Columns Dec 2, 2010 at 4:00 am

Macho Drama


Does anyone ever get the impression that most of the letters that Dan prints must come from people who've never read the column, because, if they had, they would know the answers to the questions they send?

How many "I can't come," "I can't make my boyfriend/girlfriend come," "my boyfriend/girlfriend is upset that he/she can't make me come," etc. questions do we have to deal with?

Sorry - I'm very cranky today. I can't come.

I can't tell what "Have My Cake" WANTS. Also, what kind of young guy doesn't want a threesome?
OMG i'm first.
I'm sure for the time I post I won't be anymore.

And I have a question.
"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too."
Are you talking on experience? I've thought of buying one, just for fun. And that statement excites me.
LOL @ 1.
I feel like I have been in all of the above situations and now, at age 28 happily married with two kids, I'm finally having non-vibrator induced orgasms with my seriously awesome husband. It took a lot of years, talking, experimenting and GGGing.

It helps that we're both long-time Savage readers.
There are guys who want MFM threesomes but without any kind of homo contact, and there exist straight guys and lesbians. As I can't seem to understand how men or women would like clits, I pretty much understand there is people who don't want threesomes, especially knowing there are actually many gay couples that wanna stay that way.
My sex life improved immensely when I learned to think of stuff like this not as "issues" but as individual quirks and preferences. For fuck's (literally) sake, just enjoy yourself!
@1 exactly. After reading the column for a few years I can almost anticipate what dan's response will be to these types of questions.
Good column. lol @ vulvo drama!
No no, I agree, nyker.
The problem that BLOWJOB is obsessing over is one that I have as well- my cock just isn't that sensitive. I can get off with a wank, but my wife can't get me there my hand or mouth. (It has the added benefit of giving me a lot of stamina, though, so it's not all bad.)

As for the guy who doesn't want a threesome- maybe he just doesn't want to mess up a great relationship by including someone else in it? Unless you can detach your emotions from sex and view the third person as a playmate and nothing more (which most people can't really manage), there is going to be some emotional impact that will affect the couple. Sounds like it's headed down the tubes anyway, though...
HaveMyCake doesn't have to start by dumping her clueless boyfriend. She could tell him that her goal for the new year is to figure out how to have an orgasm, and he can either come along for the ride or not. Also, she wants to sleep with someone else, yet to be determined. He can come along for that too, or not.

Maybe he'll be cool with the whole thing, and support her, and maybe he'll even open up about what turns him on... Or maybe he'll walk (and she'll see that he wasn't really supporting her before, he was just controlling her).

She won't be any worse off than she is now, and she will be on the road to improving things greatly.

Then, to put her New Year's resolution into action, she should get herself a couple of vibes (one a Hitachi) and read a couple of sexy stories on literotica each day.

I dunno Dan, vibrators don't seem to do anything for my dick other than feel a little numb.

Also, BLOWJOB, there are probably just as many guys out there who can't get off from a woman's (good or lousy) handjob or blowjob as women who can't get off from a guy's (equally good or lousy) fingering or cunnilingus.
Funny, I could be BOOB (gets off alone but not partnered, has a quasi-narcissistic boob fetish) and my boyfriend could be BLOWJOB's (doesn't come from blowjobs or handjobs). Except neither of us is terribly troubled by this. How we are sexually is how we are... as long as we're both enjoying ourselves, where's the problem? I am working to increase my range and learn to come with a partner, but stressing out about it would be pretty counter-productive.
I think HMC should also be reassured that there are literally billions of men in the world who would lose no sleep whatsoever over her lack of orgasm.

Where could she get the idea that any guy would be upset? I blame those Twilight movies. Sheesh.
@ 3 "I've thought of buying one..."

A dick? A clit? Or a vibrator? Which one--and where do you shop?

@ 16
One of these is not like the other...
Dan's advice to TWAT is spot on.

I would add, good for her for getting a vibe and starting to play with herself before being sexually active with partners. Knowing how you work is key to making it work with others. Enjoy the toys.
I have a dear friend, blowjob, who swore he would marry the first girl who could get him off with oral. It's not as easy as it seems and it only gets harder with age and more experienced partners. If he's satisfied, let it be. If he's not, then try talking about what you could do to make it better. And know, if it were really that bad, he wouldn't be hard, much less begging for what really rocks
It's a little unfair to call it "macho drama". Sometimes it is. But sometimes it's just a partner who would love to feel like they are giving just as much pleasure as they receive. And it can be very frustrating.

On the other hand, the only solution is to relax and try new things. Freaking out only makes things worse. The more it seems like you're trying, the less likely it is to work. Eventually you find the way, or you don't and move on.
And to bring this around to one of Dan's hobbyhorses, many guys worry that if they aren't keeping their girlfriends satisfied the girlfriend will either a) leave him or b) marry him and then immediately stop having sex with him. The first is painful but okay; the second is a big problem.
Apparently anyone you don't FUCK but have a relationship with is an "emotional tampon." I'll be sure to let my friends and family know. Matter of fact -- not sure why I'm wasting my time on any of them. If we don't FUCK, then what's the point?

