Columns Sep 23, 2010 at 4:00 am

Give 'Em Hope

Comments

104
OMG bless you guys SO HARD for this. I know I was terrified of being gay when I was in high school because I saw the things that happened to other kids who were either gay or just feminine guys and I hid who I was until just recently. THANK YOU. I could have used this while I was younger and I will be doing my best to submit my own video with my partner if she's willing.

I can't say thank you to you both enough.
105
Dan this is beyond wonderful that you put this project together. It's a great idea and also awesome that you got your camera shy boyfriend Terry to be in the video with you. awesome awesome.
106
@94 Kudos to you for taking your son's bullying seriously. We experienced that with our oldest, and it's heartbreaking to watch sweet kids gets knocked down physically and emotionally. We did the same thing you did (homeschooled briefly, switched schools), but he still looks back on that bullying as a horrible, life-shaping experience. I wish kids had the power people do in the workplace, to launch complaints against harassment.
107
I agree with Sir Vic's suggestion. Kids need to hear that being a bully will only make you end up feeling worse and worse. Hate is ridiculously self destructive.

I am happy to see that you came up with such a great idea for the gay kids. I hope that it will reach everyone.
108
I agree with Sir Vic's suggestion. Kids need to hear that being a bully will only make you end up feeling worse and worse. Hate is ridiculously self destructive.

I am happy to see that you came up with such a great idea for helping the gay kids going through such a rough time in their lives. I hope that it will reach everyone. Cause lord knows anyone who is being bullied needs to hear that life will get better.
109
*Rub out the vote!*
110
To 102: Unfortunately, the bullies do not feel worse. They go on to be successful. Meanwhile, the people who are bullied may not see their lives get better. Just an add-on to stuff other people have said: not everyone who gets gay-baited is actually gay. The Columbine shooters experienced this repeatedly, even though they were, by all accounts, straight.
111
Dan, you are incredible. I got all teary eyed. Thanks to you and Terry for being willing to do this!
112
I love love love love love the It Gets Better Project!!!
113
You're wonderful! It's heartbreaking that kids still get bullied so badly they lose the desire to keep living... I added it to my facebook and various links I likely shouldn't have but it's helpful! If there's anything else we straights can do to help with this let us know!
114
I fucking adore you Dan! Thanks for setting up that utube channel. It will have an impact. xxx
115
i'm proud of you dan.. i'm proud of you terry.. and i can't tell you how extraordinarily grateful i am to have lived long enough to see this in the world. thanks
116
My son Marcus and I watched this together and both agreed that it's a good idea. It's good to see such a big response. Keep it up!
117
Completely addicted to your podcast.

I've posted a link to the IGB Channel on my facebook and sent messages to every LGBT person I know so that they can participate and spread the word.

What a wonderful, wonderful project.
118
Dan, you are a role model of a magnificent caliber. Thank you to you and your husband for sharing your video and launching this project. This has already made an impact, and I look forward to watching it grow. This project is creating hope and support. It is invaluable.
119
Great work, Dan.

That is all.

Oh, and keep it up.
120
Dan, I wish you would tell us, the straight allies, how to help, too. Other than the fact that my little apartment family (a straight guy, a gay guy, and me - a straight girl) bends the gender rules to the extreme and welcome anyone for who they are. But how do I help? How do I say, we're in Cambridge which is possibly one of the best places to be gay in the USA, but we still want to fight for equality? Sometimes it's hard just to figure out what's best to do.
121
Thank you so much for creating this video! i have (in the past) tried to commit suicide because people bulled me (im lesbian) and they have also told me to go kill myself...thankfully my christian church supports me and helped me through those rough times. This video was a wonderful idea and i think it should be played across America=)
122
I truly believe that this is the most amazing and influential video on the internet. In the past, I tried to commit suicide due to bullying (I am a lesbian) and my christian church helped me through it. I believe that this video should be played all across America, and that every Gay, Bi, Lesbian, Transgender, Queer, etc. person should watch and benefit from it=) Keep up the good work!
123
my bad...i thought the first post did not go through lol
124
Bravo Dan. Your best idea yet.
125
Dan (and Terry) - Even if nobody else had posted their own "It Gets Better" videos, yours alone would've been sufficient. It has the power to help countless gay/lesbian youth. It made me laugh and cry, and I am WAY beyond my teen years! Thank you so much for doing this - You may never know the lives you'll save with this one act of courage, love and caring.
126
I am not masturbating to Christine O'Donnell. If I had to masturbate to her, I might have to agree with her that masturbating is self abuse. Of course now, I probably won't be able to keep her out of my head. If I accidentally think of her even once now while masturbating, I'm blaming you.
127
with your amount of media exposure and your general awesomeness quotient amongst the gay and straight of this nation, added to the power of youtube... you have formed a voltron of endless possibility and reach. may your gay blade cut through the land, slaying all homophobia and dumbassery that meets its edge. history is on your side. lzr eyes!
128
I didn't know who you were before coming across your It Gets Better video on the internet, but I am so glad I did.
I'm thirteen, I'm a girl, and I'm still figuring out my sexuality. My family isn't the most supportive one out there, and I don't really have any ''friends'' I can count on, so seeing your video really gave me hope. I'm always telling people that their life is going to get better, that everything will be okay, but, honestly, I've never really believed it myself. I know that there are reasons for me to keep living, that my future is going to be worth it, and I've always believed that, but lately, the option of giving up had become a much more plausible one than before. I felt weak, and alone, and unimportant. I started watching this video thinking it would be just another generic ''suicide is not the answer'' thing, but it wasn't. It was honest, and real, and I was crying halfway through it. It made me realize that I can, and will, lead a happy life when I'm older, regardless of who I love, and lifestyle I choose to live. It made me find hope, and I know that if I can hope, and dream, I can acheive anything. I can't thank you enough, really.
You've made a difference in a teenager's life.
Thank you.
129
@102, 107, and 108

