Columns Nov 18, 2010 at 4:00 am

I'm Ashamed of Us

Steven Weissman

Comments

1
Why don't you just be a man about it and suggest counseling? Otherwise you could, you know, just break up...
3
intense
4
It'll be easy to forget... Since you'll probably forget to leave if you're so hammered... Hell, ya probably forgot you wrote this!
5
this is intense
6
Stop drinking. I know it's difficult at first but it gets easier. Sobriety needs practice and it can save your life. Withstand the initial discomfort and retake your life. Believe me, it's worth it. And I think you know it.
7
Remember, wherever you go, there you are. Between the booze and the abuse you'll want to take some action to be sure you don't recreate the situation once you relax.
8
I'm going to call this one fake because I really don't want to be this sad right now.
9
Stop drinking? That's the obvious way out! Isn't it more fun to fantasize about an escape involving a passport and a big planet?
10
notice how all the love/lustlab ads on the left are pictures of women with drinks in their hands

haha
11
I vote for fake. Too poetic. But then, I still think the "French intern" was a fake...
12
You can do it, lady. Free yourself of the booze and the badness. Not everyone we love is good for us... but thankfully, the inverse is also true. Good luck with finding balance and safety again.
13
You can do it, lady. Free yourself from the booze-addiction and the bad man (or woman). Not everyone we love is good for us, but thankfully, the inverse is also true. Good luck on your journey to finding safety and balance again!
14
gus @7 - true - but wherever she goes, HE may not be. and that may be good. but yes, pulling a geo may not really change anything as the urge to drink and other compulsions come from within.
15
that gave me chills all down my body.
16
Work on sobriety now, or your mornings, in the near future, will involve vomit on the floor that you were too drunk to clean up before you went to bed, worse blackouts, and beatings that you actually remember. In the more distant future, you won't clean up the vomit and messes that you make while drunk, because you'll be too drunk to do it at all. It sounds like sobriety means distancing yourself from your partner, so your "escape" sounds like a really good idea.
17
Why do you need to go to a foreign country? Can't you just skip town, or move across town? Isn't Seattle big enough for that?
18
If she's drinking as much as she implies, she may need a stint in rehab or the hospital to avoid serious complications from withdrawal.
19
You know, when I used to drink a lot every day, I frequently woke up with bruises and other minor injuries I could not remember incurring. And I lived alone. Maybe it was the Booze Fairy, giving me dope slaps.
20
I fear I may know this person.
21
I've known couples who only survived because of alcohol. I'm pretty sure they thought it was sorta rock-star awesome, at least at first. And then, yeah, it gets sad.
22
He's both your favorite person, ever, but also will be easy to forget? Were you drunk when you wrote this? Good luck, drunken lady...
23
MEH?
24
EVERY TIME MY BUDDY GETS DRUNK , HE WAKES UP WITH A SORE BUTT HOLE. ANY IDEAS ?
25
"Will I wake up dead before long?"
I can say with certainty that you will not wake up dead. Dead people don't wake up. Ya know who does wake up? Alive people. Get out of the situation before you end up not waking up. Get thee to rehab, or into a good supportive network of sober friends. You, my dear, have a problem on your hands, not the least of which is your physically abusive partner.
26
fake you fucks. this is days of wine and roses with gender reversal. but if gal is real, gimme a call, i don't fight. let's get lost for a couple'a days...
27
Moving away somewhere doesn't work to solve your problems because _you_ are still there. Unless you have a magic passport that changes you into a happy, well-adjusted sober person, you might consider treatment or AA.
28
http://www.aa.org/

Go there now, and get to a meeting tonite.
29
You're not going to leave. He's your favorite person ever, you don't even have the nerve to blame the beatings on him. You know what you're going to do? You're gonna marry him, and if any of your friends confront you about the abuse, you'll deny it, then cut them out of your life. Anything to avoid severing ties with this guy. Face it, you were a happy responsible person who fell for a violent alcoholic and now you're stuck in victim mode. I wish you luck, but people in your situation are usually screwed.
30
Folks, AA *is a cult* and doesn't make sober people.
31
I don't hear the car driving away.