My boyfriend has macho drama over the fact that I can't come during vaginal intercourse, even if he's hitting all the right places! For some sick reason, my clit doesn't feel right when he's inside me, and he's often complained about how it's like his fingers do nothing. He also gets annoyed at how sore his wrists get in getting me of via masturbation, despite the fact that I spent 45 minutes on him in order to give him his first successful oral-induced orgasm. The lesson is that love and patience can over come even the most annoying sexual problem.
Dan is full of shit in his response to HMC. I mean, Christ, a guy can't win. If he's unhappy that his girl can't get off, then he's accused of being insecure, or making her self-conscious or feel ashamed. But if he leaves it alone, then he's accused of "not giving a shit about [her] sexual pleasure". Fuck that noise.

Maybe we should agree that ALL PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ORGASMS, whether they're men or women? And that if a woman hasn't figured out how to get off, maybe it's her responsibility to decide whether that's a problem, not his? And that part of being an adult is not expecting another person to figure out your body for you?

Having said that, @20 is bang on. It's not "macho drama" to feel frustrated when you can't get your partner off (or if when they get off it's not that great for them, and can only happen in a very specific position, neurotic neurotic neurotic, etc.). People who can get off easily and consistently are usually more fun in bed, and anyone who wants to be fun in bed should figure that shit out.
TQA -- I've been there! For several months, actually, the only time I ever orgasmed with my boyfriend was when I did it myself. But:

(a) he loved watching me


(b) I learned to love the extra stimulation from him after a few tries

so that was fun for a long time, and eventually, yeah, sometimes I orgasm in other ways now too. I still quite like my hand, though.

So I advise you to learn to love watching her get off, and be patient with that (let her take as long as she needs to; if she stops and says it isn't working, just accept that and keep enjoying her company). The transition takes time, but it can be worth it.
HAHAHAHAHA did anybody else not laugh out loud at "emotional tampon"?
Hey BLOWJOB: I bet he could cum in your ass, too. Give it a shot. Anal is pretty fucken hot.
Re: Have My Cake -- Easy there, Dan. You did read the part of her letter where she says "...I've never been able to come. I've never experienced an orgasm"...right? She made that pretty clear. Twice. Unless you edited out the words "with him" -- twice -- you are accusing him of not giving a shit, when the reality is she hasn't figured out how to come herself. How the hell is he supposed to know how to do it when she doesn't? How can he possibly have a more intimate connection with her state of arousal and instantaneous nerve feedback than she does herself? To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass.

As to why he is completely against the idea of a threesome, maybe that's because he knows damned well that his girlfriend has already stuck him squarely in The Friend Zone, and that all it will take is her finding another man who actually excites her sexually and he's out the door entirely.

Message to the boyfriend, if he's reading this: DTMFA. Why would you want to remain in a sexual relationship with someone who is not attracted to you, who is not aroused by you, who wants to fuck other people more than you? You want to be her best friend, fine, go ahead and be her best friend, but be honest about it being from the The Friend Zone. Meanwhile, go find yourself an actual girlfriend.
Question to BLOWJOB: Why is it important to you that he comes as a result of what you are doing with your mouth/hands? Is this some sort of trophy for you?

Seems to me you are making his orgasms be all about you. Don't do that.
@28 FTW:
'To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass....'
That said, I do enjoy the themed weeks, Dan. Hilarious responses this week.
Great column, but Dan seemed a bit grumpy. Maybe it's because of what #1 said. How many times does he have to answer the same questions?
I agree with @24 and @28. Girls are responsible for saying "I want an orgasm" if they want an orgasm. I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care. So am I an asshole now?

A man cannot stop fucking every thirty seconds saying "Do you still not care if you want an orgasm or not? Are you sure? Do you want me to help you? Do you want to completely lose the spontaneity of this moment?" It doesn't work. If girls want something, they must say that they want it. NO ONE READS MINDS.

So, let me get this straight: according to you, anyone who isn't highly orgasmic is at fault for their own condition, because obviously orgasmic capacity can be controlled by force of will and has nothing to do with nerve endings or neurotransmitters. Good to know.

So am I an asshole now?

Given the overall self-centered tone of your comment, and the fact that you consistently refer to women as "girls," I'm going to go out on a limb and say "yes," as in "yes, you are an asshole."
I'm kind of surprised Dan didn't mention to BLOWJOB that her boyfriend might have 'deathgrip syndrome.' He may be used to a certain amount of pressure from his own hand that he can't get from her hand or mouth. Perhaps varying his grip during masturbation, or laying off the masturbation for a while, would help? Or she could just take Dan's advice and get over it.
With respect to advice given HMC (Dec.2), I doubt the wisdom of suggesting sex is not compatible with bestfriendmanship. It might apply to HMC, but not the world at large.
#1, #31, et al:
Dan is writing an *advice* column, not a column to feed your appetite for novelty, though hopefully, that's often one and the same thing. He is *educating,* not necessarily entertaining his readership, and he needs to address the actual letter writers and their real concerns.
Yes, we've seen this problem before: the fact that it's so prevalent would seem to require the occasional readdressing of it. The letter writer (HMC)is 21, and has been with her bf since she was 19. Perhaps we've all been reading Dan for the past 10 years, but she may not have. Maybe she hasn't read anything about human sexuality until recently. She is having a problem; she wrote to the sex-advice columnist. Sorry (for you) that her problem was so humdrum and didn't involve pitbull sodomy, but I guarantee you that if it was *your* problem, you'd want a little help with it.
This is the most helpful column ever! Seriously, it summed up ALL the questions I ever thought of asking Dan Savage!