I went to a little cow college for my first year of school, and I was on very good terms with the shitkickers, rednecks and jocks. Don't think for a minute that they lose sleep over hounding social outcasts to death. They don't. They're fundamentally tribal, and if you aren't in the tribe, you aren't a person.
130
Awesome idea Dan. And props to the commenter that prompted it.
131
I think you should have led off with the letter about Billy Lucas, Dan. It is such a terribly important topic, and the response you offered was really terrific. I am shocked at the degree of homophobia still present in our society, even some squeamishness from my own progressively raised teenagers. Being a teen sucks even for the most well-adjusted child. No young man should have to live with the agony Billy did, and no mother should have to cut her son's body down from the rafters. It makes me sick to think about.
132
Dan, such a great idea. Your video was terrific and honest. And I never knew how hot your husband is.
133
I accidentally happen to come across one of your you tube videos. And after that, I spent an entire day watching them. You talks are honest, direct and crisp. Loved it.
134
Thank you so much, Dan! I've just watched some of the youtube videos, and needless to say I am sobbing! I'm telling every young person I know about this. Teenagers need to get this message.
135
@felipbc: I'm glad you didn't off yourself. You are beautiful! What church do you go to? I'm guessing it's a UCC church somewhere.
136
@120 Terrierchica: I know you're not asking me, but...I grew up in Cambridge, and as you say, it was gay friendly/left-wing friendly, etc., and I kind of assumed it was like that everywhere. Imagine my surprise upon moving away to discover that people considered being gay to be an issue, or worthy of derision. So, someday you may move (shudder) and you'll have plenty of chances to influence people around you. For the time being, what about volunteering in schools with an organization that promotes safe(r) sex/education? Even in a progressive community, the pack-mentality of the teen years can bring out some pretty unhealthy attitudes toward people who are different from the majority.
137
Regarding the Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day thing. I did my part today, but I could use a little help. Does anyone have any good pictures of her? Frankly, even photoshop fakes would be fine.
138
Loved this week's column Dan! I know it's personal bias but I've been missing the LGBT content over the past few weeks.

I can't think of a more worthy project, LGBT teens need access to role models. Looking back, it was the thing I lacked and most longed for growing up.
139
Loved this week's column Dan! I know it's personal bias but I've been missing the LGBT content over the past few weeks.

I can't think of a more worthy project, LGBT teens need access to role models. Looking back, it was the thing I lacked and most longed for growing up.
140
The It Gets Better Project is so logical, so helpful, so direct - well done Dan.
And what I love about it and why I think it will make a huge and positive difference is that it isn't selling or promoting a product, it's not made by someone running for office or re-election, it's not advocating only one option, it's not a government add that took 4 months, 12 research teams and 9 million dollars to produce and then subsequently gets trashed around the political parties. No no.
It's humanitarian and it's made with love and respect, and will be contributed to with love and respect.
141
Dan - I'm not gay, but I did have a fairly unhappy childhood. I was overweight, with truly awful nappy Jewish hair; I had a parent that I guess could be considered abusive, and from the time I was 15 until I was in my early 20s I don't think a day went by when I didn't think about killing myself. Today I have a wife and a beautiful son, and I make my living doing what I always wanted to do but never thought I could. When I look back at my late teens and early 20s, it seems more a matter of luck than anything else that I didn't kill myself (as it happens, the one night I drank enough to work up the courage to jump off the 15-story library building at my college the door was locked, and I ended up passing out and waking up hungover and locked in an unheated stairwell--in Rhode Island, in February). Your video made me cry and cry and cry. You and your husband have done a wonderful thing. I am sure you've heard that one of the cornerstone of Jewish ethics is the notion that saving one life is tantamount to saving the world. What you've done will save worlds upon worlds. Thank you.
142
Even reading about the itgetsbetter project makes me cry with happiness and hope. I think what happened to Billy Lucas is horrible, and anything that might prevent one more mother from finding their child like that is a huge help in this world. Those parents were too late in understanding the gravity of the situation, but Dan is right, we don't have to be.
143
Add another to the "Every day is Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day" pile. Sad that such a hottie is also such a crazy, but that's never stopped me before! (I have the worst relationship record)
144
You're doing a great job, Dan. It's such a nice thing to see your video and your sincere intitiative to help people who find themselves in the dark, all alone and helpless.

