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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
You're GGG, he is not.
You deserve better!
There are plenty of gay men out there at are not effeminate stereotypes and just because SA is a theater major does mean he is doom to find a "Dyke" as you have stated. My husband was theater major and he is what many gay men would call a "Butch Jock" he is very masculine, listens to rock and plays rugby. I myself use to play Hockey, and currently play Rugby, listen to heavy metal and tend to wear all black. Both of us do not fit the mold of what folks think gay men are.
In this day an age we need to show more support of the differences in the gay community, not shun someone because they dont fit the mold of what it is to be gay. We should encourage diversity among our community.
I was a Theater Major, Can fix a car(rebuilt an engine and redid the bodywork on a classic car), and can do various other "masculine" stuff. I play Rugby for a "straight" team, and love to watch Football for the game, not the tight pants. I am also gay.
Just as there are effeminate men who are straight, there are masculine men who are gay.
We in the gay community need to stop with the hatred of others who don't fit our mold of what gay is. I got picked on by the gay community for being a "lesbian" because of my power tools. If we really want to pass on the idea that "It Gets Better", then we need to make it better for all the gays out there, not just the ones who are a stereotype.
BMIs are pretty silly (they assume very little muscle and don't scale properly with height - tall people have overestimated BMIs) but 33 BMI is a pretty big warning sign.
As for SA, please just say something to him. If he's anything like me or any straight guys I know he'll be extremely flattered even if he's not interested. It'd take some INCREDIBLY obvious flirting for me to hit on a woman at the gym, as (like him, I imagine) I've been conditioned that women already feel vulnerable and uncomfortable at the gym and therefore hitting on them there is particularly reprehensible.
(and those of you offended by the "faggy-nonfaggy" stuff: dear god, it's the vegan-restaurant-joke deja vu all over again.)
Dan, I love you. Laughed to death with your response to IDWIS. And I think i'm more likely to agree with you when you're vicodined.
From that vantage point, this was effing hilarious to read. And I'm almost jealous I don't get that WHEEEE loopy feeling myself, other than the happy-brief-pain-break kind.
As far as SA: plenty of straight women are attracted to sensitive, artistic types. Hell, the straight woman being attracted to a man who turns out to be gay is probably a trope. I don't see why it's so odd that gay men might also be attracted to more "masculine" types.
I can sympathize with him: I'm a gay man, and I'm not at all attracted to guys who conform to the gay stereotype. The personality traits and appearance associated with it are irritating and unbearable to me. When you meet so many guys who AREN'T what you are looking for, and the guys who ARE aren't advertising, it gets easy to fall into a slump and start to think that maybe the guys you are into aren't out there.
Seattle dating scene is definitely weird the Least that one can say.
I mean people here rarely approach anyone in fear of who knows what????
What is wrong with people in this city, they will gladly take the time to place an add in the "I saw you" category in hope that the other person will read it , but can't actually take the time to introduce themselves.
I know for all of you out there who might think that people are shy, or perhaps not sure if the other person is single......or another million excuses, I simply say nothing makes another human feel great , than giving them a compliment in person.
I say forget the "I saw you column" Dan, what do you say?
Cheers,
Like we say in French: sortez et melanges vous!!
Right, so you're not "offended" by him, you just "hate" him. Glad we cleared that up. Let's not crack fleas while we're splitting hairs, innit?
I fail to see why so many of you are getting so upset. If a heterosexual woman stated that she's not attracted to effiminate men - and a large majority of hetero women would say such, if they're being honest - does that make them homophobes? SA is saying the same thing. Perhaps he did it a little more clumsily than many of you would like, but to then accuse him of being a homophobic, self-hating gay man.. well, that's a little much. Deep breaths.
Not finding a person attractive is not the same thing as being phobic ( fearful of or hating them )
He's not describing the things he finds attractive; he is detailing the things he finds unattractive in gay men. Stereotyped things, topped off with an insulting use of "fag" to describe them. It's not a big leap to see some internalized homophobia there.
