Columns Nov 11, 2010 at 4:00 am

PU

Comments

2
Oh no! Can I possibly be first?

Good take on the bacteria going into that fat fuck Glenn Beck's gut, Dan, except that technically, bacteria are not animals. When I was in college, they were classified as eukaryotes, a kingdom a little closer to kingdom Animalia; but now they are classified as prokaryotes, more like viruses in that there is no true nucleus in most bacteria. And speaking of virus, that's what I would want to be: a rabies virus infecting not only Glenn Beck, but also Sarah Palin, among others. Rabies is uniformly lethal. Hantavirus or Ebola virus, while not uniformly lethal, would be a good second choice. Good call Dan!
3
HEY, you cheap unregistered commenter, you. PPPFFFT!
4
Chicka what?
6
I vote for rabies. Glen Beck is already rabid, so it shouldn't take too long for a second dose of Dan-rabies to finish him off.
7
... why the flying fuck would lube not be an option?
8
Yay, she says that she has The Sound Of Music!

It's gonna be a great night, thanks Dan!
9
Best response EVER to the being-gay-is-a-choice question. Well done!
10
THE LONELY GOATHERD!!!!! oh man i almost fell off my chair. good one dan.
11
Thanks for such a great night at Pacific U last week, Dan! And thanks for a great answer to my bromance fetish question. I've been scoping out some bi guys on OkCupid!
12
FUCK the NALTs!

Moderate Muslims spend more time trying to convince non-Muslims that theirs is a "religion of peace" than trying to tell the fundy Muslims to tone it the heck down. Christians who tolerate fundies and try to get in good with the atheists, agnostics, etc more than they try to change Christian culture: you're no different.
13
@2: Suppose you WERE a rabies virus, and suppose you did infect Glenn Beck... how would we tell the difference?
14
I am commenting on this for no other reason than "The Lonely Goatherd" is my absolute favorite song from "The Sound of Music." But given that it reminds me of when my mom and dad used to sing it with me, I'm unsure if it'd ever be my go-to sex song. Actually, I am absolutely sure that it would not be.
15
@2 I though some clarification of microbiological terminology/concepts might be in order:

1. You are right that bacteria are not animals, and you are right that there is no true nucleus in bacteria.
2. Most likely, when you were in college (me too), bacteria were classified in the kingdom Monera, and were part of the 5-kingdom system that also included the kingdoms of Fungi, Protists, Plants, and Animals.
3. Now bacteria are classified as Eubacteria, and are part of the 3-domain system along with the Archaebacteria and Eukaryota.
4. Eubacteria and Archaebacteria are both *prokaryotic* (they don't have a true nucleus). Eukaryota are *eukaryotic* (they do have a true nucleus).
5. The terms eukaryotic and prokaryotic have been around at least since 1962, and were coined so that biologists could classify organisms according to presence/absence of true nuclei. Thus bacteria have been recognized as prokaryotic for as long as the term 'prokaryotic' has existed.
6. Viruses are not cellular and are not considered to be alive by most biologist. They are not more closely related to any particular domain of life.
7. The rabies virus is not uniformly lethal. There is an extremely effective post-exposure treatment, involving a series of injections of rabies immune globulin and rabies vaccine. (Although, without treatment, rabies is almost always lethal.)
16
"Hook up with hope."

Amen!
17
"Lonely Goatherd"?
Thanks for raping my childhood, Dan. You know, the first time I saw The Sound of Music, my parents told me it ended after the puppet show scene and switched off the TV. (They didn't want the Nazis to scare six-year-old me.) I was quite astonished some time later, when the movie turned out to continue; for a while during my youth, I was under the impression that movies could be extended simply by rewinding and replaying the tape.
18
When are you going to come to the University of Texas? We'd love to see you. You have lots of fans in Austin!
19
We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - unless you're gay. then the loudmouthed closeted legislators and other influential people are outed or just plain shut up, we will probably continue to have this glaring inequality in our society. people like Dan thankfully (or thanklessly) continue to push us towards equality and acceptance.

Who else likes to hear about gay hating legislators getting outed because they try to pick up same-sex partners in public rest rooms (or wherever else for that matter)?
20
We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - unless you're gay. Until the loudmouthed closeted legislators and other influential people are outed or just plain shut up, we will probably continue to have this glaring inequality in our society. People like Dan thankfully (or thanklessly) continue to push us towards equality and acceptance.