Gay teens are being bullied and messed up across the world. It's crazy and the young teens just don't know how to handle it. I was shocked to see such brutality by other kids at such a young age. We've all been there and never understood it. But then, if you give it a second thought, it seems like people are homophobic only because they are deeply afraid that there may be a homosexual individual hiding inside their own bodies. That's what even this article says, that most men are afraid of a gay side that hides within all of us. http://www.lovepanky.com/men/guy-talk/me… People feel that by abusing and bullying someone else who's gay, it just affirms the fact that they are not gay.

By doing that homophobic people convince themselves that they arent gay. It's a bit like the school bully who used to hit the weak kid because it affirmed the fact that he's cool and powerful. He needs to depend on another boy's weakness to convince himself of his superiority. And this is the same with several other examples in life, abusive parents, etc.

I wonder if people could just accept the fact that some people are gay and others are not. Why do they have to be so homophobic? Can we do anything about it? In this lifetime, I don't know. Everyone's too scared there may be a gay within to try to accept homosexuality. But with people like you, there's still hope. Thank you.
145
Wow! I often read your column and get a laugh, some useful info, or a tip here and there, but today it also touched me (and not in a sexy fun way, in a heartfelt way). What an incredible initiative!
146
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!!!!!!
147
Wonderful video! Big virtual hug to you both, and I'm sure there will be lots of viewers for your channel that are heartened by it.

While there are bullying kids in high school, there are also supportive kids. It's too easy to get all focused on the troublemakers. Don't let the haters make you mean. When people treat you with kindness and respect and share fun times, remember them, focus on them, and be like them. Ignore, trouble - it feeds on your reactions, don't give it any.
148
Dan Savage, you are a really great human.
149
Wonderful video! Big virtual hug to you both, and I'm sure there will be lots of viewers for your channel that are heartened by it.

While there are bullying kids in high school, there are also supportive kids. It's too easy to get all focused on the troublemakers. Don't let the haters make you mean. When people treat you with kindness and respect and share fun times, remember them, focus on them, and be like them. Ignore, trouble - it feeds on your reactions, don't give it any.
150
I've been posting the channel to my Facebook page every day, some times twice. If we don't share this, the kids who need to hear it may never get the chance.

Also, bullies can feel remorse. A friend in college told me a story about the boy who bullied his younger (gay) brother. One day, out of nowhere, the former bully showed up the day after Christmas and apologized for the bullying (both attend out of state colleges). It didn't heal his brother's problems, but it was certainly a start. I guess they jog together now or something. Maybe they're raquetball partners.

Side note: I absolutely adore Joe Newton's drawing for this.
151
As soon as I'm home in front of a camera I'm gonna make a video and post it. I went to a shitstick high school in the middle of Buttfuck Alberta, Canada (think Alabama only with more snow and oil) and suffered years of torment. Now I've got a wonderful Fiancee and an amazing life - it really DOES get better!

Thanks for starting this Dan!
152
Thanks to both of you, Terry and Dan. I've posted it on my Facebook page and I'll make sure my adult brother and his LAWFULLY WEDDED Spanish husband watch it, too. They were married in Spain's city hall five years ago with my entire extended family present, including friends of the family. Just before their wedding, a military wedding was taking place. We were terrified: what will they do when they see this is a gay wedding? And then we saw the two brides in full military dress, with their (soldier) friends, also in full military dress, creating a canopy of crossed sabers. It was shocking, and then it was beautiful, and we joined in the hundreds of military people cheering the wedding of two lesbian soldiers.
153
Dan, I am so glad that you have done this, but I am also sorry that you are excluding anyone who is not gay from participation. Isn't exclusion just stooping to the level of those who want to exclude gays?

I may not be gay, but I know what it's like to be bullied. I know what it's like to think of suicide as a viable option, not because you actually want to die, but because living is just so fucking miserable. And I know what it's like to have your family cast you out and turn their backs on you. And I know what it's like to have life get better. So the fact that I'm straight doesn't mean I don't have anything to contribute to this discussion.