@121 - Failure to orgasm during intercourse might not mean he's not attracted to her, but the dude won't go down on her. As Dan has said - oral sex is now a standard feature. Any model that doesn't come equipped with it should be returned to the dealer.
What are you all thankful for (inbed)?
Me? I'm in a mostly sexless marriage. But last night she agreed to the old routine. I gave her: 15 min foot rub, 15 minutes of oral, 15 min of magic wand, and after her big oh, she let me in. Mind blowing. We're about to do the whole round of family and parties, so I can't quite share this.
There's hope for everyone. Cheers. I can't wait for xmas.
I think Dan would have given the same advice to a husband disturbed by his wife's weight gain.
However, in advice columns the man is usually painted as a cad for having a problem like this.
I've had a slow metabolism all my life. I've managed to keep my weight down by keeping a food diary. It is 5 min of effort a day.
The subject doesn't deserve the onus it gets.
I didn't take those words like you did. Is it possible that you are more sensitive to it than I?
I've heard gay acquaintances talk about people in their social circles the same way and more harshly.
I mean no disrespect in writing this, so please don't take any offense if my choice of words are clumsy.
It isn't something many people will say upfront because it is unflattering, even if it is true.
Women are notoriously bad with about telling their friends things that make them feel better rather than telling them what reality is.
One of these things is that their weight doesn't matter.
A big part of any relationship is an enjoyable sex life. A big part of an enjoyable sex life is finding your partner attractive. A big part of finding your partner attractive is your partner maintaining his/her physique.
You are right, there are other things in a marriage, but this is also a thing, a thing that if ignored can stress a relationship.
Ditto. I'm 5 11. At 176 lbs I can feel my vertebrae against the back of a wooden chair.
At 140 lbs people I would be horribly thin.
I assume that Dan edits letters for publication. I'd be curious to read the whole unedited version of this one to see what the overall tone was like.
Two, EVERYONE's looks go downhill with age. Most people gain a little weight with age, or their weight distribution shifts (for example, post-menopausal women tend to be thicker around the middle, even if they are very thin.) Even if you manage to keep the weight off, everyone gets wrinkles and most men will lose hair on the top of their heads and gain it inside their ears.
If you can't feel attracted to someone you love unless they are classically good looking, then what are you going to do when you are 70? Like it or not, if you want to make a lifelong commitment, you have to make *some* allowances for the ravages of time. Of course, there's a limit to this, especially when the extra weight becomes a health risk. But expecting your spouse to always look the same as the day you married them is unrealistic.
there is an obligation on the part of both parties to maintain themselves in a reasonable state of health
Well, no. No, there is not. See, that's why the wedding vows include the line "in sickness or in health." Because actually, we live in a universe where we do not have perfect control over the state of our bodies.
I agree that it's important to let your partner know if they're doing something that makes you not want to have sex with them, and if you find weight gain unattractive, you shouldn't lie about it. But people also seem to be assuming that a person has an obligation, not just to try to lose weight, but to actually do so. And it's not always that easy. Americans tend to moralize about weight, seeing it as evidence of gluttony and laziness, which people could easily overcome if they just had enough willpower. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can't, but in neither case is it particularly helpful for others to just demand they do it without taking into account exactly how hard it may be.
I hope you wouldn't leave your partner if they got a debilitating illness or were in a maiming accident or got very old. Being married does not mean you have the right to sleep with an airbrushed magazine model every night.
LTR's don't have to be exclusive or even sexual. One of the unique things about being gay is that a man can readily share sexual interests with friends. There are no proscribed limits to what is possibile other than those created by self-censorship.
Limits are neither right or wrong per se, but authenticity trumps tradition when establishing them.
If you and a friend are turned on by hot looking people but don't quite fill the bill anymore for each other, by all means explore the possibilities offered by sexual service professionals. Professional sexual servicemen are easier to find and deal with safely than sexual servicewomen are. Just Google around a bit and compare!
While going up to 230 is a problem, 5'10 and 140 only rates a "wasn't bad?"