Who else likes to hear about gay hating legislators getting outed because they try to pick up same-sex partners in public rest rooms (or wherever else for that matter)?
21
Um, if a dick is too big for your physical person, maybe it shouldn't be in there! A gal could do some real damage unless she's careful. I dunno - I'm kinda small, and I got used to my partner's larger proportions through loving practice and time, but man, if things aren't working, time to find other pleasures beyond simple penetration...
22
Christian hypocrites are quick to cite the passage of the Bible that states that "a man lying with another man as though he were a woman is an Abomination". However, they refuse to acknowledge the "heterosexual Abomination" detailed in Deuteronomy 24.

In that story, a man divorces his wife and she later marries another man. Subsequently, that new husband either dies or divorces her. According to Deut 24, it's an Abomination for that wife to re-marry the first husband.

A second, more damning point for Christian hypocrites is that the Bible states that "no one sin is greater than any other - except blasphemy". But these hypocrites love to place "homosexual sin" above all others.



23
I have some real options for the clueless lubeless wonder. If lube is not really an option, then:

1) engage in protracted foreplay so you produce more lube naturally
2) find a new penis

But really, lube would be simpler.
24
Maybe the lubeless wonder or the gigantopenis are allergic to lube? But in that case, just use another kind.
25
@Robin, nice try on the biological taxonomy, but you've got it wrong. The following is summarized from the Wikipedia page on biological kingdoms http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_%28… Eukaryotes (organisms whose cells have nuclei) and prokaryotes (organisms whose cells don't have nuclei) are not "kingdoms" and never have been. Before 1866, biologists used a two-kingdoms system, Plantae (plants) and Animalia (Animals). All plants and animals are now understood to be eukaryotes. The three-kingdoms system, proposed 1866, added "Protocista" (which included all single-celled organisms, mixing together some eukaryotes and prokaryotes). At this point, bacteria were clearly in a separate kingdom from animals (which is where Dan went wrong). A four-kingdom system was proposed in 1938, with bacteria and blue-green algae together in kingdom "Monera" (all prokaryotes), with single-celled eukaryotes in kingdom "Protista." A classification system dividing life into two "superkingdoms" or "empires" ("Eukaryota," which included four kingdoms, plants, animals, fungi, and protists; "Prokaryota," which included only monerans) was proposed in 1969, which may be what you were thinking of. (I won't summarize later developments.) In short, however, bacteria have been in a separate kingdom from all eukaryotes since 1938 and in a separate kingdom from plants and animals since 1866.
26
Lube is not an option? I can't understand why, but you've already been told your options, which are basically "change your partner" or "suffer".

However, I still think that using lube is THE option, if you want to stay with your partner. But take into account that if it's his length what causes trouble, no amount of lube will help. Find positions where he can't push all the way into you.
27
As a confirmed NALT I'd just like to push back on the unrealistic assumption that liberal Christians can somehow reign in conservative Christians' diatribes against gays and lesbians. How about if Dan Savage, a Social Commentator, reigns in his own fellow Social Commentators. Let me put it this way:

Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT social commentators out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative co-social commentators to hijack social commentary. ("NALT" stands for "not all like that," the phrase you hear from liberal social commentators whenever you bitch about conservative social commentators, i.e., "We're not all like that!" Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You're not all like that. Don't tell us. Tell Glenn Beck, tell the Rush Limbaugh, tell Michael Medved.)
28
"Suffer" Oy. If it's the length, you can get an open ended masturbation sleeve, cut it to size, and put it on the part of his dick that doesn't fit in.

If it's the girth, a woman can stretch herself out over time by twenty minutes a day lying down with a dildo inside her. Gradually increase dildo girth as things get looser. Since graduated dildos are expensive, cheaper to do this with condoms on carrots (in appropriately increasing widths). But use lube, for this and for sex!
29
@27 #1: You're comparing social commentary, which is at its root driven by money and ratings, to the biggest organized religion in the country, many denominations of which make efforts to fund and support those social commentators that advocate their religious views? Yeah, and conservative social commentators cause so much more tangible damage to the rights of LGBT citizens than the religious do. Srsly? Nice try.