I'd like to suggest that you pair up with Jodee Blanco. She's a survivor of bullying, has written a couple of books and speaks at high schools across the country. Maybe if you join forces the non-gays with something to say could have a voice in all of this.

You might also try to get the Matthew Shepard Project behind you.
154
What an amazing idea. Thank you both.
155
I believe Dan Savage was put on this earth for this most important "It Gets Better" project. Uncounted young gay lives will be spared because of these posts. Carry on
156
@robin8
thanks! i go to north peninsula bible church in the bay area
157
I love you Dan and Terry! I think everyone needs encouragement to survive/get out of high school with their sanity anyway but watching your video pretty much makes me cry.

I was one of the kids who Stuck Up For my gay friends [I am still that kid as a grown up naturally]. I never really thought I helped but maybe it did.

This is SUCH an awesome thing. I love that you are doing this...the lives you will save...the important lives you will save....!!!!!!
158
@152, your anecdote cracked me up, but also gave me warm fuzzies. Hoorah for the lesbian soldiers.

In general: I think we need to have far more action on bullying of any kind.
When I was in late grade school, about age 9 or 10, the girls I was friends with decided they were the cool clique and I was out of it - thereby losing people I genuinely was friends with, and I spent the rest of my schooling being an outsider, though not actually bullied or taunted.

Now I'm seeing the same thing happening with my nine-year old niece, only with her there *is* name-calling and taunting, and the potential for violence lurking in the background: the clique who are taunting her are friends with some of the biggest, known to be aggressive boys... so she worries that if she stands up to the mean girls, or sasses them back, she may get physically assaulted.

It breaks my heart even thinking she would go through the heartache I did as a preteen and teen, let alone this escalation which is worse than what I dealt with. So many other kids need to know there are adults who've been through the same and care and that it won't always be that way. Maybe they won't ever be so bad as to contemplate suicide, as gay and gay-baited teens do, but we could spare them so much heartache and emotional trauma.
159
Whether or not he was or was not gay...I think the important message is that it gets better for EVERYONE. High School is a rough time...and I know many people who are gay, straight, bi, act 'gay' but are straight, and act 'straight' but are gay. And even some out gay people I know give these people a hard time. I am blind to it...I don't care how you act or what you seem...my hope is that you can be open and honest with who you are, not JUST about your sexuality, but about all of the things that you love and make you happy.
160
Whether or not he was or was not gay...I think the important message is that it gets better for EVERYONE. High School is a rough time...and I know many people who are gay, straight, bi, act 'gay' but are straight, and act 'straight' but are gay. And even some out gay people I know give these people a hard time. I am blind to it...I don't care how you act or what you seem...my hope is that you can be open and honest with who you are, not JUST about your sexuality, but about all of the things that you love and make you happy.
161
A friend posted the "It gets better" video on FB. I watched many of the videos posted. I am not gay, none of my 4 children are LBGT. But, I am planning on a career change to High School teacher. I promise to do EVERYTHING in my power to help LBGT kids through that toughest time in their lives. I swear it.
162
dear dan,
i am a straight, straight female (!haha!) and ive been a fan of yours for a few years now. after watching yours and terry's video i had to create an account to tell you how wonderful you are and how thankful i am for having someone like you in the world. many people look up to you and trust you, myself included. you are always brutally honest and very fair, which i find humorous, but mostly appreciate. i look forward weekly to reading your column, in fact its the first thing i read in the stranger! anyways, its really sad how brutal kids can be to each other. i know when youre young it seems like school will never end. i wish i could articulate how rad it is that you and terry have begun this "it gets better" project. you two lovely gentlemen have created hope for teens from many different backrounds. anyways, i thought i would share my appreciation for you, dan
and also to you terry for putting yourself out there
thanks guys!!!
163
dear dan,
i am a straight, straight female (!haha!) and ive been a fan of yours for a few years now. after watching yours and terry's video i had to create an account to tell you how wonderful you are and how thankful i am for having someone like you in the world. many people look up to you and trust you, myself included. you are always brutally honest and very fair, which i find humorous, but mostly appreciate. i look forward weekly to reading your column, in fact its the first thing i read in the stranger! anyways, its really sad how brutal kids can be to each other. i know when youre young it seems like school will never end. i wish i could articulate how rad it is that you and terry have begun this "it gets better" project. you two lovely gentlemen have created hope for teens from many different backrounds. anyways, i thought i would share my appreciation for you, dan
and also to you terry for putting yourself out there
congrats on your disgustingly cute family!
thanks guys!!!
164
Dear Dan,
I loved you before this particular column, I've loved you since Jr High, but you really knocked this out of the park. You have made me so much more comfortable with sexuality and you are brilliantly scathing. THis project is awesome. I really enjoyed hearing you and your husband's story. You guys are so cute together. It's always enjoyable to see people that really care for each other like you guys, it makes me less cynical. THanks for everything
165
In regards to the "it gets better" sentiment, what about the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal that just failed? Any comments Dan?