Sounds to me like Annie here doesn't have her anorexia as under control as she thinks. Maybe she isn't punishing her own body any more, but she is transferring some of it onto her husband. Again, gaining 90 lbs in 8 years sounds like a legit problem, but I wouldn't exactly call her standards of beauty realistic.
I'm a 40/m/straight man, yoga bod fit and what people called "such a sweet guy"
I'm skeptical about Dan's advice re: straight men, well, because he isn't one
>but< in his response he NAILED it
dear women, nice straight guys growing up through the "women's liberation" era and beyond (let's say, the 1970's onward), have been told nothing in society other than "you're jerks for keeping women down" (huh? you must have me mistaken for someone born in 1870), "you're worthless and everything you do can be done better by women", "you're not a real man unless you cut your nuts off and plead for a woman to take care of them"- yet the "power woman" will have nothing to do with it
is it any wonder there are so many boner Rx's out there now
you try getting aroused when society tells you you're worthless
you try being "passionate" when society has told you for a lifetime that you'll be doing it incorrectly, regardless of what you do
there's a difference between cordiality and empowerment
if you want to be the empowered modern woman, then open your own f***ing door, shut the f*** up and just put the f- toilet seat down too, and how about ask the guy out and pick up the tab
see, I feel sorry for younger people now, now we're stuck in a mindset that women are all-powerful, and we'd better damn well respect that or we're seen as jerks, perverts, potential rapists, what have you
yet a woman wants to be all powerful, yet when it comes down to it, they want an all-powerful "animal-man"
that just ain't gonna happen when women and society demands that women keep mens' severed nutsacks worn around thei necks
Dan- you're absolutely correct on this one, if the guy is straight
and given these issues, I begin to question myself as to which is actually worse: A: that i end up feeling so castrated and conflicted to approach that smoking hot barista who I think gave me a "~look~" (...but she's at work! I can't approach this self-empowered modern strong woman, especially at work! it would be construed as insulting to consider her livelihood as so flippant!)
(or in your scenario- "omg look at that smoking hot chick on the orbital stairs workout machine! look at that ass! I can't do this! it's disrespectful to look at women like that and to assume that just because she's wearing tights (or showing cleavage, or etc) I should take it as an invitation to ogle. that's disrespectful to the modern woman!)
or,
B: that the more I consider this modern man-woman dichotomy, and find myself increasingly critical of it, the more I sound like Rush Limbaugh
welcome to the 20th century, ladies- many men have lived a lifetime of roundhouse kicks to the groin from this 'men are evil' bs that stems from events that happened hundreds of years ago and has nothing to do with me, now
you like the guy? approach him, say 'hi' and tell him you think he has a great body
being so blunt to guys really works
mindgame pickup line manipulative BS is the maze that modern man has to navigate to get to a woman
there is no such maze for a woman
c'mon women, you have complained about men being crude and blunt for so long, but you can't see it as a technique to use to HIT ON a guy?
if you approached the gym guy, go close to him and just say "I need you to f*** me NOW." you could be on the gym's custodium room floor with your legs around his waist with his cock to the hilt in you within minutes
the complication BS arises from the situation in reverse
approach the guy, say hi, and ask him questions
nothing hotter to a straight man than an apparently clueless woman needing answers from you who has no problem dis-arming and losing the "empowered" facade BS
he'll still pick up the tab- don't worry
women not being aroused by men hitting the aging stride?
when it's a male not being turned on by the wife's body going downhill they prescribe the man narcotics such as Viagra et al.
when a woman starts losing interest in the man's body showing his age apparently that's the man's fault as well
in addition to his Viagra maybe you could get him hooked on meth! watch those pounds shed.
I am not a doctor. nor am I an advice columnist, go figure
It's easy to assume this stuff is obvious when you're not the one generally making the first move.
That cute person who just caught your gaze and smiled is interested right? Or perhaps he/she is just polite, smiles at everyone, or smiled to hide the awkwardness they feel due to your incessant gaze.