And #2: When have the NALTs tried to push back? If the fundies can organize themselves and put themselves in the public sphere that way, why can't you? I think NALTs are just like the Democrats - a lot of talk, no action, bitching at their base instead of getting anything done.
30
@27 And P.S.: Dan does push back against conservative social commentators, if you haven't noticed. At this point, it's not acceptable for CSCs to say "Oh, it's totally cool for these kids to have been harassed to the point of suicide because of teh ghey." Dan's one-man (or maybe two-man, including Terry) IGBP has done more in the past two months to raise awareness and advance the dialogue about gay kids than I've seen NALTs do in at least the last 20 years.
31
I'm a straight male roman catholic who is out spoken whenever I get a chance about my whole hearted support for gay marriage whenever it comes up, and I work in construction in NYC so dont think that hasnt raised a few eyebrows or caused some speculation among my peers.

So why dont you suck MY dick Dan?
32
Re Suffer:

Has it dawned on anyone that she's talking about *length*? No lubrication in the world -- natural or synthetic -- is going to make that work, and that's a particularly excruciating kind of pain to have to endure.

In that case, the best bet is to experiment with positions so that you aren't in pain, and your gentleman doesn't have to be so mindful of hurting you. Pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex or something similar, there's all kinds of interesting acrobatics in there that should accommodate both of you and let you have a pain- and anxiety-free sex life (nothing will destroy your sex life faster than one or both partners being afraid of pain/causing pain, the anxiety will just shut the whole thing down. Trust me on that one.)
33
Re Suffer:

Has it dawned on anyone that she's talking about *length*? No lubrication in the world -- natural or synthetic -- is going to make that work, and that's a particularly excruciating kind of pain to have to endure.

In that case, the best bet is to experiment with positions so that you aren't in pain, and your gentleman doesn't have to be so mindful of hurting you. Pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex or something similar, there's all kinds of interesting acrobatics in there that should accommodate both of you and let you have a pain- and anxiety-free sex life (nothing will destroy your sex life faster than one or both partners being afraid of pain/causing pain, the anxiety will just shut the whole thing down. Trust me on that one.)
34
Sorry, Dan, but I have to disagree with some of your advice here. The Sound of Music is fucking terrible. Those creepy little children scare the crap out of me.
35
I have yodeling stuck in my head. I'm trying to write a sex scene right now and I have yodeling stuck in my head.
36
Any length can be accommodated anally, after teasing the second sphincter for ten or twenty minutes until it too opens up.

Keep up the good work, Dan. You and Rachel are my favorite homos.
37
@25 - thanks for addressing the taxonomy error. My additional 2 cents (pet peeve) - the term "animal," is used in common parlance to denote things that are "alive" and aren't plants. It's similar to the use of the term "fruit" in a culinary context. In neither case are the terms accorded their scientific meaning.

A Christian minister (with a congregation of 40) threatens to burn the Koran, and he's front page coverage throughout the world, for weeks on end. That kind of press coverage is kind of hard to generate if you are a reasonable, liberal practitioner of any religion. Locally, an imam found graffiti on his house after attending an interfaith prayer vigil involving several hundred people. It wasn't even clear whether the graffiti was specifically directed at him or at Islam. Guess what got front page coverage (above the fold in the local paper) and what got a single line of text buried in the article on the inside continuation. Acceptance of queers within religious denominations is no longer news. NALTs don't do the violent, irrational things that get press coverage and so they are invisible.
38
@37, whatever your taxonomy, I like your point about media coverage. Which is dumbing down, soudbite-oriented and irresistable to politicians & fantatics with a cause.

If you like some decent evidence, are not sure about things, think situations and people are complex, and don't have the arrogance to impose your views on others, then you don't get much airspace.

My solution is to vote with my feet: I've abandoned most of my consumption of media, and just visit relatively thoughtful places like here.
39
Love the advice for anyone who is the dumpee. Lord knows if I got dumped today, I'd be on the horn to my former booty call. I'd be upset, but nothing helps me when I'm upset over a lost love like fucking someone else. I always think it's so funny when people say, "I thought he/she loved me, but they fucked someone else right after we broke up!" I don't see the connection. Sex is sex, love is love, and sometimes, if you're lucky, both happen at the same time. Most of the time they don't.