Fight Religious Extremism Everywhere!
166
@58 I agree, we should all get in there and make videos, gay, bi, straight, etc. Every bit and every perspective counts. And Bravo Dan, this is truely revolutionary.
167
most impressive and uplifting, Dan. I will share this with all my friends
168
I was harassed from late grade school into my sophomore year of high school, then most of the bullies were gone and I had a great time until graduation. However, in 8th grade I took a bunch of pills and actually saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Something in me decided I was too young to die and I forced myself to wake up and stay awake. I was sick for days, but no one found out. I survived and now I have a great life. It really does get better.
169
Dan, I am straight and doing my best to masturbate to Christine O'Donnell but please don't be angry if the thought prevents lead in the pencil. Now if we are dedicating a day to Nikki Benz then I expect little issues with the lead. LOL. Your the best.
170
Dan, I am straight and doing my best to masturbate to Christine O'Donnell but please don't be angry if the thought prevents lead in the pencil. Now if we are dedicating a day, week, month or year to Nikki Benz then I expect little issues with the lead for many of the straight boys. LOL. Your the best.
171
Off topic: Dan, have you heard about Bishop Eddie Long?

I know, who would have thought with a name like that?
172
I have already masterbated specifically to offend Christine ODonnell so delighted to find like minded folks. I promise to continue fighting the good fight and will masturbate accordingly in solidarity to the cause! every day until the protest expires... :-)
173
Being number 171, this comment probably won't get read by anyone. Regardless, I want to say that your "it gets better project" videos made me cry. Keep up the good work, Dan. You're a significant figure. If anyone is interested in demographics, I'm a straight male in my 20s.
174
Dan, I've followed you for years and I think this may be the most moving and beautiful project you've ever undertaken. As a former kid who was targeted for her perceived sexuality among other things, and a dear friend of many in the same boat (some of whom I witnessed first-hand), all I can say is thank you.
175
Hi,

I know everyone is saying the same thing, but I'm adding my voice to the multitude, because your video was very well timed in my personal life. I'm not gay and I'm not even a teenager. I just wanted to be reminded it's going to get better.

So thank you.
176
I am going to post the youtube link to my website so everyone can see it. As a Life Coach and an adjunct professor teaching psychology on a college campus a good many of my students are young kids who have just "escaped" the high school bullying. Thank God for that liberal bias on college campuses that allows me to make this stuff known. Great work Dan, my students will appreciate this (as will my clients).

www.coachingforlifetoday.com
177
Hi, all the straight people who have commented, "But why is this just for queer people? How can I participate?"

1) You *can* participate-- by signal-boosting (posting links in your Facebook/MySpace/LiveJournal, sending email forwards, etc), by showing the videos to people you know, by trying to find ways to get news of this project to kids who won't hear about it otherwise. That would be really useful and helpful.

2) It's true that many, many people get bullied, and many people find high school terrible. But statistics do show that, on average, it's worse for queer kids. I'm sure there are exceptions (straight kids who go through hell, queer kids who are just fine), and you may have been one of them, but there are still problems faced specifically by queer kids which are different from the ones faced by straight kids. So it is worthwhile having a project which addresses their problems.

3) I agree strongly with #100. It would be *great* to have a project which reached out to all sorts of kids who are being bullied-- smart kids, disabled kids, geeky kids, kids with mental health issues, kids who are racially in the minority in their school, kids who are perceived to be queer whether or not they are-- so why don't you go start one? You could piggy-back off of this project, if you wanted to, and I'm sure you could do a very useful thing.

I get that people want to help, and that's cool. I feel like the vast majority of everything in our culture is inclusive of (if not designed exclusively for) straight people, and it's not that unreasonable to have a project like this focused on and for queer people.
178
DAN, I'M A "HOMO-PHOBIC" (ACCORDING TO SOME FRIENDS) I DON'T THINK SO, IT'S SIMPLY A LIFESTYLE OF WHICH I'M UNFAMILAR & AND IT WOULD NEVER BE FOR ME. I THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR THE EFFORTS YOU ARE MAKING TO SAVE THE LIVES OF YOUNG GAY & LESBIAN CITIZENS. I APPLAUD YOU!
ONE THING I DO UNDERSTAND; TO GO THROUGH LIFE ALONE IS A SAD AND LONELY EXPERIENCE. TO FIND ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE MIDST OF 6 BILLION ON THIS PLANET WITH WHOM YOU CAN LOVE, NURTURE & SHARE IS A BLESSING. IT DOES GET BETTER, DAY BY DAY.
I HOPE THESE YOUNG PEOPLE CAN RISE ABOVE THE VERBAL, EMOTIONAL & EVEN PHSICAL ABUSE THAT'S OUT THERE, ACCEPT THEMSELVES, FOR THE FINE PEOPLE THEY ARE AN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITH JOY & FULFILLMENT.
179
Thank you for the wonderful It Gets Better project. Moved me to tears. BRAVO!
180
I think the It Gets Better project rocks but shouldn’t be limited to just gay people – what about all of us nerds, losers, dorks and general outcasts that were tormented as teens but lived to tell the tale?