Well except for the last one... how is that a problem?

But really, great column! Thank you! I have common traits with all three of the women, and their problems are also mine. Thanks again!
And sorry I was so cranky in my last posting, but I can only come when I get surly with strangers.

So thanks: I feel more relaxed now.
@13: Try using the vibe on your taint.
@32. Yes you are. "I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care." Um, yes, dumbass, she does. Most women DON'T come through fucking alone, so if you've already started fucking without getting her there, stopping every 30 seconds to ask about it ain't gonna help. Ever heard of foreplay? Spend more time on it. And make an effort to do it right. Here's a word that can help you enourmously: TEASE. Don't go right for the goods... kiss her right NEXT to the nipple, blow on it, lick all around it until she's dying for you to close your lips around the target. And I'm not talking 30 seconds of teasing, take five or ten minutes to get there. Don't even think about going down south until she's squirming and moaning. Take your time, tease her there too. You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso? Spend some time there. Just behind the knee too. Use your imagination. Spend at least a half-hour on foreplay and you'll be the studmuffin you always dreamed you could be.
Part of what gets YOU off should be getting HER off.
@34: All right, Mr. Jellyfish.

When I was very young I used the word "women". At the time, I believed it was demeaning to call females "girls" because it suggested all women were childlike and naiive (In the same way that many Japanese names for women contain the kanji for "child"). However, a number of women/girls whose word I trusted complained to me about this. They said that being referred to as "woman" rather than "girl" made them feel old, which depressed them. So I stopped. Behold, the evolution of an asshole.

Next, what would you have me do? Should I take the position of "Women lack willpower and imagination and don't know what's best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not." Is that good?

I take the position that people (all people) approach sex as something that's fun--ie where people cooperate to achieve the good feelings that they want.
I am not a doctor, but I believe the usual advice to someone who cannot achieve orgasm, is to first rule out a physical problem through a doctor's exam.
"You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso?"

Know it? I invented that tendon!

Thanks for the image, ggg.
@37 & @39

What are you - Dan's lawyer?

Get a grip on yourself. It's called SARCASM and Dan is very familiar with it.

If you've been reading Dan for 10 years, you know he can dish it out too.
That wasn't sarcasm, it was just whining.
Nocutename was absolutely right.
@avast2006 - heh...yep, spot-on about DTMFA - I'm betting BF is a) not feeling "friend" but feeling "lover" and b) thinks she's hot and wants to keep nailing her. Still, nothing is a boner-killer like trying to do someone who really isn't interested.

On BLOWJOB - I'm one of those guys...I went a VERY long time - until my mid-thirties - before I got off from a blowjob. That blowjob was given to me by one very talented and DETERMINED lady who really really got off herself on sucking and swallowing. So, yeah, completion was very important to her own sexual satisfaction. I was left with my ears ringing...I did NOT over-analyze why/what got her off, but instead we just enjoyed.

It's fine for her to want to work at this...but she should also make sure he understands that this is WHAT GETS HER OFF. I used to get very self-conscious about my inability to get off from oral, and that head-game really kept me blocked. I felt pressure to "hurry up" before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp...and that interfered. This gal made it clear that what got her off was sucking and that she was experiencing a lot of pleasure, regardless of what happened for me...and that set me free. I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard.
@2: All kinds of guys. All "what kind of [x] doesn't like [x]" statements are unhelpful and intimidating. You might as well say, "Straight guys who don't want threesomes are obviously closet gays." Ooh, yeah, that sounds pretty crazy and judgmental.

@40: I'm kind of with @32 on the issue of straightforward communication. Sometimes I just want to help my BF get off, and he doesn't stop pestering me about "finishing" when I really, genuinely can't be bothered. DUDE! I said I don't want an orgasm! I'm not playing mind games here ... I just want to be GGG and then get some freakin' sleep.

People can joke about how that's a "good" problem, but it wears on you after a while. It makes me self-conscious about how his pleasure is predicated on mine, and basically, the pressure is on me to guarantee we BOTH have a good time. Yeah, that sounds like relaxed, sexy fun.
@46: "I felt pressure to 'hurry up' before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp...and that interfered."

Nice one. A lot of women experience the same problem (I did) and I think maybe we don't hear from men enough on the same point. Everyone just assumes all men explode on the mere thought of a blowjob, without realizing that puts pressures on them.
@40- most useful comment so far.
Re all the posts on blowjobs - here's a technique that has worked for me with guys who didn't come easily from blowjobs: I start with a nice, leisurely blowjob, no pressure to come, I'm just having the time of my life down here, slobbering, etc... then have him lend his own hand, in place of my hand, while I continue to lick and suck the head, sometimes just the tip, depending on where his hand needs to go.

Dear Blowjob: The first thing you should make sure of is that your boyfriend doesn't masturbate for a few days before you try next time.

