we'll all be superhot at 60 without trying - we know the truth, so shut your traps.

Seriously though, Slave should eat some lovely plain uncooked tofu. High protein, delightfully gelatinous and bland - it's a form of sadism all its own.
Why do vegans care so much about what other people think? If it's the best way to eat, then you live to be 100 and we rot in our tallow-drenched carcasses.

Of course, the truth is, it's a cult. To be a vegan and eat the shit they eat, you have to have lost your mind at some point.

And yes, I do have sausages as my thumbnail, for totally unconnected reasons. LOL

If your relationship is as unfulfilling outside the bedroom as it is inside the bedroom, then yeah, I agree that it's time to hang up and try again. But if there's something there worth salvaging, then the specific problems you described seem like they might be surmountable. Perhaps you could try switching to another form of birth control? (If hormonal birth control isn't an option, there are always diaphragms and IUDs). And I could be wrong, but I'd guess that your girlfriend prefers grinding because it stimulates her clit. She might be more enthusiastic about in-and-out pumping if she were being stimulated manually at the same time, or if she were wearing one of those little hands-free vibrators designed for use during intercourse. (A vibrator could also help make sure that she's getting off every time.)

Granted, it sounds like you're suffering from a general lack of chemistry and failure of communication, so the situation might be beyond repair. But hey, random sex advice is always good, y/y?
Cribbage!?! Really cribbage, I love cribbage! I love Dan more all the time.
@85, @96: Women who need a lot of "grinding" to get off are the equivalent of men who need a deathgrip on their cocks in order to come. Some people think that it stems from masturbation habits that lead to desensitization; other people think lack of sensitivity leads to those habits in the first place. It's hard to identify cause vs. effect.

My experience is that women who fit this pattern frequently have low orgasmic intensity and below-average sexual desire. My own hunch is that this is because they're reaching orgasm through tension rather than relaxation, and there's a pretty sizeable body of work suggesting that muscular tension inhibits sexual pleasure. Certainly, the most orgasmic women I've known don't tense up, clench their teeth, etc. You literally feel less when your muscles are tense: think of how we respond to feeling cold, or pain, or stress.

Being a good lay isn't just about technique or being GGG; it's also about being able to reach orgasm relatively easily and with a variety of positions/methods, so that your partner is gratified by your pleasure (and vice versa). If you can't do that, and everything has to be "just so" or it falls apart, sex starts to feel like work for the other person. Our culture doesn't really have a way of talking about that, because we view sex as a male performance in which the woman's ecstasy is the barometer of the man's success. But it takes two to tango.
@26: Some research (particularly studies that look at clinical cases or gain participant samples from women's shelters) states that intimate parter violence is committed by male partners against female partners.

Community-based samples indicate that in heterosexual relationships, females commit violence at a slightly higher rate than males. In these samples, partners are often both committing violence and having violence committed against them. As well, female partners have reported that, when being the first person to aggress, it was overwhelmingly for reasons unrelated to fear of imminent attack by the male partner and often because they knew the male partner would NOT hit back.

Stating that intimate partner violence is predominately committed by males also ignores the fact that this violence occurs in female same-sex relationships. Though I haven't looked at this specific research in a couple of years, studies that I read that examined both female and male same-sex relationships indicated that females reported more violence (physical, emotional, and sexual) in their relationships than did the males.

In short? Males may be the ones WITH dicks in relationships, but aren't the only ones that act like dicks.
@98, well, for those of us who are GGG and like sex but have always had trouble coming without lots of clit stimulation (mostly, by Hitachi vibrator), and would like to come more readily... Do you have experience with teaching women like us to relax into our orgasms, or literature that has been effective? I can relax, or I can come, but I don't see how to relax and come. Constructive advice appreciated.
Screw you Dan. I'm done reading you and your paper, and this is after 15 years of reading your column and The Stranger - before you were editor, before you were famous, when you were only "Hey Faggot". Being an asshole might be a good attribute for an advice columnist, but it does not make you a good person. For someone upset about not having the same rights as everyone else, you are certainly more than happy to ridicule anyone who doesn't agree with you or your lifestyle. So, have fun insulting vegans, poor people, smokers, the overweight... and anyone else that might not fit into your superficial framework. Maybe you need to spend some time in someone else's shoes before you continue to pass judgment on everyone else.

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