People aren't psychic. Demanding that people only approach people who are interested in them is idiotic. The whole point of approaching someone is to find out if they're interested.
First, I'm glad to see this woman being honest about knowing she's attractive. I've never accepted this concept of attractive-women-who-don't-know-they're-attractive. Attractive women know they're attractive because, like PGGWAC, they can tell that plenty of guys check them out.
Second, if an attractive (or any other) woman is concerned that she is coming across as unapproachable, a very simple way for her to demonstrate that she's not is to . . . do the approaching.
But a woman doesn't actually have to approach a guy. All she has to do is make her interest in him obvious. For most guys, even shy ones, if a woman makes it pretty clear to them that's she's interested, they'll do the approaching.
Dan: Because, you see, for the last 20 years, fine and otherwise guys have been told that it's not nice to hit on girls at work, on the bus, at the gym, or in class. Girls are still getting hit on at work, on the bus, at the gym, and in class, of course, just not by nice guys. The guys who approach girls at work, on the bus, etc. are, for the most part, fine and otherwise assholes.
I don't think women mind being hit on by guys who are nice, even if it's on the bus or at the gym, as long as they find these guys attractive.. They just don't like being hit on by guys, nice or otherwise, they don't find attractive (and it's very likely that of all the men hitting on a woman, she's not going to be attracted to most of them.)
I also don't think guys who approach women in social settings are necessarily assholes. But they are aggressive, definitely not shy. The question is: are aggressive men more likely than shy men to be assholes? I'd say yes, but I'm sure others would differ.
That reminds me...something else I've never accepted is the-attractive-woman-who-says-guys-never-approach her. Rubbish. While shy men are wary of approaching an attractive woman, aggressive men (for the most part) are not. Watch people in any social setting and you will always see men come up and start talking to attractive women.
I loved "rocket surgery." I'd agree with you that it's wrong to hit on someone who is trying to ignore you (e.g. you smile at them and they clearly don't respond favorably) but there's a gray area between showing obvious interest and clearly ignoring.
My SO is 6'1" and weighs 175. He is also slender, well muscled and very athletic.
The difference is in the bone structure. Son has small bones, SO has large bones. Any "ideal weight" measurement that does not take skeletal structure into account is flawed.
Fully agreed. Maybe it was the Vicodin, but Dr. Savage earned his name. I love it when femmy guys come on to me, but because I'm introverted and non-obvious, that doesn't happen often. Dammit. I didn't choose it to be that way, that's just how it is. FEMMIES:STOP JUDGING ME: I REALLY LOVE YOU.
MAYBE SA is a 'phobe, or MAYBE he's being honest about his preferences. Since he mentions 'majoring in', I'll assume he's young and new to the team, give him the benefit of the doubt, and advise him that in time he'll learn that very often a heart of gold trumps a head full of sports scores.
All my dearest male friends in life were comfortable with their feminine side; all the rest were hiding one trying to seem tough... the chickenshits.
I drive a pick-up which I can fix myself, I'm a card carrying member of the NRA. I love to hunt & fish, & I happen to think I look damn sexy in a cowboy hat. I'm also gay! I don't use moistureizer or where cologne, and I'm not attracted to your stereotypical "fags", I like men, men who look & smell like men. I'm not into the typical bear look either, but I like a man with body hair, a little stubble on his chin, & who smells like a man dam it! (Nothing turns me off more than when I can smell your cologne from 30 ft. away, Ugghh!)
Thanks Dan, & thanks to the rest of the gay community for reminding us that we are not welcome, & we don't belong to your special club, & we must be homophobic for not wanting to adopt the "gay uniform". I'm used to being ostracised by the straight community, but it's a much more insulting slap in the face coming from the gay community.
Dan and this girl both sound socially retarded, but Dan at least has his canned vicodin excuse. Asking a total stranger out on a date is just about the most awkward thing I can think of. Unless that first date is also to be your "and guest" at a wedding.