Dear Confluence: We're talking about a woman who is unhappy in a relationship but isn't telling her partner that important truth because she -- supposedly -- values his friendship so much.
BOOB stated that her experiences with women didn't do anything for her.

But it seems like her experiences with men aren't doing much for her either.

I wish BOOB luck with the boyfriend, but I don't think she should rule out the possibility that she's got some genuine gay tendencies.
It seems that the advice for women who can't come with their partners but can come on their own is to play with themselves in front of their partners as a fun/teaching experience.

I can come on my own, and I love all kinds of touching from my partners, but usually can't come from this. I've tried to get myself off while with a partner, but when I touch myself in the presence of another person my nerve endings literally go dead. i can't feel anything.

Anyone else have this?

ps. my current boyfriend cared enough to spend a potload of time trying and does, in fact, get me off, so no need to feel too sad for me
It sounds as though you are already working on the problem. After a lucky first try, it took months before my ex could suck me to orgasm. And yes, I was slow to 'get there' every other way, having been alone for a looong time.

There is a kind of bond built up where the shared feeling builds, when she knew that I knew that she new that I knew etc. that the fuse was lit. Until then, I could wank for her; I could come in her mouth after wanking, she could suck me accross the finish line after I had done most of the work and so on....

Sizes of mouth/hands/schlong are almost certainly irrelevant. Fervor, desire, and familiarity are probably most important.

And practice, practice, practice.
If your man is not getting off on your blowjobs, then maybe, young lady, you need lessons. There are good blowjobs and there are very bad ones. If you want the best tips, go to an Old Gay Man who is still sucking cock. He gives the best blowjobs and can instruct you. I know. I'm one of them.
@nocutename - LMAO at that last comment! I will be borrowing that one for myself

As for the matter at hand, I've related to every single one of these issue. Especially the first one. I totally get off thinking of fucking women when I masturbate. I get nowhere actually fucking someone Im, A) not attracted to or, B) isnt interested in my pleasure while fucking them (that part is especially crappy!). I fixed those problems by sleeping with some one DIFFERENT.

@53, I have that issue. Cant seem to get over it. When I did come with someone else it was usually them inducing it. I dont quite understand what I have to get over to make myself come with another person around! Im thinking about incorporating vibrators since they susually work pretty well for me. I havent used one myself in ages but it might be back to the drawing board for this situation.
@2: Fuck you. Plenty of guys don't want a threesome because it's a hassle, because they prefer to focus their attentions, because the the girls that would be up for it are skeezy, because any number of reasons. Amazingly enough, it's not at all uncommon to not be into a threesome any more than it's uncommon to be not into eating seafood.

Dan: Please, for us reading this, please define the exact amount of care we should have about our partner, relative to their own level of give-a-shit. Because apparently if I care about giving as much as I get, I'm making "macho drama" and accepting an answer of "you can't but I don't care" is being a dick. So please, pull out a 30 gauge needle and draw that line indicating the field of "acceptable amount of empathy for my partner's enjoyment". Or just let us know how much of a hypocrite you are, that's fine too.
#47 (Gloria): My husband and I take turns being the center of attention in bed when one of us is hot to trot, but the other would rather help the other get off, then get some more sleep. It took a while for him to realize I was serious when I said, "You don't have to get me off every time I get you off; we can take turns, based on how we feel, and things will even out," but now he likes how this arrangement takes the pressure off. It helps both of us be more willing to fool around more often! Maybe you could try telling your boyfriend that, and see if you can get through to him. Good luck!
@43: You're welcome!
@46: "I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard."--THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
@47: I hear ya, I'm all for giving and not receiving occasionally. But this is someone who has NEVER gotten off. Different story.
@ Erica P: Thank you, and great advice on the BJ!
@55: So? Advise, already! We're all listening. Wait. Lemme pour a glass of wine first.
Hey 55- feel free to share any tips!
@47: (Charles) "Should I take the position of "Women lack willpower and imagination and don't know what's best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not." GAWD you sound like a tool. You should give a shit if your girl can come with you. If she can't, and she says she doesn't care, she's trying to take the pressure off of YOU. Cause she CARES. So get the fuck out of your head, start being nicer, give her a nice long backub, stroke her skin, draw her a bath, get her in the mood. And for god's sake, stop talking like THAT. You're lucky anyone will have sex with you.
@57: Um. Did someone skip their meds today?
@31 No vicodin this week, perhaps?

@39 Ha!

And more generally... learn something new every day! Didn't know there was a sizeable contingent of guys who had trouble getting off on blowjobs. Certainly not my experience so far, but now I know...
"I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care. So am I an asshole now?"

Nope. I agree with everything you've said on the subject of women owning their own orgasms, actually, with the one small codicil: instead of totally giving up on her orgasms when she says she doesn't care, try to talk about it just a little further (same goes for men who say they don't care about their own orgasms).

Example: when I got married, I told my then-husband not to bother giving me oral because I wasn't into it. So, for the nine years that we were married, he didn't bother with cunnilingus. Ever. I'm not angry about this; he was only doing what I told him.