Then I'd eat a tub of ice cream.
40
If we're talking about a woman, I'd advise a copy of Women's Anatomy of Arousal, by Sheri Winston. Joy of Sex is ok, but there are complete organ systems missing in most texts on female anatomy. It's not even the fault of modern folks - a lot of it was simply excised from history. (the clitoris is NOT a tiny button, but looks more like a wishbone) If lube is "not an option" then extended foreplay is absolutely essential. Dehydration and medications (even allergy pills) can lead to a dry vagina, so lube up! I recommend Wet Lite - it's approved for medical use, so it's as safe as a lube can be! (yes, I sell these!)
41
I like these: "I'm an animal already—I'm a primate, like you."
"I know nothing about No Shave November—but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions."

@LINAO: In addition to everything below, you should be engaging in plenty of non-penetrative sex before engaging in penetrative sex. Higher degrees of sexual arousal will increase vaginal self-lubrication (if we're talking a vagina here) and relax genital/genital-area muscles, allowing the hole to stretch more and accommodate a larger object without pain/with less discomfort. If you have an orgasm before penetration, you'll likely be quite relaxed. Lube IS an option, it may simply be one you have discounted for some reason. If there's an allergy, try a different kind, if there's an allergy to ALL of them, get non-lubricated condoms (you're using condoms anyway, right?) and slap the lube on the side of the partner who isn't allergic. If the big dick is allergic, use a non-lubricated on-the-dick condom and lubricate the outside. If the vagina/rectum is allergic, get a non-lubricated "female" condom and slather-up the inside. If there's no allergy, get the hell over your lube hang-up, or find a smaller dick for penetrative sex (could be a plastic/rubber one that could be used with the same guy, or a flesh one on a different guy). If it's length and not girth that's the issue, have the dick-bearer NOT TRY TO PUSH ALL THE WAY IN. Or wrap a hand (or 2?) around the base so he can't (though if he refuses to try things that make sex not-painful for you, and you're not actively into that pain, you might want to find a different dick anyway, attached to someone who isn't an inconsiderate, selfish fucker, as it were).
42
And now I shall never be able to hear "The Lonely Goatherd" the same way ever again.
43
@ 31:

Why the angst, stormcrow? You're practicing what Dan is preaching. The great majority of your fellow NALTers aren't. No need for your oddly sexualized resentment here.
44
For what it's worth, the Episcopal Church in the US basically split over the election of Gene Robinson, their first openly gay bishop (he also did a video for It Gets Better). Those in favor of his appointment didn't back down from their position despite the vigorous and cruel dissents from the homophobes. I'm not a Christian of any description, but my mother is an Episcopalian (in Texas, no less) and her church is proudly pro-gay, and some of the clergy officiate at gay weddings. Those Episcopalians, with both actions and words, stood up for gay rights and made their position a national issue. If that doesn't count as Christians taking a stand to show the world that not all Christians are hateful homophobic fucks, what does? All the NALTs need to follow that example.
45
@ 37:

"NALTs don't do the violent, irrational things that get press coverage and so they are invisible."

NALTies don't do *anything*, so they are invisible. Time for you to cowgirl up and organize against the fundies who have ruined your tradition.
46
My BF - a *very* talented top - finds lube makes things too slippery. To compensate, we use lots of foreplay including a good long round of rimming for me to get things ready. And he's pretty big. My .02
47
Perhaps lube isn't an option because she's allergic to the most common types of lubes, and isn't aware that there are other types if she only looks hard enough.
48
"If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband's gut..."

That's disturbingly sweet.
49
"If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband's gut"

My first thought when I read that was," How romantic!"
Clearly I've been reading this column for too long. And keep up the good work, Mr. Savage.
50
Also, the best song for having sex is, indisputably, the Led Zeppelin version of "When The Levee Breaks." Especially for girl-on-top hetero sex.
51
LOL -- "The Lonely Goat Herd??" Ask a silly question, get a silly answer. At least you didn't respond with "The William Tell Overture."
52
Ummm I think No-Shave November is a cousin to an event called "Movember" (mo for moustache) in the civilised (i.e. non-American) world.

You'd probably approve Dan, since it's aimed at raising both money for and awareness of prostate cancer (and other men's-health issues). People do this by stopping shaving and collecting sponsors. At the end of the event they should be sporting a moustache.