It's treating all gay guys like a 'gay boyfriend' or some sort of accessory that makes people like Straight Actor resent these sorts of stereotypes. If the guy was straight and not interested, would she still be able to become gym BFFs with him and talk about shampoo? This perpetuates the feelings of 'abnormality' that Straight Actor has and will set him back from getting over it on his own.
For PSGWAC, leaping from eye-flirting to asking him out seems quick. Why not try asking him to help you with one of the machines? Or, ask him how he did a certain exercise. It's a subtle way to compliment his masculinity, which--believe it--is still important to guys, and you'll come off as confident and even more attractive. You can gauge how he interacts with you and if he's interested, he'll definitely make an effort to talk to you again, so you can go for vitamin water or talk about shampoo or whatever you discover you both enjoy.
Because you're an idiot.
I think I know where SA is coming from because I'm like him. And it's a pretty shitty deal: you get rejected by straight people for being gay, then you get rejected by gay people for not being gay enough. Fun stuff. Being subjected to bigotry from both sides is so delightful.
SA is just a gay guy who's into very little of gay culture. Why should that be grounds for ostracism? And why does that draw an immediate conclusion that he hates himself?
My advice to SA is this: give the bar scene another try. But forget about the twink bars. Check out the leather bars instead. It works out that only a minority of guys at leather bars are actually into the BDSM scene. Probably 50% of the clientele is more masculine gay guys who don't feel comfortable at the boy bars. Same deal with the bear bars. And in answer to his question, YES, THERE ARE MOST DEFINITELY OTHER GAY GUYS OUT THERE LIKE HIM!! But you have to seek 'em out a bit. Good luck.
-MHW
I enjoy your column. Where did you get the balls to be so uncompromisingly self-accepting? Do you think the coming out process helped, or is it just something you've accomplished through hard work? I am a straight guy at the age when straight people settle down with whatever they think they deserve and marry it, and I wish I could forcefeed your column (easy there...) down a few throats...
Straight gals, it's pretty simple - if you like a guy, go talk to him. If he minds, he's not someone you want. Forget all the BS that's been taught to you for generations about trying to make him come to you rather than you going to him. And all that fear you have about "will he like me? will he slap me?" is exactly what men go through every single time they ask you out.
So the guys who find you attractive don't interest you, but the guys you do find attractive are not interested?
Sounds like 95% of everyone's OK Cupid inbox/sent messages dichotomy
It's quite common to hear women say they won't approach a guy and chat him up because "men don't like that." But I see that as simply an excuse for fear of rejection, the same fear that, as you noted, men have to deal with all the time.
A few years ago, on a dating message board, this topic was being discussed by a lot of men and women. I told the women what I wrote above (@ 145): a woman doesn't actually have to approach a guy. All she has to do is make her interest in him obvious and he will likely take it from there. What I found interesting is that most of the women said they weren't even willing to make their interest in a guy obvious because if they did, and he didn't respond, that meant they were being rejected. By keeping their interest in a guy not obvious, it gave them an ego-saving out. If the guy didn't respond, they could tell themselves it wasn't because they were being rejected but because the guy wasn't able to pick up on their signals. I'd never thought of that before but it made perfect sense.
I agree with you that gym girl doesn't have to ask the guy out right away -- I think your suggestion is excellent -- but she asked Dan "Should I try to talk to him again?", so she appears to be afraid of even trying to make small talk with him (probably due to a fear that he won't respond favorably.)
see if he's done talking about drugs or poo-eaters. Sheesh. It's like getting mad at Ask Amy for giving bad advice. Or Family Circus for being inane.
Dan - you often encourage people to pay for sex as needed to satisfy their needs. Please consider doing a column about being a socially-responsible consumer. How can sex consumers take steps to support consensual sex workers, and what should they do if they think a sex worker is a victim of trafficking?
I guess the sarcasm flew over a lot of peoples' heads. but really...