This goes beyond a G/L issue – it’s about all struggling youth who feel that high school is IT – nothing could be more permanent or lasting – and think that the fools surrounding them know all.

Fuck that – open your project to anyone that has struggled through bullying and put a true voice at there for ALL the kids suffering daily and doubt their worth. Unfortunately a lot of us (straight folks too) have been there and it would have made a HUGE difference in my teen years to know – hey – this will go away – these people aren’t shit – and someday I’ll be a grown up, making my own rules, picking my own friends and LIVING my own life – with no regard for the douches that tried to make me think I wasn’t worth living.

Love ya Dan…
181
I think the It Gets Better project rocks but shouldn’t be limited to just gay people – what about all of us nerds, losers, dorks and general outcasts that were tormented as teens but lived to tell the tale?

This goes beyond a G/L issue – it’s about all struggling youth who feel that high school is IT – nothing could be more permanent or lasting – and think that the fools surrounding them know all.

Fuck that – open your project to anyone that has struggled through bullying and put a true voice at there for ALL the kids suffering daily and doubt their worth. Unfortunately a lot of us (straight folks too) have been there and it would have made a HUGE difference in my teen years to know – hey – this will go away – these people aren’t shit – and someday I’ll be a grown up, making my own rules, picking my own friends and LIVING my own life – with no regard for the douches that tried to make me think I wasn’t worth living.

Love ya Dan…
182
Dan, you just made me cry. YouTube for good! Rock on man, Thanks.
183
Wait, um, Billy Lucas never said he was gay, according to news reports. Family says the same. No friend has come forward to confirm his same-sexer status. Granted, there could be a great many (obvious) reasons for that. But Occam's Razor would suggest at least one obvious reason: it's being reported this way because he wasn't actually gay. Yet the proprietary stance of the gay community towards this tragic event--"he's one of ours"--at the very least misses the more general point of bullying: any kid who's sensitive, or different, or interiorized, or likes to play Bach on the violin and hates football, etc., can be fodder for relentless torment. At the worst, the insistence here on his homosexuality compounds that torment, even after he can no longer be hurt by it.
184
I'd just like to echo the kudos for itgetsbetterproject. Even as a straight, geeky kid, I could have used that.

Oh, and xWhatever on the curiosity about your partner being an incentive to click it.
185
It is so important that this message get out there to all teenagers. LGBT, and fat kids and nerdy kids, and slutty kids and ANYONE who is bullied and harrassed. In High School people tell you "These are the best years of your life" I remember thinking "fuck that." Maybe for some people hihg school are the best years - whihc is REALLY sad becasue there is so much more living afterwards. Imagine peaking at 17? When you are 13 your whole world is school, but it won't always be that way. There is FAR more in heaven and earth than conceived in a Jr. High PE class, thank god
186
@Straight People:

Thanks for the support... don't wait for Dan to tell you what to do to help, get creative! Donate to or volunteer with GLSEN, the Trevor Project or your local suicide hotline. Call your local school district and your legislators and tell them you support anti-bullying programs in schools. Effective ones, not just ones that whine about hurt feelings and so forth... think of your own stuff!

@Non-LGBT People Who Were Bullied:

I think it's fantastic if you all were to start your own projects to combat bullying and teen-suicide. Why you gotta get all up in our hizzouse? ;)
187
Just wanted to point out that there are nearly 80 videos posted in a little over a week. WOW! Dan Savage you are amazing, and it is because of you that this project has such momentum (apart from the fact that you started it). You are an inspiration. Keep doing what you do!

@181 and @186 I agree with 186! -and I'm straight- This project is specifically to show LGBT kids people just like them who have survived and thrived after highschool. Straight people have PLENTY of examples already. Let this one stay queer (I mean that in the best possible sense).
188
These stories are very much appreciated, especially the ones from couples. Sometimes just the way they smile at each other tells a beautiful tale.