My workplace used to get hugely into it with before and after shots and everything.

Women could participate but tended to go for armpit hair growth instead.

http://nz.movember.com/
53
Miss No Lube perhaps also ought to see a doctor. One of my friends had a problem with vaginal intercourse for a very long time (and nothing worked, lube or foreplay) to ease the pain. But upon physical examination it turned out that part of her hymen hadn't broken and was stretched across her vaginal passage, making it painful and difficult to have sex. A simple snip in the doctor's office fixed it.
55
@45, "NALTies don't do *anything*, so they are invisible. Time for you to cowgirl up and organize against the fundies who have ruined your tradition."

Huh. I'll be sure to mention that to our Lutheran minister. I'll be singing with the rest of the choir during his commitment ceremony with his boyfriend next spring.

The ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) has decreed that gays and lesbians in committed relationships can serve as ordained ministers, and congregations that disagree with this have been told, in effect, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
56
I must remember that answer to whether being gay is a choice! Now if I could only find someone dumb enough to ask me that...
57
The media is most definitely complicit in giving the crazy conservative Christians a bigger voice.
I'm not just talking Fox, liberal media contributes just as much to the problem.

How much coverage has the Stranger given to people like Ken Hutcherson, Mark Driscoll and Tony Perkins? Every time Hutch sends out a batshit crazy email, Eli makes a Slog post for it. Whenever Mark Driscoll lets some misogynist, bigoted shit come out of his mouth, there's a Slog post for it. Whenever Tony Perkins says something ignorant and evil about gays and lesbians, Dan Savage will unfailingly post it on Slog.

Every time you post and discuss the bile that comes out of the religious right's mouth, you give it legitimacy and power.

I don't care what the NALTs do. It's time for the liberal media, including the Stranger, to stop giving a voice and platform to the right-wing religious bigots.
58
wtf is wrong with lube, I use astroglide all the time to masturbate, unless you are squirter and can get nice and wet yourself, why not lube up that big cock and fuck it, you can even get organic lube if that is your hangup
59
@#15: You are right that when I was in college that bacteria were classified as monera. However, fungi hadn't gotten their promotion yet; they were not their own separate kingdom. I admit I did not know about the three-tier system of bacteria classification. We were also taught that viruses are not considered to be alive, so you and I jibe on that. You are more up to date on your microbiology than I am.

As for #7, I meant to say that untreated rabies is uniformly lethal, and I guess you're saying even that's not right. I actually did get the rabies vaccine in 1994 after a bite from a feral cat. Fun time, that was. Most pain I've ever felt in my life. "Rabies is uniformly lethal" is a direct quote from one of the ER doctors that treated me. So either he misspoke or he was dumbing it down for me.

Either way, that's what I want to be so I can infect that fat dumb demagogue fuck Glenn Beck. If I can't be rabies or hantavirus, how about a Creutzfeldt-Jakob prion? (Though, having a sponge for a brain would be redundant on Palin and also the lusty Miss O'Donnell.)
60
@19 "We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"

You're quoting the Declaration of Independence, not the constitution. Further, those inalienable rights are given by our creator, at least according to said declaration.

The constitution sets up the format of government, with the Bill of Rights giving certain alienable rights that the founders thought were a good idea at the time.
61
If you're going to have sex to a song from Sound of Music, go with I Have Confidence. It begins slowly and quietly, then gets faster a louder, and ends in a wonderful, loud climax.

Just a thought.
62
Excess length and ladies, assuming we're talking PIV:

- Keep your legs down in missionary position.
- Avoid doggie-style like all hell
- Spooning and similar positions are probably your best friend here.

But none of that is going to help if you're dry. There's lube out there for every possible allergy or preference - try babeland.com. If you're really embarrassed about lube and aren't willing to, say, keep your pants on until you've worked through your issues, you could always get one of those lube-squirters they sell for anal use and use it to apply lube vaginally in the bathroom before intercourse. And lie that you're just that hot for his enormous man package.

(Speaking as one of the many women who couldn't handle libido-killing birth control pills and got an IUD, I had to find positions where I never got poked in the cervix for months or I reacted like I'd been kicked in the nads. Still worth it.)
63
@50: that is an awesome song. Though I'm not sure it'd be best for sex, or to get through a nasty breakup. Maybe both?
64
@61: Lol, maybe that could cheer on a dude with erectile disfunction.
65
GREAT, now whenever I'm having sex, I won't be able to hear anything OTHER than "The Lonely Goatherd." Especially the tuba-playing part.