Just keep blaming the men in your life, it's their fault.

Own your problems, before denial owns you.
32
@29 I escaped
33
Good luck, anon. You seem intelligent and I hope you find your way out.

I imagine that you probably know better than to stop drinking cold turkey given the amount that you imply that you are drinking as sudden cessation could result in death or serious medical problems, but it should be explicitly pointed out since the consequences are so dire. There is a wealth of information out there on how to safely cut down and stop.

As for the guy you're with, as you cut down you may realize that you don't like him as much as you thought. That is often the case with relationships/friendships built around mutual consumption. Once you take away the substance that brought you together you often find that you don't have much else in common.

Best of luck.
34
Good choice on leaving, but yeah, seek help for your alcoholism once you're out. Definitely leave - him beating you is NOT YOUR FAULT.

But don't tell him you're leaving. That's when your risk of serious injury or death is highest - when he knows you're going to leave, or right after you leave. Call a women's shelter crisis line. Make a safety plan. Don't tell anyone where you're going, because he will track you.
35
If you can't sleep w/o self medicating, heavily to quiet your internal demons then you don't want to go cold turkey! Get mental help and legal prescibed meds. to sleep and quiet the emotional demons also as you kick the alcohol habit. Tell your good friends and your ment. health pro. that he beats you when drunk, maybe they'll find you a place to be as you escape the abuse.
36
I'm proud of you for knowing that you need to change your current situation before things can get better. You're taking important steps towards a healthier and happier future. Leaving someone is never easy but you need to take care of yourself and be your number one priority.

Seattle has a number of support groups in town. I hope you find whatever assistance you need. Good luck to you.
37
I secretly hope this is a man writing about a woman. Well, not secretly anymore.

Either way though, good on you.
38
I secretly hope this is a man writing about a woman. Well, not secretly anymore.

Either way though, good on you.
39
I was in this situation.

You need to address your drinking problem. Promptly. Hold on to that spark inside you and run for a different life.

Some people say AA doesn't work or is a cult, whatever, give it a shot, it worked for me (actually, NA did). Also, I'm atheist and study evolutionary biology, so it's hardly a religious cult. There's a lot of religious people there, but there's a lot of religious people everywhere in America.

Anyways. I almost died in an abusive, drunken relationship. One night he fractured my orbital bone and almost choked me out. He knocked stitches out of my chin. These things progress. And it's so strange cause I was never the type of girl who thought I'd end up in a relationship like that. I'm still not. I'm feminist, I'm middle class, I do yoga, I'm too smart for that. My drinking had everything to do with it, and I had to address my substance abuse.

I guess, if there's anything I could say to someone that is still in it, now that I'm almost 6 years out, it's that I'm really glad I gave myself the chance. Get help somehow. Fuck the anonymous shit, get honest about it with poeple in your life. Move out, stop drinking and get on with life, it's a big world out there with way better shit to do than be not be able to sleep without booze or wake up already shaking.

Good luck.
40
well at least one of em has a little sense. now i will have another beer.
41
Every one just has to blame a guy in this one don't they ? I know some really fucked up broads who need a good ass whoopin when they get drunk , but that's not my point here . If the letter is from Seattle , it's probly a lesbian couple . They have in my experience more problems with this than straight couples . Gay boy boy couples a lot less. What do i base this on ? well let's say ten years of driving a medic one unit can give you an idea what's going on around town . Bull dykes like to muscle around the little woman ,it seem's to add a little realisim for the stereo types they like to portray . All that bein said I have to tend to agree it's probly a bullshit letter like most of the one's on here .
42
Her "favorite person ever" will be "so easy to forget". This is so fake. It's like a bad movie from the 50's.
43
Liver damage causes you to bruise more easily. You may be worse off than you think...
44
@30: AA is not a cult. To be a cult, it would have to prevent you from leaving whenever you want, and demand that you give them money, and cede authority over your life decisions to them. They would also have to have a leader.

AA does/has none of those things.