BUT. If my ex-husband had asked why I wasn't into oral, I would've told him (truthfully) "because I'm so sensitive that it's easy to hurt me, and because I psych myself out feeling like I'm taking too long and the guy wishes I'd hurry up and finish already."

After which, maybe my ex could have asked me to point out those too-sensitive areas, experimented to see if he could go down on me while avoiding those trouble spots, and reassured me that he loved taking the time to do this for me. And maybe I would've ended up loving oral sex and having a million good experiences with it (instead of the ten or fifteen good experiences I've had since divorcing his ass).

So I think when someone says they don't care about having an orgasm, or about having an orgasm in a certain way, or if they say they don't like something or have a hangup about something, it's really important to discuss why. Although admittedly this can be tricky because you don't want the other person to feel like you're overriding their stated preferences or that you're making them into a project: "I will be the First Person Ever to Make You Orgasm!!!"

...Of course, if you don't actually want to try to help them, just accept their "no thanks" and move along. Or if you want to help and try, sweetly and sensitively, to get your partner to open up a bit more about their feelings, and they're like "NO SERIOUSLY I'M FINE", that's also a time to accept their word and move along.
"So get the fuck out of your head, start being nicer, give her a nice long backub, stroke her skin, draw her a bath, get her in the mood. "

I thought my bf had difficulty getting me off because his wrist tends to give out right when I need him to go harder/faster. But I guess the problem is actually that he wasn't nice enough to me. I mean, he did run me a bath, and then he massaged me for like forty minutes, but I didn't get off so clearly that wasn't enough.

Oh! Next time I'll demand candles! That should do it.

Seriously, ggg, I'm sorry you've apparently had horrible and inattentive partners in the past but not every guy with a non-orgasmic partner is an asshole and not every woman needs a bunch of romance-novel stuff to get her in the mood. Sometimes, one person just needs a kind of stimulation that the other is physically incapable of sustaining. Hell, sometimes a person can't even sustain it themselves, and need to use a vibrator every time.
"Hey, Honey, you want an orgasm?"
"Nah, I don't care."
"Fine by me!"

That is some seriously fucked-up shit. Of course you don't FORCE an orgasm on someone. If you love em, you make it your business to find out what's going on so you can help 'em get there.
@ Have My Cake,

I was in your shoes with the boyfriend you love, but the sexual attraction is gone. I love my ex-husband truly, and we could have just settled into a lifetime of companionship because we are best friends (even now), but look down the road, to a future he happy that he's not getting sexual fulfillment from his girlfriend who is his best friend? Are you happy? Because if you don't see that happiness together then, you're both being set up for complications, or even resentment.

If he's fine with the way things are, if he's good with just a companion instead of a lover, than that's his choice. But if his needs aren't being met, best friend or not, he has to be allowed to move on and find someone who does better fit his needs.

Either way, you have a choice to make, but don't forget, so does he.
64: Why the hypothetical if-he-had-bothered-to-investigate-he-might-have-found-out-something-useful scenario? If you wanted him to figure out exactly what the problem was and to fix it, that's what you should have told him.

Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess? If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.

Green Eggs and Ham is bullshit, and Sam-I-Am is an asshole.
@32: I read minds, and I'm gagging over yours.
Anyone have advice for someone who IS reliant on her vibe for an orgasm? I've tried manual masturbation, but lose interest pretty quickly, and then I'm just annoyed because I'm not horny anymore, but didn't get an orgasm.
I'm only going to respond to 64/65 because she was polite.

My girlfriend and I spend about 30 minutes on foreplay, and she ends it by very loudly demanding intercourse. In the spirit of teasing her, I have at times ignored this and continued with foreplay/digital/oral stimulation for another 10 minutes or so, in the hope that more of the same will equal her orgasm, but her arousal seems to taper off in these cases. Despite all this, I don't usually time my sex exactly by the clock so it's possible I'm overestimating the time I spend. I'll try that next time.

As you seem to suggest, it's also possible I'm thinking wishfully when I assume that every person has enough sexual drive to actively seek out their own orgasm. Maybe some people need to be helped out or egged on. I will suggest we focus on her pleasure again and see if she's any more open to what kind of stimulation she wants.
I love Dans columns. I've also never had sex, despite being in my mid 20s. I've finally met someone I'm comfortable with and have been enjoying 2nd base (it may sound pathetic, but this is all new to me), but then I read the bickering on here and it sometimes seriously freaks me out! :).

I'm with you all the way on this one. You can't blame a person for failing to read your mind, especially when what you said was "I'm not into this,."
Let me start by saying that I have to wonder if the first two writers ever tried asking their partners for clitoral stimulation during PIV sex. It sounds like a simple solution, and I know Dan has suggested it before, but it seems like lots of women view the two as separate parts of sex. Personally, I had never had an orgasm until I was having sex with my boyfriend and he was rubbing my clit during. Now, that's our standard, and I actually didn't even learn how to masturbate until after I experienced that!

@57 When I first started dating my boyfriend and I confided in him that I'd never had an orgasm, he looked mildly sympathetic and sincerely said, "I want you to have an orgasm." Still, he recognized that he didn't have to feel guilty if I didn't get there right away, and we were always open about what was/wasn't working in that department. That is the right amount of giving a shit.