And for those who need a refresher, or want their ears to get similarly infected, here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snL8tTlfb…
66
Well, I am disappointed. I Googled No Shave November, and it's for the boys celebrating masculinity! I was hoping it would be about girls like this!
67
I don't think your argument is good about homosexuality being a choice or not. There are choices you make young enough, when you don't discern. There are choices you can undo, and choose back, and there are choices that you can't undo, and choose back, another option.
Sexual orientation could be a result of genetics and your environment (Genotype and phenotype? I don't know, I'm guessing because I don't know the actual terms in English). Could be one more than another, or could be not. Immutable sexuality could be a social construction, as sexuality is, as gender is. Aren't there some opinions since middle XX century that say that just a minority of the population is actually gay or straight, and that the rest fluctuates in between in different grades of sexuality? I'm not talking about the prehistoric Kinsey scale type of "grades", but some other more rational, adjustable, less stereotypical and less dogmatic.
BTW, I'm just saying...
69
@40 - Thank you for mentioning "Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure", just bought it off Amazon. Can't wait to read it!
70
Awesome column this go-round. Thanks for letting the str8s know that 'warming' lube is a fail. But I wish you had delved more deeply into WHY lube is not an option for Mr. Big. Is it a religious thing?
71
I have had sex while The Lonely Goatherd was playing (don't ask) and I don't recommend it — unless you actually like the idea of being transported back to your childhood while fucking. Too weird for me!
72
Finally a use for my Sound of Music and Gypsy records.. Thanks mom!
73
37 NALT: Here's what you do: you open a mouth. In YOUR church. You say, a la Anne Rice, that YOU are a Christian who is TIRED of evil, stupid people claiming that Christianity is about hatred. You organize. You publicly and energetically support pro-human rights candidates. You hold meetings and you stage protests and you write letters. You meet with your pastor or the head of the congregation as many times as necessary. You REFUSE to belong to a church or be counted as part of a group that promotes hatred or intolerance.

What you DON'T do is lay down like a whipped dog and say there's nothing you can do about evil in the Christian churches, except make little mewing apologies and wimpy disclaimers when another child kills himself.
74
Oh my God! I love the Spray 'N Wash Stain Stick, too!
76
Hey Dan,

Could you write a column on companionate marriage some time? If you need me to send you a letter and ask, I'll do it, but maybe this is enough. We read so much about all the sex people are having I'm curious about the sex that people aren't having.

Thanks!
77
Why must people on the left wish death on anyone with whom they disagree? So you disagree with Glenn Beck. Why not a reasoned, articulate rebuttal, and leave it at that? If you think he's a fool, then prove it. You really don't help your cause by saying, basically, "I hate you and I wish you were dead!"

I disagree with you sometimes, Dan. But I don't want you dead, for Christ's sake. Grow up. I used to be a big fan, but you're losing me with your fantasies of killing people.
78
"but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions."

LOVE it!
79
For the person asking about lube - look for paraben free and glycerol free lube. That will likely help!

I don't have reccomendations, because I can only find lube that is missing one or the other, but not both. Astroglide's "natural" lube works well for me, but it does have some paraben.
80
@44 Where in Texas does your mom live/attend church? Don't worry, I'm not intending to stalk her, but I live in Texas, too, and I'm interested in switching churches. It's just kind of hard to know where to look since none of them are exactly waving rainbow flags. And you never know which ones really support the gay bishop/gay marriage, or which ones are just grinding their teeth and going a long with what their Diocese says to do. Anyway, just curious!

For the "too big, no lube" question: sometimes I have the problem of it hurting my hymen area right when it goes in. I asked my gyno what to do about this, and (in addition to lube!) she suggested that I use my fingers to stretch the hymen a bit before intercourse. I passed that info a long to my wonderful, wonderful boyfriend, and now, him using his fingers to stretch me out a little is just a standard part of our foreplay. That said, I can't imagine lube not being an option...um, ouch?! And ick! That writer needs to explore his/her options!