As an educator, and someone who has committed their life to helping children grow up strong, I need to say that you are heroes of the best, most vital kind! It Gets Better makes us all better - frightened gay children, haters who want to stop hating, young people full of questions and middle aged straight people like me. We are all challenged by you to reach inside ourselves for what is strong, proud, loving and accepting. You have changed the world, and you have given hope to so many people. Thank-you!
#154 is exactly right: gay men are all supposed to "celebrate" queeniness, camp, and the sissy-stereotype mannerisms in our culture. We even are expected to embrace drag queens and trannies as somehow closer to us, than their own unique group.
But God forbid if we dare say we prefer to be with masculine acting men who may watch NFL instead of "Glee". I don't see how wanting to associate with people whose interests are more like you should be seen as denigrating those who are not.
Dan's advice is probably correct but it doesn't seem like you have a very good relationship with your husband anyway. 8 years into my marriage my wife did put on some weight, and I remember thinking "wow I guess I will love her no matter what" because I just didn't mind. I was more concerned with her health and well being than how it made her look.
Also, there are a lot of comments about the numbers but when I was 15 I weighed 160 lbs and I was about 5'8". There wasn't much fat though since my hobbies were baseball and climbing trees. Yes I liked to climb trees. I did it a lot and I got really high up in them. My back and shoulders got pretty strong as a result. Now, 20 years later I weigh 260, and I could definitely lose some weight, but I also feel really good at this weight.
If walking up to 'fine guy' for blatantly romantic purposes is too intimidating, just break the conversation barrier: Ask him how to use a particular machine, or how to do a particular excersize.
Don't settle for a short answer, ask him to show you, then ask him to check out your form. He'll likely appreciate the opportunity to feel knowledgable, you'll give him even more permission to check you out, you can both smile and joke close up, which will likely get the ball rolling.
If he still doesn't ask you out, you can give him a pretty casual - "Whew, I could use a break... Let's grab a protein shake/vitamin water/coffee/whaever" If he declines, he's either taken or gay.
And I'll concur 100% with whomever said it before... If you want to get hit on at the gym, you need to take out your earphones. It feels very UN-casual (and therefore intimidating) to ask someone to take them out so you can strike up a conversation.
I'm an assertive guy, and I've struck up conversations at the gym, but if the girl is wearing earphones, it's not happening. I even saw a girl smile at me when she got on the elliptical next to me, and soon after, she took out her earphones - It may seem like a blatant signal, but it got me to ask her out. :)
Because everybody else is being so polite PSGWAC, let me break it down for you:
If you want to go out with him GET OFF YOUR FUCKING LAZY ENTITLED 1959 ASS AND ASK HIM OUT. It's 2010, for god's sake, and being a modern woman means giving up some of your comfort zones. The men had to, so it's your turn.
And hopeless douchenozzles who use "feminazi" aside, @33 is a pretty good example of the sort of idiot that wants it both ways: they want the ability to sexually approach the opposite sex totally winnowed out of almost every place where men and women interact, but also want to pretend that men are able to continue and should be able to magically know exactly when an approach is or isn't welcome (something which is subjectively determined and changes from person to person and moment to moment).
Listen, @33: most decent gyms don't like guys hitting on the women there and try to stop it, and even provide women-only times and locations to reinforce the message ("men are so likely to hit on you that we won't even let them into this location, so you're fine!") Most decent guys are trained not to bug women at the gym. In such a context, hitting on a woman at a gym IS prima facie sexual harassment, no matter how deep your denial.
I don't really think this is about feminism as much as it is about being shy and depressed, which affects both men and women. Everyone's been shy and scared to approach someone, so I don't think that's reason to be pissed at her.
And I agree that post 143 is right on, but I don't know where all these ideas about gyms are coming from: gyms are social places and it's perfectly appropriate to say hi and start a conversation (which is all 'hitting on' really is).
On behalf of them, thank you....