@70 I've never actually masturbated with a vibrator, but I can relate to what you mean about feeling tired/bored and frustrated with manual masturbation. Until I learned what an orgasm felt like, that's exactly how I felt about masturbating. I rarely even attempted it. Now, I come from masturbating 100% of the time. So, I'll share my method with you. It's not pretty, but it works! I lie on my back and bring my knees up to my chest. That's important. I don't know exactly why, but the sensations are never powerful enough for me to orgasm if I'm not in that position. Next, I rub my clit in all kinds of different ways (slow and direct, hard and fast, on the sides, on the top) to get the horniness feeling uploaded. Then, at the same time, I work in directly fingering my g-spot (right behind the pubic bone, which stands out in that position) a few times until I feel like I'm going to explode, and then I kick everything up to turbo speed...ta-da! The whole process usually takes me 5-10 minutes. And even though this is SLOG and anything goes, I felt very odd describing all that! ha! Hope it gives you some ideas!
omg why even read the column if you're going to be so pissy at Dan. Save it, please.

It's certainly helpful to know such a thing can be accomplished in 5-10 minutes. I'm happy to say my G-spot and I are old friends.

I'll give that a try (with edits to see what works best). Hope it freaking works, cause I hate doing all that work with no results. >
Don't freak out. We can get a bit testy over here, but after we've come we are much nicer.
Seriously, the world is full of people with different opinions.
Be open to many and you might broaden your insights.
Hopefully, they can be expressed respectfully, but some people are politeness-challenged. That's no reason to stop being excited about sex.
"Funny, I could be BOOB (gets off alone but not partnered, has a quasi-narcissistic boob fetish) and my boyfriend could be BLOWJOB's (doesn't come from blowjobs or handjobs). Except neither of us is terribly troubled by this. How we are sexually is how we are... as long as we're both enjoying ourselves, where's the problem? I am working to increase my range and learn to come with a partner, but stressing out about it would be pretty counter-productive. "

This may seem obvious, but have you tried titty-fucking? Seems like it would address both your quirks!
I am only able to orgasm with my vibrator, and only in one position. Additionally, I didn't orgasm at all until I was 38.
Do I spend a lot of time crying about it? Do I try to "correct" this phisiological "flaw?"

Hell No! I'm grateful for each damn orgasm I have.

I consider them gifts from the universe.
Sure, I wish that I could achieve orgasm more easily, and yes, I wish I didn't have to be dependent on an outside appliance to come (makes spontaneous sex when I'm away from my nightstand less wonderful), but I'm a "glass three-quarters-full" kind of girl.

Not that I don't understand people's frustration, but sometimes we need to be reminded that these are "luxury" problems!
Can you orgasm? Yay! There's no one more grateful and less demanding than someone for whom sexual fulfillment came relatively late.

If you wanted him to figure out exactly what the problem was and to fix it, that's what you should have told him.

Dude, I was 23 and painfully un-self-aware. I didn't realize there was a solveable problem - I really thought I just wasn't into getting oral. If he'd tried to investigate a little further (i.e. if he weren't a dumbass 23 year old, too), we could have picked apart that mental snarl, felt a lot more intimate with each other, and I could've possibly been having really good orgasms.

Again I repeat: I'm not angry that my ex didn't ask. I'm just a little disappointed. It sucks sometimes to be in my mid-30s and just discovering this act that all other women seem to consider the holy grail of sex.

I'm equally disappointed that I wasn't able to dissect and explain my own feelings better (thereby perhaps getting the same orgasmful results), but whatever. Water under the bridge, right?

Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess?

Saying, "Oh, okay. What don't you like about it?" is not the same thing as saying "well that's dumb and I'm going to do it anyway" or "well tell me why not and then I'll fix what I'm sure is a massive psychological problem that you have."

If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.

And that's why I said that it's hard to do that extra bit of investigation and have it come off well (Jesus christ, it's like nobody's actually grasping anything I'm saying today. Did I leave the Invisible Lock key on?). But it can be a very valuable thing to understand why someone doesn't like or want something. Not even necessarily so you can convince them to do that thing - sometimes it might work the other way and help you to predict other things they might not like.

Knowing each other well is good.
@40: Welp, that got me all hot and bothered... thanks, I guess.
Correct amount of "give a shit" for a straight guy, concerning his partner's orgasms:

Don't give up on trying to get her off if she can't seem to do it with a partner. Do your research, try some sex toys, learn about what turns her on, even if she's given up on herself. Make sure she relaxes and enjoys herself, with no pressure on her to orgasm (even if you know you're both hoping for it). If she's not interested in working on it with you and would rather live without orgasms, tell her to date one of those guys who doesn't care if his partner gets off or has a really low sex drive.

If your partner is taking a long time in any particular session, you should ask what you can do to help get her there, but don't put any sort of pressure or time limit on her. If she knows you're impatient, it's not going to happen. If she's out of ideas and frustrated, jump back to foreplay and dirty talk or porn or erotica or whatever can keep her in the mood without having to endure an hour's worth of pussy pounding. If she really wants to give up on her orgasm that night, make sure she's not just saying that because she doesn't want to trouble you, and then do what she says.

