@ avast

Yes, but then you're essentially holding the housework hostage for the sex. And then, instead of the man feeling that he is partaking in a transaction would not the woman then feel like she was being forced to put out for help around the house?

One more thing, you say that cleaning the bathroom before having sex means that cleaning the bathroom is more exciting, but thats kind of a silly argument. I dont think anyone finds cleaning the sink exciting, but unfortunately, sadly, sinks must be cleaned by someone. And if the husband isnt doing it, then someone has to, some time. It's just not always practical to ignore basic household chores whenever your significant other says come (especially if you know it wont get done otherwise). Note: this is not from personal experience. I dislike cleaning and i drag my husband away from picking up all the time. But id understand if he wanted to finish first.)

Also, if you're not drained after sex sometimes, you're not doing it right. =)

"Yes, but then you're essentially holding the housework hostage for the sex."

No, it isn't symmetrical in that way. Done the way Morticia suggests, the husband is definitely doing chores in order to get laid. (As foreplay, even). The other way, the wife is not necessarily having sex in order to get the chores done. She (supposedly) is having sex because she likes sex. It then follows that both of them are being sexually satisfied, and the husband is happily doing chores as part of a good relationship.

"And then, instead of the man feeling that he is partaking in a transaction would not the woman then feel like she was being forced to put out for help around the house?

Sex is supposed to be something she likes. It is supposed to be its own reward. If she feels she is being forced to put out for help around the house, that would pretty much demonstrate that she doesn't in fact like sex with the husband for its own sake all that much -- which is the problem, isn't it?

"One more thing, you say that cleaning the bathroom before having sex means that cleaning the bathroom is more exciting, but thats kind of a silly argument. I dont think anyone finds cleaning the sink exciting, but unfortunately, sadly, sinks must be cleaned by someone."

Yes, precisely. Cleaning the bathroom ISN'T exciting. And sex with the husband is apparently even less exciting than cleaning the bathroom.

"It's just not always practical to ignore basic household chores whenever your significant other says come "

Operative word being "always." I never said "always." I'm more worried about "never." If you NEVER ignore basic household chores when your significant other says come, you have put him/her in last place, somewhere after cleaning toilets. That isn't where your spouse belongs.

"I dislike cleaning and i drag my husband away from picking up all the time."

Good. You are doing it right.

"But id understand if he wanted to finish first."

Your situation is not a good example of the problem. You do realize we are talking about the situation where a) after he finished he wouldn't have any energy left over for you, so it wouldn't be "finish first," it would be "finish, period." That, and b) this behavior is chronic, where he is always doing the dishes, and never doing you.

No, it isn't symmetrical in that way. Done the way Morticia suggests, the husband is definitely doing chores in order to get laid. (As foreplay, even). The other way, the wife is not necessarily having sex in order to get the chores done. She (supposedly) is having sex because she likes sex. It then follows that both of them are being sexually satisfied, and the husband is happily doing chores as part of a good relationship.

I'm sorry, but i dont see any reason why the man cant want to do chores because he likes his wife and consequently she has more time/energy for sex. Or why the man can want to do things to get sex, but the woman cant want to do things to get things she wants as well.
Really? you're saying men that get sex a lot (as part of a happy, good relationship) do chores? happily? forgive me, but i call bullshit. It doesn't follow, which is part of the reason so many women find "honey what can i do to help around the house" so sexy.

Sex is supposed to be something she likes. It is supposed to be its own reward. If she feels she is being forced to put out for help around the house, that would pretty much demonstrate that she doesn't in fact like sex with the husband for its own sake all that much

or it demonstrates that maybe she likes sex but feels like he wouldn't contribute any other way. your conclusions dont follow. I can like candy bars and not eat them because of the consequences.

I thought there were a few Savage T-Shirts for sale-- Tech Savvy Youth etc.? All gone? I see the It Gets Better shirt on facebook...

@105:

True, it's also possible that some women do like sex, but use it as a tool to get their husbands to do housework because they "feel like he won't contribute any other way." But that's even more of a problem: that's sexual manipulation and no healthy relationship should use sex like that.

Dan, one possible hesitation about your advice to NTTWT: my wife and I came out to our families about her boyfriend, and my atheistic, liberal, tolerant family shunned us, and my wife's born-again fundamentalist sister is the most stable and understanding of the bunch. Go figger.

107 - It doesn't have to be deliberate manipulation. More likely it's - "My husband's not helping out around the house, even though I've asked him to help. Maybe he thinks it's my job just because I'm a woman, but that's not fair because I also bring home a paycheck. What a jerk he is. I'm angry."

That's not deliberate manipulation - that's being ticked off because you think you are being taken advantage of. And naturally if someone feels that way, they aren't going to want sex (at least not from the person they are mad at.)

@60, you're a narcissistic dumb ass. You followed the honesty is the best policy advice, and she chose not to divorce. Simple. But what about you? You continue to live a lie with her, not for her or your children's benefit, but for your own. You get to fuck who you want when you want and still have a meal on the table when you get home. Have you discussed the subsequent affairs with her or are you afraid she would CHOOSE to divorce your dumb ass this time? Asshole. I dare say a divorce is better than a lie. Maybe not for you, but for your wife and kids it would be.

As for you, bad girl, you can try to justify it all you want but having walked a fucking mile in YOUR CHEATED-ON PARTNER'S shoes, all the excuses for those of you"going through it" are just that: Bullshit excuses for narcissistic people who want to avoid confronting their own issues and owning up to their behavior. It really is as simple as making a decision that may or may not be *gasp* in your own best interest. You may be unhappy because you aren't getting pleased the way you want, perhaps your partner is similarly unhappy. All you selfish cheaters think about is satisfying your own needs without giving your partners the option of satisfying their own needs as well. Stop trying to justify it.

It is hilarious that those who get married then take on a "girlfriend" are behaving as Mormons but I can bet you NONE of them would put themselves in that pool.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.... I'm old now and I giggle at this column because there was a time, back in my 30's (and still a kid, let's face it, we all are at that age) when I would have bought into the complications of the relationships these folks have created but if any of them think they are somehow "exotic" or "better than" then they're fooling themselves.
If this couple wants to come out as having 3 in a relationship, then they can paint it with a Mormon brush and the ultra-religious mum would be more accepting of the whole thing.
Boy, I wish I still lived in Seattle because I'd be laughing so hard now. I cringe when I think of my own way of putting complications onto life but folks, life isn't complicated. Never has been, never will be.

@60 I would love, love, love to hear what your wife says about your "marriage."
I worked in the sex industry for a while and I've heard variations of that very same tale that you've written yet when you speak to the wives, they shed a whole new dimension on the situation.
Something to consider. If your wife is genuinely not concerned about you cheating on her then stop moaning about it! You are the only one in YOUR head/mind therefore someone else's opinion has nothing to do with you. If you felt secure with how you're living then you wouldn't be defending it to such a degree to a COMPLETE STRANGER.
The reason you're doing it is because YOU don't feel right with how you're living. That is YOUR issues and not anyone else's. Well, maybe your wife's too!

Regarding the Cheating husband... You are just having Performance anxiety. You probably are very nervous and were really looking forward to your new affair. My best advice is lots of foreplay, take it slow, try to relax as best you can. Something similar happened to me once and not until the 4th time was I able to perform. I doubt it is your body telling your mind You are not ready for this. I doubt it's guilt either. It's all about relaxing.