I still remember how breathtakingly wonderful it was for me to see a gay couple holding hands as they walked down the street chatting with their friends. They weren't at a rally. There was no protest or assertion of rights. It was just a crisp New England fall day, and the sight made me smile deeply inside. And to the Tufts boy who leaned his head on his boyfriend's shoulder on the 96 bus - thank you. It was these scenes of normalcy that convinced me more than any advocacy ever could that all could be well.

So please, all you happily partnered/married people, hold hands (when you want), hug (when you want), and have your strangely adorable little fights at the grocery store. Your everyday inspires incredible hope.
189
That Dan Savage! What a guy. What an incredible project. And I just gotta say that the body language between Dan and Terry is the sweetest thing I've seen all week. Thanks!
190
This is an enormous change from Dan Savage. Previously his comments at least were pragmatic regarding those who had devastatingly unsuccessful social lives, saying that there are many out there just the same. Savage Love is itself a record of interesting problems brought from people who are spectacularly socially-successful and dealing with the messiness.

But now, possibly due to superficial daddyhood encouragement feelings, he's flopping to a superficial, statistically-unsupported "It gets better" aphorism. Consider the young man already had no social support network, nor skills or other resources for developing one. His parents, if they are good parents, are monitoring his internet access. At the same time, this family was obviously of no social support, and reports on the YouTube page indicate that they continue to remove all socially supportive gay comments.

From this condition and environment of social isolation at high school age, even if he had stuck miserably through high school into college (or as college is more unreachable for most today, into independent adulthood), he would have already been less likely socially to succeed without a set of skills developed through successful socialization at school. Not the least is just a socially attractive generally "happy" demeanor, one of the spoils accumulated by those who do not concede that the biggest social advantage is that nothing succeeds like success.

If Dan had even done the easy "Seek counseling" from his hero Ann Landers, he would have had to if not being superficial confront the fact that most counselors have no idea of how to facilitate socialization for gay people. As anyone who has been there notices, just like 9 out of 10 of the general population are not gay, 9 out of 10 counselors aren't and have no idea what to offer besides "It gets better" with nothing but an unfounded cultural "be encouraging" approach that yields no help. It is unreasonable also to expect the average person to have the financial or other resources to "keep trying to find a better counselor" in most environments. If you're having problems with the statistical facts of what happens *each time* you make a 1 in 10 choice, imagine 10 places for bullets, but one is empty. Spin it, fire, what are the odds you'll get the bad thing happening? Then *replace* the fired bullet with a new one, and repeat for each subsequent 1 in 10 case.

Basically, what you've come up with is just the feel-good "It's easy for people for whom it's worked out" subjectivity and social display. There was little likelihood of the young man's social improvement given his circumstances, just continuing isolation until the point where his depth of emotionality decreased to where absence of supportive, or even less-likely, intimate social interaction became inescapably accepted.

The "It Gets Better" platitude is at its core a "blame the victim" attitude toward those for whom it did not get better. It has no value as far as solving the problems of the person for who things are not better.
191
Did you knowingly or unknowingly make vanish from your consciousness the majority of people for whom it does not get better?

Isn't there a reason for the universality of recognition of the truth in Thoreau's observation that "The majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation" ?

Is it because you believe that for you, and the people that you see, that things have gotten better that there is statistical authority to state "Things get better" ?

Is this the new faith-based column from Dan Savage? Faith-based foreclosures are so attractive and rewarding for those who can brandish them as sources of authority. It's gratifying to just go spewing subjective opinion all over everything that presents itself, like the world is your Rorschach blot.

Do you ever let Terry finish his sentences in real life?
192
I just watched some of the channel. While I liked a lot of the videos, the two female teachers made me cry. The silence and delivery of that video was so strong that I want to forward it to everyone I know. Bravo for starting this, Dan!
193
This is a great idea. I posted it on Facebook and I hope people will pass it on.
194
translation of 190 and 191: i am a bitter, jealous old queen.
195
Great job, Dan. But as a teacher, I feel that telling kids "it gets better" when they are dealing with shit on a daily basis isn't enough.
Take this to the next level - yes, it gets better, but something more needs to be done to confront the bullying that is still occurring.
Start a movement where students, supportive parents, teachers and other allies confront the school administrators who stand by and allow this to continue. Hold schools accountable for their failure to act. Many states have new, strict anti-bullying laws.

To say it gets better gives a pass to the bullies and schools that are failing our kids. Bullying is a violation of a person's civil rights and it is not acceptable to say it is a part of growing up.
196
Great job, Dan. But as a teacher, I feel that telling kids "it gets better" when they are dealing with shit on a daily basis isn't enough.
We need to take this to the next level - yes, it gets better, but something more needs to be done to confront the bullying that is still occurring.
Students, supportive parents, teachers and other allies need to confront the school administrators who stand by and allow this to continue. Hold schools accountable for their failure to act. Many states have new, strict anti-bullying laws.