BUT, if she says that it just isn't going to happen tonight, believe her and don't let it wound your ego. Sometimes everybody is too tired to bounce back after a mood-killer, sometimes she's feeling too sore to go for much longer, sometimes she's experimenting with something new and it's not working very well but she's too tired to do something new... there are a ton of reasons that have nothing to do with the guy's ego. But if she knows that you're going to feel hurt if she doesn't get off, she's going to start faking it or having even fewer orgasms, because getting off is harder when there's a lot riding on it.

Don't take it personally if she doesn't get off, but don't settle for her giving up on her own orgasms permanently (unless she has a medical condition that's standing in the way or something). It's OK to not get off every time, but you should always do everything you can to help her get there unless she explicitly tells you that orgasms are off the table for that encounter.

@70/blah (on those reliant on vibes for orgasms):

I used to have the same problem. I could get off in a minute with a vibe, so I would give up on manual stimulation if it seemed to be taking too long. But I can do it! Just make sure you stay in the mood with whatever you need to do to keep you there (porn, erotica, etc.) and don't lose focus and start thinking about vacuuming or something. For me, I can go to zero sexual interest to orgasm in a minute or two with a vibrator, but the same journey without a vibe might take me a half hour or more of focusing on sexy things. It takes a whole lot longer without a vibe, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. It may take some experimentation to see what your body likes, but that's part of the fun, right?
I'd like to put in a plug for using different types of stimulation besides vibration, too. (and I agree about mixing it up from time to time) The clitoris is not a nub at the top of the vaginal opening, but a wishbone shaped organ that lines the opening of the vaginal canal. Especially important would be to try stimulation creams and different specialty lubricants, too. Less friction and extra tingly sensations can get things going. My best recommendation for women is to read Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston.
68 FTW.

64 wins the It is "Always the Guys Fault Award for 2010" in the fracked up sexual views to be blamed on other parties category.

/cue music
Real great column this week. Loved the consistent theme throughout which is what distinguishes Dan from all the pretenders.

Brutal but truthful with HMC.

"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT" lmfao.

May have missed it a bit with BOOB, looks to me like a problem is sex rate desire disparity. She doesn't HAVE to cum each time as has been pointed out.

And BLOWJOB, Dan didn't really describe the technique so let me be more detailed and blunt:

Since he can only cum in your pussy you fuck the shit out of him with your pussy until he is just about ready to cum. Then you pull him out of your pussy and suck him off. MMMMmmmm, nothing hotter than the taste of pussy (and cum) on a woman's tongue.

Next time you want to 'practice' you do the same thing stop fucking him with your pussy at an earlier point (that is when he is super turned out but not like last time when he is about ready to cum).

If you pull him out of your pussy to soon and he can't cum in your mouth? Well then, just reinsert and take it up to the point when he is almost spurting again. Rinse and replay.
As Dan said, there is no problem. You really can train that dick to do just about anything you want. Just go slow and have a lot of fun.

And macho/vulvo drama? LMFAO.
Re women getting sick of stimulation before they come -- often helps me if we back off the clit for a couple of minutes (we can talk out a fantasy, or I can go down on him... things like that), and then go back to the manual stimulation.
Inexperiencedguy @72- props to you! 2nd base is great - take your time and enjoy!
@47. You're right. I'm sorry.
@57. I'm sorry. I didn't even mean anything by it.
@64. That's a nice description of the complicated thinking that goes on in our brains. We wish they would look a little BEYOND what we are saying. It's the beyond region that excites us.
You're female, you're young, you've never orgasmed ? Try it on with another partner !

"But he's my best friend & I love him !" So what ? In 15 years from now, once you've made 4 kids together via non-orgasmic sex, either you'll divorce him because you've found how to orgasm (elsewhere), or he'll divorce you because he's having hotter sex elsewhere. Sucks for the kids, right ?

So do yourself and him a favor : dump each other. You're not sexually compatible. Somewhere there's bound to be a partner (maybe a more experienced one) who makes you orgasm for the first few times. Then you'll learn exactly how your body works, and you'll know what to expect from sex, what to look for in sex - and you'll be better able to choose a partner for life (or months, or days, depending on what kind of lover you discover yourself to be).

It's really the same mechanism that pushes some gays in the closet : young women hear about pals and older women who orgasm ; they don't ; they give up on their sexuality, even before having figured it up, and they make lifetime commitments - because it's what a 20-30 years-old is supposed to do when she's in love. Eventually they do get what their sexuality is and the previously chosen life no longer fits.

Being different is hard. But acting as if you weren't different - it's worse on the long run. Dan is a good sex educator. Wish I could have read him when I was a young, anorgasmic female. I wouldn't have married the jerk. Yeah he made no macho drama first. But once I was hooked enough (pregnant), then abuse came.
Women are so funny, aren't we? Seriously, the thread wherein everyone is discussing what an asshole move it is for a guy to take a girl at her word when she says she doesn't care about orgasms? Saying, "I'm fine," when you're not really fine is passive-aggressive. Ipso facto, so is saying, "I don't care about orgasms," when you really do. The onus is on the person with the information to share the information, not on the person who needs the information to get it out of the other person by any means necessary. A guy has a duty to create a comfortable environment for sharing, but if he's already done that and she's still saying she's fine, there's nothing else he needs to do. This isn't cops and robbers in the interrogation room. If you want someone to please you, you have to tell them how, and if you don't know how, you have to tell them you care enough for them to help you find out.
#92, I'm with you. If a young woman wants to get married, it's best to hold out for a guy who'll take the time to learn how to give her an orgasm! A guy who makes his pleasure paramount in bed, and doesn't want to explore how best to reciprocate, isn't going to be a good long-term bet outside the bedroom, either.