And finally, Dan, you cracked me the fuck up with "The Lonely Goatherd." But the tapeworm thing? I think I vaguely remember you writing once that Terry can eat whatever he wants and still look great...was that the point? I laughed, because it's SO YOU, but I'm not sure I really get it. I'm not sure if it's romantic, evil, or both (like those skull rings...hmm).
81
I'm with you on everything else - but never, ever use the term "breeder" again. It's insulting and sophomoric.
82
@81 - echoing this sentiment.
83
http://www.mlp.org/index.php?topic=about…

Short of noisy protests on the streets or whatever, I'm not sure what more you expect... (aside from things like, oh, voting for or against relevant propositions, which I suspect most NALTs who actually vote, um, already do...)
84
@ 81 I feel that Dan should and can use any term he wants to describe folks as he sees them. If he sees certain heteros who, as a group, breed irresponsibly or use breeding as a platform to justify/create additional hatred; call it as it is Dan.
They are breeders; mere cattle to the slaughterhouse/meatpacking house of ignorance.

As a NON CHILDED hetero straight female (by choice: im fertile as the fields) I think BREEDERS is an accurate term to describe all the hateful, breeder heteros who act so very superior to me or my loverboy simply because they spawned. Just because we're not part of the BABY BRIGADE in our 40's you'd think we had become terrorists or have a social disease.

Having a child does not instantly exonerate your sins, make your opinions more valid or give you innate wisdom so quit patronizing those of us who remain childless. I have never needed my uterus full or empty to use my brain . . . . . They are not connected directly or Jerry Springer would have less audience. Good lord, overpopulation much?

Not choosing to have kids is not a problem, issue or a character flaw. Quit acting like we are pariahs for being socially responsible.
These type of folks above ARE breeders, Dan, you're right, NOT everyone with kids
85
@ Lechugo (67): I don't think your argument is good about homosexuality being a choice or not.

The whole question of "is homosexuality a choice?" is a distraction and tangent from the question of "is homosexuality okay?" Because while you can't choose your orientation (you're attracted to whomever you're attracted to, and you don't have conscious control over that), you can choose your actions, and people are more than capable of having sex with people to whom they're not attracted, or not having sex with the people to whom they are attracted. In Dan's example, the person absolutely could suck his dick, in order to prove him wrong-- he's just unlikely to want to prove his point as much as he is to not do something gay.

People say "being gay is not a choice" when they mean "being gay is not a sin." The difficulty is, people who think it is a sin (as far as I know) object more to the actions than to the orientation, and it's disingenuous to say that the actions aren't chosen. It leaves out a whole, complex, multi-nuanced range of ways of relating to one's sexual orientation.

We'd be better off sticking firmly with "there's nothing morally wrong with being gay" than in making an argument about "choice" to which there are hundreds of thousands of counterexamples (like, for instance, every bisexual person ever).
86
@80

My mom goes to Palmer Memorial Episcopal Church in Houston. It's in the medical center area, very close to Rice University. The current rector is slightly annoying, but EVERYONE is outspoken in their support for gay rights. The rector has given several sermons about it, actually. They also have one of the best choirs in the country, and it's a very pretty church.
87
You forgot...two men raising a child is a selfish act by conceited entitlement minded individuals. For your vanity, you are HAPPY to experiment on a human...just to see IF raising a balanced human is possible. I do not hate gays, but I see them for what they are...self centered egotistical extroverted chip-on-the-shoulder little hitlers.

Case in point...you have hard on for Christians...really bad. But IGNORE what a muslim would do to you in a HEART BEAT. Just because all the muslims in the U.S. refuse to expose themselves and anything but islamic sheep...as soon as they could, they'd gut you, your man and dash the brains of your child.

Live your righteous live under the protection of this country, that is your right.

But don't you dare vacation in Lebanon and think you'd be welcomed or "understood", you would have neither.

Your conceit has been served.
Osage
88
Congrats, Dan! This is an amazing column. As much as I love the column, and read it every week, today is the first time I was inspired to read every comment posted. By the way, I have no problem with "The Lonely Goatherd." It is, after all, about two people finding each other. But "If Momma Was Married" seriously cracked me up, made me laugh out loud. I've been singing it in my cabaret act for 30 years, I still love the song, and audiences of all ages still react well to the humor.
89
The frequency of people who double post in the stranger comment section because their comment didn't show up right away is amusing.
90
The frequency of people who double post in the stranger comment section because their comment didn't show up right away is amusing.
91
Godwin's Law never fails, does it. LOL
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_…
92
Godwin's Law certainly does creep in...from Liberals as well as Conservatives. I do believe lberals have no problem referring to their opponents (or is is enemies now???) as Nazis.