To say it gets better gives a pass to the bullies and schools that are damaging our kids. Bullying is a violation of a person's civil rights and it is not acceptable to say it is a part of growing up.
197
@ 195/196 i totally agree with your message, that school administration must be held accountable for the passes they constantly give to bullies. Time & again, school administrators proved to us that, if they CAN take the path of least resistance, they WILL. Don't allow them to weasel out of providing a safe learning environment for all children in all grade levels.

The bullying my son endured started the moment he set foot on school property in Junior Kindergarten, and didn't stop until he left elementary school. The one time he retalliated against the bully, he got double the punishment the bullies ever got. When we had meetings with the school principal, my son was blamed for being "weak". Eventually, we started calling the police, which did help. What helped the most was when my son grew & grew & grew till he was towering over the bullies, & this put a stop to almost all the bullying, but they still tried to bait him with verbal harassment.

My son is not gay, however, he does have a non-verbal learning disability that sets him apart from others. My son is an intelligent, loving boy.

I just wanted to point out that bullying isn't relegated to JUST high school. If the school administrators won't properly deal with the bullies, call the police. It sends a message not only to the bullies, but also to the school administration, that you, as parents, are not going to stand by & allow the bullies to win.

P.S. Thanks Dan & Terry for your great video & the encouragement you give.
198
Just a quick question. Is this project only focused on GBLTT issues?

Or, is it expanded to include all victims of any kind of detrimental bullying? Whether it's physical, emotional, mental or spiritual? (There's still too much bigotry surrounding various religions.)

Personally, I was a victim, who found himself being 'outed' in high school. I'm not gay. Wasn't then, and am not now. But I am secure in my sexuality, and openly flirt with men (under the right circumstances, and when I know it won't offend anyone.)

The point is, sometimes teens use homosexuality as a sword, cutting undesirables from their community, even if the accusations are false.

And the mental and emotional impacts these situations have on the victims.

If a gay man came to me and told me that it would get better and that I'd be able to live my life as an open homosexual in my adult years, it would've fallen on deaf ears. All because I'm not gay.

But, if someone came and told me that Metrosexualism would be the next hot trend, and that I was just on the leading edge of it, that would've helped. :P

Society will accept us for who we are, even if family and friends cannot.
199
But it doesn't get better. I feel the same as I did 10 years ago--even worse with Facebook's unsolicited shout outs from the past rubbing it in further.
200
It does get better. So much f'ing better. Thanks Dan for starting this project. My husband and I are going to work on our video. The project should go on indefinitely.
201
I agree, the body language between Dan & Terry in their video was very sweet. You can see their bond is strong.

To comment on #198 (Ben B.), i agree with his assertion that the victim doesn't have to be gay in order to be accused of it, but that is just one more weapon in the bully's arsenal, to be brought out & used at their choosing. My son is not gay, but sexual harassment was used on him by many bullies, & it works because it strikes at the heart of the victim's psyche, & in the case of children, usually renders them incapable of responding. Parents must take an active role in their children's school career, especially if their child is bullied - no matter what the bullying consists of - & stand behind their child(ren) & support them all the way. But i know some parents are oblivious. For parents who do take an active role in their child's school, do not be afraid to call the police if the school administration is passing the buck or tries to blame the victim. When school admin starts turning the other cheek or making statements to the effect that the victim was complicit in the bullying, that is when you know they are not "zero tollerance", which is what schools need to be if they are to effectively deal with bullying issues.

I agree with #199 re: FB and the possibility of negative use of "friending" and "shoutouts". The 3rd party privacy issues are enough to keep me from being a member of any such social networking sites, & i caution my children on this topic too, as cyber bullying is huge; just another venue for bullies to get at victims.

For it to "get better", one must live in an accepting & loving environment. For some people, this means leaving their family of origin. Many people are bullied in their work environment, which is an extremely difficult situation, especially in this economic climate.

Counselling is a good direction to take, & with those who cannot afford counselling, go to the library & get some self help books. Believe it or not, books can help, because, yes, the longterm mental & emotional impact that bullying has on people is huge. Not just the victim, but the perp too.
202
Adults helping teens is very good, but teens helping each other is even better. My daughter helped start the You-tube channel 7AwesomeLesbians. It is a group of teens from around the world who speak about their lives by giving their responses to the question of the week. I imagine it is a great help to other teens.

http://www.youtube.com/user/7AwesomeLesb…
203
Adults helping teens is great, but even better is when teens help each other. My daughter helped start a YouTube channel called 7AwesomeLesbians. They discuss their lives by answering the question of the week. Sometimes the topics are related to being a gay teen and sometimes they are about ordinary life. I imagine its a great help to lots of kids.

http://www.youtube.com/user/7AwesomeLesb…

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