But you are absolutely right that AA does not make sober people. Going to AA will not make you sober. Not a chance in hell. What it will do is provide you with a framework that can help you get sober if you work like hell. If you expect anything else, even AA to 'make you sober', you're fucked.
45
Got news for you- Your friends do know about the violence. The makeup and turtlenecks are not fooling anyone. Your unhappiness and the damage to the apartment scream the truth and I promise that you are not hiding the bruises as successfully as you think.
They worry and talk amongst themselves and feel helpless because when they have, timidly and obliquely, asked if you're ok, you make excuses and change the subject.
You do need to leave and you need to get sober.
I don't know if you need to be on the "Never take another drink" list but, based on my own experience, I'd truly and strongly recommend that you commit to a full year of total abstinence from all intoxicants- drink, smoke, etc.... I wish you well and I hope you'll regain a wiser, more grounded version of the girl you used to be.
46
Days of Wine and Roses
47
Your favourite person is never special. There are just as many people out there just as wicked cool (if not more) who AREN'T drunken assholes. GTF on a plane NOW.
48
As you're preparing to leave, I'd encourage you to google "Cary Tennis alcoholism." He's an advice columnist for Salon that is in recovery. He tends to get a lot of letters from people with alcohol problems, as well as from people who love people with alcohol problems. He's insightful and compassionate about the road ahead of you.
49
If he is TRULY your favorite person ever, and having had a few absolutely favorite people in my life, I highly recommend that you two clean up your acts so you can stay together instead of breaking each other's hearts. Havng left one of my favorite people ever recently because we both simply have very different, and somewhat incompatible, life paths, it's a pretty gut-wrenching thing to do. I don't recommend it.
50
disappear into rehab. Do it today to save your life. Thanks for writing this--do the right thing for yourself.
51
@44: A pretty good case *can* be made that AA is a cult, as there are running themes in AA that fall into the cult criteria checklist. They do suggest that ongoing allegiance is crucial to success, and they do assert that you need to turn over your will to something bigger/stronger/greater than yourself--or else.

They imply that if you leave, you'll end up in a gutter somewhere. They ask you to believe you don't have the power to do things on your own. They require ritualistic participation (prayers, chants) and encourage black-and-white thinking in a variety of ways.

AA doesn't cure alcoholism at any higher rate than that of the general population spontaneously giving up alcohol--but AA won't tell you that. They make plenty of money off the concept that they are the only answer--hooked up inextricably with the court system now, and served up an inexhaustible source of customers for their books and tapes and all the rest. And because you are never cured, you are always a customer.

You will never hear an AA person say that there are plenty of paths to success and that they believe in your capacity to find your own way; good luck and all that. Instead, it's AA or the highway/agonizing decline and death. And that's cultish.
52
This is a good piece of writing...simple, powerful...painfully beautiful...
53
Nobody's suggested putting up video cameras in your living space to figure out why your partner is hitting you. Maybe you're picking fights and can't remember that, either.
54
You can't change an alcoholic, I learned to my sad dismay. Unless your partner agrees that he or she must stop drinking, the only thing you can count on is that YOU start drinking.

Been through a similar experience myself. I wish he'd been sober so we could have stayed together. But eventually, the drinking eats up all the good things: the joy, the love, the sex, the happiness and leaves all the bad things and the only way to recapture yourself is to let go of the other person.
55
God, that was a cut above the usual ranting.

Good luck, Anon. But make sure those grand plans aren't just grand plans - get out. Get away. It sounds like that'd be the best thing for your current SO as well.

Just fix the booze thing. And get counselling at some point.
56
Hopefully they both end up dead.
57
Luke Burbank???
58
jeeze! this was deep!! hope you make it
59
Don't fool yourself that makeup and turtlenecks fool anyone. They all know how sick you both are and about the beatings. Get out, get well, get over it.
60
@33, sudden cessation of alcohol isn't necessarily a health danger. I was drinking a lot in college till Mom commented about it, and went cold-turkey just like that, for several months. My friends and I decided we were relying on drinking too much to have fun, can't we have fun without drinking? And we proved we could. I hope this lady learns she can find a SO without having alcohol or drugs as the tie that binds them.

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