If a woman doesn't know how to get herself off, though, she's going to have a hard time teaching a guy how to do it.

The books She Comes First and He Comes Second are well-written and informative.
Advice for BLOWJOB. Maybe he just needs some inspiration while you go at it with hands and/or mouth. If all he's seeing is the top of your head and he isn't able to put his hands somewhere they'd enjoy being, then he might not be able to get fully into it. Change position so he's got something to look at and play with while you're doing your thing. Sometimes all it takes is a face full of ass.
@93 - thanks, spot on.
94, go read 93.
#92, you are right!!! My husband is certainly not abusive, he is a total sweetheart, but zzzzzz in the bedroom! I wish I had read Dan when I was younger as well.

Now blowjob tips? I am not a gay man, but I have been told I am good. #1 ingredient? *Enthusiasm*!!!! I LOVE to give head, its so sexy! Enjoy his moans, and the way he moves, and make his pleasure yours. Allow this to get you really hot, and I find a lot of guys who are "not really into blowjobs" have two problems with it, which can both be corrected. #1, they are worried about coming too soon, or #2, they are worried about taking too long. Figure out which one it is, and correct for it. If, like my husband, its #1, reassure him its ok, its his turn tonight, and just lie back and enjoy.

#2 is a little trickier, but still can be worked around, provided he likes the sensation of a warm mouth around his cock. For guys like these (like my lover), going SLOW is key. Let them relax, and know how much you are happy and content just where you are. Its NOT about the orgasm, just about the pleasure they are feeeling, and let that pleasure become yours. Tease and soften when they want you to go harder and faster. This will help them relax even further and get more and more excited, and yes, you are not going anywhere, you are not going to stop, and they don't have to RUSH. I hate that when I am recieving! The soft and gentle blowjobs are easier on your jaw anyway, so you can go for longer periods of time. Hell, I have gotten so worked up by doing this for a very extended period of time, now I come from it too. Lol, lover calls this the ultimate "win-win" situation!
@Perverse Cowgirl: People are misunderstanding what YOU'RE saying? What part of anything I said led you to conclude this? "Seriously, ggg, I'm sorry you've apparently had horrible and inattentive partners in the past but not every guy with a non-orgasmic partner is an asshole and not every woman needs a bunch of romance-novel stuff to get her in the mood."

I didn't realize a massage was SOP of the romance novel (how do you rip a bodice off an already naked and oiled-up body?) I was trying to offer some things I found helpful to get to the relaxed, tingly and sensation-ready place you need to be in to even hope for an orgasm. As mentioned previously, I'm not addressing the occasional "it's enough already, I just want some sleep" scenario. We've all done that, and that's fine. I was addressing someone who has NEVER come with their partner. That's not fine. Most of these peeps, including yourself, and myself lo these many years ago, are/were young, self-conscious and inexperienced. There's a lot of pressure, and it's understandable that a generous partner would say, "It's okay, I just don't have orgasms that way" to take the pressure off. But what I'm saying is, if you BOTH take some time to get there, you can have em. (Imagining Oprah right now... "YOU get an orgasm... and YOU get an orgasm!")

So kids, take it from the voice of experience. This is how it finally happened for me (thanks to a brilliant and inventive boyfriend, who thank god, i finally did with the lights on). Touch everything BUT. Kiss everything but. Use feathers. Use your hair on her/his skin. Your breath. Jesus, with all the talk here about lockjaw and wrists going numb, it's no wonder people give up. We're not battery-operated. Just freaking relax already. It's not a race.
Here's the thing. If you've taken the time to tease, to arouse before any finger touches a clit or lips close on a nipple or tongue touches a shaft, that clit/nipple/cock will be ACHING for it. Imagine that first touch when you're already juiced up. You're already halfway there and you haven't even started.
To the first poster - I was in a very similar situation when I was your age - had been with a guy for almost two years and had never had an orgasm. He didn't really care, but I did, and you do too, I'm sure. Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did, even though I THOUGHT he was wonderful and my best friend and I'd never live without him at the time. Well, he wasn't, and I could. After I started dating my next boyfriend who was actually interested in me having a good sexual experience, it took two weeks...TWO WEEKS for me to have my first orgasm, and he was far more emotionally compatible with me as well. Lose this guy, seriously.

Oh, and buy a vibrator (that gives you plenty of clitoral stimulation like a Rabbit) and do some experimenting with some lube, if you don't own one already. Looking back now I realise that my biggest problem was that I didn't really understand my own body. Don't give up, I'm sure it will happen for you too.

    Please wait...

    Comments are closed.

    Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

    Add a comment

    By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.