Such a predictable lament.
Osage
93
BTW - I know this is taboo in Seattle, but HAPPY VETERANS DAY to all veterans!
Osage
94
Glad you could join us, Osage, and stick around. You'll be the first non-anonymous troll on Savage Love. It's heartening to know people like you are curious and interested in Dan's daily thoughts and weekly judgments.
95
Dan, when you say "there wasn't anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole" you are leaving out all of us who are into figging! It involves ginger root and a seriously burning hole Google it.
96
@59: well, as of 1994, it pretty much was uniformly lethal. The Milwaukee protocol was thought up ten years afterward, and even that only has a success/survival rate of, what, 15-20%?
97
"What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!"

Adding my own suggestions while summarizing others. I've been through this before and will again. Plus, I know one girl walking around with a couple years worth of grey-area rape trauma from having let her husband fuck her even when it hurt. Others shall benefit by our experience and NOT end up feeling kinda-sorta raped or keeping their virginities for years longer than they really wanted to.

1. Why is lube not an option? When he's only a little too big, extra lube can be the difference between it feeling good and him being told to get that thing out of there right now. Try out many more lubes by buying the samples from a good sex shop, and pay attention to ingredients. Or use unlubricated condoms plus lube on one side as suggested by others. If your partner just won't try lube for reasons other than allergies, dump him and get one who's less of an asshole!

2. If he is too long, there are several things to try. One, train him to not ram your cervix. If words won't work, perhaps you should demonstrate how it feels by repeatedly punching him in the gut. This will soften him up for any of measures 2-4. Two, try different positions that use up some of his length or cause you to lengthen out a bit. Three, use a hand or cockring to set a stopping point where he cannot slide into you further. Between 5-6" from the head should be right. Four, dump the jerk because he doesn't care that he is punching you in the gut most thrusts.

3. If he has too much girth, you can buy a set of graduated dildos/vibrators to help stretch you open in gentle stages when you're together. Said toys need to taper, that is, have a small head and a wide area on the shaft or base, with a pretty smooth glide between. Hard shape to find, sadly. This is what works for me, and my boyfriend thinks the process is sexy. Using them alone will help stretch you permanently too, though he may never get to jump from one finger to his 1.5" diameter cock. But what about one finger > two fingers > 1" toy > 1.25" toy > 1.5" toy > boy? With time and practice the steps get faster and easier, and you start reaching boy size more of the time. Unfortunately this solution REALLY needs the boy involved to be kind, gentle, and understanding.

Good luck for you with your boy, but if he's too much of a jerk to do any of this to make you comfortable during sex, do not wait: dump him and get one who DOES care about your health, pleasure and happiness. They are out there.
98
Maybe carrots, rather than sticks:

Can lgbt folks start throwing fabulous events where we give awards to Lutherans and Episcopalians? Maybe they get to personally meet glamorous lgbt celebrities. Then have amazing dance parties afterwards?

Like: nationwide, Episcopalians and Lutherans can enter a drawing to have brunch with Ellen and then appear on her show.

Those other NALTs will be lining up to get invitations.
99
Osage: May I suggest Dan's book, 'The Kid,' in which he actually details his reasons for wanting to be a parent.

Gay Hitler thanks you for the pageviews, meanwhile.
100
@97

What the fuck is grey-area rape?
101
@66 Bleh! Half the womyn of this town don't shave anyway. Ugliest broads of any West Coast city right here.
102
@stormcrow - so why don't you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven't called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.

Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?

You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.

After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope's word is God's word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
103
@stormcrow - so why don't you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven't called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.

Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?

You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.

After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope's word is God's word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
104
@stormcrow - so why don't you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven't called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.

Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?

You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.

After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope's word is God's word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
105
There's 2 schools of thought on the "my group is doing a bad thing" issue (whether the group is a religion, a country, a political party...)
There's those who just leave, or (if the issue is small enough to them) suffer in silence. And there's those who try to fight from within, because leaving only concentrates the remaining evil...

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