Your view of gyms seems to be at odds with other people's experiences of gyms. My own view is that this may be due to different gyms. All I can tell you from my personal experience is that almost all women of my acquaintance hate being romantically or sexually approached in gyms. You may be rather over-leaning on the subjectivity of who's doing the approaching. Further it doesn't address the world-class whinging of the letter writer who specifically identified the gym as a place where she buried herself after a bad relationship (ie because she didn't want to date guys) and then writes into SL kvetching that a guy won't approach her in a gym. In many ways she's a classic example of the no-win scenario that most guys have to navigate as they try to figure out what is and isn't permissible compared to the simplicity of their fathers' and grandfathers' generations.
That said, there was one message from that book that's good: if you've repeatedly asked a guy out and he declines, he probably isn't into you.
It's also possible that no matter how much gender roles change, guys will do most of the direct approaching and girls will do most of the hinting and subtle signaling; some of that is probably biological and hormonal.
I assume from your spelling of 'whining' that you're British; I wonder if there's a UK/US difference here? Also, my gym is a large university gym and tends to be pretty social. To be clear, I'm referring to starting a friendly conversation and expressing interest in getting to know the person more, as opposed to crass, vulgar, or offensive comments (which are pretty much unacceptable anywhere).
I don't really see it as a no-win scenario. Just ignore the fools who think there's a problem with approaching someone, start conversations with people if you want, and leave people alone if they're clearly not interested.
"Straight Actor", there are plenty of gay men who are "straight" and are not the stereotypical queens perpetrated by society (straight or gay). And you will have to forgive Dan, he's simply angry at your use of the concept that there are "gay" and "straight" ways to act. He was wrong for not forgiving your naivete.
Just wanted to say don't lose hope. My French teacher from high school would be perfect for you. He is exactly like what you described, and masculine. Unfortunately for you (but happily for him) he's been in a committed relationship with his partner for many many many years.
But they are out there! Good luck!
45, if you weren't already aware, calling someone (usually a woman) "Toots" makes YOU come across as bitter and a victim. Sort yourself out. You are probably the same sort of person who blames others because YOU aren't getting to be sexist, racist or any of "PC" of the world which of course, you would tell anyone who would listen how the world is going down the pan and how in the good ol' days you could just call a "girl" "Toots" and they'd giggle.
Once again, there IS a big difference between asking someone on a date and sexual harassment but for those who can't seem to figure it out:
1. Power staring at a woman who is clearly ignoring you? Creepy. Approaching that woman and she turns you down and then you go back and bother her or continue the power staring because she turned you down? Harassment. That is logical.
2. Seeing a woman who looks attractive and you two have met or maybe have made OBVIOUS eye contact (and I don't mean the kind where you power stare at her and she stares back because she can't figure out "why" the creepy guy is staring a hole through her) then you ask her out and she says, "no" then no damage. She says "no" and you feel a need to call her a "dyke" or a "cunt" or a "whore" or a "fucking bitch" because she turned you down? Harassment.
3. Treating her the way you'd like to be treated by a complete stranger? Polite and respectful of her space, privacy and vulnerability? No issues, here. Walking over to her and making a comment about her body and you haven't even met her? Harassment.
It is astonishing how much folks in the US have allowed themselves to veer so far from common sense. Surely, you all are old enough to write to an advice column so surely you can treat others with dignity and respect. EVEN if you don't know how it feels yourself you can figure out basic social behaviour.
45 - No one has taken anything from you nor is anyone stopping you from living the life you see fit but if you really think that any woman wants to be called "Toots" then you have a lot of just life learning ahead of you.
The reason why you've had "it crammed down your throat" is because for centuries men have had the luxury of simply getting on with their lives and it is not logical for women to constantly have their space invaded by men grabbing their bodies, making comments about their faces or their bodies or talking to them as if they are a piece of meat to be used and ignored.
That is "why" you've had it crammed down your throat.
If you are really so indignant about being told "what to do" then the next time you see a man acting like the above, then say something to HIM.
You folks are not children (or, maybe you are, who knows) so common sense could, if you allow it, prevail here.
Come on, how difficult is it really to think for yourselves? Apparently, very.